Hola, everybody! This chapter of 'You're Not My Real Dad' is brought to you from officially the hottest place on Earth at the current time: 46 degrees down here! I took the cover off my iPod to stop it from overheating!

So, let's hop to it!

The winner of the chapter reference is ssSaja10101! And i'm glad so many people got it! Captain America! My next favourite superhero after Wolverine! This time from the cover of a novel…

"Kicking evil very hard in the face."

Hope you get it!

And again, Claudio's being an evil little twinkie (?) here, so I feel obliged to apologise for his possible OOCness.

(By the way, don't take the chapter title seriously - no-one is going to literally explode.)

Of Exploitation and Exploding Friends

Roy slept all through the next day.

He didn't once stir or even get up for lunch or the bathroom. Edward figured he'd be starving come tomorrow.

And he didn't feel like hanging about the palace all day either. Palace was boring. Boring palace. Palace boring. Borace. Paling.

Ugh.

"Argh!" Edward swung his legs up off the couch, tossing aside a book. It thumped into the wall and flopped down messily onto the floor.

He jumped up and dashed across the room, grabbing the book and closing it properly so the spine wouldn't get damaged or the pages crumpled. He set it back down at the base of the wall then jumped back into his original position on the couch.

He stood up, walked over to the door, and left.

He walked back in and scribbled up a note and left it on Roy's forehead.

He left a second time.

He came back and grabbed his coat.

And left again.

For definite, this time.

"Edward!"

"Huh?" Edward looked back over his shoulder, black hair splaying within the confines of it's tie. "Tyrell?"

"Yeah!" The teenage shaman sprinted down the steps and slapped Edward on the back, panting a little. He was wearing billowing sand-coloured trousers and a small purple jacket that left his chest bare. "It's me. There's something I have to tell you. Both of you. It's important. Come back upstairs."

"Is it so important that I can't hear?"

"Yipe!" Tyrell jumped, his violet eyes widening. "N-no, Prince Aerugo, s-sir!"

The dark-haired prince approached the pair from behind, making his way slowly down the stairs. He walked up and rested his hand on Tyrell's shoulder.

The shaman immediately stiffened, staring at Edward with fear in his eyes. Looking closely, he was trembling.

"So, continue, Tyrell. What is it that's so important you had to run after young Edward to tell him?" he said evenly.

"I-I-I…" Tyrell stammered, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. "I-I was just… It was a-about Roy…because I'm h-his temporary healer… I needed to g-give Edward a l-little advice…on his recovery…"

"Really? Well, go on then," he said with a faint smile.

"It's just…" Tyrell gulped, and Edward could see stark terror in his violet eyes. "M-make sure…that he drinks a l-lot of water because…he was pretty dehydrated when I checked up on him yesterday…" He took a deep breath. "That's all."

"Alright then," said Edward cautiously, nodding. "I'll keep that in mind. He's been asleep since yesterday evening, though."

Tyrell nodded tensely. "Yeah. Okay. If he doesn't wake up any time soon, d-do it yourself and give him something to eat and drink."

"Will do," Edward replied with a nod. "If that's all you wanted, I was about to head out…"

"Yeah. That's all. Sorry to keep you," Tyrell apologised, wiping his brow. "Be safe."

"You too. Bye." Edward turned to leave, casting a suspicious glance back. He stepped out into the foyer, but halted there. He watched through the slightly ajar door as Claudio steered Tyrell into a different corridor.

What's up with them? he thought, golden eyes narrowing. Better check this out.

With the stealth of a ninja-like Wind Spirit, he crept out of the foyer and back towards the staircase, tiptoeing to the corner of the hallway the two ambassadors had just vanished down. He peered around the side of the wall and barely stifled a gasp as he watched the scene unfold.

Tyrell was pressed against the wall, Claudio's forearm against the teen's throat. The boy was grasping feebly at his aggressor's arm, but seemed unable to defend himself.

"Now, now, Tyrell," Claudio began as the shaman's cheeks started to redden. "What did I tell you about this plan?"

Tyrell didn't answer, just gave a muffled choking noise. His face turned a deep crimson colour as he fought for breath.

"You don't remember?" Claudio's face darkened. "I told you not-to-mess-it-up, because back home my father is coun-ting-on-me to do this. And every time you do-some-thing-wrong, I will make-you-pay." With each grated out phrase, Claudio pressed harder and harder.

