The Great Jeddie Fanfic

by AdrianIWish

My name is Jill Mastrano. Well, Mastrano Dragomir. That last word I keep forgetting, Dragomir, changed my life forever. A bit less than a year ago I found out I'm a princess. Since then my life's been a mess. Royalty, dying, Palm Springs, Adrian's thoughts, not to mention my horrible love life. Now things seem to be calming down. But then there's Eddie. The thing is... I love him.

15. A Boy's Story

I AM SO SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR A MONTH! The thing is, I was just finishing things in school (I'm done now ) and also, this chapter is sooo very long. It could't be done in more than one piece. And it's very special, you'll soon know why. It was also very hard to write, I don't know if Imade it the way I wanted to… But I really, really hope you like it.

First, of course I own nothing, Richelle Mead does. And there are spoilers. And I'm sorry for mistakes. Thank you for all the reviews and follows and favorites, please kep reviewing. Especially for this chapter. I really want to know what you guys think. Even if it's awful, I have to know if this is good or bad so that I know if I should ever do it again. And I'd really love to reach 40 reviews, I'm only two from it…

Now, before I tell you to enjoy this chapter, I know there's been a huge lack of Eddie in the last two chapters. So I thought I'd make up for it. It makes everything else easier to understand. Let's go back to the time when Jill and the gang came from their vacation…

Eddie's POV
I reluctantly put on the black jacket of my guardian uniform. My uniform wasn't the real reason for my sullenness, although I also wasn't happy about the thick clothes they made us wear in the middle of July. We could fight just as well in swimsuits.
It was weird to think how excited I was to first get the sign I was a guardian a bit more than a year ago. The uniform was made just for me and it was only my own ever since. I thought I'd never get it after all the trouble I'd been through that year. The death of my best friend, running away with a princess - officially to a wild party in Las Vegas, luckily no one found out we were really breaking a criminal out of jail - then helping the assumed assassinator of the Queen escape, and even killing a Moroi, I was really lucky to even get a job. It helped that the princess I ran away with became the Queen.
Now I was looking at that uniform on me like at my biggest enemy. Hell, I didn't even know who my biggest enemy is anymore. The year that proceeded after I actually got a job was even crazier. But I certinatelly didn't spend it in official clothes. It had been a while since I last wore the guardian uniform. And the reason I had to put it on... Well, was the real reason for my reluctance.
Two days ago Lissa called me to meet her in her office. I got the feeling something strange was up when she told me to sit down.
"I'm not gonna like this, am I?" I asked. She shook her head with sympathy on her face. I tossed in the arm-chair I'd sat in nervously. I never liked hearing bad news, and this looked like it might change my world, from the way Lissa was acting.
"Here's the thing," she said and exhaled. I knew she liked to tell bad news just as much as I liked to hear them. "Jill has decided where to go to school." I nodded, waiting for her to continue. My heart jumped at the mention of Jill's name, even though I didn't want it to. Lissa's tone told me that every word was a tourture for her.
"She's going back to St. Vladimir's." I tilted my head. I could take that. I liked the school. And there'd be no need for me to pretend I was a student.
"And since she's going to be safe on campus, she asked if Angeline could go with her... And you'd stay here." Lissa's voice was weirdly desperat. She tried to put her point as kindly and politely as possible. That was probably the reason it took me a second to realize her actual point. My reaction to it was that more fierce to make up for it.
"She's firing me?!" I exclaimed. I didn't even realize how loud my voice became. It wasn't like me, and I immediately looked around out of habit to see if anyone noticed my yelling in the moment of weakness.
"Well, I wouldn't exactly say firing..." Lissa said, sounding like she was trying to apologize for something she did to me. Her beautiful face, reflecting so many Jill's features barely anyone noticed, was lost and sad. I, or so I'm afraid, was the incarnation of outrage and despair. My reaction was probably exactly what Lissa was afraid of.
"Yeah, because you're trying to say it nicely. She's firing me," I sighed.
"She's hurt. Because you don't want to be with her," Lissa blurted. I saw in her eyes that she was sorry immediately. So was I.
"I really screwed up," it suddenly hit me. It had never been my intention to hurt Jill. I loved her! And because I loved her, I wanted to protect her. Which would be impossible if we were together. Those same facts, although in different, a lot more complicated words with plenty of other things that were true as well were exactly what I told her when she asked me why.
"It's not true that I don't want to be with her."
Lissa gave me a sad smile, her eyes expressing just how much she was trying to understand me, but couldn't. Not even guardians could get it. No one could. I didn't. I only knew it was wrong.
"But everything you told her wasn't the real reason you rejected her," Lissa guessed. The annoying thing about spirit users was that they were disturbingly good at reading people who didn't want to be read.
"Actually, everything I told her was true," I argued.
"Yeah, but as much as I know, none of it made much sense," Lissa said in a tone unusually cold for her. "Look, why don't you just ell me what the real reason is?" she then asked more gently. "You'll feel better."
"I don't know," I said quietly and left the room.
"You have to be at the headquarters in two days!" Lissa yelled behind me. I turned around just for a second to nod, then closed the door behind me.
It was hilarious how nothing could scare me in a battle, but I was terrified about whatever it was that was going on between me and Jill. I really didn't know the real real reason. And no matter what Lissa said, I was pretty sure nothing could make me feel better.
The further apart we grew, the better it was for her. I still felt the agonizing urge to protect her, but... I tried to push those thoughts away, so that I wouldn't feel too quilty. It turned out whenever I was around her, I only ended up hurting her. I never knew I broke her heart. We used to fight the way we did that night all the time, always from the same reason. Except that every time our words grew sharper, as the kiss that happened before grew deeper. I thought everything would go back on the same track after that. It wasn't until now that I realized it was a turning point in our relationship - all or nothing. She finally realized I won't let it go. The two of us being together... It was just wrong in every way.
