Lay of the Land

"Mom?" Buffy called out concerned. "What are you doing up?"

"Listen carefully, I'm not your mom, Boytoy got a hold of the body switching amulet and tricked me into switching places with her."

"Boytoy… Faith?!"

"Yeah," Faith agreed, her body language and manner of speaking jarringly out of place on Joyce's body.

"Why would he do that?" Buffy demanded.

"I don't know!" Faith exploded. "All I know is he said he had a way for me to make up for everything I did to you guys and then he splits with your mom and my body! Has he lost it?!"

"I-I don't know," Buffy admitted. "Him and Anya broke up because he refused to let Willow die when her ex showed back up and he was upset when Dawn… There have been some major events around here lately," Buffy said bluntly. "Mom just got out of the hospital after major surgery so you should lay down and try to take it easy until we get this all sorted out."

"But I feel fine," Faith said with a frown. "I mean sure I felt crappy at first, which is how X grabbed Joyce and split without me stoppin' 'em, but after some sleep and half the fridge I'm feeling fine now."

Buffy stared at her in shock.

"Are you still the slayer?" Buffy asked.

"Of course I am," Faith snorted. "What kind of question is that?"

"But you aren't in a slayer's body," she pointed out.

"Arm wrestle?" Faith offered.

Dawn entered the living room only to stare in shock as her mom was arm wrestling with Buffy and winning! "Mom?"

"Faith," she corrected. "X switched me and Joyce and did a runner."

"Why?" Dawn demanded.

"Don't know," Faith admitted.

"We need Giles," Buffy said.

"I hate research," Faith groaned.

"Actually if you want to know what Xander was thinking you'd be better off asking Willow," Dawn said.

"I hate her more than research," Faith said.

The Magic Box

"Xander tricked Faith into switching bodies with mom and then ran off with mom in Faith's body," Buffy told the gathered Scoobs who looked at the healthy and pissed looking Joyce in surprise.

"Shouldn't you be in bed then?" Giles asked Faith.

"I'm still the slayer," Faith said. "I got over whatever it was pretty damn quick."

"M-maybe that was what Xander was counting on," Tara suggested.

"He did say it was to make up for everything," Faith admitted.

"Ho-" Willow began when Faith snapped out, "Shut it, Red. I don't feel like putting up with your holier than thou crap. To quote my third grade teacher 'unless you have something constructive to say be silent'."

"Willow has just as much right to speak as anyone else and I'm sure what she was going to say was perfectly constructive," Buffy defended her.

"Really? OK, fine, let's hear the constructive comment that I'm sure wasn't a snide comment about what I've done being unforgivable," Faith said looking at Willow expectantly.

Willow blushed and looked away.

"Keep the bitch on a leash," Faith told Buffy. "I'm here because I trusted Xander, not because I felt like being insulted because she's jealous I fucked him and she didn't."

Willow paled and Tara looked curious, but Faith didn't say anymore.

"This would be a lot easier if Xander were here to question," Giles said.

"Has anyone tried calling his cell?" Anya asked.

"I need a cigarette," Faith said as everyone exchanged glances, wondering why they hadn't thought of that.

"No doing things in my Mom's body that she doesn't do," Buffy ordered.

"Who's got Xander's mobile number?" Giles asked.

"He changed carriers when I removed him from my cell plan," Anya said. "I don't have his new number."

Everyone checked their phones but they all had his old number.

"Well that was a bust," Dawn said, when the phone in Joyce's purse rang and Faith answered it.

"Yello," Faith said. "Where the hell are - yeah? OK, that makes sense. No, I'm fine. Healed that shit right up. I'm dying for a cig. Then you can't have anal sex. Fine, but use lube. I'll smoke lights. Yeah, later."

Everyone stared at Faith who was digging through Joyce's purse.

"Well?" Dawn demanded.

"Well, what?" Faith asked pulling out a twenty.

"What did they say?" Giles asked.

"Xander is keeping us switched for seventy two hours for some mystical reason, which is probably just a guess, and Joyce said I can smoke."

"Why did he switch you two?" Buffy asked.

"There was a prophecy of Joyce's death, so he decided to put a fix in," Faith explained. "I save Joyce and he forgives me for everything I ever did wrong."

"Anal sex and cigarettes?" Anya asked.

"She said I could smoke," Faith replied. "'Nuff said."

"Should I be traumatized?" Dawn asked Tara.

"Nah," Faith waved it off. "Save that for when they start bumpin' uglies and she's back in her own body."

"They what!" Buffy exclaimed.

Anya frowned. "Xander always liked Joyce and I can't see her turning him down once she's back in her own body."

"And why are they having sex?!" Buffy exploded.

"She isn't used to having slayer cravings," Faith replied with a shrug. "I'm not cruel enough to make her suffer through them when X is available to help her. Now where's the nearest store that sells cigs?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Why was she talking about anal sex?" Joyce asked Xander.

"The gang probably annoyed her, so she was probably convincing them we were off having sex."

Joyce giggled. "And she said we could have anal sex if we used lube?"

"In exchange for letting her smoke in your body," Xander agreed.

"Why are we hiding out from everyone?" Joyce asked.

"Because I've found I can get more done faster without them stopping me for some reason or another. OK, to be fair, sometimes they're right, but this one was a no brainer on how to heal you."

Joyce suddenly winced and rubbed her stomach. "Wish she hadn't been on her period."

Xander froze. "Say that again."

Joyce opened her mouth but the motel room door was kicked in and several vampires rushed in before she could answer. The fight was short and brutally one-sided. Xander had been armed for apocalypse and Joyce… Joyce's high kick snapped the vampire's neck, throwing him into his friend and before he could recover Joyce had moved in and drove her thumbs into both his eyes, blinding him. Seeing Xander had taken care of the vampire attacking him she casually reached out and snapped the neck of the blind vamp to silence his screaming.

"Whoa," Joyce said. "That was a rush!"

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "So you still have Faith's instincts?"

"It seems so," Joyce agreed, "but I don't need for what comes next, it's pretty obvious."

"Really?" Xander asked confused.

"Uh huh," Joyce agreed slinking forward and grabbing Xander. "Gimme some sugar, baby!"

Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai