On and Off the Wall - Ranmamnar

With a sound like thunder, the sky over the Tendos' back yard split open and a glowing figure fell out of the hole in the sky to crash into the koi pond.

"It's always the koi pond," the red headed woman swore as she climbed out in front of the startled residents.

"Who are you?" Ranma demanded.

"I'm you," the red head retorted as she wrung out her hair. "Just a bit older and a whole lot wiser."

"What?!"

"You heard me. We entered something called a 'Wonderland Mirror', thanks to Kuno who found out yesterday about our curse, but decided that it just means we'd used foul sorcery to fuse us together. He got a hold of the mirror and thought it would separate us."

"When did this happen?" Ranma asked, scratching his head.

"Just now, but since I destroyed the mirror you can't go on the trip we went on, if you get my meaning."

"Then how are you here?" Nabiki asked, confused. "If you destroy the mirror before Ranma uses it, it creates a paradox."

"Magic corn-holes science," the red head said bluntly.

"If you're me, then what am I thinking?" Ranma demanded.

"I said I'm an older and wiser you, not that I was a telepath," the red head said, shaking her head.

"You could be Copycat Ken or another mirror clone!" Ranma retorted.

"Or I could start embarrassing you by revealing stuff from the past you don't want known," Red said evilly.

"You're bluffing," he swore, his pigtail sticking out.

"Nope, and since I was going back and forth in time so much I even have color photos of stuff that happened before color photos were invented. Now for my first embarrassing moment that we would rather die than reveal... a week after we arrived, we got up at four thirty six A.M. thinking we'd wet the bed because Nabiki had poured cold water on us while we slept so she could take photos, anyway we..." Red's voice was quickly muffled by Ranma's hands.

"I believe you!"

"Thanks," Red said smugly. Recalling in her mind's eye sneaking into the furo only to open the door and get an eye-full of a naked Kasumi bent over in front of him.

"So what happened?" Nabiki said eagerly.

"As I said, we'd rather die than reveal it or at least he would; but I'm hardly going to give you dirt on myself."

"I'll get the story out of you one way or another," Nabiki said with a smirk.

"Sorry, but the only person we share that memory with is our wife. Told her on our first anniversary."

"Yes!" the fathers chorused.

"Tell me, boy. When do you marry, Akane?!" Genma demanded excitedly.

"Marry, Akane?" Red looked confused. "Oh, yeah. You guys don't know what happens to her."

"What?!" Akane screeched.

Red shook her head. "I'm not interfering with her future. Let's just say Akane is... unavailable for comment in the future."

"So you marry Nabiki?" Soun asked eagerly.

Red snorted. "Please, Nabiki is dead by the time I get married. At least I hope she is, 'cause the life she had is the stuff of nightmares."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow and glared at her. "And I suppose you don't want to interfere in my life either?"

Red shrugged. "I can tell you what happened, I just don't think it matters."

"Don't think it matters?!" Soun shouted.

Red nodded. "Yeah, it doesn't really matter. A leopard doesn't change her spots, so the end was pretty much a given. Her 'business' caught the Yak's attentions and they were impressed enough to invite her to join. Later, she was caught skimming and forced to work at one of their brothels to pay them back."

Everyone looked horrified.

"I've visited a lot of timelines and even telling her about it makes no difference. Nabiki occasionally changes what business she runs, but it always ends up attracting the Yaks because of the way she runs it, and she always thinks she's smarter than everyone else so she always skims and gets caught. Hell, with all the times she's sold me out or tried to blackmail me, I have no pity for her left."

"How can you say that?!" Soun demanded, worried about his baby girl.

"About the third time she's drugged my tea to try to deliver me to someone so they could... do things while I was unconscious. I'm stubborn, but strike three and you're out. Let me put it this way, I consider Kodachi a better person than Nabiki. Certainly she's more trustworthy."

"I - I don't do anything similar, right?" Akane asked nervously.

"Not remotely. Your temper gets a bit out of hand, but the first time you almost hit a kid you immediately start doing something about it. I can tell you that much without screwing things up for you."

"Thanks," Akane said thoughtfully.

"So we marry Kasumi?" Ranma asked, trying to sound casual and failing.

"Nope. Kasumi was supposed to be our fiancé when we first arrived, but she considered us much too freakish because of our curse," Red said flatly.

Ranma sighed and seemed to shrink a bit. "And since you still got the curse, I'm guessing we remain freaks forever."

The handle of the teacup in Kasumi's hand snapped as she set it down a bit too hard. "You are not a freak," she said firmly. "Just young and uncultured."

Red shrugged. "Our only chance for a cure was the barrel of water the guide sent to us for saving his daughter and you remember how Soun stole that before the whole wedding fiasco to blackmail us into marrying Akane. I guess Nabiki got it from his side of the family."

"Now see here," Soun began, but Red glared him into submission.

"You're older and more cultured!" Genma burst out. "You could marry Kasumi!"

Red tossed a glass of water on Genma. "You don't get to have a say in my life. I think an actual panda would have done a better job raising me and after seeing a couple of timelines where you forced me to marry Soun because my curse was locked, I'm not all that far from locking your form and selling you to a restaurant that specializes in endangered species!"

Genma quickly grabbed a beach ball and pretended he was an ordinary panda.

"Ranma," Red said softly. "There is nothing for us here. Not friends, not family, not honor. Pack up and head to mom's house. I'll catch up later. I have to take care of the other two engagements, so we're free of complications here."

Ranma nodded and headed upstairs. If he couldn't trust himself, who could he trust?

Akane looked like she was going to say something to Ranma, but Red stopped her. "Yes, you're at least a friend, but you leave here in a couple of weeks yourself."

"Oh," Akane said quietly, wondering what she was supposed to be doing.

Kasumi cleared here throat and straightened her shoulders, clearly determined to do something.

"Forget it," Red's voice snapped out harshly. "The last thing we need is someone 'lowering' themselves to marry us. Soun's theft of our cure is reason enough for a blood feud, but we'll settle for breaking the engagement. I'm not about to allow someone to steal our chance at happiness to try to repair their own tattered honor. We deserve love and we'll settle for nothing less!"

Silence descended on the room for the few minutes it took for Ranma to return with his stuff.

"You'll see Akane at school," Red promised, rushing Ranma out the door, "but warn mom about me too. I'll take care of loose ends here."

Ranma nodded, feeling rather surreal about the whole thing as he left.

"The schools..."Soun began.

"Can't be joined because you never truly trained Akane as your heir. She's as good as she is despite you, not because of you. I can't tell you the number of schools that would drool over the thought of making her their heir in Nerima alone. Of course Soun has forbidden the local schools from teaching her."

Akane turned betrayed eyes towards Soun.

Red pulled out a notebook and checked off a couple of items. "Akane's future is on track, so she'll have a good shot at being happy. Genma has been warned, so after this I can take care of him with a clear conscience. Ditto Soun and Nabiki. What am I forgetting?" She flipped a page and her eyes lit up. "Kasumi dooming us to a miserable marriage with her selfishness has been averted. Take care of Ukyou and Shampoo next and I'll be done here. With the exception of Akane, I hope I never see the rest of you again. Goodbye."

"Get the door Mr. Part Time," Cologne ordered as she finished cleaning the kitchen for the night.

Mousse grumbled some uncomplimentary things under his breath about old women as he went to get the door. Opening the door, he couldn't help but glare at who was there. "What do you want?" Red leaned forward and whispered something in Mousse's ear that caused him to freeze solid as he considered it, and finally to grin as Red finished speaking. "Elder Cologne, a friend of the Amazons is calling on you to settle a question of law!" Mousse called out loudly, attracting Cologne and Shampoo's attention.

"Airen!" Shampoo squealed and threw her arms around Red, who for once didn't struggle to escape, nor did Mousse complain.

"So Son-in-law, finally decide to come sweep my granddaughter off her feet?" Cologne asked curiously.

"A bit," Red agreed, "but I have a few questions about Amazon law to cover first."

"Really?" Shampoo asked hopefully.

"Yep. Since I defeated Saffron and Herb, it's not really best for the village to have me in residence full time. I'm a destabilizing influence for the area. Shampoo is needed there full-time as she is the village champion and the leader for her generation. Both of us have duties to our families that we simply can't overlook or abandon, so I'm proposing a compromise, and I want to know if it's legal by the village laws."

"I'm listening," Cologne said. She'd pondered the same problems herself and knew of several possible work-arounds, but she was curious as to which one Red had come up with.

"I have no problem with Shampoo baring my children. From what I've seen she comes from excellent stock," Red teased, making Cologne chuckle. "But children are much more likely to be happy, healthy, and safe when raised by at least two parents. Since I won't be in residence more than a week every three months, I'm going to have to insist Shampoo get a second husband. One that fits in with the village."

Shampoo remained silent, following everything and sure that things were going her way.

"I assume you have someone in mind," Cologne stated, prodding an answer from Red.

"Yes. I know of a male who has proven his worth to me in battle and has shown enough devotion to my wife that I feel better knowing he'd be there to care for her and the children."

Cologne and Shampoo looked a bit down, knowing who Red was referring to and the reason it wouldn't work.

"Before you say anything, Mousse's eyes are screwed up because he had mumps as a child, not for any genetic reason."

"How do you know that?" Cologne asked.

"Got trapped in a magic mirror for a while, the endless reflections of my life taught me quite a bit, but that's not important now, what's important is that Mousse's problem isn't genetic and I even know how to get it fixed."

Cologne smiled broadly seeing a very happy ending to her granddaughter's problems. "Well, Shampoo, what do you think? Can you handle these two strapping young men?"

Shampoo passed out in an explosion of nasal blood.

"Shampoo no hentai!" Red chuckled.

Typing by: Ordieth!