Xander Insert
Xander blinked a few times to clear his eyes and quickly took in the scene around him.
He was standing in the middle of an empty dirt lot, the ground around him was embedded with a lot of thrown weapons, including a fair amount that weren't normally throwing weapons, and a group of strange people were watching him with a variety of expressions ranging from love to hate, while a very old midget was balancing on a stick three times her height to yell at some girl with extremely thick glasses.
He didn't know how he got here or what was going on, but there were enough unfriendly looking people about that he decided it was best to be armed fortunately the plethora of sharp pointed objects made that easy. A handful of knives vanished into various places as he looked for something more substantial, eventually settling on a European short sword that fit his hand pretty well.
Seeing as how no one seemed to be speaking his language and were just arguing amongst themselves as he stood there he decided to leave, before one of them decided to do something he wouldn't like. 'Too late,' Xander thought to himself as he saw some guy with candles strapped to his head and a hostile expression begin chanting while reading a scroll and throwing bits of herbs at him.
This at least was something Xander knew what to do about. Scooping up a couple of knives he flung them at the hostile spellcaster while charging forward to skewer him with the sword. Some guy with an umbrella deflected the knives and got in Xander's way. Obviously that umbrella wasn't made of bamboo like it appeared and equally obviously he was some kind of martial artist from his wide legged stance.
A quick jab with the sword and he predictably blocked it with the umbrella obscuring the foot Xander had aimed for his balls. Xander's kick lifted the boy with the bandana a foot off the ground, surprising him since he figured the angle was wrong to get a lot of force behind it. Xander body checked him out of the way as he surged forward, but quickly had to dodge back as something that looked like a girl, but was cloaked in red aura, tried to hit him with a park bench.
Palming a knife, Xander flung it at the spellcaster while he dodged back from whatever that thing swinging the bench was. He could already tell it was too late as the mage finished his chant and the candles flared on his head just before the knife nailed him in the shoulder. He could feel the spell crackling along his skin and outlining him in a green glow.
The girl's aura had sputtered out and she'd dropped the bench, but Xander had already flung a knife at her and her eyes widened comically as it sank into her side. He didn't wait to see what the others' responses would be as he snatched the scroll the mage had been reading from off the ground, putting a foot on his throat to keep him from casting anything else.
The scroll was in a language he didn't know, but was close enough to some of the languages he'd started working on for him to puzzle out a few words, these words being sanity, destroy, and attraction.
Taking his foot off the downed mage's throat he recovered his knife, not being particularly gentle as he pulled it out of the mage's shoulder and wiped it off on him, frisking him for any magical paraphernalia before letting the terrified teen scramble away.
Now that he looked at them closely he saw that they were all in their mid to late teens, with the exception of the midget.
The boy with the umbrella was curled up in the fetal position and wasn't likely to move anytime soon and the girl with the knife in her side was looking at him like he'd just killed her dog.
He didn't really have time to examine the others more closely as he heard the yowling of a whole bunch of things coming from every direction and converging on his position as he retreated to the center of the lot to keep everything in sight.
His eyes darted from shadow to shadow as he waited for the creatures the spell summoned to attack and from the fearful looks on some of the others faces he was pretty sure they knew what was coming which meant bad things to the Xan-man.
Suddenly cats came from every direction converging on his spot to rub up against him and try to get his attention. As each rubbed against him he glowed a little bit less, like they were absorbing the magic bit by bit, but bit by bit something was rising up inside him trying to get loose.
Long practice allowed him to face the animal spirit inside him and try to bend it to his will. Mentally bracing himself he faced the animal spirit in his own mind… and it licked his nose.
There was a kitten in his mind, a tiny, lonely, blue eyed, black furred kitten. The primal spirit offered him power greater than a slayer's in exchange for his humanity.
The kitten offered to enhance him in exchange for a little care and affection, though not in so many words.
Xander accepted. Bonding with the kitten was a lot easier than bonding with the primal it was more… harmonious. He tried to think about what this meant about him and what Dru had been hinting at so long ago.
