Peace Through Superior Firepower

Bobby Drake shook his head and explained, "I mean there should be mutants with powers that aren't useful in battle at all. We always find the guys who can shoot lasers or bench press a tank, but why don't we ever find mutants whose abilities are to make rocks edible or create... roller coasters?"

Nightcrawler blinked and scratched his fuzzy blue chin. "If a mutant could create roller coasters Disney would have hired him if not kidnapped him."

Kitty Pryde snorted, "And how do you know that this hypothetical mutant roller coaster creator is male? It could be a woman!"

Bobby looked over at her. "The mutant power to create roller coasters is linked to the Y chromosome. The same powers expressed in a female would be the power to make waterslides."

"That is the most sexist thing I've ever heard!" Kitty growled working herself up for a rant.

Professor X rolled up with two new mutants in tow. "What are we discussing?"

The power to create water slides and roller coasters," Nightcrawler replied.

"You mean like Susan Cormaline?" Professor X asked, completely derailing Kitty.

"Who?" Bobby asked curiously.

"Old friends of mine," Professor X explained. "She has the mutant ability to create water slides."

Kitty growled and stormed off.

Nightcrawler turned to the two mutants. "I am Nightcrawler, I can teleport. This is Iceman, he can create ice."

The new mutant on the left looked about fifteen and had red hair, pointed ears and golden feline eyes. "I'm Roger, no mutant name yet, I have the proportional strengths of a cat."

The new mutant on the left had green hair and blue eyes. "Shelia, no mutant name yet, I can absorb light and fire blasts of concussive force from my hands."

Roger had to ask what the two newcomers were wondering, "Why were you teasing her?"

"Because she goes on these crusades and makes us all thoroughly sick of them in short order before she finds something new to annoy us with," Bobby explained.

"I believe her latest rant had tipped the balance against her," Nightcrawler said.

"Oh? I'm afraid I didn't catch it, I was busy with important matters," Professor X noted.

"She started off by saying that calling us X-Men was sexist and we should be called X-People. Even a couple of the guys agreed with that, saying being called an X-Man made it sound like they were castrated," Nightcrawler told the two new mutants.

"Truthfully the original name is a bit sexist," Xavier agreed. "Female mutants were in short supply compared to males and since it was supposed to be an actual branch of the FBI I was trying to follow their policies. I always figured the first female FBI agents would come from the X-men branch and encourage change to the rest, but we never became official and so Jean Grey never got the recognition she deserved as the first female FBI agent."

"Yes, well Kitty then went off on a rant about how the term mutant actually applies to all males since we are a mutation on the female genome."

There was dead silence for about a minute as everyone just stood there stunned.

Nightcrawler nodded. "That was about everyone else's reaction too, and that was before she started going on about the double x gene."

Xavier rubbed his temples. "Even being a telepath doesn't help me understand some people. At any rate we haven't changed the name or logo because its on everything and I don't feel like paying a quarter of a million dollars to change it."

"Good reason," Shelia agreed. "Plus I think calling out X-person in battle sounds silly."

Everyone nodded.

"She'll find a new cause next semester. Last semester it was trying to make us all vegan. That didn't last long because Logan snapped after a week and almost cooked and ate her. She was really happy to be able to phase through objects when that happened. Fortunately Logan's rival Sabertooth had fed-exed him a care package filled with meat products so he calmed down and stopped stalking her." Bobby smiled.

Nightcrawler nodded. "Anyway before she came up we were discussing why we only get mutants with powers that are perfect for battle and nothing else really."

The two new mutants smirked as they glanced at each other.

"My fault, I'm afraid." Xavier offered in explanation. "Since we are combat oriented for the most part I don't spend a lot of time or effort on recruiting those whose powers aren't a threat to others. There's no real rush for them to master their abilities, so I hand them some booklets and send them on their way."

Bobby nodded. "I knew I had seen three new recruits! So the third guy or gal didn't have a combat oriented ability?"

Roger and Shelia looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"You could say that," Xavier admitted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The rejected mutant grumbled to himself as he walked off with a backpack over his shoulder and a small handbook entitled: 'Your powers and you' by Professor X.

