[NB, delayed due to seasonal lurgy.. apologies]
Accompanying soundtrack: REM – "Orange Crush"
They sat on the sofa in complete silence facing each other, lying back but with feet and legs entwined, Tilly drinking her long overdue coffee and Jen eating some hot buttered toast. It was a silence of complete comfort and reverence as the two allowed themselves to relax and bask in the glow of their recent intimate activity, occasional bashful smiles exchanged. By this time Tilly had put on a robe.
"I missed this. I missed us." Tilly said softly, blowing the steam as it rose from her cup. She intertwined her fingers with Jens, and allowed both hands to rest on her knee. "I don't know how we got back here, but I'm glad we did."
"Well you probably took a taxi – if I recall, I was already here," and Jen stuck out her tongue, knowing she had been deliberately misleading.
"Hilarious," replied Tilly, raising an eyebrow and pulling her best 'we are not amused' face. The sun shone through the window and lit Jen up like a silhouette in front of her, making her seem almost ethereal.
"Do we…." Tilly hesitated, not sure she wanted to hear an answer that could break her heart "Jen…Do we deserve this? To be happy together, again? After all the pain we've caused?"
Jen's face fell, sombre words snapped her out of her happy place and brought the creeping doubts back, wondering why at this moment Tilly would throw turmoil straight back into the mix, crushing the beautiful moment between them. Tilly realised that what she said could have been easily misconstrued.
"I mean don't get me wrong… I absolutely, one hundred percent want to be with you. NOT being with you would kill me." She squeezed Jen's hand tightly through the clasped fingers. Jen briefly closed her eyes, and breathed out a quick sigh.
"Good, because the thought of not being with you would be the darkest place my mind could imagine," Jen sounded more than relieved, her hand pushing up to scoop her hair behind her ear as a safety activity.
"I somehow feel I just don't deserve it.. us. Not yet anyway. That this amount of happiness – the thing I crave most is genuinely available to me, right here in front of me," she took hold of Jen's hand and squeezed it even more tightly.
"I'm not really sure I can give you the answer you're looking for," Jen's tone showed a slight displeasure at the fact Tilly still significantly wrestled with her conscience.
"I know that. And I'm not even sure I'm looking for an answer – if there even is one." Tilly's voice was low and broken.
"There's no handbook to life, honey," Jen followed up, stroking Tilly's hand. "Every situation is complicated and unique to the persons it affects." She looked straight into Tilly's eyes, "To you and Esther. There are wounds which need to be healed."
Tilly's head fell slightly and Jen saw a tear drop down onto her chest. For the second time that day she gently placed her hand under Tilly's chin and elevated her head back up so their eyes could meet.
"It doesn't matter if we don't understand how things can be fixed, what matters is that you want to try. Through to your core you are a good person, and we'll try to figure out how, but unless Esther is receptive you may never be able to have full closure on this." She pulled Tilly closer to her, at this moment she was very keen on the idea of enveloping her, and she wrapped her suddenly strong arms around Tilly as the pained eyes looked up at her.
"When you and I are close, like this, there is no-one else… everything else fades away. It always has. Somehow you make it all make sense without even trying." She smiled, before adding, "I'll try and get in touch with Esther later – I need to try to mend some fences for my own sanity."
Jen felt a pang of guilt for not being part of the attempted reconciliation process, but it would be just like rubbing salt in the wounds for her to suddenly now appear with Tilly. For her to think she was a stopgap, a mere stepping-stone between the two great-lovers. Romeo and Juliet this was not. She didn't want to give Esther any further cause to resent them. To resent Tilly.
"Would you like to get out of the house? Take a walk in the park maybe. Kick some leaves, feed the ducks? Last time I was there I had an argument with a squirrel. I lost of course, and it threw a conker at me before scampering off up a tree. Squirrely bastard." Jen said all this completely deadpan, and Tilly laughed. She hadn't expected to, but the ridiculousness of Jens words had taken her quite by surprise.
"Normally I would have loved to, but I do have a little coursework to do, and also…I wouldn't like to taint something which sounds so perfect with my thoughts mudded with Esther." She looked earnestly at Jen.
"That's OK, isn't it?"
"Of course it's OK! Go get dressed and I'll give you a lift back."
Jen watched Tilly stand and head to the bedroom, and couldn't help but shudder at the body contours suggested by the light cotton robe fluttering on top of them. It was all she could do to not follow Tilly and peel them from her.
Jen pulled up outside Tilly's. She turned the key off in the ignition and watched Tilly look up to the windows. There was an obvious nervousness.
"Will George be there?" Jen wondered what might greet Tilly up her return.
"Quite possibly. We've… not really spoken much since… the outburst with Esther. I'm definitely not on his Christmas card list at the moment."
"You didn't try to talk it through with him?" she asked enquiringly, although within knowing the answer already.