Opening his eyes everything jumped sharply into focus and he remembered everything. He crouched down to pay attention to the cats and send them on their way, ignoring the smell of fear and the muttering from the humans there.
It took some time to give attention to each cat so it would leave. By the time Xander was finished and stood back up the group had bandaged themselves and drawn together.
"Who summoned me here and why?" Xander asked in English, figuring he might as well keep things on his terms as much as possible.
"I'm not sure quite how to answer that, as I suspect you are not Ranma Saotome," the midget replied in almost unaccented English.
"Fine, who summoned Ranma here and why?" Xander asked as he took the time to examine his own body and realize he was no longer working with his original equipment.
"Mousse summoned my son-in-law here on the pretense of a battle, but instead he cast a spell from a scroll on him. How much do you know about magic?"
"Show me the scroll and if it's in a language I can read I can probably puzzle out what it does with a little effort," Xander replied.
"May I approach?" the old woman asked cautiously.
"As long as you mean me no harm you may approach freely," Xander replied formally.
The old woman bounced forward on her cane, sitting balanced perfectly on the top of it she unfurled the scroll and they both studied it for a couple of minutes.
"H-He destroyed son-in-law's soul," the old woman said paling and losing her balance.
"No he didn't," Xander said, moving to catch her.
"The scroll says that it destroys the soul leaving not a fragment behind."
"Yes the scroll says that," Xander agreed, "But souls can not be destroyed."
"Are you sure?" she asked her voice begging for reassurance.
"Quite positive," he said firmly. "I've talked to sources above and below about the subject and despite some exaggerated claims, they admit souls are eternal."
"So the spell didn't work?"
"No the spell worked just perfectly, but its a case of unstoppable force meets immovable object, it pushes the soul outside."
"Outside?"
"Yes, which explains quite a bit actually," Xander muttered thoughtfully, but easily loud enough for the old woman now perched on his shoulder to hear it.
"Really?"
"Yeah, of course we'd have to have some major similarities to explain my presence…"
"Any way to switch you both back?"
"Not unless you have the favor of a major god and preferably an elder one at that."
"Is he at least safe?" she asked hopefully.
Xander sighed. "I was in the middle of sending myself back in time, well my soul anyway, so more than likely he's sharing a body with my fifteen year old self."
"What were you doing at fifteen?"
"The usual," Xander shrugged. "Killing vampires, guarding the Hellmouth, trying to get a date, you know, high school stuff."
"And you were sending your soul back in time to that?" she asked, disconcerted by the blasé attitude.
"Well I was dying at the time, so I figured I might as well use my death to make my friends lives longer."
"But you can't change the past and what were you planning to do anyway?"
Xander grinned. "That's what they told me, of course they said the same thing about prophecies and I proved that one wrong. I am either an avatar of chaos or free will depending on who you talk to, but really it's just that I'm too stupid and stubborn to accept defeat. I was planning on giving my younger self a boost towards becoming a better fighter to see if I couldn't extend the lifespans of some of my friends."
"Extend not save?"
"We all gotta die sometime, and most of my friends died in battle, fighting the good fight, which is one of the best ways to go, but I wanted to give them a little more time, so they'd get to live a bit more," Xander explained. "Not that we didn't have fun or enjoy life between battles, but giving them a little more time wouldn't hurt. Many of my friends died much too young for my tastes."
"So son-in-law is lost to us?" she asked sadly just to be sure.
"I'm afraid so, however he'll be where he can make a difference surrounded by some of the best people to ever walk the earth!" Xander smiled wistfully. "Plus he'll have my younger self to help him and I didn't do too badly the first time through. So, is he a good fighter?"
The old woman chuckled. "Son-in-law… Ranma Saotome is one of the best martial artists I've seen in my three hundred years."
Xander grinned. "So I accomplished what I set out to do, just not the way I was planning."
"If he is joined with your younger self, wouldn't you remember?"
"Nah, I'm outside the timeline where it happened, so I won't know the effects until after I die. I can't explain it in any human language better than that, because we don't have the vocabulary."
