The Words
Underneath the ancient leather covering the bottom of the Family Chest is a distinct raised outline of a very familiar bandana. Splinter runs his hands across it. "My son…"
We stand around looking at it for a few moments. Arimi goes to the kitchen and comes back with a letter opener. She kneels in front the coffee table and places the blade to the leather.
"Wait, Arimi. Are you sure you want to…" I say.
But she ignores me and slices away the dry material. She separates two corners and pulls. The leather rips away, revealing a folded piece of paper and the blue bandana.
"It's Leo!" Mikey yells. He grabs for the bandana but I quickly still his hands.
"No, Mikey. Don't touch it. It's very old and brittle. It could crumble away if not handled delicately."
"But… it's Leo…" Mikey's bright blue eyes start to water.
"I know…" I pull him back. I take Arimi's blade and cut the rest of the leather away. I set the leather and bandana aside and remove the folded piece of paper. It's a letter.
"Are you going to read it to us?" Mikey asks me.
"Me…?" I try to protest but Splinter, Raph, April, Arimi and Casey are staring at me. "Maybe April, could you…." But she shakes her head, covers her face and starts to cry. Casey wraps his arms around her. He looks at me, and then looks away. Everyone wants to stay and listen. No one has the strength to read it. I sigh and open it, read the first few words, and sit on the couch. I'm unable to stop the tears. "I can't." I tell them.
"What's going on?" Amber says as she walks in with Anya, hand in hand. I watch Amber as she looks around at the faces of her family. She sees the bottom of the trunk ripped off and she sees the bandana. She sees the letter in my hand. Raphael goes to stand beside her. I see a tear fall down her cheek before hiding her face against his shoulder.
Anya comes to sit by me. She tries her best to wrap her little arms around me. I embrace her. "I'm sorry Anya. I'm sorry for yelling and I'm so sorry for not being what you need right now. I'm going to do better. I promise."
She pulls my face to hers and gives me a light kiss on the lips. I guess she forgives me. I don't know what Amber had talked to her about. I don't know what happened that pulled Anya out of her emotional trauma. She takes the letter from my hand, stands up and opens her mouth:
Today I buried my wife, Anju. I stood by her marble coffin with a heavy heart. My son Yoshi, his wife Rumi-ko, and my many grandchildren and great-grandchildren stood vigil under the shadow of an ancient willow tree, weeping over the family tomb. Anju is the first to sleep beyond its threshold. The sons of my dearly departed friend, Tetsu Kirisawa, had built the tomb and designed the beautiful ironwork that accents its windows and door. After the short ceremony I strolled under the cherry blossom trees as they showered me with bronze and copper leaves. I sat in the open field spattered with the brittle stems of red dragon lilies. Anju and I used to go there to practice our archery skills. She was always better at it than I. I later met Yoshi in the dojo. We practiced our katas together. I noticed that my son is still so strong even though I am slowing down. We moved at my speed and I was grateful. Then we meditated until the sun went down. Rumki-ko and her daughters set a delicious dinner before us and we all supped together. Anju's place at the table was left unoccupied. I made my way to the study and sat in my chair. My granddaughters served me my favorite tea. I laid some paper in front of me and handled a feathered pen so I could write you a letter and tell you that today has been a beautiful, autumn day.
You may wonder why I began this letter with death. Well, I suppose it is because I know longer fear death. In my younger years every effort I put forth was intended to keep us alive. We were few, but fierce. Different, yet determined. All those years ago I thought I knew my purpose. I walked in it wholeheartedly, and blindly, denying the fact that we were fully grown and naturally stepping out of our adolescent roles. I did not want to admit that my brothers no longer needed a leader. It was not until I came here that my lack of self-identity surfaced. Who was I apart from you? I mourned over the loss of you, my family. I had lost my way and in-turn had lost all hope. I was one against the world. Doubtful and defeated. I admit I had almost lost my mind to seclusion. All I wanted was my family!
And I thought I had lost you forever. It took me some time to realize that you have been with me all long. I just did not recognize you. It all started with Anju. We delivered each other from solitude. She saved my life. I love Anju and she loved me. Her son became my son, and my son calls me father. I have friends and a growing family who accept me as I am. I can roam free within the land I call my own. I have experienced life in ways you could only imagine. I do not say this to boast. I say this because I need to let you know. I am happy. The same process that happened to me will happen to you. You will think of me, cry for me, remember me, pray that someday I climb up the ladder and knock on the bookcase door. And then sometime later, you will forget what I look like. You will forget what I said and how I said it. It is ok. I will tell you why. It might have taken me eighty-five years, but I've found the answer! I've discovered the true reason as to why I was sent here; So that in the future we could be together and love each other within the time that we had. I need to let you know this as well; death is not the end and death is not alone. Death and Life are part of the same circle. They are like drops of water that flow into a river that meets the sea, and then become the clouds that rain on the mountain tops.
