Self Inserts Don't Die

If you had asked me what anime I'd least like being inserted into... Well I'd probably mention a post-apocalyptic anime as even someone with three quarters of a brain can avoid danger in a hentai anime.

Let me try again. If you stuck me in Ranma one half you'd probably end up with a bloodbath, as I really don't find violence all that funny and I generally react just, if not more, violently in return.

Now keeping that in mind, inserting me in Love Hina rates out near the top of my 'Do-Not-Want' list. So naturally my author stuffed me in there, the sodding bastard!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

I awake in a bit of pain, and climbed out of a crater. If not for the fact that I was wearing regular clothing I'd wonder if I was replacing Superman, but I checked my wallet anyway.

"Fuckin Joy," I muttered as I found myself looking at an ID card for one Keitaro Urashima. Dusting myself off I saw I'd landed in a construction area and my head had dented a steel girder on the way down.

I have some general knowledge of Love Hina, so I'm not completely in the dark, but I am in no way an expert disliking any show that makes light of spousal abuse. I can put up with a certain degree of it, but I just don't find it funny. At any rate I know nothing of time lines for the place, which is probably a good thing as my presence is going to alter events in short order.

There is no way I can impersonate Keitaro for any length of time without someone discovering I lack his memories, so I won't try. Fortunately, he hadn't gotten a new ID card so I had an excuse to show up at his home rather than returning to Hina. I needed a couple of days to figure out what I wanted to do and how I planned on handling things before I faced the residents.

"Hey Mister, are you ok?" one of the construction workers called out as they slowly approached.

"No idea," I admitted. "I seem to be ok, but I can't remember anything."

"You banged your head hard enough to give Godzilla a headache," he said.

"I don't have to fill out an accident report or anything, do I?"

"No, no," the man waved it off. "I would like you to sign a form saying you won't sue however."

"As long as I'm not paying to replace that I-beam," I said nodding to the dented beam high overhead.

"Not a problem," the man promised relieved. "We can fix that easy."

Apparently he was the foreman, as he summoned a man in a suit with the appropriate paperwork with just a wave of his hand along with another man carrying donuts, coffee, and a hot towel.

I cleaned my face and hands of dust and sunscreen and ate a few donuts while going over the contract. Everything was above board so I signed, said my thanks, and was given directions to the rail line I needed to go home.

The sunlight seemed unusually warm on my skin through the train's windows and as my pain faded into a distant memory I began to feel optimistic about my situation. Sure I was in one of my least favorite animes, but I was in an anime and Keitaro was nearly immortal!

I paused at that thought and closed my eyes trying to sense the quickening or another immortal. Thankfully I came up empty, as I wasn't a highlander style immortal, though I did seem to be able to hear the mutterings of the crowd a bit better.

In addition to being immortal I have superior hearing and Japanese people mutter things under their breath almost constantly.

I had to switch trains twice and night was beginning to fall when I reached my home. It wasn't a very big house but it was a house, which cost serious money in Japan.

I knocked and a dark haired girl answered the door, immediately squealing in excitement as she jumped on me, wrapping her arms and legs around me. This of course brought her—or I guess our—parents to the door.

"Son?" Hugs were exchanged with his father. "What are you doing here?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I slammed my head into a steel girder and can't remember... anything," he offered. "I had to look in my wallet to figure out my name and where I lived."

"Get down, dear," Keitaro's mother told Kanako who was still clinging to Keitaro like a koala bear to its favorite tree.

Kanako released her brother but kept a hold on his hand. "You don't remember anything?!" she asked horrified.

"General memories and skills, but not personal memories," he explained. "I hit that girder pretty hard."

"You run the female dorm for Grandma Hina," Kanako explained, before either of their parents could. "You are working on getting into Tokyo University."

"Who thought it was a good idea to make me a manager for a female dorm?" he asked.

"Mother," his father replied amused.

"She split and left you holding the bag," Kanako admitted. "Without a manager the girls would be sent home, so you agreed."

"I'm going to have to beg a bed for the night, unless the dorm is nearby?" he asked.

"I've got an extra futon," Kanako said excited, "you can share my room and I'll go with you to the inn in the morning."

"Inn?" he asked.

"Before it was made into a dorm it was the Hinata Inn," she explained. "You promised when we grew up, we'd run it together."

"That sounds nice," he admitted, thinking he'd be glad when things were straightened out and he could admit to some knowledge of Keitaro's life, while the holes were covered by amnesia as would be the personality change.

After dinner, Kanako shared her photo album with him and talked about all the good times they'd had together. It didn't spark any memories, but he found himself laughing along with her at the situations they'd gotten into.

He knew enough to be unsurprised when Kanako snuck into his futon, but he wrapped his arms around her and she simply snuggled up to him and slept peacefully the rest of the night.

The next day...

"Are you sure we should be bathing together?" Keitaro asked Kanako as she scrubbed his back.

"We've bathed together tons of times," she assured him, leaving out the fact that it was when they were a lot younger. "This just saves time."