"Who does?" she asked curiously.
"The Gallifreyans." Xander replied thinking of Giles success in addicting him to British television shows. "Or in layman's terms Time Lords, but they're imaginary here… I think."
"So Ranma is gone and you're stuck here with no guide?"
"Yeah, and I really need to know what's what so I don't accidentally offend some god and get banished to another country," Xander said muttering something about over sensitive Egyptian deities.
"I think I can handle that," the old woman said. "But first let's introduce you to Ranma's… friends, half of which want to kill or marry him."
Xander nodded. "I still haven't gotten your name."
the old woman chuckled as Xander bent down to pick up her staff. "I am Cologne, matriarch of the Jusenkyo amazons. My great-granddaughter Shampoo was son-in-law's wife by our laws and fiance by his. The fool who vanished Ranma's soul is Mousse, who wishes to marry Shampoo."
Xander walked towards the group who immediately all started to to talk at once until Cologne whistled loudly to shut them up. "I can translate for you if you like," she offered when everyone had quieted down.
"If I can have one of your hairs and a stick of gum we can skip having a translator," Xander replied, about to do some of his own brand of magic that always horrified Willow, who objected to what she described as the equivalent of a spit and bailing wire job.
Plucking a hair off his own head he wove it together with one of Cologne's while chanting something under his breath that she didn't catch. Breaking the stick of chewing gum in half he handed half to her and started chewing the other half. "Chew thoroughly, I have to kiss you to get it back for the spell."
Cologne chuckled as she chewed the gum. "I think I'm a might old for you."
"Physically things are always easier if the body ages match up," Xander agreed readily. "But three hundred is a bit young compared to the ages of some of the girls I've dated."
"If I'm ever eighteen again I'll have to take you for a spin," she teased, making him chuckle before a quick kiss transferred the gum to him and he quickly chewed the pieces together while the group of teens made faces.
Spitting the gum into his hand he flattened it out and wrapped it around the two hairs before tossing it over his left shoulder and saying in perfect Japanese, "OK, I speak the language now."
"How dare you stab Akane!" the boy he'd kicked in the nuts growled in a voice that was probably a few pitches higher than he was used to.
"No idea who that is," Xander said bluntly, "But the only two people I stabbed was the mage who cast the spell to destroy my humanity and the idiots protecting him and I only went that easy on them because I didn't know what spell was cast. If I'd known at the time what was being cast you can rest assured I would have killed the mage and everyone helping him."
"T— The spell w-wasn't supposed to do that!" the pale and spindly mage claimed.
"I don't care what you thought it was supposed to do, nor do I believe you didn't know. I'll either be sealing your ability to do magic or slitting your throat before we leave here."
"Ran-chan what happened to you?!" a woman with long brown hair and a number of spatulas demanded worriedly.
"Easy, I'm not Ranma. Mousse girl over there cast a spell that banished his soul from this reality and sucked me in to take his place. My name is Xander Harris and before anyone asks, no trying the spell again will not switch us back. You need a boon from a major god to even try with any chance of success."
"Stop playing Saotome! you're going to pay for what you did to my sister," a girl wearing a Japanese school uniform with dark hair in a page boy cut swore.
"Not very bright is she?" Xander asked Cologne.
"Actually, Nabiki Tendo is quite clever, but seems unable to plan anything that's remotely long term."
Xander's hand flashed out and Nabiki stumbled back clutching her head and cursing. "I'll make you wish you were never born!"
"What's the hair for?" Cologne asked, still sitting on Xander's shoulder as everyone else reacted to his assault on Nabiki by stepping back.
"I have her name and several of her hairs. If she gives me any trouble I know over a dozen curses I can lay on her with little trouble."
"You martial artists are all talk! Your code prevents you from hurting me," Nabiki taunted.
"What code?" Xander replied easily. "I'm not Ranma Saotome and the only real code I've ever followed is that anyone who hurts my friends or family pays in blood."
