author's note: never before in my life have I reached over 400 reviews on a story, so thank you very much and you have no idea how happy this makes me! So thanks!

And shout out to me (Koraima), Carlet's bff, for posting this chapter while she's off partying in Canada! JK, she's not really partying, she's just internet less while in Canada. Ok, enough of my rambling, hope you enjoy her chapter!

Chapter 33

"So let me get this straight." Emma said, her eyes trained on the road in front of her as she drove at least twenty miles above the speed limit. "You came all the way to Boston to find me?

After leaving the stairwell, she'd hastily packed her things, realizing that she had to return to Storybrooke. She couldn't stand to be away from her family any longer.

"Yes, that I did." Killian replied. He was gripping the sides of his seat tightly, trying to hide the slight twinge of fear mounting in his chest. Did this death trap always have to go so fast? Years later, and he was still wishing for the slow, steady rock of his ship.

"Why?"

"I couldn't just stand by and let you live a lie, now could I?"

"It wasn't exactly a lie." Emma corrected. "Just...a shorter version of the truth."

"It was a lie." He insisted. "And besides," He continued, turning to look meaningfully at her. "I couldn't bear to live without you."

"But why wait several months then?"

"Well, Whale did say to let you believe what you did, and I was under the impression that you'd regain your memories fairly soon."

"But when I didn't…" Emma started.

"That's when I decided I had to come." He finished.

"Oh. How did you even get my address?"

"Mary Margaret." Killian said simply. "She told me everything I needed to know."

Oh. It all made sense now. "No wonder she was always grilling me for information." Emma realized. "It wasn't just her being overly curious."

"She was trying to find out about your life for me." Killian answered. "Where you lived, what you were doing, who you were dating." He mumbled the last part.

Emma rolled her eyes. "And lucky for you I wasn't."

"Very lucky, indeed."

She stifled a snicker as she remembered Henry's desperate attempts to get her to remember just before she left. Poor kid. She owed him, and everyone else, a big apology. "Just one more question. If you came to help me regain my memories, why bring Ava? I mean, wouldn't it have been a lot easier to leave her with Mary Margaret and David?"

Ava. At the very mention of her daughter's name Emma's heart seized painfully in her chest. She couldn't believe she...no. She couldn't think about that right now.

"Because Ava needed her mother." He said softly. "As did I. The first few months after you left were difficult, Emma. She cried out nightly for you. It was all I could do to keep things together."

Emma remained silent, trying to ignore the surging guilt. "Oh." Her voice dropped. "I-I didn't realize."

"Of course you didn't." Killian said soothingly. "There was no way you could've known."

"Yeah." She said absently. "God. I'm so sorry."

"Why? You have nothing to be sorry for. It was that bastard's fault, not yours."

"Because. I freaking ruined your life. Everybody's life. You had to take care of Ava all on your own. I left Henry behind. And Ava…" She just shook her head. "What happened next?"

Killian sighed deeply. Why was she so stubborn? "Slowly, we started to adapt. I thought that maybe we'd just continue on with our lives until you came back. But then...Ava was starting to forget you."

Emma wasn't surprised. Ava had had no idea who she was when they first met in Boston. "Makes sense, I guess."

"She, uh, she mistook Tink for you. Quite amusing for a bit, but that's when I realized that we couldn't go on like that for any longer. So we came to find you." He finished.

She nodded curtly, her eyes on the road. She was clearly unhappy, but what about? Everything was back to normal. They were on their way home.

"I wonder how your parents are going to react." Killian mused.

"Yeah." Emma murmured. "I haven't told them yet, figured I'd surprise them. And Henry too."

"They'll be surprised, all right. And ecstatic. Ava too."

At the mention of Ava, Emma flinched, her lip trembling for a split second.

Of course.

"Ava doesn't hate you, you know." Killian looked at her, finding that her knuckles had gone white clutching the steering wheel. "Emma." He said loudly. "Say something."

"Like what?!" She snapped. "What am I supposed to say? Oh ok, that's cool. So Ava cried out for me every night for several months. At least I'm on my way back now. Everything's gonna be all right. Never mind the fact that I abandoned my daughter."

"It wasn't your fault." He said automatically.

She turned to look at him, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. "Was it?

Killian nodded emphatically. "It wasn't. You lose your memories due to some brain oxygen thing. Still confused about that. If anything, it was that bastard's fault for disrupting our lives."