Nothing changed in the two days I had off, although I had plenty of time to think. I kept going to the guardians' gym as often as possible, to be in full condition to fight all the time. And also to keep my mind off. Always, when I had doubts about my choices, I trained as hard as possible to be sure in at least one thing - my strenght. To get rid of the guilt that had been chasing me ever since Mason's death. And yet, I believed I was never ready enough.
And so, here I was right now, getting ready to be one of the guardians again. From the deficient experience I'd gained in the last summed, I liked working in the field much better. Here, at Court, a guardian could feel like they're about to tear him apart.
Of course, thinking like this was exactly the kind of positivity I needed on my first day. Not.
Lissa infromed me about the time of my meeting as well. And so, I was in front of Hans Croft's office at 2 pm, waiting for the secretary to call me into the office. The meeting with such a busy man was scheduled, of course. But I wasn't a fan of the fact that everyone else arranged everything for me. I felt like a marrionette.
Okay, I seriously didn't understand what was up with me. I've never been this bitter and disgruntled. I should be happy I didn't have to deal with the office stuff. It really wasn't my field.
The secretary called me in after five minutes or so. As I walked inside, the Hans's expression was downright amused.
"Eddie Castile, I'd never expect to see you here again," he said with a smirk unusual for him. Although, what did I know? I only saw him four or five times, all for bussiness.
"Of course you would, my meeting was scheduled," I replied, my expression cold. His remark gave me a feeling he was mocking me. Who wouldn't? I was stupid enough to get myself into this.
"That's true. Let's get to bussiness," he said. "Why are you here exactly?"
That certinately wasn't a question I'd expected.
"Didn't Liss- um, the Queen tell you?" I asked. It was over a year, and I still didn't get used to calling my friend by her royal title. Hans shook his head slowly.
"She only told me to schedule a meeting with you as soon as possible."
Seriously? If she was to arrange the meeting for me, she could've just saved me the struggle of explaining my messed up situation.
"Okay," I exhaled. "So, I suppose that for a while, until I'll be needed somewhere else, I'll be at my service to the Royal Army or wherever it is that you need me at Court."
"Really?" Hans gave me a surprised look. It was hard to stay cold under his scrutiny, because I felt like a child caught at stealing candy. When really, I didn't do anything wrong. At least nothing against the guardian rules. My personal life was my personal life, right?
"Yes, really, I certinately didn't come over here to tell you lies," I said fiercly.
"I'm sure of that, I'm just a bit surprised about that after how much Queen Vasilisa stood up for you, saying that it'd be a loss of great guardian potential to not give you that job. Which I agree with. I remember how satisfied you were about getting the princess for your charge, and she was just as eager, so it intrigues me why any of you would decide to break this deal that seemed to work so well for everyone, that's all," Hans replied, his face completely indifferent.
"Well, Miss Dragomir is leaving back to St. Vladimir's Academy, where she will be, I dare say, decently protected, so she doesn't need that many personal guardians around her. I'd only get in her way," I explained, hoping I sounded convincing enough. But Hans had been in his position for too long, although my explanation was completely reasonable. Unfortunatelly he wasn't as proffesional at holding back his curiosity as he was at seeing through lies.
"And she decided she'd rather take her other guardians with her than you," Hans said with an exaggerated sympathy in his voice. I felt more humiliated by minute, but I refused bent my head. I've always believed you have to fight until the end, even if it's in a fight you're losing.
"Does that come from personal reasons, or have you dissapointed her in bussiness...?"
"Actually, the guardian she took with her hasn't completed the guardian training yet, so it's more logical to take her to the school," I said coldly. I was talking about Angeline, of course. "If there are any personal reasons behind the decision, turn to the princess, not me. I haven't been told about them if there are - and besides, who am I to expose her private life?" I retorted. Hans only arched an eyebrow and finally gave the subject a break. Who would've thought I'd ever be hiding my privacy from the Court's lead guardian?
Hans then told me I'd be working whenever and wherever I'd be needed - I wouldn't be sitting around for sure. Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted. Sitting around inevitably leaded into thinking about Jill.
And so, in two days time I recieved a call from the headquarters. A voice I didn't know told me I'd be removing some flowers that had dried in the heat and replacing them with more durable ones until they find me something better to do. I wasn't exactly in joy when I heard that, because, really? Gardening? Couldn't they just find better flowers in the first place? And the whole thing painfully reminded me of the punishment Rose and I got when we ran away to Vegas. I'd known how much I'd screwed up back then, and I had the same feeling now, although I did absolutely nowthing wrong.
But I supposed it could be worse. At least I didn't have to wear my uniform. No matter wheter I liked it or not, I had to be there. The work wasn't even hard, neither phisically nor mentally exhausting. I just had to throw all the plants out and make sure all the roots were gone.
Sonya Karp-Tanner came to visit me once in between, shaking her head in exasperation to what she saw. She was a spirit user as well, and her favorite part of using her element was dealing with plants. She asked me what I was doing there as well, and I somehow dodged my way out with some made-up answer. She saw right through me, but didn't say anything.
But Adrian, who showed up later, was a harder nut to crack. Partly because he knew me better, but mostly because he knew exactly the reason I was there.
"Seriously? You're just gonna deal with this?" he asked me, tilting his head. As if I was hurting him personally. What else did I have left to do?
"I don't see what choice do I have," I replied and pulled another flower out with a strong pull. I think they were peonies, but they didn't look much like anything anymore. They were completely withered.
"Well, you could be with a girl you love more than the world, doing the thing you've always dreamed to do for living, be as happy as a person can, and make her happy as well, but no," Adrian said with an annoyingly long emphasis on the "no". He was surprisingly straightforward today.
"You know I can't do that. Why are you even here?"
He rolled his eyes dramatically while I pulled another flower out. Who even had the time to plant that many flowers?
"I'm here to change your mind. Thought that was clear."