As the girl paled Cologne stroked her chin thoughtfully. "You know usually she's not this thick."
"She's afraid of something, I can smell her fear," Xander replied sniffing the air.
"You can't fool me," Nabiki snarled. "I don't care what kind of game you're playing, you're a martial artist not a mage!"
Xander grinned evilly and threw a hand towards Mousse, who'd remained silent, trying to figure out the new Ranma, and shouted, "Flamare!" sending a bolt of fire that set Mousse's hair ablaze.
Mousse ran around in circles batting at his hair but unable to make it stop, much to everyone's surprise.
"Burning alive is a bit extreme," Cologne said carefully. "Is there any way I can convince you to let him live?"
"It's a guy?" Xander asked surprised before shaking it off. "He won't burn to death, In fact he won't burn at all, but his hair will."
Nabiki was paling rapidly.
"Not that it matters, trying to destroy a soul is a major crime in the eyes of the creator, so baldy is pretty much destined to burn."
"No way out of it?" Cologne asked.
"Sure, the creator is big on forgiveness, he just has to take responsibility for his actions and honestly repent of them, but few people who go this far ever repent."
Mousse ran past screaming, "Why won't it go out?!"
"That's a pretty lenient curse not to mention slow acting," Cologne replied as everyone watched Mousse.
"It's not really a curse. See one of my girls asked for help keeping her garden groomed if you get my meaning, but I owed her a major prank so…"
Cologne laughed so hard she almost fell off Xander's shoulder. "You are a most unusual mage."
"Not really a mage, I just know some things and I know a god or two that is always willing to grant me the power for a prank."
"I knew you were bluffing!" Nabiki burst out.
"What makes you think I'm bluffing? I don't need to be a mage to cast a curse and if I can make ruining your life humorous, which I can for everyone but you, I have a god who's always up for a laugh. I'm going easy on Mousse here because I could use a laugh myself and I pity what's going to happen when he dies."
Some helpful person tossed a bucket of water on Mousse, changing him into a duck… who's feathers quickly caught on fire prompting him to run around quacking.
Naturally enough water splashed on Xander to activate the curse. "I have breasts!" Xander said looking down her shirt wide-eyed.
"Jusenkyo curse, water based. Warm water boy, cold water girl," Cologne quickly summed it up, as a flaming duck ran past.
"Cool," Xander said with some amusement finally convincing everyone that she wasn't Ranma.
"Cool?" the girl she'd stabbed earlier, Akane she recalled, asked faintly.
"Yeah, my Willow always said I was missing out on the lesbian sex cause I was a guy," Xander said causing everyone's jaws to drop. "Besides I've always spent my time surrounded by women warriors who treated me like one of the girls anyway."
"What about the other half?" Cologne asked.
Xander smirked but didn't answer. Cologne laughed.
"You are the biggest pervert in existence!" Akane said wonderingly as she prepared to build herself up into a rage.
"Hardly, I've just been very cooperative with any female I care for," Xander said with a wistful sigh for absent friends.
Mousse ran past in duck form with most of his feathers gone quacking up a storm.
No one paid any attention.
"Didn't marry and settle down?" Cologne asked.
"Can't," Xander said. "I'm cursed to be the last of my line. I can't marry or have any kids carry my name."
"I'm beginning to see some similarities between you and Ranma, at least in some ways," she said thoughtfully.
"I told you we'd have some major things in common, or I wouldn't be here."
"Can you still have children?" Cologne asked.
"Sure, but if they carry my name they'll die before birth, fortunately we found that out before it had a chance to happen. Why do you ask?"
"My granddaughter, Shampoo has to at least carry Ranma's child for the sake of her honor and since you have his body…"
Xander nodded. "I'll need to know how the child will be raised and treated, but other than that I've always been available to help out female friends."
"You've been in this situation before?"
"Most, if not all of my friends, have been demon hunters and for some reason men tend to die more easily in that occupation than women, so when the woman decides it's time to have a child or two and looks around for what she thinks would be an acceptable father, I've often found myself heading up the short list."
