Accompanying Soundtrack: Chicane – "Don't Give Up"
As Jen walked away from Tilly's she felt bemused. That had taken a turn she hadn't expected, and she still wasn't entirely sure how it happened. But she also didn't feel how she thought she would. The uncertainty that remained was a troubling thought. The Irony was that Jen didn't need a couple of days. She didn't even need a single day. The second their lips had touched again she knew.
She stopped and looked at her reflection in a window. Through the image of herself, she could do little more than start to wonder if the issue of Esther might prove too much of an obstacle for Tilly to overcome. The history of their relationship wasn't bonded in love like her and Tilly were, it was borne out of overcoming adversity and, in Jen's opinion, misplaced obligation.
Transfixed on nothing in particular, Jen gaze remained fixed towards the window until she felt a hand on her shoulder and a voice saying something her brain hadn't quite picked up yet.
"Jen!" the voice repeated a little more forcefully, and Jen turned to see H was standing behind her with another woman.
"What are you doing staring into this window love? I was calling your name from over the road."
Jen looked confused for a second until she came fully back from her thoughts.
"Something caught my eye in the window and the I er… it just started thinking me about some other stuff." Jen looked at H's companion.
"This is Fran," H said, with the slightest of pauses whilst her brain fumbled to remember the name of the girl. Jen smiled, picking up on it and seeing an opportunity to tease.
"Hi Fran. What are you doing out with this reprobate?" she said, smirking.
"We're just about to go back to hers and fuck – if I've read the signs right," and Fran ran her hand down H's back and settled on her buttocks.
H coughed slightly, taken aback by the overt bluntness of the response, but eyes instantly filled with lust.
"We need to go," she said, "I'll call you later, and H grabbed Fran's hand and hurried off in the direction of home.
"She makes it all seem so simple, and it's sooo bloody not," muttered Jen to herself. She could really have done with sounding out H about the whole Tilly thing, but she suspected that H would probably have gone apeshit. Jen didn't have anything straight in her head and probably wouldn't for a while. She headed back home hoping at some point this would all figure itself out soon.
Jen stood in the shower, lost in her thoughts, letting the water cascade over her head as she considered her predicament. She steadied herself on the wall and shut her eyes. Nothing felt any clearer, just warmer.
As she towelled off Jen noticed her phone flashing on the cabinet by the bathroom window. She picked it up and looked at the message, and was surprised to see it was Tilly. Automatically assuming the worst she shut the screen without reading it, thinking it would be impossible for Tilly to have made her mind up already, and she threw the phone back onto the windowsill.
She kept staring at the flashing light and made it through about a minute before she was compelled to look at the message.
"Can we meet again?"
'Suitably none-committal from Tilly', Jen thought. The chance that she was going to hear something she didn't want to made her want to conduct their next meeting on her turf, where she might feel more comfortable.
"Sure. You can come to mine, I'm free?" and she give Tilly her address.
Jen panicked again, and started to get dressed, wanting to look the best that she could without it being too obvious she was making the effort. It was more of a 'middle-finger' technique in case this was about to go pear-shaped, and Jen wanted to feel good about herself no matter what happened.
It was around a half hour before Jen heard a knock at the door, and she hurried to open it. As expected it was Tilly, and she invited her in. She'd prepared some coffee and led her into the kitchen.
"Coffee?" Jen asked nervously.
"Thanks," said Tilly, sitting herself by the table.
Nobody said anything whilst Jen made the drinks, until she finally placed the drinks onto the table and sat down herself, wrapping her hands round the warm cup. Tilly took a sip in preparation for what she was about to say.
"I'd love to be able to make a clean break of this with you, but I can't do this to Esther. I just don't know how to handle this with her." Her face looked drawn and pale.
"But I want so much to be with you," she said, taking Jen's hand in hers. Jen closed her eyes and swallowed at the words, feeling her anxiety swell at the thought of being so close but still completely out of reach.
Tilly saw the reaction in Jen's eyes and couldn't bear the thought of not being with her.
"I'm going to suggest something which goes against the very fabric of my being," and she stopped momentarily to take a breath.
"I can't be without you, but at I can't leave Esther yet, so…." she swallowed," Can I see you both?" She didn't really feel comfortable with what she was temporarily suggesting, but she could see no alternative.
"Both?" repeated Jen, questioningly.
"Yes. Both." Tilly looked deadly serious. "I can't believe I'm suggesting it really, as I would never want a relationship to be conducted under the cover of deceit but…" she looked straight at Jen, and with slightly watery eyes, "…you are truthfully everything I've ever wanted. And I know that a different time and in a different place than Hollyoaks… we could really work. The barriers that were once so difficult to scale are now almost all removed. No boundaries, no limits."
"Except one, obviously." Jen felt uneasy with Tilly's suggestion.
"Tilly, if she finds out we're seeing each other it'll be worse than you just breaking up with her surely?"
"Jen, hear me out. This would be a way to make absolutely certain that we want to be together and we can make it work, whilst giving me some time to gently withdraw from Esther."
"So you're hedging your bets?" Jen looked slightly annoyed
"No, no, that's not what I meant. It didn't come across very well. I know being with Esther isn't the right thing for me. She just doesn't ignite a passion in me – I don't feel for her how she feels for me. And it's not right that I stay with her and deny her the chance of finding someone who truly can love her. So she can find… her Jen." Tilly's emotions were laid bare, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
Jen smiled, realising how hard it must be for Tilly to deal with her conflicted feelings, and the potential guilt this could create.
"OK. I'll go with it – on one condition."
Tilly smiled. "Yes?"
"Whilst you're still with Esther, we're not exclusive."
Tilly was a little stunned. "You want to sleep with other people?"
"No! Well.. yes… sort of. I can't be the jealous lover sitting at home waiting for you to let me know if you're free. It won't work because the balance will be wrong. We need to be on an equal footing to start with, and whilst I'm not going out to specifically search for anyone, I'm not going to turn someone down if an opportunity should come around, until we're properly back together… just us. So if you're free sometimes and I'm not, then that's how it'll be. I think that's only fair. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"
Tilly nodded, a little reticently.
"This isn't about tit for tat," said Jen, rubbing Tilly's hand, "don't consider this as such. It's more about getting to know each other again, building up the relationship, developing anticipation, and being honest on the way back to the old 'us' that worked so well. And having some really, REALLY good sex too, of course," and Jen smiled, raising an eyebrow, with a twinkle in her eyes.
She continued, "Let's make a date – do this properly. I'd like to take you out for a meal, when would you like to do that?"
Tilly thought for a while and realised that she already had some plans with Esther through the week, and for Saturday evening.
Jen looked at her, "It's OK if you are seeing Esther, I'll just work round it, don't worry. I've got other things I can be doing when you're busy." Jen almost said 'people' instead of 'things', meaning Jess, but she didn't want to make Tilly's thoughts any more complicated.
Tilly looked relieved. She'd given herself away with her hesitancy, and still wasn't sure how on earth she was going to manage them both successfully, even if it was just in the short term.
"Friday – I'm free Friday," said Tilly.
"Cool, it's a date," replied Jen, smiling. "I'll pick you up at 6 on Friday then."
"I'm looking forward to it," Tilly smiled back at Jen, only to be interrupted by her phone.
"It's Esther," she sighed.
"Listen, why don't you head off and you can take your call in peace. I don't need to hear that. I'll see you Friday, OK?"
"Until Friday," and Tilly placed a soft peck on Jen's lips before answering her call and heading out of the door.