Accompanying soundtrack: Empire Of The Sun – "We are the people"
They both sat down on the sofa, and started to eat their lunch. Jen purposely took longer than usual to eat hers, worrying what she was going to do when they'd finished eating. Everything felt tense and uncomfortable. Sensing the thick air, Tilly picked up the remote and turned on the TV quietly, partially to break the silence, but also hoping for an entry point into a conversation.
"So you're with Esther now?" Jen said weakly, knowing the answer already.
"Yeah. After the whole, y'know, suicide thing I felt drawn to her. Not romantically as such, but more out of a sense of obligation and guilt. I'd not been there to support her and the only way I could make that better was to become her guidance and protection. She went through so much, and I – we were partially responsible."
Jen saw the pang of guilt in Tilly's eyes and instantly felt it herself.
"I hated that she tried to take her own life and I could have intervened, and I'll never be able to change that. But is it fair though? On you I mean? You're not with her for the right reasons." Jen was on uncertain ground, and wasn't really sure why she said it. Throughout her demeanour remained solemn.
"It's funny," Jen continued, "because Esther is so different to… to me. You… You're confident and out-going, and sure of yourself, and you relish the chance to be up against someone who is your equal, who can bring out your spontaneity. I don't see Esther is any of those things. I'm surprised, but then again I guess I'm not really if you want her to feel safe."
"She loves me." Tilly replied bluntly. "She's always loved me since we met in Abersoch. Well, maybe infatuation at first, but she fell for me and I never gave her a chance. So now I'm giving her the chance. And I love her too."
Tilly's body language betrayed her words, and Jen could see that Tilly lacked conviction with what she said. She wanted to push further but stopped.
They sat in silence for a moment.
Jen was reluctant to say anything else - she wanted to make sure that she didn't misread anything and push too hard. Too many times she'd made that error, and she still didn't really know what Tilly had still wanted to discuss.
Tilly finally spoke, her voice hushed and soft, "You know though, don't you? You can tell it's the not the same with her as it was with you. I've tried to love her with all my heart but…I'm not whole with her. She's not 'The One' ."
Listening to the words, Jen began to panic inside, her heart racing and a pounding in her ears. She fixated on the screen, almost petrified, as Tilly slowly began to brush Jen's arm, slowly running her fingers up and down. She took Jen's hands and traced lines on her palm, eventually clasping the hand between both of hers. She turned her head towards Jen, who was still staring straight at the TV. Jen was completely confused at the complete direction change.
Tilly could see Jen gently bite her lip and swallow with nervousness. At this point Tilly started to kiss Jen's neck, and continued to place small pecks on her skin, moving her head up to eventually catch Jen's eyes, whilst gently placing a finger onto her cheek and brushing her fringe out of the way. Jen continued to look slightly down, not holding Tilly's gaze, almost as if she was waiting for permission for something. And as Tilly moved her face closer they rubbed noses, and Jen smiled for the first time, acknowledging the impending kiss.
They kissed, slowly at first, lips lingering and brushing together, hands touching each-others' faces, still soft and passionate, slowly entwining into an embrace, until Jen sank back into the sofa with Tilly half-lying on top of her.
To Jen, the kissing felt like a relaxing and comfortable place, one where they'd been so many times in the past, mixed with pleasure, painful memories and nerves. The butterflies tumbled in her stomach and she wanted to grab on to Tilly tightly.
Tilly gently broke the kiss and looked into Jen's eyes, smiling at her with a mixture of intimacy and lust. She slowly stood up and taking Jen's hand pulled her up onto her feet and led her to the bedroom. As she went through the door, Tilly turned to face Jen and stepped backwards, sitting herself on the bed, gently pulling Jen forward to her. And as Jen stood in front of her, Tilly began to slowly remove Jen's top, dropping it onto the floor. Tilly touched Jen's stomach, running her hands slowly up and down her torso, looking up into her eyes, and then running fingers down her bra strap and over her hardening nipples underneath. Tilly kissed Jen's stomach, and Jen shut her eyes and let her head fall backwards a little whilst she welcomed the warm kisses which rained down on her. Opening her eyes again, Jen softly ran her hands down Tilly's sides, finding the hem of her shirt, and gently lifting it up over her head. Tilly's hands wandered to Jen's back, and she carefully pulled her down onto the bed with her.
They continued to kiss; it was soft and romantic and there was no urgency, just a sense of belonging and completeness. The two, lying side by side, tenderly caressing each other, hands exploring, shaking, smiling, giggling, quiet moans, kissing, stroking, slowly allowing the passions and sensations to build, occasionally stopping to breathe in each other. It was a depth of connection that can only exist through genuine love.