"No special female to complain?"
"Most have died in combat and the last two sacrificed their lives to allow me a couple of weeks to prepare for my death and as long as they approved of the girl they were fine with it."
"Their lives only gave you a couple of weeks?"
Xander nodded. "Willow was one of the most powerful magic users on the planet and Illyria was one of the ancients or old ones, sharing a body with a country girl with the cutest Texas twang. They both agreed that they'd had enough of family and friends dying on them, so they bought me some time to finish up some things."
"What were you dying of?" Cologne asked.
"Hind's blood," Xander said flatly.
"I thought you could kill a god with that?"
"You could, but both sides Evil and Neutral wanted me gone and nothing else had worked."
"Evil and Neutral?" Cologne asked.
"Well you can't really call them Good, they just wanted to maintain the status quo and got upset. When Good or Evil won at all. They'd either set up situations where I had to sacrifice myself to save a friend or where they thought they could pick me off."
"And yet you survived."
"Yep, despite throwing myself on grenades for friends I always survived even as they died doing the same for me."
"Resent them?" Cologne asked knowingly, confusing the listeners.
"Fuck yeah," Xander admitted. "I loved them enough to do anything to survive and fight by their side again, while they just accepted death. I love them, but I'm pissed at them."
"I guess they just weren't as stubborn or stupid as you were," Cologne said with a grin.
Xander chuckled, her anger fading away to be replaced by humor. "I guess not."
Mousse stumbled in front of them and gave one last quack before passing out, featherless.
"Well back to introductions. the young lady you stabbed is Akane Tendo, Ranma's fiance, who was protecting Hikaru Gosunkugi who was attempting to destroy your mind, or rather Ranma's mind."
"I didn't know, I was just keeping you from killing someone!" Akane protested.
Xander shrugged, "fair enough, I can't hold that against you unless you make a habit of protecting people who are trying to kill me."
"Don't go anywhere, Gosunkugi," Xander warned the boy who'd been trying to sneak off. "I'll be questioning you before I decide what to do with you."
Gos tried to pale even more than normal, but lacked the blood so he passed out instead.
"That was a low blow you struck me with," Umbrella boy growled, his voice finally back in the right pitch.
"You were protecting someone who was trying to… you know what? Same as Akane."
"Ryoga Hibiki, Ranma's rival in the martial arts," Cologne explained.
"I'll get you back," Ryoga swore.
"Keep in mind I'm not a martial artist," Xander said, "So if you attack me I'm simply going to kill you. After we lost Dawn we learned better than to leave any enemies alive. If you name yourself my enemy I'll simply kill you and my only restraint is that I'll make sure innocent bystanders don't get hurt, probably."
There was silence for a moment as everyone thought about what she'd said and tried to fit the words in Ranma's voice with the reality of the body's new occupant.
"Ukyo Kuonji, another of Ranma's fiances," Cologne introduced.
"How many fiances did he have?"
"His idiot of a father engaged him to several girls, besides his winning of Shampoo's hand and his being stalked by the Kunos, but every now and again some arrangement he forgot to mention pops up."
"Well nice to meet you, Ukyo, the same arrangement as Shampoo is available if needed."
"Um, thanks," Ukyo said softly, as she realized Ranma was really gone for good this time.
"Don't mention it," Xander said before walking over and picking up Gos with one hand and smacking his face to wake him up. "Now that introductions are done, let's go to the interrogation."
"W-what do you want to know?" Gos stuttered out nervously.
"Where did you get the scroll?"
Gos paled and his eyes darted towards Nabiki clearly torn over which was the bigger threat.
"You can't prove anything!" Nabiki snapped out.
"Someone drop some warm water on the duck and let's see where he got his scroll," Xander suggested, while everyone stared at the nervous Nabiki.
"Why don't you just summon some up if you're so good with magic," Nabiki said trying to delay things while she came up with a plan to deflect attention from herself.