Tyrell let out a gasp, clawing at the prince's wrist and the last of his energy faded.

Edward's expression grew thunderous with anger and he was about to charge out and rescue his friend when he felt a cold hand slip over his mouth and another grab his wrist.

The smell of sleep and smoke wreathed around him and he realised it was Roy.

He glared up at his superior, wrenching his arm free. He was about to remove Roy's hand from his mouth when the Colonel's other one snuck up to his lips in a signal for silence. Let it play out. Let's see where this goes. Edward complied reluctantly, and Roy let him go.

Back in the corridor, Claudio pushed Tyrell's chin upwards and looked down on him menacingly. "Do you understand?"

"Yes…your highness…" Tyrell gasped, his violet eyes almost closed.

Claudio stepped back. "Good."

Tyrell fell limply to the floor, coughing and wheezing. He rubbed his throat, panting hard and looking up at Claudio pleadingly.

"Good," the prince said again. His face hardened further. "Oratoan mutt."

He drew his foot back and kicked Tyrell hard in the side. The shaman bit his lip and didn't make a sound, apart from a quiet grunt of pain.

Edward bared his teeth in a silent snarl and Roy grabbed the collar of his shirt as a precautionary measure.

Claudio sneered, looking down on Tyrell with disdain. "I was lax with you beforehand, letting you spend as much time with them as you wanted. Perhaps that was an error on my part. Because if you've turned like your father has…the same thing will happen to you as him. Now get up."

Tyrell obeyed, rising unsteadily to his feet and clutching his side. "Yes, your highness," he whispered, his voice harsh and rasp-like.

"Come on." Claudio turned and stalked towards Edward and Roy's end of the corridor.

The Colonel acted fast, grabbing Edward's wrist and tugging him towards the stairs. The two sprinted over and threw themselves behind the staircase, panting.

"What just happened?" huffed Edward, looking at Roy. "And why are you here?"

"I got your note and went out to find you," Roy answered, breathing heavily with his hand on his chest. He wondered briefly if he was losing his fitness. "Didn't want you wandering the streets alone."

He peeked around the edge of the staircase to see Claudio and Tyrell making their way back up to the third floor. "As for what we just saw…"

The pair of Amestrians stood, coming out from their hiding place to stand in the open. Edward looked up the stairs, but the others were already gone.

"I'm not sure at all." Roy frowned, putting his hands in his pockets. They met the rough fabric of reactive cloth as he twisted his fingers around the ignition gloves.

"Let's go out," he decided, pointing to the door. "I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for something to eat."

"Shouldn't we get Inuya?" Edward asked as they made their way towards the door.

"No." Roy kept walking. "He doesn't need to know about what just happened."

"I feel kinda bad about leaving him behind twice, though," Edward admitted. "I mean, it's supposed to be his job to show us around. And he's a nice guy."

"He is," said Roy. "Which is why we don't want him involved."

They passed the gates and the guards let them through, and they stepped out into the vibrant streets of Ranri.

"How's about we drop by Ranri Ai after lunch?" asked Roy nonchalantly, giving his signature smirk.

"How's about no?" Edward returned, punching Roy in the arm. "We've got something serious to discuss. Now's not the time for—"

"My 'girl obsession', I know," Roy said in a mocking tone. "I'm just kidding anyway; I know how useless you are with girls. And small children. And other teenagers. And just other people in general."

Edward glowered, ramming his hands in his trouser pockets and bringing his feet down on the pavement a little harder than necessary. "Just 'cause I'm not a social butterfly like yourself…"

"No. You're a social dung beetle," Roy informed him all-knowingly. "Eddie-no-mates. A loner, an outcast, an anti-social bum. Rolling your big ball of angst and grumpiness in the corner."

"You just shut up!" Edward bit out. "I've got as many friends as I need."

"One who is your little brother, one who keeps hitting you with wrenches and yourself. Are the rest imaginary?"

Edward growled. "No! I've got friends back in Resembool, guys me and Al went to school with. Pitt, Jack, Vance…"

Edward sighed. "Okay. I have about five friends. So what? Knowing me, if I made any new friends they'd probably spontaneously combust or die in a way equally as stupid."

"Don't be like that," Roy chided. "Look at me; we've known each other years and I'm still alive!"

"That's probably because I want you dead," Edward grumbled.

"And that there is exactly why you're a social dung beetle, rolling around a giant ball of anti-social crap," the man finished, smirking widely.

