Accompanying soundtrack: The Charlatans – "You're So Pretty, We're So Pretty"
Wednesday. Wednesday morning to be exact, and for the second time in as many days, Jen couldn't sleep. They'd come back to her place, tried to relax, even made love, but still she found herself watching Tilly blissfully sleeping whilst she lay there wide awake.
Now it was inevitable that the history she'd tried so hard to keep hidden was about to reveal itself in the most public of ways. It wasn't irrational any more, it was frighteningly real.
Jen slipped carefully and quietly out of bed and padded downstairs. Still dark outside she made a coffee and sat on the sofa. The caffeine didn't matter because she knew she wouldn't be sleeping. She put the TV on and turned the volume down low for something to take her mind off it all, but it was mostly just a flickering light in the corner. Her brain wouldn't divert from the problem at hand.
As far as Jen was concerned she'd never done anything really wrong. She wasn't blinkered and in denial - the relationship with Tilly had always been consensual and had never been intentionally based on a student-teacher relationship - that bit was always entirely accidental. Anyone who's been genuinely, deeply and thoroughly in love knows that it is an unstoppable force, the magnitude of which cannot be stopped by time, distance or indeed rationality. She couldn't stand the thought of having to go through the humiliation of everyone knowing again and casting aspersions when Carla told them all. She didn't want to be branded some kind of pervert - unless it was the good kind, and she certainly didn't want Tilly to fall under prying eyes.
She paced the kitchen, occasionally interspersing her strides with a holding her head in her hands, or balling her hands into an angry fist, as she suffered the knowing impossibility of being able to think about anything else. Jen looked at her phone – it was 3AM. Too early to text or ring anyone, even H, she just had her own thoughts for company, and those thoughts were her own worst enemy.
Jen pulled her car onto the cark park and sat for a minute. She intended to go straight to see the head – to explain the story and ultimately to resign. It'd break her heart to do so. Jen had always felt this school was probably her last chance saloon, but that if she'd been able to get through a couple of years under the radar the history would be buried deeper and deeper and her opportunities would being open up again. But now she found herself in a situation beyond which hope or good fortune could be reached.
It was still quite early and there were only a few people around. Stepping hesitantly through the main doors Jen headed down the central corridor, if there had been any less obvious route to the art rooms she would have taken it. She wanted some solace and time to steel herself but she didn't get very far before someone stepped out in front of her and blocked her way. To Jens horror it was Carla. Jen tried to sidestep her but Carla matched her movement. Jen's eyes grew narrow as she frowned.
"We need to talk," Carla said confidently but with a lowered, flat voice.
"I don't think I have anything that I need to say to you, Carla. And I don't think I want to hear anything you have to say either!" Jen looked straight at her, eyes hardened and fixed as she spoke through gritted teeth and tried to bury the fear that rose inside her.
"Jen…. Esther told me the whole story."
Jen stood still, she closed her eyes with disbelief, shoulders dropped.
"She told you her side of the story you mean? The one that paints Esther as a martyr in all this? The one where she isn't accountable for her own actions and blames everyone else?" Jen's anger levels started to rise.
Carla uttered a small, cynical chuckle.
"The one about you taking advantage of your position of power with one of your underage students you mean?"
Jen had no riposte. To reply would be tantamount to self-incrimination, but her eyes burned like fire as she bore daggers towards Carla.
"Jen, I could care less about the childish whims of a self-pitying teenager. In fact that is largely of no relevance." Jen's eyes flickered with curiosity, her head moved slightly to pay more attention to the words she hadn't expected to hear.
"The interesting part is your… 'ethical' choices with regard to Tilly."
"Ethical choices?! I don't think you can talk to me about ethical choices!" Jen quickly lowered her voice, incensed once more, her curiosity suppressed. Jen did the only thing she could to bring them both back on a level playing field – she stepped forward to own the space between them.
"You've been hitting on me every time you see me. You don't take no for an answer!" Carla didn't move, but stood firm.
"All outside work hours, Jen", Carla replied calmly, raising an eyebrow. "I see potential, I like to try and explore it." In an orchestrated move which attempted to be casual but was clearly intentional, Carla raised her hand to remove some fluff or a hair from Jen's shoulder. Jen didn't know if there was anything there or not, but she pulled herself backwards as if Carla's fingers had sent an electric shock through her.
"I met Tilly outside work hours. In fact I met her at an art event before I even started working for the school she attended. Actually scratch that! Because she told me she was at University, not school, and I had no reason to suspect differently." The colour in Jen's face started to pink, her body showing a frustrated, but almost confident and battle ready demeanour. Carla smiled as she clearly enjoyed the skirmish that unfolded in front of her.
"But still you pursued her, Jen, even after you knew the truth. That, my dear, is your smoking gun. It's the point at which, armed with the extra knowledge, you made the decision that you did."
Jen looked guilt-ridden as she swallowed hard. It was a calculated power-play from Carla. Culpability, and the point of conviction that resulted from it left Jen in no doubt that her career was over. Sweat broke across her forehead.
"What that tells me, Jen, is you're amenable to a little bit of persuasion and temptation." Carla paused, a slight smirk present at one corner of her mouth as she rocked back slightly on one heel. Jen's brow frowned a little, confusingly the expected fight had waned, and the direction had changed.
"I like you, Jen. You know that. I've said as much." Carla's toned was hushed and breathy. She lightly took the right collar of Jen's jacket between her thumb and finger, and ran them down the length of it.
"Jen…" she put her hand firmly on to Jens forearm, "Oscar Wilde wrote 'I can resist everything but temptation' in an attempt to poke fun at Victorian morality. But this … You and I… it'd be just sex. Don't resist the temptation, I know you're interested."
