Accompanying soundtrack: LadyHawke 'My Delerium'
The first thing Tilly did was to text Jen to tell her that the relationship with Esther was through. There were several other people Tilly should have text first, but Jen was at the forefront of her mind. With that done she knew she needed to try and mend some fences with Esther. Tilly knew that she was still fragile and couldn't risk her actions being responsible for pushing Esther over the edge again. Unsurprisingly Esther didn't answer her call, which made Tilly panic
When Jen received Tilly's text she was at H's watching a film. They'd taken the unusual step of staying in to watch a film because Jen pleaded for them not to have another night out. H grumpily agreed on the proviso that Jen bought the pizza and the drink.
"Fuck! She's done it!"
"Mmmh?" was all that H could manage from her slumped position on the sofa.
"She's told Esther!" and she swung her legs up from H's lap and dropped them on to the floor. "She's done it." Jen stared at H, wide-eyed, a gentle smile slowly creeping over her face.
"Marvellous," replied H, deadpan and facetious.
Jen looked at H. H looked back at her and sighed.
"Jen, you know I don't want to you to get back together with Tilly. I can't be happy about this. And I know you're not officially seeing Jess anyway, but I can tell she's pretty in to you. I don't know why you insist on dropping everything for Tilly when there are – in my opinion, much better options available."
"At no point did I say I was going to drop Jess for Tilly," Jen said quietly.
"But you are though, aren't you?" The pair we silent for a minute.
"H. I never stopped wanting her. The need got less and less over time, the reminders of her faded, but the lack of contact and the hurt could never outweigh the want. And I could plan a million things to do in my life, and be as focused as I could be, but love has an amazing habit of changing perspective. You're never going to understand that because you don't 'do' love. I don't want to not give this another chance and be forever wondering what it could have been. Tilly's the same age as Jess, yet we already have this enormous history stretching behind us."
"BEHIND you," H replied matter-of-factly. "As in 'The Past' - where it should be left." She wasn't going to be won over easily. "What did you say in your response to her text?"
"I haven't sent one yet." Jen's answer was a surprise.
"I would've thought you'd have sent one back in seconds, and then gone running out to see her." H was now clearly mocking.
"I wasn't expecting her to have done it so soon actually, it's taken me by surprise!"
"I sense hesitancy in your voice. Is there any chance at all you're going to see sense and not revisit old ground?" Jen shook her head. "Thought not."
"I am going to be a little more cautious though," Jen replied, surprisingly. "I'm worried about how Esther will have taken it. She vulnerable, and she's 17, and no matter how much my own personal feelings are jumping for joy right now, I hope it will never be at the expense of misery of another. Esther was the catalyst last time for the break up, and I accept I right royally fucked up how I handled that, including the fact I lied to Tilly. I want Tilly to know that if she needs to support Esther she can, but that I'm always going to have thoughts in the back of my head… Esther isn't just going to let her go so easily, surely? Their relationship is founded on such an impossibly deep emotional level it cannot just be severed with a single cleave." She fell silent.
"How can you be happy about this. There's too much drama and it just seems too hard work. Bloody teenagers. I wish you'd get involved with people your own age. There's less chance of this emotional teen angst bullshit, and of a half decent relationship will a well adjusted human adult."
"This insightful moral steer coming from the fucking sex addict?" Jen spat back.
"Alright, maybe that came out a bit harsh, but it feels like being back at school again, held hostage by childish threats to go running to the teacher." H immediately regretted her words.
"I need to go," and she grabbed her coat and headed for the door.
"Jen….!" H shouted after her but she didn't stop. "fuck's sake," H rubbing her face, and running through her hair with her hands in frustration.
Jen sat on the wall outside H's, not quite sure what just happened but still angry. In truth she was confused, and anxious that she could just be repeating the same mistake with Tilly, even though the circumstances were completely different, and MOST of the main causes from last time were no longer a factor, there was still Esther. And the possibility Tilly could have an attack of conscience at any time? She took her phone from her pocket and called the number.
"Hey."
"Hey you. Thought I better check in with you after that text you sent. How'd it go?" Jen wanted to pry in the most gentle way possible.
"I think there's a chance that having my eyes burned out with lasers would have been less painful. It's fair to say the best laid plans of mice and men went substantially awry. George got involved and there was a lot of collateral damage." Tilly's voice fell as she spoke.
"George got involved? How did George get involved in all this?"
"He saw you leave the other day. Or rather he heard you. Either way, he knew you were there and called me out on it to tell Esther."
"So he forced you to do it?" Jen was surprised by this information.
"In a way, yeah. He said either he told Esther, or I did." Tilly sighed.
"Right, so you're saying you wouldn't have told Esther yet if he hadn't have found out?"
"Well…. No. I mean, I was still working through how to do it and it was just a matter of right time and tight place, and then George sort of forced my hand. But then Esther said Tom had gone missing so I couldn't do it, but then George came home and blurted it out and it all got a bit messy." The words just dumped themselves out of Tilly's brain, imparting a lot of information in such a short space. Jen frowned as she listened.
"Wait, What….? Tom's missing, and it was George who told Esther you wanted to split up?"
"I'd planned to tell Esther tonight. But when she arrived she said Tom was missing and despite my best efforts she wouldn't go back to Hollyoaks and wanted to feel safe her with me. She I didn't tell her. But when George came back he thought I had, and…" she paused, shutting her eyes, "…well Esther went apeshit, shouted some and left." Tilly knew it sounded pretty crappy.
"You let her walk out in that state, are you mad? You know what she's like, she's unstable." There was a brief silence. "I mean she's vulnerable," Jen backtracked
"Don't you think I know that! I was the one who picked up the aftermath of the last 'unstable' fuck up." Tilly was annoyed at Jen sniping about Esther when it just wasn't necessary. No matter what Esther was, or had been, Tilly still loved her as a friend and wasn't going to stand for Jen badmouthing her.
"She walked out Jen, I couldn't stop her. And she's not answering her phone. You're right – she is vulnerable, and I feel responsible for this whole fucking mess. I need to go and try to find her."
"I'm sorry." Jen realised she'd overstepped the mark, and that Tilly being in a foul mood was just adding fuel to the fire. "I can come and help you search if you want," she said, sounding weak and tractable.
"I don't think that's a very good idea. She doesn't know it was you. I didn't want to hurt her any more than was absolutely necessary, so I told her I'd been seeing someone from Uni. It just seemed like the right thing to do. The end result was the same." Tilly stopped speaking, feeling guilty, not entirely sure how Jen would react to that admission.
"Listen, just see if there's anything you can do for Esther, and we'll chat about this whole mess once you've heard from her."
"Ok, speak to you later," and Tilly hung up.
Tilly felt like shit, and Jen didn't feel much better either. It was Friday night and she was sitting outside on a cold wall, on her own. She was annoyed at H for still being unsupportively Team Jess. Esther was still creating issues in one way or another and seemed to be a problem that would never go away, and Tilly… well, who knows what the situation was with her, because Jen felt that maybe Tilly wouldn't have done anything if George hadn't been involved. All she wanted was an easy life and no confusion, and right now it was just too damn complicated.
She took out her phone again, and turned to the only drama-free fun source she could think of.
"Hey you, let me know when your shift at the bar ends - I need a drink and the company of a good looking woman."