Edward muttered and grumbled until they reached the nearest restaurant, a nice enough looking joint with a semi-sophisticated appearance.

"Why am I a dung beetle? Couldn't I at least be a social tarantula? Tarantulas are cool. Or a wasp? I could sting you to death. And I really don't think I'm that bad. I just don't really need any friends. And people tend to get hurt around me anyway, so I'm doing everyone a favour. And how many people have I helped so far? Repairing stuff, fighting bandits, retrieving cats, exposing frauds… Gosh, I'm just everyone's best friend…"

"Okay," Roy went up to the door and opened it, holding it for Edward. "Decided on what you want?"

"Nikujaga!" exclaimed Edward. "Definitely!"

"Not trying anything new?" Roy asked, heading for a table.

"No." The boy shook his head of black hair. "I feel like nikujaga."

"Alright then."

The two selected a table in a booth some way away from the rest of the customers, so as there was little chance of being overheard.

"So," Roy said, scouring the menu for any names that seemed even slightly familiar. "What do you reckon all that was about? Any thoughts? Has Tyrell said anything to you regarding his relationship with Claudio or the rest of Aerugo?"

"No." Edward shook his head again, frowning. He touched his chin in thoughtful puzzlement. "He's never mentioned anything. And I never asked, so…"

"Hm," Roy put his head back and looked at the ceiling. "This whole mission's become a lot more than we bargained for, huh?"

"Yeah," Edward responded. "It has."

Roy's brow creased. "Let's think. Start from the beginning. What was the first sign that indicated something odd about Tyrell and Claudio's positions?"

"The way they act around each other," Edward responded, also casting his gaze upwards. "Tyrell always seemed terrified of him, and looked like he thought we should be too."

"Yes." Roy looked back down. "So obviously, Claudio has some kind of influence over Tyrell, which we've now seen is physical power."

"And threats too," Edward added. "He said, 'If you've turned like your father, the same thing'll happen to you' or some crap like that. So he's got something else too."

Roy nodded. "But what does he mean by 'turned'?"

"Gone traitor?" Edward suggested. "Something like that?"

"Maybe, but turned against whom and joined which side? We could probably assume that it's Claudio the King turned against, but which side did he turn to? And what happened to him because of it?"

A waitress appeared and took their orders. Roy selected yakisoba, something he knew he didn't hate. And a jug of water; he was thirsty.

"I'd be tempted to say we're the opposition," Edward began slowly. "But the King of Orato never knew us, so…"

"Mm. And if this is a political struggle, it wouldn't be us either. Amestris, Aerugo and Orato are allies now. If Claudio were aiming for us, he'd be attacking his own."

"But he is," Edward pointed out. "He's gone after you already."

"But that's not serious," Roy explained. "If he is trying to mess with my head because he hates me, like you say, then it's just that. An act of dislike. He'd be attacking his own if he shot at me. I can't complain to the Fuhrer that we should break alliance because Claudio's bullying me, can I? As a mid-ranking officer, that would have about as much effect on everything as Breda would in a fight against a large dog. I mean, bullying happens within our own military all the time. So theoretically, we shouldn't have anything to do with it."

Edward sighed. "If it's not us, who else is there? And why would Claudio beat Tyrell for speaking to us? What did he mean when he said 'his father was counting on him'? And why is Claudio bossing Tyrell around anyway?"

Roy groaned, rubbing his temples. "Aghh… I don't know. It's confusing and feels like something we don't want to be involved in. I'm busy enough dealing with our own State - I don't want to get caught up in the affairs of some other country as well!"

Edward tapped the table to draw his superior's attention. "Hey now, don't go and work yourself up again! We don't have to worry about this…"

Roy shot him a cynical glare. "Edward. Don't pull that one out. We both know that we're already a part of it. There's no point in trying to back out now. Neither of our consciences are going to let this go. Neither of us will be able to give this up without a fight."

Edward smirked mirthlessly. "I guess you're right."

"You know I'm right," Roy corrected. "But back to my point, the way Claudio was speaking to Tyrell, the things he said…"

"The way they acted beforehand…" Edward continued. "And how Tyrell came running to tell me something but Claudio cut him off…"

Their gazes met, and they drew the same conclusion.

It was Roy who finally stated, "Claudio's trying to stop him from warning us about something."

"But what?" Edward growled.

The pair thanked the waitress for the water she supplied them with, continuing their discussion as she walked away.

