[NB. I'm not massively happy with this chapter, but I wanted to get something out]
Accompanying soundtrack: Depeche Mode – "A pain that I'm used to"
Tilly genuinely had no idea how she was going to do this. Her heart in her chest felt crushed and she felt short of breath. She leant against a wall, thoughts racing through her brain. She'd never seen Jen so positively confident and resolute in her actions. The last time at Hollyoaks when Jen had encountered Tilly it was a completely different situation, and Jen was defensive and guarded, hiding secrets and fearful of what might happen. This time things couldn't have been more opposite. Jen was open and blatantly honest, with a clear idea of exactly what she wanted whilst being pragmatically optimistic about the chances of her getting it.
Despite that, it had still been a hugely difficult thing for Jen to do to walk away from Tilly without any surety they would ever reconcile, but she firmly believed that if they were supposed to be together then Tilly would move heaven and earth to make that happen. No story she'd ever read, nor film she'd ever seen every really provided an easy route to happiness, and it seemed this wouldn't be much different, although Jen would like to believe she was a significant distance down this pathway now. Despite the angst in her brain, she knew that H would provide her will some clarity.
"Why do I do this to myself, H?" Jen pined, head bent over her coffee with the heat steaming up her glasses. She looked over the top of them enquiringly, eyebrows raised in frustration, hoping H would have a pearl of wisdom.
"Because you're a fucking idiot", H graciously replied. "But you're my idiot, and I love you, and it was the right thing to do."
"Not quite the response I was looking for, H", Jen now with her head to one side, resting it on her right hand, fingers toying with her hair.
"What do you want me to say Gilmore? You're not over her, you met up, you fucked, you thought you could re-kindle it but it's not right and she's STILL got a girlfriend. She's old news. You should never return to a lit firework." Realising that might have been a bit harsh, H softened her approach. "Look babe, I love you right, so I'm taking the blunt approach 'cos you did the right thing, and I'm just trying to make you see sense."
"But she was so in to it - just as much as I was! I mean new stuff, really intimate stuff," she blew her cheeks out at the thought of their liaison in the rain, "She never tried to stop me, in fact she bloody well encouraged it." Jen tried to work through it outloud. "She shouldn't have done knowing she wasn't single." Jen frowned with annoyance.
"Babe", H said to Jen, resting her hand on her shoulder, "It was sex. Really hot sex. You two know what each other like so it was easy for it to be great. But that was all it was. Sex. You fucked. You had a couple of dates. You can't give her anything else right now. Women can be just as shit as guys with this stuff you know. She read the signals, she knew exactly what she was doing – she knew you'd go back with her. But you're the one controlling this and she's not going to dictate what happens any more. If she can't dump Esther she's just toying with you and stringing you along."
"I hate you for being right", Jen grudgingly acknowledged sadly. "It was really, REALLY good sex though", and she smiled wryly at H.
Tilly was in quite the reverse mindframe, and she was struggling to understand why Jen had changed her mind and couldn't just have put up with her seeing Esther for a little while longer. The distance between Manchester and Chester didn't help for trying to engineer face to face discussions, and she knew this wasn't something she could deal with over the phone.
Tilly arranged for Esther to come over on the Friday evening, and she was dreading having to have the conversation, she knew it would be one of the hardest things to do, and the unpredictability of Esther's reaction was a completely unknown quantity. It was unfair to spend the whole weekend with her in seeming happiness and wait until Sunday to tell her and she was resolved to bring it up that evening. Tilly spent most of the afternoon pacing, looking at her watch and cleaning to try and pass this time. She'd asked George and Callum to be out so she could have privacy to talk to Esther. Callum didn't know the information George did, and so she'd told them both at the same time she wanted some alone time with Esther. A slight nod in George's direction had signalled to him the necessity of his compliance in the white lie.
When eventually she heard a knock on the door, her hands were trembling on the handle. It was easy enough to be self-assured when things were straightforward, but the huge amount of unknown just heaped on the pressure. As she opened the door she forced a smile. Esther smiled back but she looked agitated and wide-eyed.
"Hiya….. Are you Ok?" Tilly frowned as she noticed Esthers unease.
"No," the look on her face now showing worried, "Tom's gone missing. We've not heard from him all day and…" and her words tailed off and started to become incomprehensible as she sniffed and whimpered, blinking back the tears. Esther slumped into Tilly's arms, and Tilly closed her eyes and allowed and annoyed sigh to escape, realising that as much as she wanted to, she couldn't have 'the talk' to Esther tonight while she was in such an obvious state of distress.
"Why didn't you call me? You should have stayed with Frankie and Jack in Hollyoaks – family is more important at a time like this." Tilly tried her hard to sound sympathetic, but came across as perceptibly peeved, although Esther didn't appear to have noticed.
