Yay! Here's an early update, since I took so long with the last one. I want to thank those who reviewed: Hi14 x, Cena's baby doll, 1222mercedes1222, slasherfilmfan, awesomeone21, GlamaHart32, therealchamps, and my time is now. You guys are amazing! I smile at every single review, and it means a lot that you guys take the time to give me feedback. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.
The past few days have been a strenuous pattern: work, cry, maybe eat, and maybe sleep. Alyssa couldn't believe how easily she'd burst in tears and how John haunted her even during sleep. She hadn't seen nor talked to him for a few days, but it helped that she hadn't been around Randy either.
Tonight she was out with the girls. The distraction it brought, albeit not much, was definitely welcomed. Alyssa found herself laughing for the first time, and it felt refreshing. There were sporadic times John popped up in her head, since nearly everything could remind her of him, but it went away as quickly as it came.
Right before she delved herself into the alcohol, one of the divas fully grabbed her attention. "Hey, you know who seems like they're back to their senses?"
"Who?" another one of the divas asked.
"I mean…not that it's a good thing or anything, but John. He seems to be back on with the ladies."
Alyssa, holding her first drink in hand, immediately set the glass down and stared off in space. She suddenly didn't feel like consuming alcohol anymore. She already felt the headache. Back on with the ladies? What?
"Yeah, I noticed he stopped hooking up with girls before Australia, but he looks like he's back at it. Either Australia got him really deprived or really interested."
All the women laughed and slurred at this comment. None of them seemed to notice the internal affect this had on Alyssa, who was beginning to feel herself slip away again.
Shit. No. Not here, not in public.
Alyssa's surroundings began to blur and the sounds blended into the distance. She frantically looked around, wondering if this comment about John hooking up came out of left field or from actually witnessing it. As she searched the bar, she saw no traces of him.
Okay. Maybe it's not true, Alyssa thought to herself. She managed to squirm out of her seat, without anyone's notice, to head towards the restroom.
On the way there, she noticed a man leaning against the wall as if waiting for someone to get out of the ladies room. She blinked him into focus and realized it was John. Crap. Right as he turned to look at her, she blinked again. It wasn't John. Damn it. Why was her mind doing these nasty tricks on her?
She shook her head and walked hastily into the restroom. Setting her clutch on the counter, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
You broke my heart, and I don't want anything to do with it anymore.
The last thing John said to her echoed in her head, and by now, she'd repeated it at least a hundred times. As ironic as it was, hearing this now made her feel a little better. It meant that somehow, he was going after something he did want. And by all means, if he wants those other women, then so be it. There was nothing she could do.
In contrary, hearing his last line also made her feel a lot worse. It only amplified her devastation over the fact that John had really left her.
Alyssa opened her eyes again. The once near-empty restroom was now filled with more people. She took her clutch and headed towards the exit. Her friends started their rounds of shots; she figured none of them would really notice her absence anyway.
As soon as she was outside, the wind hit her face, and it sent chills down her spine. Normally, she loved this feeling, but right now, it only served as a reminder of how extra cold her days and nights have been. This gust of air matched the feeling in her heart, and as she walked further and further, the void continued to expand.
By the time she made it back to her hotel room, she felt herself breaking again. Rape, she could handle. Evidently, all she needed to do to move on was to forget. But John, John was proving to be much harder to forget- much harder to ignore or deny. For someone who never saw love in her future, she was finding it extremely difficult to see beyond the days without it.
By forcing herself to forget what Randy did, by generating herself to deny the most traumatic event in her life- she lost the love of her life. A part of her was hoping that John would still stick around, that he'd still stay. But it became clear to her that a relationship built on secrets could simply not exist.
The extra warmth provided to John tonight was making sleep impossible. Just three months ago, he'd tossed and turn all night for not having someone to sleep with; more specifically, for not having Alyssa to sleep with. Now, he'd gotten used to sleeping alone, and the naked blonde next to him was obviating him further from solace. This forced John to scratch his head. Why'd he bring her back to his room again? The last few nights he'd gone to the bar, he got well acquainted with new faces. It wasn't until tonight he actually decided to run all the bases. But it was Alyssa's fault. If he hadn't seen her at the bar, he would've never thought of taking in another woman. But just like the last time he saw Alyssa, his emotions went havoc, and now he was with some nameless female.
"Baby, are you okay?"
John titled his head to the side as warm flesh went up against his own.
"You wanna go for round two?" she smiled.
He looked at her skeptically, nausea quickly permeating him. She was an amazing woman in bed, no doubt, but he was beginning to question what the hell he'd gotten himself into. He didn't want this. He definitely didn't want this. Broken-hearted or not, he no longer found interest in one night stands. Ever since Alyssa, sex had become something much more. And frankly, as beautiful as this girl beside him was, she was still nothing compared to Alyssa.