To say he was a bit miffed by his treatment was an understatement. He'd been told to go to Xavier's and he would help him. Seeing as how he looked like a five fingered and toe'd version of Nightcrawler without the fur, he'd needed a safe haven.

There were just too many hate groups after anyone who looked different and Adam Leopold Franklin certainly looked different.

He'd hoped he would turn out to have powers like Nightcrawler since they'd looked so much alike, but Xavier had managed to activate his powers and well, they were pretty unique.

Adam had used his powers once, finding it incredibly easy to do, and Xavier had slipped him five thousand in cash and patted him on the back while shoving him out the door.

'Well at least I don't have to worry about getting targeted by any hate groups for my power," Adam thought to himself shortly before something struck him in the back of the head and everything went black.

Adam woke up handcuffed to a rail in a warehouse of some kind.

"This mutant has come from the very pits of hell itself!" a man dressed in Levis and a T-shirt called out, stirring up the working class crowd into a frenzy. "Just look at him!"

Adam groaned. He knew he shouldn't have left LA. There were so many freaks in LA that not only didn't he stand out, he was considered a bit dull appearance-wise and that was among the normal humans!

"Who knows what deadly and destructive power he possesses?" the man played to the crowd.

Adam grinned as he tested the cuffs. They'd made them tight enough for a human, but not tight enough for a mutant with really flexible joints.

"So if I prove, my power is neither deadly nor destructive, you'll let me go?" Adam shouted slipping out of the cuffs, but making no move to run as he knew where that would lead. "After all if I'm not dangerous and just look weird then attacking me means you're just bigots who hate me for the color of my skin, right?" Adam shouted.

The crowd fell silent as the multiethnic group, united in hatred, glanced uneasily around them. The man on stage knew he'd lose the crowd if he didn't agree, but he truly believed mutants were dangerous creatures created by the devil and was more than willing to sacrifice himself if it would save others.

"Blast me with your power," the man offered, holding his arms out fearlessly, sure he was about to become a martyr for the cause.

Adam held up a hand and it began to glow. "One question first, boxers or briefs?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

A very old woman, who had seen far too much and ripped out her eyes, rang the bell on the X-mansion.

"He knew I was coming, but does he have the common courtesy to greet a guest? Of course not, he's far too busy trying to figure things out he could just ask me to explain."

Wolverine groaned when he saw Irene Adler.

She looked older than lint, but she always made him feel so damn old. Her mutant name was Destiny as she could see the future more clearly than most could see the present, but in his mind he always called her 'Pita' or pain in the ass.

"Come on gramps, time's a wastin' and while one of us here will see the next century, despite all the self-abuse, it won't be me."

"Yes, Miss Adler. You here to bug, Chuck?" Wolverine said trying to be polite.

"Yes, I'm going to tell him how his war-mongering has removed him from the peace process and guaranteed his dream will only come true without his influence."

Wolverine's stogie almost dropped out of his mouth, shocked by the idea of Charles as a warmonger and peace between mutants and humans actually happening. "You're joking."

"Nope, young Chuckie made a big mistake which has benefited the world greatly."

Before she could say more, an alarm went off notifying everyone that another mutant had just activated their power and been detected by Cerebro.

"Nice timing," Wolverine said suspiciously.

"My life is all about timing," Destiny pointed out. "Now let's go bug Chuck before he screws things up."

Wolverine escorted the old woman to where Charles Xavier was organizing a team.

"A mutant has just activated among a crowd of Human-First members and while I hope we get there in time, I'm afraid we must face the reality of the situation. He's likely to be seriously injured or possibly dead by the time we arrive," Professor X said gravely.

"Well how about letting the precog tell you what's going to happen?" Destiny suggested.

Charles blinked. "I forgot you were coming."

"Yes, I'm sure. You've been a bit... distracted this morning. Well let me tell you the crossroads we are at. If you send in a team, people will panic and deaths will occur, if you don't send a team..."

"A single death will occur." Charles sighed heavily. "So I am faced with choosing whether I follow what I preach or do I act like a hypocrite and prove I value mutant life above normal human ones."

"You are a melodramatic putz," Destiny said breaking the silence that had descended on the room. "And a rude one at that. Now as I was saying, if you do nothing then no one will die."

