The Return

It seemed like such a long walk back. And I suppose it was. I'm sure it's after dawn by now. Anya had been asleep the majority of the trip. I tighten my hold around her resting body; her hands are wrapped around my neck. She's still wearing the black backpack her mother had strapped around her. I hope that whatever is inside is waterproof.

I place my hand on a rung of the ladder that leads up into the basement of Bubba's Bookstore. A sudden shock of dread runs through me. I'm coming home. I'm finally coming home but… without Leo. They will look at me and then look behind me and…

I cover a hand over my mouth trying to still my quivering lips. What am I going to say to them? I steady myself on the ladder, my knees wanting to give out. No… no more guilt. No more wasting time. They need me home. They need to know. I reach up to the next rung and then the one above that. I let the lamp light wash over me. I'm glad that they kept it burning. I'm glad that they didn't lose all hope. I push up on the sewer lid and move it aside. I lay Anya down on the old tatami mat and close the lid. "I'll be right back." I whisper to her. I head up the wooden stairs. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I push and the door hiding behind the faux bookcase opens. I place my feet inside the bookstore and exhale silently. I look around cautiously. It's too early for the shop to be open, and much too early for anyone to be up and about down here. Then, I hear the faintest sound of someone turning the page of a book. I look to my left and see her. Past the bookshelf I see her sitting on the velvet couch. Her halo of red hair glows in the morning light of the sun. I walk around the shelves and stare at her. I've missed her so much.

"April…" I weep.

She looks up me with startling green eyes. Her mouth drops open and her book drops to the floor. She runs to me. "Donnie?" She cries. I crush her hard to my plastron and take in her familiar smell. She smells like home, like safety and rest. "Donnie, oh, my God! You're alive!"

"I'm home… I'm home." We fall to our knees, still hugging. Our tears fall freely.

After we calm a bit, she pulls away from me and checks me over. "Are you alright? Are you hurt? My, God, what happened to you? I'm so glad you're back!"

I sigh. "Me too."

We turn to the sound of someone hopping down the steps from the apartments above. Their feet slow when they get to the bottom. "April? Why is the basement door open…" She looks over at us and screams "Donatello! Donatello is home!" She runs up the steps and then runs back down. She drops whatever paperwork she was carrying and runs over to me. She dives right into my side. Her long black hair brushes over my face. "Donatello, you are alive! I cannot believe it is you!"

"Hello, Arimi. It's me." I hug her back.

She let's me go just as abruptly, kisses me on top of my head, and dashes upstairs, announcing my return at the top of her lungs. A jolt of remembrance hits me. I jump up and walk to the basement door.

April rises and follows me. "Donnie, where are you going?" She asks.

"I've brought someone with me." I say.

"Is it…?" She starts to ask but I turn and shake my head. Her expression didn't fall as much as I thought it would. I go down the steps, bring Anya into my arms and slowly walk back up. By the time I get to the door, my entire family is in a traffic jam on the apartment stairs.

There is such a mix of emotions I see as I look into each one of their faces; exhaustion, joy, fear, bewilderment… They all gasp when the little turtle in my arms gives a weary glance over them all, then falls back to sleep.

I say in a hushed tone. "We're home." They slowly and quietly make their way to surround me. They hug me and kiss me. They touch the precious head of my daughter and pat her on her smooth carapace. They follow me up to my room where I lay her in my bed. I close the door and meet my family in our living room. They surround me again and I fall apart onto my father's shoulder.

…

I awake to the smell of my favorite coffee brewing. I hear Amber's favorite music playing softly through the air. I feel a tiny finger running over my eyelids, cheeks and the ridge of my nose. I blink and smile into the face of Anya who's holding my favorite mug, filled to the brim.

I sit up and find myself in the living room of our third floor apartment. I place my feet on the hardwood floor, pressing down hearing the lumber creek, still feeling the warmth of the late afternoon sun on my arm. Anya sits beside me and I take my mug from her. "Thank you." I blow and sip and a new burst of energy surges through me. "Did you get enough sleep Anya?" I look at her. Neither her eyes nor her expression has changed since the night before, but she gives me a firm nod. I frown a bit. She must have some type of post-traumatic shock hindering her speech. I suppose I can't blame her. But I know she's strong enough to fight this. She'll speak again… when it's time.

"So, your name is Anya. What a beautiful name for such a beautiful little girl." Amber says as she walks in. Amber, I've really missed her. It seems like everything new in my and my brothers' lives started with her. Before Amber, our days were a monotonous cycle of 'blahs'. And now, she is the love of Raphael's life. She is my sister.

She takes a seat across from us in a big blue easy chair, nursing her own mug of caffeine. Her shiny twists of hair bounce over her shoulders and her smile warms me all the more. We stare at each other, still smiling. She shakes her head.

"Amber, I know you must have a lot of questions. And I know that I wasn't in much of a mood to talk this morning but…"

"You don't have to explain anything to me." She says softly.