Jen shuddered slightly at the touch, it was an involuntary reaction. She swallowed hard again but didn't have any words, and remained visibly stunned. Carla had openly flirted with her on numerous occasions, but this was the one scenario she'd not thought about. Carla felt the need to break the tension.
"Jen, your secret stays safe with me. I don't care about your history." Carla quickly checked her surroundings before she leaned in and kissed Jen softly on the cheek, before turning on her heels and she was gone.
Jen was unable to move for a moment, confused, possibly frightened and not entirely sure what had just happened. Swimming in a haze of multiple and jumbled emotions, Jen stumbled her way to her classroom and sat on the bench by the window slightly dazed. There were still 10 minutes before the students would start to arrive for their class.
What seemed like a thousand more thoughts flashed through her mind. She was completely taken aback by what had just happened. Primarily she thought that no matter what Carla said, there was still the consideration that she would use her knowledge against her. It was an annoyance that Jens history had raised itself once more when she just wanted it dead and buried. But then, Carla didn't want to report her, she wanted something else entirely. Jen shook her head. Jen's fingers toyed idly with a pen from the windowsill, flipping and rotating it within her fingers trying to piece things together and work out her thoughts. Carla was cute, but she couldn't – shouldn't - even think about that!
Everyone is susceptible to flattery….Everyone loves the compliment of being found desirable….Do I actually find Carla desirable? Am I tempted? Why the hell am I even thinking about this?!
Even more so that Jen had to chide herself for even momentarily considering the notion. She hadn't meant to ever think like that. She should remember it was thinly veiled blackmail, pure and simple.
She couldn't tell Tilly, not yet. Jen felt the need to try and deal without the need to involve her. She turned to the only voice of reason she could trust to be completely objective about this.
H grinned at her from across the room.
"Stranger danger!" she bellowed, and pointed in Jen's direction. Jen grinned back at her.
"Hilarious as always, H. It never gets old – although you still do."
They hugged and Jen sat. H had thoughtfully already got some drinks. She knew that a call for help from Jen was likely to be a situation that once they got into it, wouldn't want it to be punctuated by a trip to the bar. Jen was too wound up to want to really engage in small talk to start with, and figured a deep-end approach to get it out of the way was the best idea.
"H, I need some advice. The type of straight-shooting no-nonsense stuff only you can give me. I'm looking for a voice of reason and unfortunately you're the closet thing I've got to that." She forced a smile.
"Oh aye? And how might I be of assistance?"
Jen ran a finger cautiously round the rim of her glass, not knowing how to say what she needed to say without sounding like a complete idiot
"A teacher at my school – she's been flirting with me. I've made it clear I'm not interested, but she's persistent." Jen paused.
"That's it?" H looked confused.
"No… there's more. I'm struggling to say this. In short… she found about the Esther thing – long story, but she says she'll keep quiet it we… you know." Jen felt weak and pathetic, not even able to verbalise properly what she wanted to say.
"So you fuck her and she keeps quiet? I've got to say, it's a little blackmaily even by my standards."
"H, if I don't… I'm sure I'm finished as a teacher. Tilly said that because the school head knows already, there's nothing to answer to. But it's not the head I need to worry about. It's the other teachers, and worst of all the parents."
"Wait, Tilly knows about this?"
"Um… no… Well, half of it. Sort of." Jen shook her head as she looked for the words. H looked understandably confused.
"We were out in Velvet last night and Carla and Esther came in. We saw them, it was uncomfortable and unsavoury. So Tilly knows they know each other, and knows that Esther will have told Carla about what happened in the past. Tilly tried to logic this whole situation out with me last night and tell me not to worry because they wouldn't be able to do anything. Of course that was before Carla caught me this morning with her 'proposal'." Jen's response was peppered with pauses and remorse.
"Ah, I see." H nodded. "That's a pretty bloody complicated situation you got yourself into there, Gilmore." Jen nodded, and slumped back into her chair.
H sat back in her chair, played with her hair and scratched the back of her head.
"If this gets out, do you genuinely think you're screwed?"
"Yeah," Jen replied dolefully, and sighed. Her body language was resigned. H watched intently as she realised Jen was completely crushed over the whole thing. It wasn't the time for anything but the straight-shooter response Jen had asked for.
"OK, so if you do nothing, she'll tell the world and its dog and you're finished. If you fuck her then she won't tell anyone, you keep your job and no-one is any the wiser?" H always favoured the black and white approach.
"In a nutshell, yup. You know being a teacher is everything to me, H. I couldn't imagine being anything else."
"So…. You know the answer to your conundrum then," H lay down the solution in her usual matter of fact way, pragmatic as ever.
"H…. I won't sleep with her!" Jen shook her head with disbelief.
"Jen, babe, look at this practically. If you think they only way you can save your career is to have sex with her then just do it. You need to weigh up what's more important to you, and how you can get out of this with the least damage. She's cute, right?" H's face looked genuinely like this was the obvious answer.
"I'm not sure how that's relevant," Jen responded indignantly.
"Honey, if she's cute it is less of a chore. If you're going to do it you might actually consider enjoying it."
"I have no idea how you can even think like that! I can't. I love Tilly, I couldn't do that to her." H laughed at Jen's effrontery.
"I'm taking that as a yes, Gilmore. Look… when have you ever really listened to me? But you should listen now – if this is your best solution, and the one you choose, then go into it with the mind frame of acceptance. There's no point making things any harder than they already are. Detach your emotions and think of it just as a means to an end."
Jen put her head in her hands as H sat back and watched her friend in turmoil.