I will always be with you.
-Leonardo Hamato, 1868 AD
P.S. When my journey in this world comes to an end, I've requested that my family set me out to sea. Don't you think it would be a strange thing to find the old bones of one such as myself in the Lord's tomb?
…
Hearing Anya's voice alone brings healing to my heart. Her mixed accent cuts through the silent sorrow like a bright bell. Anya folds up the letter and grins. She leans over and hands the letter to Splinter. "I like Uncle Leonardo. He grew to be very wise."
Splinter's eyes shine as he looks at the girl. "Yes. Thank you, Anya."
"Eighty-five years old…I can't believe it." Mikey awes.
"He had a son, a wife and grandkids, great-grandkids… friends. He had it all." Raphael muses. Amber nods her head.
"He said that he was happy." April murmurs.
"I guess that's all that matters." Casey shrugs.
"He was Lord of the land. Our brother…" I say.
Anya slips her hand in mine and whispers. "None of us would be here if he hadn't have gone away."
She's right.
Mikey and Raph help me take the Family Chest down to my Lab were I plan on spending the next few days repairing it. April and Amber go back downstairs and tend to the bookshop. Anya and I join Master Splinter and Casey up on the rooftop where we talk and clean and setup the grill and furniture. Later, Mikey and Arimi make us pizza for dinner and we all gather outside and eat together. Mikey says that it's the first time they've had pizza since I left. It's really good.
I'm so happy that Anya is speaking again. Everyone is asking her questions and she impresses them without even trying.
After we all set out for bed Anya and I sit by my bedside table and look at the silvery disc her mother had made her. She runs a tiny finger across its smooth surface.
"I know I have to speak to it. I just don't know what to say." She whispers.
"Maybe you should say hello." I offer.
She sighs and pulls on the long sleeves of the multi-colored pajama top Arimi had given her. "Hello, Mother?"
The machine chirps. Its lamp protrudes out and up, in a smooth motion, curving over the disc. Tiny pinpricks of light come alive around the top of the disc. Then a three-dimensional miniature version of Sasha appears. She is wearing a plain white shirt and dark jeans. She is barefoot. She's seated casually on a stool. Her hazel eyes sparkle and she's sporting a big smile.
"Hello Anya, my beautiful girl. This is my greeting program. You can run it again later just by asking for it." Sasha says.
Anya and I look at each other, completely amazed. She looks so real, yet she can only fit in the palm of my hand. Her voice makes my stomach swoon.
Sasha continues. "Since you have activated me, you must already know that I am no longer with you. I first want to apologize to you. I'm sorry Anya. I'm sorry I was not able to see you grow up, to hold you and kiss you, to share in your dreams and sadness. I will always love you and I know that you will be just fine. You are strong and smart and I know your new family will take care of you. This is a simulation that I have created. It is an artificial intelligence engine in the likeness of me. It will talk like me, answer your questions like me. As best as I could engineer, this AI knows you. And as you interact with it, it will grow with you. I wanted to give you a gift, so if you have any questions about me and my life, and questions about life, if I know how to answer, I will tell you truthfully. I know it is impossible to anticipate every question you could possibly ask me. If I don't know, I'll just tell you to ask your uncles or aunts… or your father. I want you to remember that I am not real. I don't want to be a crutch, and I'm not looking to replace anyone new in your life… so, on your eighteenth birthday, a termination program will commence. I will wish you happy birthday and at sunset this AI will shut down. You are not going to need me forever. And I don't want you to… That goes for both you."
My heart skips. She made a reference to me. Sasha… I promise.
"So, that is all. I'm right here to talk, whenever you need me, for a limited time. I hope you enjoy this gift… Also I cannot interact with anyone else except you… It's better this way."
It feels as if she's looking right at me when she says this.
Anya blinks widely. She sticks her hands through the lights of the disc, through the image of her mother.
Sasha laughs as if she's being tickled. "Anya, you know you can't touch a hologram."
Anya smiles. "Mother, you're amazing."
"So are you, Anya." Sasha coos.
"Mother, you can't talk to anyone but me… but can I tell you about people and you'll remember them?"
"Yes, you can tell me about anyone and I'll remember them."