Tilly planted a line of small kisses down the front of Jen, running from her chin to her belly button. She could feel and hear Jen's heart beating faster the further down she got. Turning her attention to Jen's breasts, she took one on her mouth and slowly let her tongue run all over the nipple, gently kneading the other one, all the while pressing her thigh more fervently into Jen's groin, feeling her moistness, Jen quietly whimpering throughout.
Tilly continued her kisses down Jen's body, and once between her legs, she quickly kissed and licked all over her inner thighs. She reached underneath to grab Jen's arse with both hands, and slightly elevated her to give her better access. Jen moved her legs over Tilly's shoulders. Slowly she started to lick Jen's already glistening slit, tasting and inhaling at the same time, and Jen gave a little shiver, pushing herself slightly forward to encourage Tilly in further. Softly and slowly she traced small circles with her tongue until she finally pushed her tongue in deep, working her tongue in and out of her lover, while reaching up and massaging her breasts. Jen had craved Tilly's touch so much, wished for this moment again in her dreams, she couldn't hold back and allowed the warm sensation to spread throughout her body and take over her completely. Tilly placed soft kisses all over Jen, while she worked her way back up to her waiting mouth. Tilly planted a final deep kiss and then held her tight while stroking her hair.
"I love you", said Jen, looking into Tilly's eyes and fixing her glaze. "I never stopped, even after all we went through; Esther, the police, my job, and countless telling me it was a bad idea. I couldn't not".
Post-sex confessions weren't always the best idea Jen though, but after the most intimate time she could have hoped to spend with Tilly, her emotions were raw and unchained. She stopped, dropped her head slightly, a little with embarrassment, a little because she didn't know what to say next.
"Jen", Tilly started, clamping both hands round Jen's face, wanting to keep their eyes locked on each other. "Since the first time I saw you I was captivated by you. The confidence you exuded, bold and forthright with your opinions. Standing by your car and chatting me up, cool as you like. When there were no boundaries, no college, no student-teacher relationships, and nothing to worry about". Tilly could feel her voice crumbling as she realised the truth was tumbling out of her. "And it all went wrong when others got in the way – when reality got in the way. And I handled things badly. Really fucking badly, and I'm really hoping you can forgive me for that". She stopped to breathe. Jen stayed silent.
"You're smart, and beautiful, and you were…. You are the best thing I've ever had in my life. I don't have any excuses. And… and it'd be lame of me to try and come up with any," and with that Tilly fell silent again.
"We're both to blame for the actions of the past – the way we treated each other was thoughtless", said Jen quietly. "I let my fears around our relationship affect the way I was with you because I was scared the truth would get out and ruin everything. In the end, my desire to keep the truth hidden ruined everything anyway. And you", she continued, frowning slightly, "did the worst thing I could possibly imagine – you made us public to purposely ruin my career. We've both been complete fuck ups."
Tilly was taken aback by Jen's brutality, but Jen didn't give her time to come up with a response.
"But… I've learnt a lot about forgiveness in these last couple of years. I never realised just how much better it can make things. Holding a grudge just eats at the soul and never made me feel anything good. But at the same time forgiveness is a bloody long path."
Jen looked at Tilly, Almost not looking at her, but looking through her, desperately trying to think things through in her head. Eventually she raised her eyes to Tilly.
"I need to know…", Jen said, sounding vulnerable, "I need to know this is what you want - that you're strong enough to go through this with me. The past is the past, and I can put that aside, but if you cannot take this journey with me wholeheartedly then we have no future. I've spent time with others after you, but no-one compares. I'd put you on a pedestal, which was self-sabotage really because no-one could even come close. But that chapter MUST close if you're not fully in to this. I'm at an emotional crux, and there are only two directions – one of which includes you, the other will cut you out of my life forever."
Jen closed her eyes to pause, she could feel the tears starting to well in the corners of her eyes, knowing that an ultimatum like this was the very level of finality, and that whilst she had the decision to make in the end, this was entirely dependent on Tilly's desire to be part of it – or not.
"This poses us a bit of a problem?"
"Well, I guess that depends what you want to happen – if anything - after this."
"I'm with Esther. I mean, it's complicated - I can't just leave her," Tilly's face was filled with sadness.
"I've got a girlfriend too," Jen replied, slightly embellishing the nature of her relationship with Jess, "But it's quite obvious there's still something between us, because if there wasn't then this wouldn't have happened," and she shrugged her shoulders.
The brutal starkness of the situation didn't provide an obvious solution.
"Listen," Jen opened, "Lets have a few days to think about things and try and work out if this is something we genuinely want to try again. Then we'll know if we need to start hurting people. There's no point if we can't genuinely commit to this thing." She smiled, ruefully at Tilly, and started to get dressed.
She walked towards the door, stopping as she opened it she turned to Tilly and put her heart on the line.
"If you want it, I'm in," and she left Tilly to make her decision.