Accompanying Soundtrack: Pom Pom – "In The Dark"
Jen woke the next day in an unfamiliar bed to a familiar face. Glancing at her watch, it was gone 10. Looking over at Tilly she still felt it was almost like a dream but the weight of the task at hand hung heavy. Jen didn't' regret last night at all, her response had been animalistic to say the least, but it would have made this much less awkward, and the task of today so much harder. Many times she'd wished for this to happen again, and even though it'd been so long, Jen still loved her so deeply. She smiled from ear to ear and watched the gently breathing figure next to her for some while, until Tilly started to stir. Tilly smiled over at Jen and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. Jen let her, but then quickly got out of the bed, knowing that she had to be firm in her resolve to not be with Tilly until Tilly could be wholly with her.
"What's the rush? Get back in" said Tilly, smiling over, patting the bed with an obvious glint in her eye.
"Look Tilly…" started Jen, sheepishly as she started to get dressed, "You know I'm…. I'm seeing someone and… you're still seeing Esther…look, this whole thing wasn't a good idea, and I wanted to say something last night … I got caught up in the moment and the memories and…" her words trailed off.
Tilly stared at Jen, saying nothing. In her head she was angry, but not with Jen, at herself. She knew there was a risk, after seeing Jen out the other night, that this dual-running of relationships was going to probably backfire, and now it was. Tilly was determined to try and put on a brave face and not show Jen just how much she was disappointed, but to try and talk her round in a practical way.
"Jen, we've talked about this – I can't just dump Esther after everything she's been through. She'll fall apart – she might even try to take her life again! I couldn't be so cruel."
"Tilly, I know we've talked about this, and I completely recognise the issues there are with Esther – I'm not a monster! But I can't be waiting on your beck and call. I can't be trying to juggle both of you, it's not fair to Jess, and it's not fair to me. You know I'm seeing Jess too, but when I saw you and I remembered how the earth moves when we get together, I couldn't resist. And boy it sure did move – you've honed your skills, girl!" A moment of brevity lifted the mood, but it didn't remain up for long.
"And that was OK, because Jess and I aren't 'defined' yet," She used her fingers to make air quotes, "and I knew I could handle you and Jess at the same time, but Esther… that's what I can't handle. My conscience speaks out for Esther. It kills me to do this but I won't share you, so until you're done with Esther, I can't see you again."
Tilly smiled, half confused by the compliment, but then her face fell, struggling with the guilt that was washing over her more and more. She hadn't expected this at all, it came completely from left field as she thought they had an understanding. Slowly the realisation was that she was going to have to make a choice, and the choice – whatever she picked, was going to be sweet and sour. Sensing Tilly's unease, Jen finished dressing, and knowing the time she weaved in her exit strategy.
"What time is it? I've got to be at H's for 11", she said, before looking at her watch. "Shit, it's 10.30 already… can I use your bathroom?" She jumped up and headed to the bathroom without waiting for Tilly to nod in acknowledgement. Once she'd closed the door, Jen walked over to the sink, placed her hands either side and with hunched shoulders looked at herself in the mirror. Sighing, she hung her head and closed her eyes for a minute. She reopened her eyes, took a deep breath, and composed herself, whilst trying to make herself look less like this was taking an emotional toll on her. Taking another deep breath she opened the bathroom door, and headed straight back to the bedroom, where Tilly was now also fully dressed and sitting solemnly on the edge of the bed. Jen wasn't prepared to give her a chance to talk her out of her decision.
"What's the best way to get back into town from here, Tills?" Jen wanted to keep it as friendly as possible, and was desperate to hide her awkwardness about the whole thing.
"There's an 83 that goes right past the front reasonably frequently. I… er… are you sure I can't offer you any breakfast Jen?" She felt like an idiot, and couldn't bear to broach the subject just that second, and she was desperately hoping that Jen would stay for just a little longer and she'd figure out what to say.
"No thanks love, if I'm late for H she'll wonder what I've been up to!" Tilly hadn't been expecting an emotional rollercoaster, and Jen seemed quite together, which completely threw her. Jen looked surprisingly OK which was quite the reverse of how Tilly herself was feeling. In fact a heady mix of guilt and heartache was tearing Tilly apart inside, and she wasn't doing the best job of keeping it buried.