Anya looks at me and back at the image of Sasha. "Mother, you should know that Donnie is taking very good care of me… and he still loves you."
Sasha's smile falls. She shifts on the stool. "I am sure he is taking good care of you. And in time he will have enough room in his heart to love again someday."
Anya nods. "I think she's programmed herself not to say your name… that's very kind of her." She says astutely.
"Yeah." I say. "Anya, I'm going up top for a while. Are you ok here for now?"
"Yes, Donnie." Anya says and turns her attention back to her 'mother'. "Mother, I want to tell you about my new family. There is Aunt Amber…"
I walk up to the rooftop, move the furniture out of the way and do my katas, trying to clear my mind. I couldn't stand hearing Sasha's voice any longer. Maybe one day, but not today, and what a day it has been. Now that we know about Leo, and Anya has overcome her shock, I need to start thinking about how we are formally going to say goodbye to my brother and to my love.
…
The sun is just peeking over the high wall of our rooftop patio; its light washes over us in warm shades of orange. The inescapable glow of a new morning seems to bless our meeting. But the light doesn't cover my feet. The growing difference of warmth in my head and toes hit a chord of longing within me…I feel myself wavering, not wanting to do the task that lay before me, but I retrieve my will to move. I stand before my family. They each hold a simple white candle in both of their hands solemnly. Some look at me and some do not, all wait quietly for me to speak. I try to meet each one in the eye before I begin, even those whose eyes are closed or are drifting away toward another direction.
"Whether a daughter has to say farewell to her mother or a father must say farewell to a son… or brothers and sisters have to say goodbye, neither parting hurts any less. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't want to have to stand here before you and come up with words or anecdotes or reminiscent stories about the people we know all too well.
"For such a long time the same thought kept spinning around in my mind like a wild typhoon. It kept whispering 'this isn't right, this isn't right'. It isn't right for Leonardo to be taken away from us. He was our beacon in the darkness, our rock. It isn't right that Sasha… had to die so young. It isn't right for Anya. I thought it wasn't right, I thought pain and tears, and change and suffering was wrong… but today… today I can look each one of you in the eye and say… that everything is all right. Leo sacrificed his life with us to protect our past. And we are blessed with Anya to secure our future. I can't think of anything more perfect than that. I don't know why it all had to happen this way or how it all worked out the way it did but I am very glad about it. The pain isn't gone, and I know out of the thousands of questions I have, more than a few will never be answered. I am still glad.
A few years ago during Thanksgiving dinner I told Leo why I was thankful for him; he was the head of our team… it was a lie to think that we can't survive without him. But it is true that we are forever changed because of him.
I don't know where my strength is coming from this morning; I have to say goodbye to a brother… and my love. All I have left to say to them is… thank you."
I strike a match and light my candle. I go to the glass memorial and light three small green candles, for Abigail Truth, Devin McGaff, and Donald Gleive. I pass the flame to Splinter's candle and he passes it to Anya and so on. We turn and face the family memorial. We ignite the candle for Amber's family, her siblings, niece and nephews, her mother and uncle. Anya and I light the golden candle for Sasha and Splinter lights the blue candle for Leonardo.
I look over at Arimi. The petite Japanese woman stares into the flames. She's holding onto Mikey's arm tightly. A soft breeze dances around us; it tussles her shiny black hair as she starts to sing softy… a traditional Japanese dirge. It speaks of a flowing river and the white cranes that wade in its meandering banks. It speaks of old men struggling to climb upstream in vain; how young men foolishly swim downstream too quickly. It speaks of how mortal hands cannot stop its current. It's beautiful and fitting.
Once Arimi ends her song, Splinter gazes at the small, lively lights of each candle. He bows his head and gives a short prayer, ending the somber ceremony. He raises a hand to me and places it on my arm. "You have done a good thing here, Donatello. Thank you for your kind and truthful words."
I nod and try to smile but I press my eyes tightly, holding back tears when he squeezes my arm lovingly.
"A true ninja balances his emotions. It is the most important thing to his survival. But a man shares his burdens with those closest to him and, in turn, makes the entire family strong. You were a young ninja who is now a man. Your strength to go on will return, as it will to us all, my son."
"I know. I will. I still miss him very much." I say.
Splinter nods and a strange grin appears over his snout. "Let us look on the bright side, my brilliant son. Leonardo had lived longer and, possibly, older that I am now. He had fresh air and clean water. The stars he saw at night are still hanging in the sky and maybe…" He says with obvious whimsy. "The same rain drop that fell on his head will one day find itself in your morning coffee."