"It's generally better to do things the normal way rather than use magic, but," Xander grinned evilly, "this definitely feels like a prank moment though so…"
Ukyo pulled a thermos of warm water from somewhere and quickly splashed Mousse and Xander, before Xander could do anything.
"Wow when you said all his his hair, you weren't kidding," Ukyo said, turning red.
"What happened?" Mousse asked numbly and nudely.
"Ranma's replacement set you on fire before offering to knock up Shampoo," Nabiki quickly said.
"Ranma you cad!" Mousse roared and rushed off, since he was blind and couldn't see without his glasses he started attacking a telephone pole by hand.
"I'd say that's two votes for Nabiki," Xander said cheerfully as Nabiki cursed Mousse's poor eyesight.
"Nabiki?" Akane questioned shocked.
"Fine!" Nabiki yelled. "I was behind it all! But don't pretend for one second the rest of you are innocent. You've all assaulted and tried to kill him. The only difference between all of you and me is that I accomplished what I set out to do!"
Akane opened her mouth to say something, but Nabiki quickly shut her down, "You've insulted, belittled, and abused him since he arrived. You've made no bones about the fact that you hate him and have insulted his honor enough that he could have declared a blood feud each and every week."
"That was her twisted way of showing affection," Cologne pointed out.
"Well, while I'm not a mind reader no matter what anyone claims, there has to be enough resentment and anger to poison a dozen relationships with that kind of behavior, so best it was ended anyway. Ranma is gone and now everyone can regain their honor, something that never could have happened when he was alive."
Any anger the teens had held for what had happened to Ranma had been thoroughly crushed by Nabiki, leaving a bitter silence.
"So what are you going to do to me?" she asked Xander.
Xander shrugged. "Why would I do anything? You helped me achieve my goals; Ranma should be a worthy addition to my group to keep the mouth of hell closed. I was just making sure that whatever the plot was against Ranma, it wasn't going to be turned against me next. Whatever punishment you deserve, much like Mousse, will be handed down by The Creator when you die. As long as you make no moves against me or try and push Ranma's problems off on me, I have zero interest in you."
"Truthfully?" Nabiki asked cautiously.
"Yep, I'll be here long enough to make sure Cologne is satisfied with events before I leave, but unless you do something extremely stupid, this is the last you'll see of me."
"Oh," Nabiki said deflating.
"Just remember that what I said about the state of Mousse's soul holds true for your's as well, since you knew and participated willingly."
"I don't believe in all that religious crap," Nabiki said disdainfully.
Xander nodded. "Neither do I."
"Then why are you telling me about it?" she asked confused.
"Because what I'm saying has nothing to do with religion just with reality. When I say my group guards the mouth of hell, that wasn't just an expression. I spent close to thirty years in near constant combat with demons. I know what I'm talking about. The Creator could care less about most religions, but what you do has an effect on the final destination of your soul and let's be honest, scrape away all the religious crap they try to trap you with and you know if what you're doing is questionable or not."
Nabiki didn't say a word, but her face lost all expression and she nodded once before quickly striding off.
"Thirty years?" Cologne asked thoughtfully. "Most people go insane after just a handful of years of constant combat."
"Who said I was sane? It was often pointed out that sanity was pretty much optional for our way of life. Buffy developed an attraction to evil bastards which meant we had to kill whoever she was sleeping with every couple of months, after she went all angsty over how they could deceive her like that for a week or so first, of course. Willow flipped her sexual identity every couple of weeks and spent her spare time harassing Osiris the Egyptian god of the dead to resurrect her goldfish. Dawn dressed like a Gothic Lolita and started calling me… cute demon I think was the translation…" Xander's voice trailed off and his eyes got wide. "Ok, turns out she was calling me something else in Japanese and I just got what it was. Anyway she kept setting traps or drugging me so she could have her way with me… even though she knew all she had to do was ask."
"And what about you?"
Xander laughed. "I'm told, because obviously it seems perfectly normal to me, that some people don't fight the way I do, or love the way I do for that matter and that walking up to an old one while she's in human form and slapping her on the ass just so you can say 'I gotta get me some of that' as a joke is completely crazy, but in my defense it did make Buffy laugh and I did indeed get me some of that, so I really don't see their point."