"Well, it's obviously something to do with both us and Claudio, that much we can say for sure," Roy stated as he poured out glasses. "But why only tell us now? Perhaps he just found out. Or perhaps he's only just decided he wants to help us now."

"Or maybe he needs our help," Edward put in. "We can't leave that out."

"Good point." Roy nodded, sipping his drink thoughtfully. He set it down with a clack. "Okay, so, let's just say that for now, Claudio has a target, most likely a country or person we know about or can protect. Here's what we've surmised so far; Claudio's father has put him up to something here. He's beaten Tyrell into submission, and he needs to do what he is told otherwise he'll end up like his dad, who did betray Claudio. Tyrell wants to warn us about something—"

"Or wants help," Edward broke in.

"I'm running with the theory that Claudio's trying to hurt someone," Roy reminded him. "Tyrell wants to warn us about something, and Claudio wants to stop him. Apparently we're a big factor in his plans, maybe something he didn't prepare for. There's a high chance that we'll be the ones able to foil his plan."

"You've left another point out," murmured Edward.

"Must be tired," Roy said with a shrug of his stiff shoulders. "What is it?"

"What if Claudio's target is you?" the boy asked quietly, his golden eyes worried. "What if that's what Tyrell's warning us about? What if he's just discovered Claudio's plan and is trying to tell us that we're in danger?"

Roy's eyes softened at Edward's apparent concern. "Ed, I already explained why it wouldn't be me. He's got no reason to attack me. He just doesn't like me."

"Isn't that reason enough?" Edward pressed. "He hates you. You both hate each other. It's clear as day. So why shouldn't he try to get you whilst you're in his reach and vulnerable?"

"He'd be found out immediately," Roy pointed out. "It'd be a suicide mission. Claudio isn't the kind of man who'd lower himself to something so desperate. He sees himself as superior."

"That's what worries me…" muttered Edward. He flapped his head. He'd come at you with everything he has to pay you back for making him resort to it. "But you make a valid point. I'm probably overreacting, but keep that idea on the desk."

"Of course," Roy agreed, nodding. "For now, the best we can do is try and stay out of Claudio's firing range. And keep Tyrell safe from him too, which is going to be quite a task."

"But you'll be locked in a room with him all day tomorrow."

Roy dismissed this with a wave of his hand. "There'll be others there. Plus we sit on opposite sides of the room. Look, food's here."

"Awesome!"

Roy surveyed the artistic masterpiece he'd created through the space of the meeting. An endless array of meaningless squiggles occupied the page, resulting in a final design consisting of a mess of stick people and miniskirts. Beautiful.

Roy screwed it up and shoved it in his pocket.

As all the ambassadors turned to leave, he remained in the room and made his way towards the Emperor. Taking a deep breath, he went over and put on that ever-so-forced smile. "Sir!"

Ryuumaru turned, puzzled at first but breaking into a smile once he spotted Roy. "Ah, Colonel! Glad to see you're feeling better."

"Glad to be back," Roy responded with a nod. "My health's been a little dodgy since we left Amestris, but it's nothing to be worried about."

Ryuumaru agreed, "Yes, must be the distance. Anyway, was there something you wanted to ask me?"

"Yes," said Roy, putting on a look of sudden remembrance. "There was, actually. I was wondering if there was anywhere near to Ranri which has a nice field large enough for Edward and I to practise our alchemy; wouldn't want to get rusty, now."

Ryuumaru nodded an affirmative and said, "Yes, there's a massive lot of land just north-east of here that we haven't utilised yet, or plan on doing so any time soon. I'm sure we could make arrangements to have you transported there for a day."

Roy smiled. "That would be much appreciated."

He pretended to turn and leave, but halted. "Say, I've just had a thought. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were to come along and watch? I'm sure we could introduce some of the other countries to alchemy, show it to those who haven't seen it before. And any of the other representatives with combat skills could join in as well. Like a group training day!"

Ryuumaru's face brightened with every word. "Brilliant! Just brilliant! That sounds like a fine idea, Colonel, a fine idea. I'll have to get that arranged sometime soon… How does the day after tomorrow sound?"

"That sounds marvellous," Roy answered with a grin. "I'll be looking forward to it. Thank you very much, sir."

"No, thank you for the idea!" exclaimed Ryuumaru. "And enjoy the rest of your day."

"You too," the younger man called as he left. The Emperor remained in the meeting room conversing with his squire.