"Ok," he agreed, knowing it was no use arguing. Keeping his eyes from drifting down and thinking about sports got him through the bath with no embarrassing reactions, much to Kanako's disappointment or so he gathered from her under the breath mutters.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It was nearly noon before they reached the Inn, switching trains half a dozen times and stopping for a shaved ice after they'd finally arrived at the Hinata station.

"That is a lot of stairs," Keitaro said. "Not the best entrance for an Inn when the general public is so out of shape."

"Yes, however I planned to be a lot pickier about guests than some common love hotel," Kanako said firmly. "Running the hotel isn't about money, but about family."

He smiled as they climbed the stairs, Kanako holding his hand as she had since they'd left the house that morning. "Good. If our only motive is money there are better ways to make it."

Opening the door and entering the Inn they saw everyone seated at the table for lunch and froze, as did everyone at the table.

"Two Keitaros?" Su asked in wonder breaking the silence.

"Dibs on being the evil twin!" the Keitaro with Kanako said.

Keitaro cleaned his glasses and got up from the table, "Keitaro Urashima," he introduced himself.

Kanako's Keitaro shook his hand. "There's a lot of that going around."

The pair laughed.

"Well we shook hands and we didn't vanish or explode," Keitaro said.

"So not a time traveler or an antimatter version of our Keitaro," Su announced.

"Also have the same dominant hand and I haven't seen any reversed lettering," Kanako's Keitaro said cheerfully.

"Not a mirror image either, no Wonderland for you!" Su joked shaking a finger.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Naru exploded wide eyed, startling the other girls out of their silence and starting a flood of questions.

Kanako allowed their situation to go on for about ten seconds. "Quiet!"

Silence descended on the room as she glared at everyone. "Which one of you is my brother?!" she demanded.

"Considering I woke up in a crater with head injuries he probably has a better claim on the identity," Kanako's Keitaro admitted. "I assumed I was him because it's all the ID I had on me. Maybe we should check my prints."

"You don't remember who you are?" Keitaro asked.

"That sounds pretty suspicious to me," Motoko said placing a hand on the hilt of her ever present sword.

"Didn't I just point that out? Kanako's Keitaro asked Kanako. "I could have sworn I did and asked if we could run my prints which would require a trip to the police station I'd wager."

"I can run the prints!" Su exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and running towards the stairs. "Let me get my scanner!"

Kanako's Keitaro blinked. "How is she going to have access to police or hospital records?"

"It's probably best not to ask," Keitaro said.

"What do you remember?" Mitsume asked.

"I woke up in a crater underneath a dented I-Beam," Kanako's Keitaro said, causing Keitaro to wince and rub his head. "I remember... a promise?"

"To run the inn?" Kanako asked still looking from one Keitaro to the other to see if there was any differences.

"No, to get into a school," Kanako's Keitaro said. "There were these two girls—"

"Keitaro you two timer!" Naru yelled.

"Both the girls were there at the same time and we all three swore to get into college together," Kanako's Keitaro said. "Where the hell do you get off calling us a two timer?"

"Both the girls?" Mitsune asked curiously.

"Yes, one had a Liddo-kun doll she carried everywhere and her name started with an N, I think. The other girl... fell asleep a lot and ate a lot of watermelon."

"It was the watermelon eating girl's idea to make the promise," Keitaro said. "I can't believe I didn't remember that!"

"Mutsumi," Motoko said. "You made the promise to Naru and Mutsumi."

Kanako's Keitaro pretended to be shocked. "Are you psychic?"

"It was Naru and Mutsumi!" Keitaro said joyfully. "I can remember it now!"

"I've got the scanner!" Su yelled leaping down the stairs. "Put em up!"

Kanako's Keitaro played along and put his hands up while she pointed what looked like a price gun-laser scanner from the grocery store.

"Price check on Keitaro number one," she announced pulling the trigger and sending a red laser to roll across his hands.

*Ding*

"It says he's Keitaro," she announced.

"Then who am I?" Keitaro asked confused and worried.

"Scan him too," Kanako's Keitaro suggested.

Keitaro held up his hands and Su ran here scanning laser over them.

*Ding*

"Also Keitaro," Su announced.

"How is that possible?" Mitsune asked.

Kanako grabbed both Keitaro's and compared their fingers. "Their prints are identical."

"And how is that possible?" Mitsune repeated.

"Don't look at me," Kanako's Keitaro said with a shrug, still holding Kanako's hand. "I lost track of the plot along with my memories when I woke up in a crater yesterday. I had to find out who I was and where I lived from my wallet and apparently I forgot to update my home address on it."

"I keep forgetting to do that," Keitaro admitted. "And I also woke up in a crater yesterday, but I didn't lose my memory."

"I know what happened!" Sue squealed excitedly. "Motoko cut Keitaro in half and since he's immortal he grew into two complete Keitaros!"

Kanako's Keitaro shrugged. "I'm definitely calling dibs on being the evil twin then."

Typing by: Stephenopolos

TN: "My alter ego is a kryptonian, and I play fast and loose with his genetics and general appearance every time I throw him into a story."