Everyone just stared at him speechless.
"I'm pretty sure I either lost my ability to feel fear in a game of strip poker with Willow or possibly burned it out when I summoned Gachnar for a prank," Xander said seemingly unaware that when he said Gachnar everyone flinched as a wave of cold terror ran through their veins.
"A prank?" Cologne asked, recognizing a name of power when she heard it.
"Yeah," Xander grinned. "For a name rank demon he's not that big, so I stuffed him in a hamster ball and let him loose during training. You should have seen it. He was running around yelling, 'Fear me!' in a big booming voice and the slayers were screaming and running around completely terrified. Took the starch right out of that group and they actually started listening to what this mere-human had to say. I believe that group of slayers was one of our most successful, if I recall correctly. Over three quarters made it to retirement and quite a few short listed me too."
"Anything else?" Cologne asked curiously.
"I kill easier than most people breath. When you are facing demons and the undead it's almost impossible to feel the slightest twinge of guilt for killing them and after a dozen years of friends dying or getting hurt because of humans who have sold out to the darkness it gets real easy to kill them too. Of course after you've had someone you love die in your arms because of some idiot who thinks nothing is more important than his little hissy fit because you didn't bow in his presence, because his family has money or he thinks he's better than you.. Well, killing idiots and puncturing egos and lungs at the same time with a foot or two of steel just becomes habit."
The group all seemed to be carefully considering their behavior from the expressions on their faces.
"And the things I'll do to anyone, man or god, that harms the people I care about or are under my protection, has turned demons stomachs, but truthfully most demon hunters I know get that way over the years. Giles once said something about the dangers of becoming what you hunt, only 'staring into the abyss' was mentioned, but since we only hunt the things that hunt the innocent I don't really worry about it."
"Ok, I'm kinda freaked out here," Ukyo said absently, "Anyone else?"
Everyone's hands went up in response.
Xander laughed. "Yeah, that's most people's reactions, but it's only natural we either become more dangerous than what we hunt or we die off. It's why we always end up developing individual codes and rules of conduct we live by, so we don't become monsters ourselves, except to the monsters, if you get my what I mean."
Cologne nodded thoughtfully. "We don't have all that much evil around here. I think the closest thing we even have to a demon locally is…"
"Sweeto!" came the cry and something small and pink flashed through the clearing and Xander was hit by cold water and looked like she had three breasts.
"... Happosai," Cologne finished with a sigh as Xander looked in her shirt.
"What are you doing?"
"What?" Happosai replied, confused at Ranma's lack of violence.
"I asked what you're doing in my shirt," Xander replied amused.
"I know, but I'm used to you violently expelling me after a few seconds of running around screaming."
"Ohh," Xander replied. "Sorry but Nabiki, Mousse and the mage who's throat I'm going to slit if he doesn't get back here," Xander said raising his voice for the moment and making Gos scurry back to the others, "managed to cast his soul Outside by trying to destroy it."
"Then who are you?"
"A demon hunter with enough traits in common with Ranma to get pulled into his body when he was pulled into mine and no there is no way to reverse it," Xander said trying to sum everything up.
"I—I'm going to miss that kid," the voice from Xander's cleavage said tearfully. "Is it alright if I stay in here and mourn?"
"Sure," Xander said rolling her eye."But no nursing or trying to tune in radio stations or out you go!"
"I swear!"
Xander found everyone staring at him again. "What?"
"That doesn't bug you?" Ukyo asked.
"A little old guy hiding in my cleavage?" Xander asked.
"Uh huh," went half a dozen people.
"Not really. He's just sitting there peacefully."
"And you aren't going to kill him?" Ukyo asked carefully.
"He's not hurting anyone, hell I don't think he's even stretching out my shirt."
The bulge in between Xander's breasts vanished much to everyone's surprise. "You ok in there?" Xander asked cautiously, wondering if her cleavage had just eaten someone.