"Well, I thought it was clear I'm not changing my mind!" I exclaimed standing up. I gave up on getting my work done as long as he was here. "Doesn't she know you're doing this? Where is she anyway?"
"Who?" he asked, although I saw it in his face he knew who I was talking about very well. He probably only wanted me to say her name.
"Jill, fo goodness's sake!" I exclaimed. I was slowly but definetly losing my mind.
"Oh, she's in Detroit, visiting her parents. She's really worn out after eversthing that's happened to her lately," he replied, looking me straight in the eye while the saying the last sentance. As if his words weren't meaningful enough alone.
"Stop staring at me like that. Your eyes bother me," I muttered. His eyes were an impossibly intense shade of green, just like... Jill's. I sighed.
"I think I know what's bothering you," he laughed. "And Jill doesn't know we're having this conversation right now because I'm blocking myself from her."
"Won't she ask you why?" I asked. He nodded, his face reflecting he thought this through. He didn't do that often, and I could be quite sure he wouldn't do that for one conversation.
"If she does, I'll tell her I'm doing it because of spirit effects. Not much of a plan, I know. She'll probably think I'm up to something. But in three weeks I'll have a decent excuse. I'm also blocking myself from her because we're throwing her a surprise sweet sixteen party."
"Oh," I said numbly. I wasn't able to say any more. This was all news to me. A week ago I'd be the first in line to participate.
"Yeah, while we're at it, you're invited," Adrian told me, completely indifferent for my shock. He probably thought I deserved it. He was right if he did.
"If you want to be invited, of course, which I doubt," he added. "27th, 6pm."
I was about to reply, although I didn't know how, but an unexpected - although I should've learned to expect everything with Adrian - change of subject saved me.
"Why are you doing this, really? When you love her more than you'll ever love yourself and miss her with all your heart?"
"Exactly because I love her. I want her to be safe! What does it help me to keep an eye on her if that eye's distracted with her beauty?"
I told him the first reason that came to my mind, but I literally had a response for for any argument they could give me. There was a problem for any solution. There was just no way I could be with Jill.
"You want to not love her to keep her safe, and now she won't let you keep her safe because you refuse to love her. Do you realize that?" Adrian asked. He said the words so swiftly and cunningly I didn't even understand him. My blank expression probably told him that. "If you want to keep her safe, how are you going to do that with her trying to avoid you?"
"That is very mean, and a very good point," I said glumly. Adrian smirked.
"Think about that. And the party. I'll talk to you as soon as I think of more very good points," he said and left.
I sat on the ground, lost in thoughts. So Jill ran away to Detroit. Ran away from me. Was it that hard for her to be around me? Did... Did she hate me?
I gazed around the large garden around me. I didn't even see the end of it at at some points, and the others ended with the Court wall. Eventually my look hit the bucket half filled with the removed flowers. I got back to work with a sigh. They really gave me an important job, no kidding.
I was stuck doing it for another two days before I was done. They passed quite quickly, which was a relief, because I could hardly think of a more boring thing to do. Unfortunately I stopped doing it because I was done, not because I'd get something better to do. The guardians didn't have a new job for me, especially since the summer holidays began not long ago and the new guardians, who had just passed their trials, arrived to Court and were now a part of the Royal Army until they got their charges. That would happen to me last year if it wasn't for the thousand things that went wrong. But hey, I still wasn't the one that ended up in prison, so I probably have nothing to complain about.
I knew I'd be stuck in my apartment for a few more days, and I decided to take them at ease. I couldn't remember the last time I did that, if ever.
Now I slept late, probably because I spent most of the nights tossing and turning in bed. I ate whenever I was hungry, which wasn't often. Our gang mostly had meals together in that one Court cafeteria we all kind of loved, but I doubt I joined them twice in those days. I felt like they were all mad at me for what I did to Jill. I sometimes got just as mad at myself, and I was on the verge of changing my mind a few times. Luckily she was away, so reality hit me again before I could make my position even worse.
But I felt like all of my friends were on her side, and sometimes I wondered if they were really my friends or hers. Did they only put up with me because I was her guardian? I knew the preparations for the party were at full strike, and maybe they just didn't want to push me. Adrian left me alone for now, and I still had no idea whether to attend the party or not. I didn't even think about it.
The only thing I really still did was work out in the gym. I knew my freedom wouldn't last long, and maybe that was for the best. I wanted to be just as ready as ever. I also kept working out because whenever I wasn't, I was just slouching around the Court or my apartment.
One day I randomly ran into a congratulations card on a dusty shelf. I knew it had to be there for a while, because I forgot what it was. I picked it up curious and opened it. A very lousy version of the graduation music filled the room. It suddenly hit me where the card came from.
I grew up in a dhampir commune as my mother's first child. She wasn't even eighteen when I was born. I was just an accident. Well, I was born anyways and she resorted to the dhampir commune in Colorado where I spent the first four years of my life. She got a job that took most of her time, so she could barely take care of me. My grandmother lived with us and used to babysit me, but she had some kind of accident when I was four. She was on a wheelchair ever since and I moved to St. Vladimir's Academy. I met Rose, Mason and dosens of other friends there. Everything was fine in my life. I had nothing to complain about and I was happy. I spent the holidays in the commune every year in middle school, but was more or less out on my limb. My mom still had that job.
When I was eight, I once got there and learned that I have a baby brother. And yet, I didn't get to see my mother much that year. The next year Mason invited me to come home with him for the holidays. I agreed and was impressed over how bonded his family was, even though in a commune too, and how nicely they accepted me. I went with him every year from then on and hadn't seen my mother since. We were never close, but we grew even further apart.
I knew she had to send me away and I didn't blame her one bit. But I still didn't know a thing about her and basically didn't know her. It's easier to imagine just how distanced our relationship was if I just recall the event that happened a while ago, when I had to fill in a form and one of the blank spaces demanded her name. I actually had to think for a minute to fill it in. I literally forgot my mother's name. Now at least I knew her name was Melanie.