Jen leant in and gave Tilly a soft but short kiss on the lips, She placed her hands onto Tilly's face and quietly uttered "If you can sort your head and your shit out and do the decent thing to leave Esther – And you can do it before Jess and I decide to get serious, then you know where I am," and she squeezed Tilly's hands for a moment before she headed for the door and out. Tilly stood, watched her leave, and tried to work out what just happened.
Jen was stood leaning on the other side of the closed door, breathing deeply, trying to fight back the tears. She'd decided that turning herself into H for 5 minutes – acting like she was perfectly OK with everything, was going to be the easiest way of getting out with her dignity. After a minute she headed down the stairs and started along the road on her way back in to town. With a heavy heart she replayed the last half hour over in her head. She didn't look back. She couldn't look back, but If she had have done, she's have seen Tilly watching her leave from the window, tears streaming down her face, mortified at the situation in which she found herself.
"Tilly?" the gentle voice from behind her sounded out, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Who was that? The voice sounded familiar but I can't quite place it yet." Tilly turned to see George, and he gasped a little when he saw her tears.
"It was no-one", she replied, defensively, knowing the last thing she needed was someone finding out about this. She had no idea what she was going to do, and everything was a massive mess. She shook the funk from her head and changed the subject.
"I wasn't expecting you back just yet. You were staying over with Stefan?"
"Yeah, but he had something to do," and he waved his hands around agitatedly to signify a non-descript 'thing' which he had no interest in. However, George wasn't fooled by Tillys less than subtle attempt at misdirection.
"Is there something we need to have a chat about, sweet?" and he looked at Tilly with serious but honest eyes, hoping that she could tell him what the problem was.
She breathed out deeply, and made a vague attempt to clear her throat, before forcing herself to swallow. She arched her eyebrows slightly before uttering quietly, "It was Jen."
"Jen?" George repeated with confusion, checking he'd heard clearly.
"Yeah," Tilly sighed, "Jen."
"Tilly, I don't understand. Why was Jen here?" he pursed his lips, frowning, trying to work out what Tilly was saying to him. She rubbed her hands over her face, and she rested herself against the wall.
"She was here…. I was… shit." She stopped to compose herself as best she could. "We've been sort of seeing each other. Well, we've slept with each other a few times these last couple of weeks," Tilly's eyes searched fervently for George's response.
"Wait, what? You've been seeing her?" He looked furious, and it could have been for a number of reasons. "Please tell me you're joking," he said taking Tilly's hand with both of his, a stunned face peering back at her. "Tilly?"
"I'm not joking," she said with a muted reply, a chill now creeping through her body as she realised the secret was out. "After that night we bumped into her in the pub, and she ran out crying… well I didn't know what to do really. I felt guilty if I'm honest, really guilty, but I couldn't go running after her because Esther was with us, and that would have seemed weird." She paused; George was frowning, but listening intently.
"I contacted her through her friend Helen, and I convinced her to meet up with me to clear the air. It wasn't my intention that we'd do anything other than talk, but there was still some very obvious chemistry between us and we ended up…" she tapped nervously her fingers, struggling to vocalise the words, and with a small sigh, "having sex… and realising there was still chemistry then we ended up going on some dates…." Her face was pale and sad, wondering what George was going to say next. She had feared this moment, where she no longer had control over what was happening, and she had no idea what she was going to do. George was shaking his head in disbelief.
"Tilly! Do you remember what you went through with her last time. And…" he stopped, eyes darting and searching as the realisation came flooding through "…Esther. You're with Esther, how can you have been seeing Jen?". Tilly looked sheepish and tried not to make eye contact, dropping her head slightly.
"I….. I wasn't thinking. The old feelings, they came flooding back," and she grabbed Georges arms with both of hers, shaking them slightly. "I would never want to hurt Esther, but we have such a completely different relationship to the one I had with Jen… it's hard to cast aside such chemistry."
"I didn't honestly think you'd be so shallow!" George spat back. "You're one of the most moral people I know. Thought I knew!" George turned to leave, and Tilly grabbed firmly on to one of his arms to pull him back.
"George please…." Tilly didn't want beg but felt she might have no options, "it was a mistake… and I'm going to come clean to Esther about the whole thing, and deal with the consequences… whatever they are."
She could feel tears welling in her eyes again, but the problem was she wasn't sure they were for Esther. The fact her and Jen had been discovered was less painful than Jen having walked out on her again, and in a way George hearing Jen's voice was a relief, because it forced her hand.
"Please give me a chance to talk to Esther before you say anything, George. I owe it to her to be honest, and she needs to hear it from me." George hesitated before he grudgingly nodded his consent.