"Anything goes, Grandmaster's technique: Booby trapper's hidden valley!" Came the echoing cry from her shirt.
Xander laughed. "Reminds me of how Illyria once warped space in her cleavage to hide a bazooka. I've never seen a more startled mugger in my life."
Cologne nodded. "Well Happosai is about as close to a demon as we have around here. He steals women's underwear and flips up skirts."
"I'm used to things that hunt children and torture people for fun. Stealing underwear and annoying people is harmless. I've played worse pranks on friends, like the demon in the hamster ball."
"I suppose Happosai wouldn't really bug you then," Ukyo said.
"Yep, now Gosunkugi would you rather have your magic sealed or your blood spilled?"
"B—but my magic is all I have!"
"Not true, you also have the blood in your veins, I'm giving you the option of which one you want to keep."
The pale wannabe mage shivered. "I-I'll keep my blood!"
"Good choice and while your soul isn't as stained as some of the others, I'd advise looking into repentance anyway," Xander said as he opened up Gosunkugi's shirt and using one of Mousse's shed feathers and blood from Gos's shoulder began drawing an intricate design across his chest.
Ten minutes went by as Xander finished the front and actually worked on the back for a couple of minutes, poking Gos' shoulder to get some more blood. Xander looked around and found the knife he'd stabbed Akane with and smiled. "Excellent a knife coated with the blood of someone who was willing to shed it protecting you."
Ryoga's face darkened for a moment, but seeing Xander use the knife to draw a pentagram on the ground he quickly calmed down, reminding himself that this wasn't Ranma.
Handing the knife to Gos he had him stand in the center of the design and waved Akane and Ryoga over. "I need you two to stand here and here," Xander said directing them to stand at the base of the star.
"What do you need us for?" Akane asked nervously, before Ryoga could.
"I need you two to stand here showing that you believe he is worth shedding blood to protect and that you think he can grow up to be a good man."
"He always means well and I believe in him," Akane said firmly, taking her spot.
"If Akane believes in him then so will I," Ryoga said loyally.
Xander grinned widely and began chanting, causing the three to be outlined in blue flames as Gos screamed and fell to his knees, grey wings erupting from his back and the dagger growing three feet in length and half a foot in width.
"What did you do?!" Akane demanded as she and Ryoga hurried to help the injured teen to his feet.
"Hikaru Gosunkugi," Xander said formally, ignoring Akane. "You have been judged. Your magical abilities have been locked away and you are charged with the cleansing of your soul. Your wings' color reflect the state of your soul. As you've committed a number of evil deeds with good intentions, your wings are grey, because you know what they say about good intentions. You must go forth and do good deeds until your soul is pure once more."
Xander turned to Ryoga. "Ryoga Hibiki for your bravery and defense of your fellow man you have been chosen as his guide. He shall walk the path you choose until he's reached redemption."
Xander turned to Akane. "Akane Tendo, for your willingness to shed your blood in the defense of others. You have been chosen to shield the back of this poor soul, to teach him right from wrong, and how to wield the red blade forged from your heart's blood until he has found redemption."
"An honest to god martial arts quest from the stories," Akane breathed in shock before she got a look of determination in her eyes and helped Gosunkugi to his feet. "Lead on, Ryoga times a wastin!"
As the three marched out of the lot, Ukyo looked at Xander in awe. "Did you just call on the gods to judge them?"
Xander tried to look serious. "That depends, does the judgement of the heavens mean slapping an empathy spell on the three and channeling all of Gos' magic into an item or two and giving them a cock and bull story that should keep them out of everyone's hair for a year or so?"
Shampoo narrowed her eyes in thought. "It was all a trick?"
He shrugged. "Its pretty much up to the gods, really. I've had a couple of pranks turn into actual holy quests, so even I can't say for certain, but if they approach it seriously the gods will respond to that belief."
Xander's stomach growled. "Anyone know a good place to eat around here?"
Typing by: Stephenopolos
TN: oh god my hands are cramping!
AN: I wrote this over a decade ago.