The card I was holding right now was the one she sent me for graduation. I was a bit surprised and even confused to recieve it, after ten years of zero contact. Then I turned happy she remembered. I could've failed my trials, but I didn't want to be that hairsplitting. I wanted to reply or even visit again. But somehow, it never got to that. I always forgot.
Now that card was in my hand again. And I felt like it was the time to do something about that. Maybe I should at least call. I hadn't heard from her her in so long it wasn't healthy anymore. A spark of positvity ran through my veins after a long time. Maybe we weren't close, but who said we couldn't be? And I wanted to meet my brother! I wanted to know a bit more about who I am.
Most of all, I had no duties whatsoever lately. Not real ones. No priorities. Jill was the only one, and I guess I failed that. She fired me. Kind of. I needed something to take my mind off of her. My actual family seemed like the perfect choice.
After a few minutes of just standing there frozen a sudden urge got into me. I dropped the card and frantically started looking for a phone book. I probably would've found it sooner if I wasn't that swift. It made me sloppy.
It took me a few minutes of mad search with no results before I realized that even after all those years, I still probably have my own mother in my contacts. I took my phone out of my pocket (I always had it with me) and looked for her number. With fingers crossed she hadn't changed it, I took a deep breath and dialed.
"Hello?" a female voice answered almost immediately. I was dumbfounded at the sound of it. I recognised it promptly and it drove me right back to the time I barely remembered anymore. I must've been very little, but I still recalled the voice so very well.
"Hi... Mom? It's- it's me, Eddie," I stuttered, sounding more insecure than I liked. But I had no idea what to say! How would she even react? Would she be upset to hear from me after ten years? Would she be happy? The answer was sad: I didn't know her well enough to know. I had no idea how to take the silence on the other side of the line.
"Eddie?" she asked after a few agonizingly long seconds. She sounded surprised. Which made sense. Then she laughed in the histeric way that also sounded really glad. In that moment I knew it wasn't a mistake to call her. "Wow, I can't believe it! I haven't heard from you in so long!"
"I know," I chuckled. I was a bit touched by her response. "And I'm really sorry about that."
Ten thousand questions about my life followed, and I responded to all patiently. It wasn't hard to after she told me how much she'd been thinking about me. I told her what happened with the congratulations card, and she told me a few bit about how things were at home as well. It was shocking how easily we got along after all those years, as if we never distanced away. The only thing I didn't know how to react to was when she asked me if I'd come to visit.
"I'd love to," I said carefully. I was telling the truth. After hearing her voice and talking to her, I began to feel homesick. The last time I'd felt like that was when I was four.
"But I can't do that right now," I continued. The other side was silent. "Things are a bit, er, complicated and I have no idea when I'll be needed at work." I refused to get into details. "As soon as everything gets more stable, I promise I'll come around."
"It's about time," she chuckled, making me feel a pang of guilt. But I liked it a lot that she didn't ask too many questions.
We talked for quite a while, because frankly, we just had a lot to say to each other. And I had to admit I felt a lot better in the evening. I didn't even mention my Jill problems to her, but I still felt like a weight rolled off my shoulders.
A phone call woke me up early the next morning. The caller's ID didn't entirely surprise me. Sydney once told me only Alchemists wake people up in the middle of the night. She was either wrong, or Hans Croft did a very good job of hiding a golden tattoo on his cheek. He was the one to call, of course. He even admitted he'd completely forgotten that I was on tap. Now I was on fence duty that afternoon.
I could've swore it was like the guardians were waiting for me to solve out my personal issues and then called me up for work. The day they called me up was also the day Jill came back from Detroit. Not that it affected my life in any way.
Not much went on in the next few days. I was always doing something, but nothing really interesting. Fence duty, gardening (again), carrying 'heavy' things and more boring stuff like that. I never saw Jill and I barely ever had contact with people, except for guardians. I missed my friends. All of them. But I didn't have the courage to face them. Not with Jill there. And while we're at it, I, of course, missed her most of all. Even though I shouldn't.
With all the boredom, it was a welcome change to hear my work would change after two or three weeks. One of the guardians in higher positions told me that the next day I'd be, with some other guardians, attending some luxurious royal dinner. Not as a guest of course. There were always a few guardians at things like this, for securety. I did this a lot the summer before. The position most reminded of an armed doorkeeper. I was kind of looking forward to breaking the routine.
That is, until I got there and the guests started to come. Jill was one of them, and when I saw Lissa and Adrian with her, I knew with no doubt that it was no coincidence I got this position tonight.
My main priority was still to be good guardian and consequently keep her safe, so I kept my gaze in every direction possible - exceot hers. I got so very nervous I didn't even dare to look at her. This was the first 'contact' we'd had in weeks, and the one before wasn't exactly full of love and harmony. Besides the fact that she was hurt, I had no idea whatsoever how she felt about me now. I was only sure she was coming to talk to me sooner or later.
And yet, I still winced when I heard steps coming my way, echoing on the expensive shiny parquet. I exhaled deeply and looked up with great hesitation. To my surprise, the person coming my way was Adrian, not Jill. A part of me was really relieved, but I think mostly dismay was written all over my face. Adrian, mischieviously smirking at me already, noticed it in a moment.
"Hey Castile, how you doing?" he asked innocently.
"As if you don't know," I said with a scowl on my face. He tilted his head.
"And why is that?" he wondered, pretending to gaze into the distance. I narrowed my eyes.
"You know that even better."
"Well, just imagine, only a few words could change that-" I felt another elaborate about my stupidity coming up, and I interruped him quickly: "I honestly think it's too late to change anything right now."
"It wouldn't be if you only tried," Adrian remarked.
"I won't!" I yelled a lot louder than intended. A few gazes turned into our direction, but the laughter and conversations coming from other tables mostly covered my outburst.
"Why the heck not? Can you tell me, once and for all, why is it so hard for you to make her happy?" Adrian hissed. He didn't go as far as I did, but it surprised me how upset he seemed.