"But she's my daughter." Emma insisted. "I should've felt something, anything. You know how it felt to leave Henry behind both times? It felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest. Or, well, worse than that I guess. But when I left Storybrooke I felt nothing. Nothing."

"You didn't know." He said softly. "You couldn't have known."

She didn't seem to heard him as she continued her rant. "I should've known that something like this would happen."

"What?"

"That I would fuck up Ava's life."

"Emma, no. You didn't fuck up her life. Did you see how happy she was?"

"Yeah? And did you see how badly she was crying? I abandoned her. I abandoned my own daughter. And I can never make it up to her. When she finds out that her amazing new friend Emma is the awful bitch who left her behind she's gonna hate me."

"You did the right thing, Swan. You saved my life. Not that I'd want you to do so again. But if you hadn't pushed me aside who knows what would've happened? I would've died. Or if I lost my memories…" Killian chuckled at the thought. "Well that wouldn't be pretty. So believe me. You did the right thing."

But one look at her tense posture and he knew that she wasn't believing a word he said.

Emma raised her fist and knocked once, twice, three times on the door. It was just around seven; who knew if they'd be home but it wouldn't hurt to check. She could hear voices coming from inside and music playing that suddenly stopped as footsteps approached. Looks like they were home.

She was surprised at how, well...nervous she was. Her heart was pounding and her palms sweated like crazy.

There was a hand on her back. Killian. He gave her a long look that conveyed his meaning better than words could. Relax. It's going to be all right.

The door swung open and then there she was. Mary Margaret, her head cocked to the side with surprise.

"Emma!" She exclaimed, drying her hands on a dish towel. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm happy to see you. Are you here for Henry?"

In response, Emma stepped forward and wordlessly wrapped her arms around her mother. "It's good to see you." She only hesitated before saying the next part. "Mom."

Mary Margaret pulled away, realization dawning as she took in what Emma just said. "Y-you remember?"

Emma nodded. "Yeah. Obviously."

David appeared behind Mary Margaret. "Emma?" He blinked. "Are you here to see Henry?"

"You can drop the act." She smiled knowingly, enjoying the surprise and joy that slowly filled his face as he took in her words. "I got my memories back."

He pulled her in for a hug and Mary Margaret wrapped her arms around both of the as Killian stood along the wall a distance away, giving them their privacy.

Despite her worries about Ava, Emma just let herself enjoy the moment in her parents' arms.

"Emma!" Ava exclaimed as she came bounding into the apartment; David having just picked her up from a playdate at a friend's house. "Hi." She walked over to where Emma was seated at the breakfast bar, a mug of hot cocoa before her.

"Hey." She said as David lifted Ava up onto the seat next to hers. He flashed Emma a reassuring smile before exiting again to Granny's where Mary Margaret was waiting.

"What you doing here?" Ava smiled widely, obviously pleased to see her.

"Well, um..." Emma began uncertainly. She looked up at Killian who stood behind Ava, and he gave her an encouraging nod. "I gotta tell you something. Its really important, so stop me if you don't understand, alright?"

"Okay."

Emma paused. How to begin? "Remember how you told me about your mother? How she..." She gulped. "Abandoned you?"

Ava shrugged as she bit into a cookie. "Yeah."

"Well, I, um..." Oh god. She couldn't do this. Emma started to back away, scooting off the stool but there was a hand on her arm. She looked up to find Killian standing above her, shaking his head.

You have to do this. He seemed to communicate through his stare.

He was right, of course. Emma sighed and settled herself back in her seat. "I'm your mother." She blurted, wincing instinctively as if expecting all hell to break lose, the roof to cave in, thunder booming, something. She held her breath, awaiting Ava's reaction.

"Okay." The little girl said simply.

Emma and Killian exchanged a confused glance. Maybe Ava didn't understand. "Ava." Emma said gently. "I'm your mother."

Ava shook her head. "No you're not. You're Emma."

"Yes, that's true. But I'm also your mommy."

Ava cocked her head, clearly confused. "My mommy left."

"I know. But now she's-I mean I'm back. I know I left you and your dad." Fresh tears stung in her eyes at the memory of leaving Killian and Ava behind. "But now I'm back."

Ava blinked. "Why did you leave?"