"He didn't give me the opportunity to. I half tried… but he walked off, and I just couldn't face chasing him to have it out then and there. He knew what he'd done, dropping me in it with Esther like that. I know…" she wrinkled her nose and frowned as the painful thought flooded back, "…I know I fucked up really badly, but he shouldn't have…" she bit her lip and forced back a tear. Jen slipped her arm around Tilly's shoulders in an effort to absorb some of the pain. Tilly balled up her fist, and drew it up to her lips.
"The discussion with Esther should have been on my terms. No-one elses. I could have killed him," she hissed through gritted teeth. "And now this mess, this whole sorry mess." The comfort and security of the morning was now long forgotten. Jen remained silent, stroking her arm, knowing that Tilly needed to vent, and her interruption could change nothing.
Still breathing fast, Tilly started to calm a little as silence fell in the car. Eventually she turned to face Jen, gripping hard onto the hand that was resting on the gear stick.
"I'll call you later. I love you." She leaned in to kiss Jen, a deep and inhaling kiss, hoping that from it she could draw enough strength from it to get her through the day in one piece. Jen allowed herself to be pulled completely in to it. When their lips finally parted, Tilly smiled.
"I love you too," Jen replied, but Tilly said nothing more, and she opened the car door and left. Jen smiled and watched Till go in through her front door. She gave it a minute before she turned the engine over, just in case Tilly had needed her.
Accompanying soundtrack: Crooked Valentine – "War Machine"
Tilly turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open. She peered into the empty hallway, and took off her coat and hung it on the vacant hook. She heard voices in the lounge and with a heavy sigh steeled herself as she walked in. Callum and George were watching a film.
"Hey guys," Tilly said softly, her eyes paying particular attention to George, who refused to make eye contact.
"Tilly… Hi," Callum had obviously been filled in on the recent drama. "I.. just need to get.. a drink," he said, making a swift exit from a situation obviously just about to get heavy. Tilly remained with her focus on George.
"OK, let's sort this shit out right now," Tilly snarled through gritted teeth. George finally spun his head round to Tilly's direction. "You were so fucking out of order it's not even funny. You completely ruined any chance I had of telling Esther without completely ripping out her heart and stamping on it." Tilly was pacing, vitriol flowing from her body, arms and hands flailing at nothing in particular.
"She had a right to know. She had a right to know RIGHT THEN." George raised his voice louder and stronger than Tilly had ever heard before.
"I was going to tell her, but the Tom thing was more important, don't you understand? That's like ripping out her heart and then stamping on it at the same time. She didn't deserve that!" Tilly never questioned that she'd done wrong, she'd only ever wanted to limit the damage.
"Excuses. Nothing more than excuses!" George spat back at her. "You cheated on her – that poor innocent girl. I can't even look at you."
"She deserved better than that George!"
"She deserved better than YOU!"
"I know she did. I KNOW she did!"
Tilly stood silently, shaking. She rolled her eyes to the ceiling, before she threw her hands to her face, rubbed it, before she drew her hands down to a point, resting on her nose. She was trying to strangle the rage which was threatening to consume the pair of them if they continued. Her eyes were now transfixed on George.
"It was my fuck up, which meant it was mine – and mine alone to fix. God only knows what Esther is going through at the moment. Would it have not been better for these things not to have happened at the same time? What if she tries to take her own life again?" As she spoke the words a dread fear came over her and she dropped to her knees.
"I think you're being a bit over dramatic," George sneered back at her.
"Over dramatic? Have you forgotten the past? Where she took an overdose – tried to end her own life? Because she was being bullied. Why can't you see how something like this could easily push her in that direction again?"
"She's not that stupid, Tilly," George responded condescendingly.
"I would have thought that about her last time too. And how wrong I was!" The anger was gone from her voice, replaced with fear. "I saw how she was in that hospital. She wished she'd not been saved, and now she probably wishes that again."
"She's not going to try and take her life again. She's safe with Frankie and Jack."
"Have you spoken to her, George?" Tillys eyes widened as she stared directly at him, still kneeling on the floor.
"I have, although you don't deserve to know anything about it. She will never forgive you." His voice still filled with spite and disgust.
"I don't expect her to forgive me, George. What I've done is unforgivable – I accept that. I just want to make sure she's OK."
"Well, I'm telling you, she's fine! All the better for not having someone like you in her life anymore!" And that was the end of their conversation, as George stood and left the room, leaving Tilly where she remained on the floor, broken and trying to force back the tears. She rested her back against the chair, and drew her legs up to her chest. She searched for her phone in her pocket.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a shit. I don't expect to be forgiven. X"
She sent Esther the text, expecting that she'd probably already either changed her number or blocked her, but it felt like the only thing she could do that was within her control. Tilly slowly rose to her feet, feeling like the worst thing in the world, so different from a few hours previous. She felt dizzy, and awash with remorse. She grabbed a drink from the kitchen and headed to her room, a thousand thoughts running constantly through her head, knowing she'd struggle to concentrate on her work. She hated the thought that not only Esther, but also George hated her so much. And possibly Callum too. Tilly felt like the world was collapsing around her, in the deepest and darkest place she could imagine.