"Because..." And then I realized the most obvious reason, the one I convinced myself most it was true, didn't work on Adrian. Actually, it didn't work on anyone. I would've choked with guilt if anything happened to Jill, even if it wasn't really my fault, but like everyone I knew, I also didn't think quite as much that I'd slack off because of loving her. It was true, I loved her now already. So I had to go with reason no. 2: "Because everyone would judge us! I've faced judging before in my life, and it wasn't nice. I don't want that again, and I want it for her even less. She's a princess - a Moroi princess - and I'm a dhampir. Don't you see those royals? Don't you see the way they kill with looks, throw words like blades... I can't stand that every day."
I was careful to keep my voice low, because I really didn't want to attract any looks. I'd felt like everyone's blaming me already after Mason's death. After (barely) getting over that, it would kill me to be the only thing ruining Jill's perfect royal image. She really was perfect... Without me.
Without realizing it, I dropped my gaze while speaking. I didn't have many fears, but to make up for it, the ones I had were that much harder to face. When I looked back up, Adrian was staring at me with a blank look. It felt like he was judging me already. I hunched under his scrutiny.
"No one would judge you," he said. My guilt suddenly faded and I rose my eyebrows.
"Everyone would judge me," I corrected. "And... And they'd be right. I'm not royal. I can't. I'm not worth her."
"You still think she deserves a prince, don't you?" I nodded. Adrian sighed. "What she deserves is happiness. Would you rather have her safe and with dignity or whatever it is that you elaborated on before, or have her happy and actually have her? You know what she'd pick if you gave her a choice!"
"She can be happy without me," I saud quietly.
"Are you sure?" Adrian asked. "Just look at her."
I carefully turned my head into Jill's direction, afraid of eyecontact again. But there was no fear, because her gaze was on the floor. Lissa was trying to talk to her, but she wasn't very eager to respond. I knew she must've been unconfortable in the middle of all those royals. She knew how mean and scheming they could be. But that's how she spent the whole last summer. I knew it wasn't enough to make her this miserable, especially with Lissa and Adrian here. Did I really do this to her?
"And where did you even get the idea that you're less worth than we are?" Adrian demanded.
"Well..." I said with a high-pitched voice, the kind that made it obvious there was a story behind this. And according to Adrian's expression, he was ready to compel it out of me if I wouldn't be willing to tell it myself. "You probably know I already had a crush on Jill last summer, when she became my charge." His face confirmed that he knew it well. "You're not the only one who noticed. Remember that Blake Lazar guy?"
"Ugh," Adrian replied. I agreed with that very short, but very specific opinion.
"So, he was once around in one of the events like this one, and caught me, um, staring at Jill. I think he said 'You just watch until she finds a prince like her. You know she'll end up with a guy like that, right?'. I know what he was talking about. Jill may not know it yet, but she'll realize it some day and I'll just save her the work," I sighed.
"Oh, come on!" Adrian exclaimed. "The only thing Blake Lazar was ever right about was that our very own Queen is a pleasure to look at."
"Well, he might have been wrong, but all royals think like that," I stated. Adrian threw his hands up in exasperation. I think we were equally annoyed with each other.
"That's not true! That's like... Come on, have you seen the Moroi who still judge Christian?"
I think I heard someone gossip about him just ten minutes ago.
"Yes, Adrian, I've seen every Moroi ever," I retorted. And I couldn't even tell him how afraid I was of being the target of that gossiping.
"Okay, I could theoretically be insulted now. And so could Jill be! Look, not all royals are mean and full of judgment. It's just... The bad ones are more flashy." He realized the absurdness of the last sentance almost immediately: "Oh, what am I even saying, I married a human and Lissa's the Queen..."
My look wandered off back to Jill while Adrian was trying to think of another argument that would've worked better on me. I was glad he worried about Jill so much.
"Just... Think about that, okay?" he said agitated. "And let me know if you change your mind. Or better, let Jill know. And come to the party."
Adrian left after those words, but he stayed in my sight because I couldn't move my gaze from Jill. She never noticed in her misery. I'd felt down over the past days, but it seemed she took what happened between us in a worse way than I did.
My mind was stuck on Jill days after the dinner. My schedule included a few more of those, but she didn't attend any. Or maybe she was just in a different hall. Anyway, the picture of the shadow over her face was burned into my brain, and guilt haunted me day and night. Would you rather have her safe or happy?
Soon I couldn't do it anymore, and some night I decided I have to see her. I joined my friends for breakfast the next day with no clear intention in my mind, only to see her, to... I had no idea what.
"Well, would you look at that," said Rose as I crossed the door of the cafeteria. "What brought you around?" "I just, um, wanted to... I don't really know. Make sure she's okay," I said with a shrug. I realized how weird that could've come out, but looking around the table, I realized she wasn't even there. "Where is she even?"
"She hasn't been coming to breakfasts since she came from Detroit," Lissa said with a sad smile crossing her features. "I think she... Sleeps?"
"Yup, she sleeps late," Adrian confirmed. I didn't know if they talked about it, or if the bond was working both ways now...? What I mostly realized was how alike we really were. I too slept late while I was free.
"Did you change your mind?" Adrian asked me immediately. I shook my head. I was decided now. There was no way I was letting go of the decision I was holding onto for so long.
"Come on, Eddie, you gotta do something already!" Rose exclaimed.
"But... them first," I uttered. Such short words, but they were a reason Rose could get better than anyone else I knew, one that put a great danger on her relationship with Dimitri in the past. Maybe no one else behind the table understood, but Rose did.
"Fuck it. She's one of them," she pointed out. So my words didn't hit as much understanding as I'd hoped.
"Well, yeah... technically. But it's different. You know it. Not only that I have to protect her and I expect that from myself, others expect that from me too. You know that." The old Rose, the one I knew before Palm Springs, would agree by now.
