Accompanying soundtrack: Blacklisted Me – "Reprobate Romance"
It was Tilly, who'd walked into the bar with George, Callum and Esther. Jen was speechless, and a wave of fear and anxiety rushed throughout her body. At this point she was grateful she was half facing the wall, as she turned fully out of sight and slumped down in her chair, dropping her head, "fuck, fuck, fuck", nervously playing with her bracelets hoping that H would get back soon. Her heart was beating at a million times an hour.
Jen could see the newly arrived foursome head to the bar out of the corner of her eye, whilst at the same time she could see H confidently striding back from the direction of the toilets.
"Wow, she is" H started, but before she could get any further Jen's now pale face interrupted.
"Can you see who's at the bar?" she said, roughly.
"What? What are you on about Jen, I was in the toilets with The Arse and", Jen cut her off abruptly.
"Shut the fuck up a minute H, and look who's at the fucking bar".
Startled by Jen's aggression she didn't attempt to reply and looked towards the bar.
"Is that…Tilly?" she exclaimed, looking perplexed.
Jen had her eyes closed and was trying to breathe. "I heard their voices first, I didn't look at them. They came in about five minutes ago. I think I'm having an actual heart attack. I can't deal with this, we have to get out of here." Stuttering over her words, she still had her eyes closed, and was visibly shaking.
"You'll hate me for saying this, but you need to face your demons, Jen. You said you were over her, and your reaction says otherwise."
"I am! Or at least I think I am. I don't know what to think. It's a shock. I haven't seen her in over a year and she hurt me so much. I don't want to have to deal with this right now! My way of managing it is to keep those awful memories under lock and key where they can't cause me any more pain." The anger was welling up inside Jen. "What the fuck is she doing here, H?" clenching her fists, eyes still firmly shut, fighting back tears. H put her hand on Jen's shoulder.
"Listen babe, why do you care? Shit happens, we bump into exes. She probably doesn't give a crap about you anymore, so why does it matter? She's old news. You're a better, stronger person than she'll ever be."
Jen finally opened her eyes, "Please, H, can we just go? I can't do this now."
Across the bar George had managed to spot H and Jen at their table. At first he wasn't sure it was them, as he'd only met Helen two or three times, but he caught a better glimpse of Jen and was quite certain. Unsure how to broach the subject, George just came straight out with it.
"Tilly…. I think, " he paused for a short while, "I think that's Jen over there."
"What!?" said Tilly, shocked, wondering if she'd heard him correctly. Callum and Esther were both listening, Esther particularly taken aback. She'd never outright blamed Jen for not stopping her that night she took an overdose, but she hated the fact that Tilly and Jen had enjoyed such a powerful emotional and sexual relationship, and that she felt like she would always be a second best when put up for comparison against Jen.
George pointed towards where Jen and Helen were. Tilly looked over, hoping he was seriously mistaken, and was crestfallen when he wasn't.
"Oh shit", she said chewing on her thumb nail. "Does she know we're here? Have you seen her looking over?"
"I've not seen Jen look over, but Helen looked over yeah. And the two of them seem to have been having a slightly heated discussion since then. So I'm pretty sure she knows we're here."
Tilly knew that to just leave would be the cowards way out. The last time she'd seen Jen, she was being escorted out of Diane's by two policemen. And no matter what her reasoning, she felt guilty that she'd been quite as cruel as she had.
"Guys, I need to go and do this, can you give me a few minutes."
Callum, Esther and George nodded, and hung back at the bar whilst Tilly walked towards Jen and Helen.
Jen picked up her phone and stood up, and as she turned around Tilly arrived behind her. Jen stared at Tilly, not knowing what to say or do.
The silence was uncomfortable an awkward.
"Hi," Tilly eventually broke the silence. Jen continued to stand motionless, heart thumping in her ears, pulse racing and palms sweating. H stayed where she was, not wanting to interfere in such a complicated and tense moment.
"George saw you from the bar, and I thought maybe I should come over and say hello."
Jen still said nothing.
"Do you hate me?" said Tilly quietly.
"It'd make things a hell of a lot easier", Jen eventually forced a reply.
Tilly sensed the anger and felt a little ashamed, knowing that she was the cause. She suspected it'd be almost impossible to exit this situation positively.
"How are you Jen? It's good to see you," she said, her voice tinged with contrition.
Jen's mouth was dry and her head was swimming. She couldn't look Tilly in the eyes.
"I… it's not a good time right now…. I have to go", Jen said, stumbling back slightly, catching her arm on a chair, before spinning round and quickly heading out of the door. Tilly considered following but H put up her hand to stop her, before running out after Jen.
Jen did one of those things you should never do when you're distraught – she separated herself from everyone. Running out of the pub she just wanted to be completely alone, and so she kept running until she was sure she was far enough away for H to not be able to find her. Not straight away anyway.
She stopped to rest against a wall and catch her breath. Struggling to breathe she clamped her eyes shut in an attempt to stall the tears, but they slowly found their way out and rolled down her cheeks. Jen opened her eyes again and stared at the lights from the passing cars through a blur. Her head was swimming and she was struggling to think about anything that made sense.
As she was leaning on the wall outside, breathing heavily, tears rolling down her cheeks, H eventually found her, and hurried over and gave her a strong hug, wrapping her arms completely round, trying to squeeze the pain away.