Cerebro went off notifying everyone of another mutant activation.

"That's quite a coincidence," one of the students said. shortly before it sounded again for the same place.

"No coincidence," Destiny began, only to be interrupted by Cerebro again.

Everyone waited but the alarm didn't go off again.

"As I was saying that mutant you turned away, Adam is using his ability to show a group of fearful people that not all mutant abilities are harmful or to be feared."

"What? Where would they get a crazy idea like that?" Wolverine replied.

"Well they only see mutants on the news, so all they see are the X-men and The Brotherhood! The majority of the hate group is composed of people who think mutants are nothing but combat monsters since, warmonger that he is, Charlie 'Chuckles' here only takes in combat type mutations," Irene summed up.

"What about the rest?" Cyclops spoke up.

"Small dicked men with Napoleon complexes," she said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So, we're good?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, sorry about the whole 'Die spawn of Satan' thing," John said, embarrassed but glad he wore boxers.

"Ah, don't worry about it," Adam said. "I'm just glad we got it settled."

"Here yes, but there are other places that need to hear the truth and my 'sermons' helped stir up this mess, so I have to make it right. How do you feel about coming along to provide proof?"

"We'll need Earl," Adam replied. "I mean, sure my ability is great for convincing most men, but Earl awakens mutants who are handy to have around."

John nodded and waved to a chubby man who was talking to a pair of twin girls who followed him over.

"Sure, what do you need?" Earl asked.

"We were thinking of taking this show on the road and ending all the fear, anger, and hate," John told the three.

"Sounds like a great idea," Earl said. "I got two more just activated mutants who will probably be a godsend then."

"Hi, I'm Jenny, I can alter body fat percentages and increase women's breast size," a blonde in her mid-twenties said.

"And I'm Jill," her twin said. "I can fix skin problems, from blemishes and unwanted tattoos to scars and stretch marks."

John laughed. "The face of hate is ugly, but you have to love the irony of what we'll be doing to fix that."

"We need codenames," Earl said. "Even though I was an idiot and hated them, I always envied the X-Men's codenames."

John scratched his chin. "Well the X-Men are actually what the postal workers at the dead letter office are called an no offense, but Adam, your powers deliver what spam e-mails promise."

"The E-Males?" Earl snickered.

"Sounds kinda sexist," Jenny frowned.

Jill sighed, "Now you sound like that obsessed Kitty girl."

"How about just individual names for now then?" John suggested.

Adam nodded. "All mutants get a codename, their mutant name, when their powers activate. It's part of our culture."

"Really? What's yours?" Jill asked curiously.

Adam shrugged. "My power just activated a couple of hours ago and since it was harmless one I didn't have any names that would fit ready."

Jenny smiled. "Well since I affect fat content and breast size I'll go by... Baywatch."

"That works," Adam said as everyone stood there stunned. "It's either that or Silicone."

Jill grinned. "If we're using TV show names I'll go by Nip-Tuck."

Earl grinned. "I could go by Earl then, but that wouldn't be any fun. I detect and activate mutant abilities, I'll go by Beach Head."

Everyone just looked at him until Jenny blushed and smacked him in the arm.

"Sorry, got a bit distracted by other thoughts there," Earl said making everyone snicker. "I shall go by... Switch."

"That works," Adam agreed. "Any idea for my codename, preferably something that won't make people laugh?"

Earl shook his head. "Now all I can think of is names that would make people laugh and some really complex ones like calling you Bag-man, because of the first Austin Powers movie."

"That's pretty good," Adam snickered, getting the joke.

"Amen," Jill tried "like the end of a prayer because you've answered so many of them."

"And your name is Adam, so it fits that too," Jenny added.

"Amen it is," Adam agreed, happy for any name that didn't make reference to his mutant power. He'd been more afraid he'd end up with a name like 'Blue Balls'.

John asked hopefully, "Do I have to have a mutant ability to get a codename?"

"Nah, and it'll help you fit in with mutant society," Adam said.

"Then I choose Coney!" John said proudly.

At everyone's confused looks he grinned, "because thanks to Amen I now have a footlong!"

Typing by: Stephenopolos

TN: should be Corny not Coney...

AN: I believe I was drinking when I wrote this.