"Are you freaking serious? Who cares what they think?" she exclaimed. Well, I guess Court life does change a few things. And it was a lot like Rose - and everyone else by the table - to not care what anyone else thinks. I honestly didn't know why I still found myself caring.
"I know, I know, you guys don't... But I do. I'm sorry, I just can't stand the judging. They judge me, I judge myself even more," I sighed. Rose gave me the look that told me I'm not making sense. I got that look a lot recently.
"That is the most fucked up policy I've ever heard. You're not afraid of a bunch of Strigoi trying to kill you, but you freak out over spoiled royals who only judge others because they're too afraid to judge themselves because their lives are totally fucked up and they don't want to admit it."
She gave me this whole speech in one breath, painfully reminding me of Jill. I couldn't escape her! Except that Rose swore a little more.
"You're the one to talk," Dimitri jumped in. "Eating squirrels terrifies you more than Strigoi do." I laughed at that. Yup, I could easily imagine Rose's problems with questionable food. Even though she did once put ketchup on a taco.
"I'm sorry, squirrels are delicious," said Angeline. I couldn't help thinking this conversation kind of lost its reccurent theme.
"Anyway..." Rose said. Her expression told the the idea of eating squirrels alone made her nausious. "If you care what royals think so much, shouldn't you put Jill first of all of them?"
Her attempt to make sense out of my poor confused mind would amuse me if the situation was any different. Too bad she wasn't on debate team in highschool. It was also funny how from Adrian alone my and Jill's relationship suddenly became everyone's problem.
"No, she's different. She doesn't really belong into the picture of those spoiled royals. She doesn't even want to be one," I said, starting to dream about her already. A few annoyed looks around the table woke me up to quickly correct myself: "I mean, of course Lissa and Christian and Adrian are different that those jerks too, but Jill... She's a story for herself. She's completely innocent in this, she..."
"And did you consider by doing what you do you're hurting that innocent girl who's a story for herself?" Rose asked, cutting me off.
"You guys just don't get it," I sighed. Without saying anything else, I left the cafeteria. My steps were fast and decisive, and I was quite angry. Why couldn't they all just leave me alone? And Adrian, why did he have to start this? What right did he have to give me relationship advice?
He'd always done that, in Palm Springs already. He demanded a number of times to get my act together and just ask Jill out, before she even knew anything. And then, when I started to date Angeline, he always told me that I can't date her if I still have feelings for Jill. I think he saw a reflection of what Rose did to him in those events.
Although thinking back at those events , the thing with Angeline really didn't end well. Could it be that Adrian - along with everyone else - was right in this case as well?
I slowed my pace down as that thought hit me, but just for a second. No! I couldn't just let it all go and leave everything, all my principles and all I believed was good behind me just to run into her arms.
Before I knew it, I found myself on the outer staircase of Jill's building. Without even knowing it, my feet brought me there. I groaned and sat on one of the stairs. As I looked into the distance, I saw a familiar figure coming towards me. Sydney's blond hair was floating behind her and shining in the setting sun as she hurried up the few stairs that separated us.
"I get it," she said as she sat next to me. "I know what it's like to have your heart and your mind in a war, to resist everything you've ever been taught, but it's no use."
I leaned my head on her shoulder. That was exactly how I felt, yes. But she didn't get it, not even Sydney. Everyone compared me and Jill to her and Adrian. Because Sydney and I supposingly had the same reasons to avoid the inevitable. Except that Sydney's reasons were only a part of my own.
I didn't even completely know myself. All I actually realized was that what I'd thrown into Jill were excuses. True ones, but not completely the point. What I guess was the truth... was everything that's been told to all young guardians during their training. It wasn't as strict as with the Alchemists... but I also wasn't as strong of a character as Sydney. From what I've heard, she probably got it from her mother. I had nowhere to get it from. I did what I was told. I wasn't the partying type. If I let anyone down, I let myself down. I couldn't forgive myself. Of course, I liked to have fun, but it wasn't in front of my duties. And I had to keep some distance. The last person that completely got me was Mason. He was really my best friend, and straight from childhood, we shared everything we had. Which wasn't much, but that's why it meant so much more. He was like my brother. I let him close. And we all know what'd happened. The next person that got me because, well, we were so alike and because she was basically my sister, was Sydney. I let her down as well. I let the Alchemists take her, and I still haven't forgiven myself for that.
And now, Jill... she was everything to me, my whole world. She was so high, so far from me, but I still felt like we shared a soul. I've never felt a connection like that before... and it scared the heck out of me. More than loving her, I was afraid of letting her down. Of blewing this off as well. Of hurting her. Of dissapointing her. I've only had girlfriends for fun, mostly in the time when I was more open and carefree. Then the thing with Mason happened, and I promised myself to let our principale lead me more than ever.
Them first. I suppose Rose heard the same thing and was influinced the same... but I wasn't Rose. The thing with Angeline also didn't help the matters; it sobered me up again. And I've already learned one thing; when I blow up, I blow up big time. Jill, she was already so much more in all the meanings of the word, how horribly could I possibly hurt her? Did loving her more automatically lead to ending in a bigger disaster?
But no matter how right of a thing my brain was telling me I'm doing, it still just didn't feel right. I was told a million times that life never gives you a challenge you can't defeat. Why did life keep tourturing me with Jill then? I could clearly avoid it, you can stop now, you know?
When I was with her, I felt better than I ever have before. I felt like we belong together, and I was incomplete without her. I missed her. Those were thing thst were the last thing on my mind before I met her. Life wasn't meant for us to suffer and regret, was it? I always assumed that as a guardian, I'd spend my life protecting. No family, no life. That's why I tried to live it up while I was young. When it ended in a disaster, I assumed it was time to grow up. But maybe I just wasn't meant for what life made me. Things in the world were changing now...
No! I quickly snapped out of that thought. My heart was just convincing me into the easier way, into what I wanted. But everyone telling you to follow your heart was just saying bullshit. When I wanted to hunt for strigoi, I was following my heart. It brought me into nearly death.