"I have a lot of explaining to do. I owe you all at least that much."

She sets her mug down and kneels on the floor next to me, wrapping her hands around mine and my cup. "You are going to take your time. Nobody is going to pressure you. I missed you very much. We all understand that there was a good reason why you were gone but…we're just glad you're home… Your brothers were lost without you."

Lost without me? I have a hard time believing her. Maybe she means Mikey and Raph were lost without me AND Leo. But I'm guessing no one is going to say his name until I do. And I really, really don't want to tell them about Leo. I nod anyway. "It's better I say something sooner than later, Amber."

"Hmm." She says as she drops her hands. "Well, if you should be 'debriefed' by anyone, it'd probably be best you talk with your brothers and father first… they're up on the rooftop training now if you want to go... Mimi and I were about to start dinner. I'm sorry to say that we haven't been doing so well with keeping groceries in the house. April and Casey are out shopping now and all we have is breakfast food…we can use Anya's help." Amber turns to Anya. "What do you say, Anya? Would you like to help us make some blueberry pancakes?"

Anya looks up at me. But why? She may be a little shy but she doesn't need my approval. Maybe…. "I think she'd be more than happy to help if they were chocolate chip pancakes?" I say.

Anya nods and hops of the couch.

"Ok, chocolate chip it is." Amber says. She stands and takes Anya by the hand. I see some type of longing in Amber's eyes as she looks at Anya, I'm not quite sure.

"Thank you, Amber. I'm going up to meet them." I say.

"Anytime Donnie." She grabs my arm firmly and kisses my cheek. "Raphael was so lost without you." She whispers again. I watch her lead Anya downstairs to her kitchen. I'm left alone in the peaceful quiet of my home thinking about Amber's words. I go and take a few moments in the bathroom and then head upstairs.

…

Instead of loud grunts, fist punches, and clanging steel, Michelangelo and Raphael are sitting in front of Master Splinter, chatting quietly. The rooftop patio hasn't changed much. It's still bare, the way we usually keep it in the cold seasons. But the furniture and grill have not been taken out yet. It's almost June. I guess no one had felt like celebrating anything. "Have I already missed practice?" I call out. They look at me and smile. I kneel next to Raphael and bow to my father.

I look over at my brothers and they look at me. Wrapped around Mikey's right wrist is a blue bandana. Wrapped around Raph's is mine. I regard the purple fabric dressed about my brother's arm like a banner. Raph looks down and removes it and places it in my hands. "Just keeping it warm for ya." He says.

I take it graciously and tie it over my eyes. It's been so long since I've worn it.

We sit there a while. I try to absorb this moment. I feel their presence next to me, around me. A million pounds drops from my shoulders. I roll my neck and relax. I look up at my father and he is smiling, making his whiskers twitch.

"Donatello, I know I said it earlier this morning, but I would like to reiterate how happy I am to see you again… I imagine you have been on a very interesting journey."

"Very…" Is all I can say.

"I feel as though I am looking at once, a timid, brilliant, soul, now, a tested man with many layers. What you have been through, I am sure has many layers, some happy, some hurtful, and some too dark for you to ever share. The only thing I ask is that you do it in your own time. It seems like we have waited a lifetime for your return. We can wait a little longer for your story."

I nod and then say, "No. I want to tell you everything, while it is still fresh. And I deserve to tell you about Leonardo. I owe you an explanation, Father."

"But, I already know what has happened to him."

"You what?" Raph, Mikey and I say in chorus.

"But you said you weren't sure. You said that it was only a feeling." Mikey questions shakily.

"Let me elaborate by saying, that I know the magic of the scepter took him away and that I know he safely landed on the other side." Splinter says.

I shake my head. "But… but how do you know? Did you make contact with him? What did he say? What did you say?"

Splinter leans forward and places a hand on my head. "I told him the same thing I told you."

My eyes grow wide. I nod my head as my father's word come back to me; do what I'm doing, do what I should, do what I want. "You were right, Sensei… You were right about it all. If you helped me then I know you helped Leo through whatever he had to face."

"So, he's not dead, but he's not coming back?" Mikey asks as he runs his fingers over the blue fabric wrapped around his forearm.

I look over at my youngest brother. The cruel fangs of guilt threaten to take me. I look into his eyes and I don't know what to say. That's when Raphael puts a firm hand on Mikey and my shoulders. "No, Leo ain't comin' back. And he sure as hell ain't dead. We know our brother. He's strong and smart and a survivor. Where ever he is… I know he's just fine… probably happier there than he ever could be here." His last words fade out, more sad than doubtful. "So, tell us Donnie, where the hell you been these past three months?" Raph crosses his arms in mock anger.

I sigh and give a little smile. "Ok, I'll tell my story, but before I begin, I want you all to know that…" I think about all I went through and all that I had lost and everything I have gained. "I don't regret anything."

"Then you have come out victorious, my son." Splinter says.

They look at me with encouragement and I start at the beginning. Reliving it, it sounds totally ridiculous to me. I tell them about the secret laboratory hidden underneath Lady Liberty. They let me take my time when I tell them about the irreparable scepter and the dead Japanese man, Haruto. I tell them about Dr. Perry. I show them the vial of Protagen. Mikey's eye's sparkle every time I bring up Donald Gleiv or Devin McGaff. Raphael turns red when I bring up Rex or Abigail Truth… for two different reasons, of course. I notice Splinter watching me intently when I speak of Sasha Gavnikov. I don't think the sorrow has hit me yet. It's too easy for me to say her name. When it does hit me, and it will hit me hard, I know my brothers will be there to catch me. I talk about how bright and beautiful my daughter Anya is and, for a split second; I see the same longing… or hurt, in Raph's eyes that I'd seen in Amber's.

But I don't worry about it. In fact, I'm amazed. I am a scientist to the core. Deductive reasoning and controlled tests give the correct answer to 'how' and 'why' for almost everything. But I can't explain how the magic scepter does what it does. I can't explain why all the women in our lives love us and accept us as we are. And I'll never know how a romantic scientist answered the prayers of Raphael and Amber and gave us Anya.

Phenomenal.

I am one hundred percent sure that Anya is going to be overwhelmed with all the love my family has to give. I think that Anya will have a lot love for all of us as well. She may be my child but she is our future. And what a surprise, I never thought we'd ever have that kind of hope before.

…

After my story, Raph, Mikey and I make our way downstairs to join Casey and the girls for a very late breakfast, let's just say, breakfast for dinner. Master Splinter decides to stay on the roof and meditate on what I shared. When Anya sees me, she runs over to me and takes my hand. She leads me to the table and sits beside me. With everyone served, Arimi gives the prayer of thanks and we chow down. I look over at Anya. She takes one bite of the fluffy, chocolaty pancake and tears well up in her eyes. She covers her face and sobs without a sound. I look around at everyone and they share my saddened expression. I take her upstairs to my room.

…

She stands there in the middle of my room, her soundless weeping hitches in her throat. She covers her eyes with her arm. I sit on the edge of my bed and hold her hand. She has just lost everyone she's ever known. She just lost her mother, the one that raised her…far too young. I'd known Sasha only a few months and fell in love with her… but a child needs their mother.

"Anya…" I whisper. "It's going to be ok. You don't have to rush into normality. You can take as much time as you need. I am here for you. We are all here for you… I may not know everything, but I know that I love you, Anya. I love you. What ever strength I have, you have."

Anya wraps her arms around my neck and the tears keep falling. I rub her shell comfortingly and wish I could bring Sasha back right now and tell me what to do. Anya calms herself in my arms and I whisper to her with reassurance. I can't take her pain away, but I can be here and help her through it. I can do that much.

By the time she removes herself from my hold, it's completely dark in my room. There is a knock at my door. I turn on the light and call to welcome whoever it is, inside.

It's Raph. "Hey you two. You alright, kiddo?" He says to Anya.

Anya looks up at him and nods her head.

"You, uh, left this downstairs." Raph says as he holds out the black backpack Anya's mother had given her.

Anya stares at him. She cocks her head to the side as if she's studying him.

He kneels down to her and meets her gaze. "My name's Raphael. I'm Donnie's older… oldest brother. You're family now so… any problems you got, you can come to any of us, especially your uncle Raph, ok?"

She nods shyly and takes the bag from him. Raph and I unzip the top and she pulls out a warped white box with colorful stickers. Some have fallen off. Anya runs her fingers over the stickers and her eyes well up again. She takes a deep breath and wipes her tears away. She peels away the box and takes out the round chrome disc Sasha had been working on in her lab. She holds the heavy object with both hands and looks at me.

I shake my head. "Your mother… she never told me what it does." I didn't want to tell her that she has to speak to it to turn it on. I don't want to pressure her.

I clear away the magazines and books from my nightstand and we place the mysterious disc on its three stubby legs. Anya looks at it and frowns. I think she's too damn smart not to know that it's voice activated.

"Hey guys. You still hungry?" Amber calls to us from my bedroom door. "We're all stocked up now so we can have sandwiches, or maybe some soup?"

Anya walks up to Amber and takes her hand. We all head to the kitchen, make a few ham and cheese sandwiches, coupled with some soda and chips, head to the only television in the building (Mikey's room) and watch reruns of The Office. Some time after midnight I take Anya back to my room and see that someone had setup a cot with fresh linens and a cozy pillow and blanket. I tuck Anya in and kiss her forehead. I lie down in my bed, crack the window open and let the cool night breeze brush over my skin. I thought it would feel good but I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. I shut my window and wrap my comforter around me. Her cold body was the last sensation I had of her. I don't know when I fall asleep. But I'm so glad when I finally do.

…