"Well that couldn't have gone worse. I feel like such a shit". Jen was her only solace in the current misery. Tilly hesitated to send the message. She wanted so much for something to drag her from the quagmire, but running to Jen as her comfort, the original source of her misery pre-Esther threw a whole pile of absurd conflicts in her direction. Nonetheless she still sent the text.
Jen felt her phone vibrate with the message ringtone, and when she looked at the screen her face fell. Her first instinct was to ring Tilly, even though she knew there was nothing she could really do.
"Hey," came Tillys soft answer as she accepted the call.
"Hey babe, I just wanted to check you're ok.. I don't need you to recount the details, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."
"George wanted to rip me apart! I've never seen him so angry and vicious. All he could do was blame me, and wouldn't accept that his forcing the issue made the result even worse."
"Tilly," Jen said softly, "You wouldn't have cheated on Esther if all had been right in your relationship. People aren't really pre-disposed to cheating." She paused. "Maybe I'm not the right person to try and help you justify this, because I'll come over as biased, but really your need for something else, something more must have driven you – driven us, to be drawn back together." She sighed, and shared the guilt Tilly was struggling with.
"Babe, I don't know right now how you're going to resolve this issue with George, or with Esther for that matter. You're just going to have to let them work it through themselves and see what time will bring."
"Thanks Jen. I love you. I'll speak to you later."
Neither of them felt particularly great after the call, and the predicament in general, but Tilly wanted to put it out of her mind so she could concentrate on her work. But her concentration had left her almost entirely, and she found herself mostly tapping her fingers on the desk until she heard a bedroom door open on the landing, and she jumped up, desperate to see if George had calmed any. When she opened her door she was disappointed to see Callum.
"Hey," he offered, "has the dust settled and peace broken out yet?"
Tilly sighed, and a small wry smile crept onto her face.
"I don't think there's a truce coming any time soon if I'm honest. George is.. well not quite seeing eye to eye with me."
"Over the Jen thing? Yeah, I can see why." Callum wasn't judging, but it was hard to see how Tilly wasn't in the wrong. Tilly was surprised by him comment.
"You know about Jen?" a confused look crowded across her face. She'd not mentioned Jen to anyone other than George, and she could now only assume that George had been less than careful when telling the details to others.
"Yeah." He raised his eyebrows in a contrite manner. Tilly sighed, her shoulders dropping and her whole body slumping against the corridor wall.
"For what it's worth," Callum continued, not wishing to get caught in the middle of the animosities but with what he genuinely believed, "I always questioned why you and Esther were together. It seemed such an unlikely pairing," he shrugged.
"Someday maybe I'll try and explain to you how that came about. Needless to say there was a significant amount of guilt involved, and a sense that I owed Esther."
"Honesty hurts, doesn't it?" Callum didn't mean it in an accusing manner. "I remember all the Maddie stuff I went through I could almost never do enough for her, and she'd always try to guilt me into things or read into things that didn't exist. That's no way to exist." Tilly was surprised by the snippets of honesty coming from Callum, especially in the light of their reason for their conversation.
"You're right, I know you're right. I was with her for the wrong reasons, and I shouldn't have done that. And I went about it completely the wrong way too of course. I'm ashamed to say I was driven by my more base urges towards Jen." Tilly blushed slightly at the words.
Callum leaned casually back against the wall. "There's no denying Jen is a good looking girl. I can see how you'd be drawn back to her."
Tilly smiled, relieved Callum wasn't giving her too much of a hard time.
"She does have a certain hold over me with those dark eyes of hers…" Tilly stopped herself, realising this wasn't either the time or the place to extol Jen's virtues. She looked at him and smiled again.
"Thanks. Thanks for this. I'm not looking for you to pick sides, but it's nice to know that you can at least understand my point of view." Callum smiled back at her.
"I do understand Tilly, even though you may have gone about things the wrong way." He wanted to speak without prejudice, but it was difficult under the circumstances.
"Can I ask one thing of you? I just want to know that Esther is OK, that I'm not going to be the cause of her going and doing something stupid again. Can you just keep an eye on George, and let me know if he has any contact with her. I just want to know everything's OK – nothing more." She felt like a fool for asking.
"I think I can manage that. I know he's talked to her on the phone so I'm pretty sure it should be easy enough. But keep a low profile, yeah? If he starts throwing things around in anger, I worry for the safety of the TV!" Tilly nodded and moved in to give him a hug, as some of her dark cloud lifted. An ally, no matter how small or insignificant, at this time was more than she could have asked for.