Except, a small voice told me, dating a princess who already loves you is a bit of a more realistic dream than hunting for strigoi. And it's something you're a bit more qualified to do than you were to hunt back then.
That was true... But even if that happened, what could I ever offer to Jill? I didn't really have skills to be a good boyfriend, and I was even worse at royal stuff. I was the last thing she deserved. She was so much better.
Even if I found a way out of that, there were ten thousand other reasons why I couldn't be with her. I should just. Give. It. Up.
"No, Sydney, you don't get it," I sighed.
"Of course, no one can get completely what's going on inside your head. That's science," she chuckled. "But you can always know I won't judge you for this."
"You know, I keep finding myself on the verge of changing my mind, but I always realize what's right in the last moment," I said.
"Well, maybe if we all think so, even your mind occasionally, maybe, maybe you should change your mind," Sydney chuckled. "If Dimitri and Adrian agree on something, then it must be true."
She was just as twisted as the rest of them. What was up with her and her husband that they messed with my love life so much?
I gave some kind of a forced laugh. "Isn't it funny how far we'd come? From Strigoi attacks, assassins, fighting back to the Alchemists and vampire hunters, to the point where the most important problem to discuss is my love life."
I felt nostalgic thinking back of those days. It felt downright reassuring to know how free we really were now. Something was even funnier; back then, though the danger and the rush that busy life brought, I was somehow incomparably less miserable than now, when the only trouble in my life came from missing Jill.
Sydney must've realized I didn't really find the situation all that funny from my face. "So, does that mean you'll consider it again?" she asked pleadingly.
"No!" I exclaimed.

Days dragged on with nothing big enough to remember. Adrian, along with the reast of the crew, kept on perisistingly convincing me to be with Jill, whom I still never saw. The first interesting event in what felt like years actually happened while was on fence duty.
"Eddie?" a surprised voice behind me asked. I turned around and met a well known face back from my highschool days. It was Meredith, one of the novices in my class at St. Vladimir's. We were quite good friends back then, although never as close as me and Rose.
Meredith told me she was a part of the army as well until she'd leave in autumn. It was probably a coincidence that Hans put us into a patrol together. I felt as though Lissa told him to isolate me.
We agreed we have to meet sometime soon, as long as we were both at Court. Guardian life can be, as I learned, quite unpredictable. And I was eager to spend a little time with Meredith, one of the rare people I knew who wouldn't nag me about the in-love-with-a-princess drama in my life. Mostly because she didn't know about it.
"Tomorrow?" I asked. She shook her head, looking more sorry than she should feel. "I'm working in the morning, and then going to Jill Mastrano's birthday party."
"That's tomorrow?!" I exclaimed. Time ran ahead of me while I was complaining about how slow it goes. I wasn't really going to go anyway.
The next day I got from my shift at about 5 pm. I'd been fixing some old fence all day long. The job was quite phisically exhausting, and I went into the shower the moment I stepped through my apartment's door. The clothes I'd worn that morning were no use anymore. I was about to go straight to bed after the shower, especially since I was starting at 4 am the next day, but my phone stopped me from doing that. The caller's ID told me it was Meredith.
"Aren't you coming to the party?" she asked the moment I answered. It took me a few seconds to recover from the shock. Even though my life wasn't exactly normal, I was still used to phone calls starting properly.
"I wasn't going to, why?" I replied slowly.
"You misssed the 'SURPRISE!'."
I chuckled.
"And I don't know many people here," Meredith continued. "I don't want to be stuck here all alone."
"Alright," I sighed. Wasn't I kind, swallowing my pride for her?
Also, it would be a good idea to see if Jill was doing okay after how sad she was. That was all for her sake, none for mine. There was no reason whatsoever for the smile drawing over my face.
I quickly put the first clothes I saw on, jeans and a T-shirt, and walked out the door. I had a knot in my stomach, rising higher and higher to my throat the closer I was to the building the party was held at. It would be a shame if I met Jill and spoiled the surprise... Although Meredith told me she was already there.
Before I knew it, I found myself at the entrance of the smallest hall in the building. From the laughing and talking echoing from it, I knew I was in the right place. I felt like I'm about to explode with anxiety. I shouldn't be this nervous.
"Here we go," I told myself and pushed the doorknob.
I saw Jill immediately. Just like on that dnner, she was impossible to miss. She was lost in the middle of the crowd, talking to a girl I didn't know, and she stood out, she stood out big time. I don't think she'd ever been that beautiful before, not even in that dress she'd gone on that date with Luke in. But I could've sworn she had been trying to kill me with that dress.
"Eddie?"
It was Christian's voice that pulled me out of my thoughts and admiration. This was the second time in two days someone was surprised to see me. Except Christian didn's seem as pleased.
"Come on, she'll accept you," he saud with a misterious grin oh his face and ushered me closer to Jill. I watched her walk towards me when they told her to, not very eagerly. She didn't even notice it was me she was going towards, she was too caught up in the conversation with the unknown girl.
Then her eyes met me and the smile on her face dissapeared immediately, an expression of pure shock replaced it. But I'm not one to talk about the feelings on her face, because I couldn't move my gaze from her eyes.
Green, so very green. So very beautiful. Now that I got a closer look, she really did look like a princess tonight. But not the stuck up kind she was afraid to become, more like the Disney ones that were supposed to be perfect. Except that she was more beautiful - and she was perfect for real.
Of course she was perfect, it was her birthday and today was all about her. I - an intruder - ruined it. Suddenly I was sorry I came. My arrival erased a smile immediately, but she should smile, because it made her that more beautiful. And I couldn't stand being the one responsible for her misery.
It was her birthday. She shouldn't be sad.