John closed his eyes, his insides crumbling further as he did. Not only was he questioning the presence of the naked stranger beside him, he was also dithering over Alyssa yet again. This was definitely not his most productive night.
"John, baby, come on. You look like you could use another ride of your life." She licked her lips as her orbs flashed with arousal and desire.
John quickly opened his eyes, and when he did, she was on top of him. Instead of telling her to stop, he surrendered himself to his body and used his lips to kiss her instead.
"I could just stay home forever," Alyssa mumbled.
Three weeks had gone by since things ended with John, and they were the longest three weeks of her life. Somehow, it felt even longer than the three months John spent in Australia. Thankfully, she managed to fully immerse herself into work, which provided her the needed distraction as well as these extra days off. It was officially time to build herself up again.
After first hearing about John hooking up, she fell into a phase of denial. She refused to believe he was interested in random girls; or rather, in some ring-rat rebounds. It wasn't until last week when she caught him walking a blonde along the hotel hallways when she finally admitted to herself that he had, in fact, moved on. They were officially history.
And now, it was time for her to move on as well. She'd already taken the first step by telling Randy to back the hell off. He'd begged and pleaded, a myriad of times, through various forms: voicemails, flowers, letters. After continually responding with silence, he finally got the point that, if he wanted to ever be friends again, he needed to give her some space.
Alyssa settled herself on the couch and looked around her living room. The white furniture with accents of red brought liveliness to her eyes. For the first time, in a long time, she was beginning to feel rejuvenated.
"Life without men." She smiled a small smile. She wasn't sure if it was a forced one or not, but that didn't matter much. "I've done this once, I can do it again."
It seemed that every time he saw Alyssa, John broke off from his robotic tendencies to crumble back into a shattered state. That theory hadn't been tested in awhile, and as crazy as it was, John was beginning to miss it. He hadn't seen her for weeks, and it confused the hell out of him. He didn't want to see her, but when he didn't, all he thought about was their next possible encounter. Every time he found himself alone- turning a corner, ordering dessert, getting into his car- he wondered if she'd end up at the same place. She never did. It's like she disappeared off the face of the earth while simultaneously remaining inert in his heart. Her total absence, John learned, was the heaviest blow to endure.
All hopes of seeing her finally boiled over one night. John was taking his nightly rounds at the bar when Randy appeared with women in both arms. As much as she was the reason for his broken heart, John couldn't help but still feel overprotective. So, fractious and slightly buzzed, John sauntered over to diatribe. "Orton, what the hell are you doing with these girls, huh? What the hell is Alyssa gonna think, huh?"
Randy, looking perplexed, took his arms off the two women. "Are you drunk?"
"Eh, no! And that's not important," John slurred. "What the hell you doin? Where's Alyssa?"
"She went home," Randy stated zealously. He glanced apologetically at his company.
John's blinked his eyes, and suddenly, his senses were sharper. It's like all the alcohol slipped out of his body. Alyssa went home? Randy's with other girls and not her? This was news to him.
"You're drunk, man. Take it easy." Randy patted John's shoulder before taking the two women away with him. It'd been awkward between them for awhile, the true reasons unbeknownst to both, and Randy knew this encounter only happened because of alcohol. After getting drunk the last time and doing what he did, he promised to avoid any association with drinks. His life was much simpler that way.
Meanwhile, John stood stunned and all he could think about was which way would get him back to his hotel room the fastest. He no longer wanted to be at the bar, he no longer wanted to drink, he no longer wanted to pick up random girls. He just wanted to lay in bed. And for once, he wanted to sleep alone and sober.
Day two of being home was proving to be a good one. Alyssa kept herself busy running errands and now she was back in her driveway with groceries. It'd been awhile since she last had a home cooked meal and boy was she looking forward to tonight. It'd be dinner for one, but who needs company when you have good food?
She hauled all the groceries out of her trunk and when she turned to slam the door, someone else had pulled up to her driveway.
"Whatta-" Alyssa's eyes traveled from the back of the car all the way to the driver's window. Her mouth dried instantly when John stepped out of the car. She nearly dropped the bags.
"Hey, you need help with that?" John made his way towards her.
"Um, I- uh-" Alyssa stammered, wondering how the hell he managed to sound so casual.
Before she managed to fully formulate a sentence, John took the groceries from her hands and into his own. She shifted her eyes from it to his face and realized he looked even more handsome than she remembered. How did he still have this affect on her?
Instead of saying anything, Alyssa forced a smile before leading him into her house. She couldn't fathom where this was going.
"Kitchen counter alright?" John asked.
"Uh, yeah."
Alyssa crossed her arms as John settled the bags against the marble. His eyes traveled around the kitchen before finally settling on her face. The island in between them kept some distance.
"I apologize for coming without notice. I just didn't want some phone call to be our form of communicating."
Alyssa nodded. She still didn't see where this was going; the expression on his face was hardly readable. He just looked…good. He was dressed in a black button up with the sleeves rolled below his elbows, and he paired it with dark jeans and black shoes. John barely ever wore pants and it made Alyssa wonder what else had changed about him. She parted her lips, but words failed to follow.
"So, how have you been?" he freely spoke.
Alyssa uncrossed her arms and ran a hand through her hair. She thought she was doing fine, but his presence made her question it all over again. "Well, I've been home and holding up."
John's eyes burrowed deeper into hers. He was carefully assimilating her answer before providing his own. "I'd be lying if I told you I was doing okay."
There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere, and Alyssa didn't know if she could handle it. Their physical proximity was overwhelming enough; talking about their feelings might just push her over the edge.
"I'd also be lying if I told you, you haven't been on my mind."
Alyssa closed her eyes; looking into his was making her feel winded.
"Alyssa, please." His voice was filled with need and desperation.
When she opened her eyes again, her heart rate shot up the roof. His casual stare was replaced with a look of helplessness, and it was breaking her heart. "John- I-I don't know what to tell you."
"Help me understand," he begged. "What happened to us?"
His question stung. It almost felt like a slap in the face. "It's not what you think."
"Then what was it? Tell me. Help me make sense of everything again."
"John-I- I don't know. It's just not what you think."
"Then what?" He was almost losing patience. "Was it the heat of the moment? Was it something you two have been wanting to do? Was it something you regret? What was it, Alyssa?"
She briefly closed her eyes. All the strength she'd mustered up the last 24 hours disappeared and tears began to brim her lashes. "It's something I wanna forget. That's why I didn't tell you, John, because I just wanna forget everything."
She looked away. Her lips were beginning to tremble- hell, every part of her was beginning to tremble.
John couldn't ignore the way her body was reacting, and it took every bit of him to resist holding her right then and there. But he still didn't understand. She still wasn't telling him everything- or anything- but at least she was finally talking.
When she looked at him again, tears were freely rolling down her cheeks. And when she spoke, her voice cracked. "I just wanna forget everything."
John swallowed, but it did nothing to pacify his racing heart. The love of his life was breaking right in front of him. Where did they go wrong?
He curled his fingers in, then suddenly, the past invaded his memory.
"Remember when he tried to kiss you?"
She took awhile to respond when he'd asked her, and it was now becoming clear to him the things Alyssa didn't want to remember.
"Has he tried anything?"
"John, if he did, I would've told you already. Don't you know that?"
Yes, he knew that. He knew Alyssa would never blatantly hide anything from him. He also knew she did everything possible to cover up for Randy.
John, piecing together the facts, stared at her in horror. He was almost afraid to ask. "Alyssa, did he rape you?"
When she only stared, all hell inside of him broke loose. The resentment, the bitterness, the hurt: all melted into insignificance and was replaced with sorrow and anger.
John was at Alyssa's side within seconds. He cradled her into his arms, feeling broken and whole at the same time.
She sobbed against him, instantly dampening his black shirt. It's like a dam had been broken. Finally.
John's heart raced as he tightened his grip on her. He went back and forth between wanting to kill Randy and wanting to never let Alyssa go. He waited until her sobs calmed down before taking a look at her tear-stricken face. Using his thumbs, he wiped the moistness out of her cheeks.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered.
"Because I was scared." She was still crying. "I was scared to remember that night. I was scared to hear myself talk about what happened to me. I was scared you wouldn't accept that I forgave him. I-I don't know. I was just petrified and I thought if I pretended it never happened, I could avoid having to deal with those fears."
John pushed their foreheads together, desperate to draw out any strength he could for the both of them. His heart was breaking. Nothing, absolutely nothing, had ever hurt this much.
"John, I never intentionally tried to hide anything from you. For myself, I just- I didn't want to remember what happened. But now I realize that was selfish of me, and I just fucked everything up."
"Baby, no, don't say that. I understand, okay? Please don't cry. Please."
John pulled her back into his arms. Nasty images flashed through his head: Randy using force on her, her crying herself to sleep, her being all alone, her not knowing what to do. He swore to himself that he'd never let her feel that way again.
"Shhh." He gently rocked her. "Don't worry, baby. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm here now."
John waited a few more seconds before pulling away. He used his thumb to wipe away more of her tears. "We'll make this work."
She simply nodded her head, and for the first time, John saw her form a real smile.
He smiled back, and something inside of him knew that the worst had come and gone. They were back in each other's lives again.