"I wanted to be here with you, to be safe. I can't do anything back home that isn't already being done."
The word jarred Tilly. The word irked Tilly. 'Safe'. Esther saw her as a safe haven, her place of sanctuary. The irony was incredible. Their relationship was wrong on many levels, and the taint of the dishonour with Jen made it a hundred times worse. The more Tilly thought about it the more she almost couldn't bear to have Esther there with her, but she had no choice, and a cold shiver ran through her.
Tilly sat on the sofa with Esther, arm around her shoulder to comfort her, offering the compassion any friend would. All her brain could think about was to speak the words. Esther was a tragic character and potentially no time was ever going to be the right time to bring up something like this.
They sat for several hours, watching TV but saying nothing, occasional sniffling otherwise breaking the silence, until Tilly heard the front door and George had returned, minus Callum who'd stayed out. The first thing George spotted Esther's obviously red eyes and he looked at Tilly with a wry smile.
"You told her then?" he said, aiming his words at Tilly. Tilly's face fell, and wild eyes fired, tried to signal to George to stop him. Esther raised her head off Tilly's shoulder and stared up at George.
"Told me what?" she quietly croaked.
George stared at her and then flicked his view to Tilly.
"You haven't told her?" he frowned, an accusatory tone to his voice.
Tilly was mortified, and wanted George to just shut the hell up, but by this point there was no chance of that happening.
"Tilly. You promised. It's not fair."
"George, now isn't the time," Tilly growled through gritted teeth, "Tom's gone missing".
"George, what are you talking about?" Esther fired back the question to George, picking up on the frosty atmosphere between the two of them.
"Tom's gone missing?" George hesitated. "Tilly, it's still not an excuse, tell her or I will," and he scowled at her with a fixed stare. Tilly thought George was being unnecessarily cruel, but he'd given her no alternative. She could feel Esthers eyes were boring into her.
"Shit," and she drew her hand to her mouth. "I slept with someone else. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't want to tell you today because of you saying Tom had gone missing.""
"What?" Esther looked visibly shaken and confused. "You slept with someone else? Are you serious? When…. Who?"
"A couple of weeks ago, and I owe you complete honesty… it was more than once." She stopped for a moment, a mist descending and the guilt gripping hold.
"I didn't intend for it to happen, and It hadn't been anything I'd thought about doing." Her face looked grey.
Esther looked at her in complete disbelief.
"Who?" Esther asked again, as if it would make a difference to her.
"It's not anyone you know. It's someone I met at Uni."
Tilly wasn't prepared to reveal that piece of information because she felt it could only make things worse, if that was possible. George watched the drama unfold between the two shook his head, unable to understand why Tilly wouldn't tell Esther it was Jen.
Esther had started sobbing again by now, and Tilly's heart fell at the pain she was causing. But the truth was out, and there was nothing could be done.
"Esther, our chemistry has always been based on friendship and for me, a little out of a need to protect you. But for me… that's not enough. I need genuine passion and heat, to love someone so completely that I can't breathe when they're not there. I love you, but… it's not enough for me. Together we're too.." she searched for a word which might seem less derogatory, and she finally came up with the word, "soft." It was a relief for Tilly to finally express the words, but she hated herself for having to do it in the first place.
"Soft? God, you're so self-centred!" Esther howled at her, rising from the couch and standing over Tilly. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. And you," She pointed frantically at George, "You knew! You knew about this! What the hell, you've both betrayed me!" Esther rolled her eyes and looked back at Tilly. Her head felt light as if she'd been breathing in fumes.
"I never thought you'd be so shallow." She fumbled out the angry words, " I trusted you. What is wrong with you Tilly, that you think it's OK to hurt me like this?" She was shouting quite agitatedly now.
"Esther, I never…" Tilly started, but George cut off before she could get far.
"Esther I only found out the other day and I insisted Tilly tell you as soon as possible. I promise I didn't know before that. I was a disgusted as you." His voice was pleading and repentant and he made a move to touch Esther on the shoulder but she moved away from him.
"Enough! I'm not hanging around to listen to this," and she started towards the door. Tilly grabbed for her arm and pulled her back.
"Esther don't leave like this, don't leave angry, we can talk about this and rationalise things." Esther roughly pulled her arm back and almost raised it at Tilly, but stopped herself.
"Fuck you!" and she walked out of the door.
"Shit!" Tilly said out loud. "Shit, shit, shit!"
"You've no-one to blame but yourself, Tilly. How did you expect her to react?"
She sighed.
"Exactly like that I suppose. She was never going to take it well, was she? I feel like such a shit."
"So you should!" and George turned and headed towards his room.
Tilly sat back down, punching the sofa again as she did. She felt like complete and utter shit, and she knew that Esther would never forgive her, and there was a good chance George wouldn't either, but despite all that it was still somehow cathartic.