"I, um...lost my memories of the past several years. In an accident. Your dad found me in Boston so we could get to know each other again, though of course you had no idea who I was." God, even to Emma her words sounded forced. Fake. How was Ava expected to believe that? "The point is, I'm back now. And you have no idea how sorry I am about everything that happened. I never meant to leave you, to make you think that I didn't love you. I love you. So much."

Ava remained silent, impassive as she chewed on her cookie. Seconds passed, then minutes as she continued to eat.

Emma bit her lip and looked up at Killian who looked as conflicted as she felt. Finally, he shifted her stool away from the counter and knelt down in front of her.

"Ava, princess. Did you hear everything Mommy said? About how much she loves you?"

Ava shrugged. "Yeah."

"Well do you want to say something back to her?" He prompted hopefully.

In response, she yawned widely. "Daddy I'm tired."

"Oh, ok. No problem." Killian straightened. "It's been a long day. We'll continue this tomorrow. Do you want Mommy to take you home?" He turned and started to grab Ava's bag, obviously expecting her to reach out and take Emma's outstretched hand.

But she held out her arms to Killian. "Up, Daddy." She said, much like she used to do when she was younger.

Emma retracted her hand, sitting awkwardly on the stool, feeling hot, sick, and stupid as she watched Killian, who was equally stunned, set down Ava's bag and pick her up. He shot her an apologetic look and shrugged as he walked to the door.

He turned back to look at Emma, who was still rooted to the spot on the stool. "Coming?"

She shook her head stiffly. "Maybe in a bit. Gonna wait for Mary Margaret and David. Lot of catching up to do." But it was a thin lie.

"They could be out for hours." He protested. "Come on."

She shook her head. "No I'm good here."

Of course he didn't believe her. "Emma, love. It's alright, she'll come around."

"It's fine." Emma forced a smile. "Really."

"Swan…"

"Hook." She practically growled. "Just. Go."

He clearly didn't believe her but thankfully didn't push the issue. Turning to Ava, he asked, "Do you wanna say goodnight to Mommy?"

Emma felt her heart break further as Ava buried her head in Killian's shoulder and shook her head.

"Ava don't be like that." He started, nudging her with his prosthetic hand. He'd meant to put the hook back on during the ride to Storybrooke but never got around to it.

Ava proved to be Emma's daughter as she shook her head stubbornly again. "Wanna go home."

Killian sighed. Sorry. He mouthed as he closed the door behind him.

Emma continued to sit on the stool, unable to move. Unable to process what had happened. How could she be so stupid as to think that everything with Ava would be ok? Although she had only been abandoned for several months her facial expressions mirrored Emma's at, well, every year of her life actually. And technically Emma's living situations had been a lot worse.

God. I should've known. Emma groused. She'd known firsthand the pain of abandonment so it shouldn't come as a surprise that Ava was now icing her out. But it didn't make it hurt any less.

Shuffling over to the cabinet where she knew David kept the liquor away from Mary Margaret's disapproving eyes, she reached for the first bottle she found, hoping it was something strong as she filled a clear glass with the dark liquid and tossed it back, wincing at the taste.

Ava was clearly her daughter, all right. Thick headed and stubborn to the bone. But she couldn't blame her entirely. She couldn't just expect Ava to forgive her that easily.

So this is what my parents felt like. Emma mused as she poured herself another glass. Damn. That must've sucked.

How ironic, that she'd been abandoned by her own parents only to turn around and abandon her own kid. Both of them, actually. Granted she'd been trying to give Henry his best chance at a better life. And it hadn't exactly been her fault with Ava. She hadn't known.

Or maybe it was her fault? She could've listened to everyone who attempted to get her to stay. Surely Mary Margaret and the others would've helped her with the truth. She would've rolled her eyes and scoffed at first but over time she would've eventually come around. Ava wouldn't have been without her mother for so long.

She could've done something, moved heaven and earth to keep Henry thirteen years ago. Even the doctor, having known of her situation, had told her that she could've changed her mind. She could've gotten a job, stayed in shelters, hell even go back to stealing if it had meant giving her son food and shelter. She could've done it, could've managed. She'd always managed. Surely things would've sucked at first but over time she and Henry would've had a good life together. If only she'd kept him.

But she hadn't done any of those things. It all came down to her. She continued to make the same bad choices despite being a living example of the horrible repercussions.

She'd been right, three years ago when she first found out she was pregnant with Ava. She had no business being a mother.

Author's note: Awww, well Ava's gonna come around soon. Right?