I can't help but laugh a little. "Yeah, I guess so." Raphael and Mikey overhear our father's words and they smile as well.
Just then I feel Anya's little hand fit its way into mine. I look at her and she smiles softly at me. I kneel down to her and hug her. "How are you doing, kiddo?" I ask her.
"I'm good. I'm hungry." She says absently and her eyes wander to the golden candle's flame.
"I hope you're really hungry, honey." Amber comes up behind us, giving us a quick hug. "'Cause your other aunties and I are going downstairs to make a big feast of a breakfast right now."
Anya's smile turns into a toothy grin quickly. "Can I make the pancakes?"
"Hmm." Splinter chimes in. "Pancakes sound good."
"With chocolate chips!" Anya chirps and she takes the elderly rat's hand and leads him in a careful stroll toward the roof door.
"And whipped cream." Splinter humors the now bouncing ten-year-old girl.
"Sounds like a plan." Amber says as she takes Splinter's other arm, helping him along. April, Casey, Raph and Arimi follow close behind… leaving me alone with Michelangelo who is edging closer to me and clearing his throat.
"Uh, hey Donnie." He says.
"Hey, Mikey."
"That was a nice funeral speech you gave."
"Eulogy."
"What?"
"The speech you give at a funeral is called a eulogy."
"Oh."
"Thanks though." I say.
Our arms are crossed as we grow silent, staring at the colorful candles, slowing shortening from their flames.
"Donnie?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry… about Anya's mom."
"… Me too."
"I know how you feel, bro."
I nod. "I was hoping you didn't."
He snorts lightly. "You're too awesome of a guy not to get lucky again someday…" I quickly glance at him. He pursing his lips, inwardly chiding himself for giving me the 'move on' talk too soon.
I sigh. I know he didn't mean anything by it. "Someday, Mikey… when I make enough room."
He nods. Another quiet moment passes.
"Donnie?"
"Yeah?"
"Arimi and I were talking last night and we both got to wondering about something… it's kind of hard to explain… or ask?"
I turn and give him my full attention. "What is it?"
He furrows his brows and silently mumbles, trying to get his thoughts order. "Ok, so Leo got sent back two hundred years."
"Yes." I say.
"And he obviously kept up his training and passed it on to his son Yoshi."
I tilt my head to the side. "Yes?"
"So that could mean that Leo taught his son how to be a ninja, who then would have taught his own son martial arts…" he squints his eyes in concentration. "All the way down to 'our' Hamato Yoshi and then Splinter learned it from him."
He stops talking and looks at me… Am I supposed to answer a question? "What are you trying to say, Mikey?"
"Ok ok… if Splinter taught us and Leo ninjitsu but Leo went back in time and taught his son, then his descendants taught Yoshi who then taught Splinter who taught us… Do you see where I going?" He ends in a high voice.
"I think I understand your dilemma." I smirk.
"Yes!" He shoots his palms to the sky. "This is what I'm trying to say! Who taught who? Did Splinter teach Leo or did Leo teach Splinter? Who came up with our style of fighting? Was it Splinter? No! Because he learned it from Hamato Yoshi. But Hamato Yoshi learned it from his father and his father's father… all the back to LEO!"
Mikey suddenly stopped rambling. I think his brain needs to reboot. I chuckle and place a hand on his shoulder. "Mikey, what we are dealing with is the confusing notion of a Paradox. It comes up all the time when dealing with time travel. Is it one time line or many? Is it one dimension or countless dimensions? Or was it always Leo's Fate to live twenty years here and sixty years there… I don't know but…" I stop my lecture when I notice Mikey leaning over, cradling his head.
"I'm sorry Mikey. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. It's clear that the Leo that was taken from us is the same Leo that left his bandana and that letter for us, hidden under the family Chest. The BIG question in my mind is what if Leo had seen the letter and his bandana before he left…" I draw back once again as I see Mikey's left eye twitch. "Sorry! All this to say… I don't know. Science is infinite in its truth but as much as I can study it, I do not have infinite understanding. What happened to Leo… what happened to me… it's a phenomenon. It is what it is, it works to balance creation, whether us mortals understand it or not."
Mikey nods and sighs hard, coming up for air. "Whoa, that sounds totally epic and stuff, bro but… Hey do you smell bacon?"
Indeed, I do.
"C'mon Donnie! Let's see if we can speed things up by setting the table! I'm starving!"
"I'll be down in sec." I call after his orange tail, dipping down the stairwell.
I turn my attention back to the memorial, the blue candle actually. "Thank you." I whisper once more.
…