Roy pumped his fist on the inside.

Both Edward and Inuya were waiting for him when the Colonel stepped into the corridor. Edward was wearing the usual; white shirt, black pants and jacket and Inuya was dressed in his uniform; blue Kambeian dress with gold trim.

"Got it done?" Edward enquired.

"Got it done," confirmed Roy, flashing a thumbs up. "Day after next, we're all headed for a great big empty lot to train. Lucky; I think the Emperor is a little bit fond of me."

They started walking, making their way back towards the guest quarters. Roy fiddled with the medals on his chest as they went, remembering what each one was for and what he'd had to do to earn it. As he moved on to twisting the stars on his shoulders, he said, "To train, and to show off. So, have your alchemy ready to go, Ed."

"You don't need to tell me that," responded Edward confidently. "Just look who you're talking to. My alchemy's ready to go any time!"

"Good." Roy dropped his hands from his uniform and put them at his sides. "Then we're ready. We just have to wait until the day."

"So, what do you want to do now?" the boy asked, putting his hands behind his head. "Any ideas?"

"I don't know about you," Roy said, shrugging his shoulders. "But I just want to go back to the room and read. If you want, you can go down into the city and do some sightseeing."

Edward's face brightened. "Cool!"

"But take Inuya with you."

"…Okay…" Edward scowled, looking ahead grumpily.

"You don't want me there?" Inuya asked, sounding tearful. "Do you hate me?"

"No!" Edward exclaimed, waving his hands wildly. "It's not that at all!"

"That is it, isn't it?!" Inuya wailed, flailing his arms around in the air. "You hate me! You can't stand to be near me! I'm sorry!"

"I don't hate you! I just get the feeling that the only reason he's sticking you with me is because he doesn't trust me!" Edward thrust a finger towards Roy. "It's his fault, not yours!"

"I'm asking him to go with you so that you don't get into trouble," Roy explained in a superior tone. "A little birdie told me you got yourself into a swordfight last time you went out by yourself."

"That wasn't my fault! I didn't start it! They wouldn't let me in without a duel!"

"Yes, because it's totally the norm for people to fight each other in the streets before they're allowed to enter buildings."

"Apparently so!" Edward retorted. "Maybe it's just a thing in this weird country!"

"So it's Kambei you hate!" Inuya accused, flapping his arms within his wide sleeves.

"No! No! I don't hate anything!"

"Not even milk?" Roy broke in.

Edward hissed in exasperation. "No, I hate milk!"

"So you do hate stuff." Roy continued to smirk.

"Yes!" Edward took a deep breath. "But not Kambei. Or you, Inuya."

"Oh. Okay then." Inuya stopped flapping. "Shall we go? I know a nice sushi place we can stop for lunch if you like…"

"Sounds like a plan."

Hachi the dog sits at my feet as I type. Dusty the cat shoots me a look of betrayal. Shadow the guinea pig continues to eat.

So this, was a short-ish chapter. But the last one was long-ish, so I suppose it all evens out!

PREPARE FOR ACTION NEXT CHAPTER, EVERYONE! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME! (And long…)

Thanks to everyone who reviewed and all the good stuff. I love yas. Keep doing it. Please, always keep doing it. They are awesome. The bee's knees. Amazing. I love it so much.

Review responses;

FlamingFlyingFoxOfDoom: You might have have a good reason to be suspicious of him. Who knows...? Well, me, but still.

Do a Barrel Roll: (If you're still reading) I'm honoured that you reviewed! *goes and faints somewhere*

READINGhearts17: OH, YES IT WILL BE SO EPIC. …I hope.

And to BlacktwinWhitetwin, who asked me whether I prefered writing Roy or Ed: Oh, you had to ask me that, didn't you? I love writing from both their perspectives, which is why most of my fics tend to switch between their POVs (I'm sorry about that, by the way…). It sort of depends what mood I'm in, I think, but right now, Roy.

I love writing in Ed's perspective because he's got a certain comedic way of acting, and his intelligence is something good to work with, but he's a little predictable sometimes. For that reason, I like Roy better. You've got a lot of options with him, 'cause he's serious one minute and then a lazy goof the next.

Waow. That was a lot of writing when I could have just said 'Roy'.

(And secretly, Hughes is my favourite to write, 'cause he's just so random and still some sort of smart.)

ZAKURO AWAY! *is trialling riding away on the nyan cat*

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