"Happy birthday," I said quietly. I wanted to say so much more than that. I wanted to wish her to be as happy as a person can be, cause it's all I really wanted too. I wanted to wish her to forget about me, even thought she'd always be my whole life. She didn't deserve this. I wanted to tell her I miss her more than the world, the cute cute self of her she was that couldn't help but bring a smile on your face because she was so adorable. I missed her scent. She always smelled so nice; a little bit of lemon and a little bit of Jill. It was amazing. She took my breath away. I couldn't explain it, I could only stand there and admire her.
Watching emotions shade on her face like a rainbow, I had a feeling she was thinking the same. I knew she missed me, us, our friendship.
Also, watching her like that, I wanted to kiss her once more. Or ten thousand times more. But it felt so wrong! Guilt and longing inside me were threathing to tear me apart.
The silence in the air during my internal war was a bit awkward, but I could do nothing to break it. I'd said my part, it was her turn to reply. And I was too stuck in my mind to come back to reality.
"Thanks. And thanks for coming," Jill finally said. A huge smile played on her face. Something told me this was the first moment in a while she was sincerly happy. And if I talked about beauty before... I was a sucker for her smile. It made my knees weak.
Jill left soon, and I just stood there for a while like the idiot I was. Then the cake arrived, which I took as a reason to find myself a seat. My eyes looked for Meredith, since she was the one that made me come in the first place. To my dismay she was already sitting by a full table, so I found some random chair by a table with some random people I didn't know.
Everyone in the room was dancing and having a good time, except for me, party breaker, being miserable again. I distracted myself with watching the dancefloor. To my surprise, Smoking Blue, the band from Pentisuala, was responsible for the music. They were good, I suppose, but I never liked that Luke guy. I guess I was just jelous.
My friends were a funny sight to see. They were dancing like crazy, switching partners every five minutes, with Jill as the Queen of them, although she was techincally a princess. Trey and Angeline were once again locked onto each other. I never knew they made up.
Seeing them all dance reminded me of an event a bit more than a year ago, in our last days at St. Vladimir's. I barely knew Jill back then. Our only communication was due to our mutual friendship with Rose and I didn't really pay her much attention. I wasn't even with them very often.
Then, somewhere in April or maybe May, a school dance was held at the academy. I went there and danced with a few girls, had a blast and so on. Rose was there with Adrian (whom she was dating back then), but I knew she wasn't really into things like that. They both only came because they were trying to get Lissa and Christian back together. They were broken up in that time.
Anyhow, sometime late the slow songs started. Jill was dancing with Christian, Adrian and Rose were together and I talked to Lissa who sat next to me. Then, after a few songs, Rose came to dance with me and Adrian danced with Lissa. I remembered dancing with Rose was actually very emotional, because it brought memories of Mason back to both of us. Meanwhile, Lissa almost slapped Adrian in the face a few times.
Especially when he called over to Christian if he wants to switch partners. For the next song, he actually danced with Jill and pushed Lissa towards Christian, but she came to me just to avoid him. Rose (who ended up dancing with Christian) and Adrian made some signal conversation through the whole song and Rose drove Christian towards me to tell me to dance the next song with Jill. I agreed just because, and hurried over to her when the song was over. She already knew what's going on, so she didn't mind. Adrian and Rose were also back together, so by all the sounds of logic and the laws of physics, Lissa and Christian should end up dancing too. But they rather decided to sit on the bench.
Meanwhile, I talked to Jill. For the first time in my life, really. She told me she had a crush on Adrian (although it was kind of obvious back then) and that he promised her one more song later in normal circumstances. We could also talk like we did now, just the two of us, we had a connection. And it was already like our bodies match and are made for each other. The song was over too soon.
Then everything went back to normal, and Rose even teased me about how I liked Jill the next day. I laughed along, but the picture of those big jade green eyes placed perfectly on her innocent face was already burned into my brain forever.
Back in the present, Jill's eyes met me for real. Just for a second, then I dropped my gaze. My nostalgic face probably didn't look very happy, and a hint of sadness went over her face. After a too short second I was stuck to just watching her from afar again.
"Hey," I heard behind me. It was Meredith.
"You like to sneak behind my back, don't you?" I teased, chasing the memories and bitterness away. She laughed.
"Finally made my way through the crowd. Let's find some place to sit together. Or should we go for a spin first?" she asked. She didn't have to tell me twice. It wasn't hard to get tired of such an awkward position and thinking why I even came. I gallantly took her to the dancefloor, where we stayed until our feet started to hurt. There were some wild parties in highschool, where it was hard not to learn how to dance.
Then, both of us exhausted, we went into search for some seats. It just so happened that the only free spaces were at a table behind the one Jill and our friends placed themselves at. And I happened to overhear some conversation.
"Oh, I took her to Ambrose this afternoon," Rose said proudly, refering to Jill.
"Mhm," said Jill with her voice overly-excited. I didn't like Ambrose whatever-his-last-name-was very much. I could've gotten over the fact that he was a dhampir not wanting to be a guardian, but I couldn't forgive being a male blood whore. And he didn't seem to care much about age of his, erm, lovers. Wheter they were much older or much younger. I didn't think it was good that Jill liked him. He could've used her.
Not that it was any of my bussiness.
Meredith was eyeing me curiosly. I realized how rude I'd been.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I quickly apologized, trying to put Jill out of my mind. "Let's sit down." We were just standing there awkwardly until then.
But before we could do anything, I couldn't skip one of Jill's remarks: "-my hair, Ambrose is dusturbingly attractive."
I recognised her tone immediately. It was like that remark was meant for me. This was exactly the kind of things she'd been doing during our vacation to make me jelous. Now she was trying to get over me by throwing herself on a guy she was only phisically attracted to. The fact that she was getting over me alone stung me in the way it shouldn't.
Well, two can play that game!
"Actually," I said, deciding to be a gentleman.I pulled a chair out for Meredith to sit on, but I accidentally dropped it on the floor. It hit the ground with what sounded to me like the loudest pang I'd ever heard.
Meredith laughed out loud and I think I blushed. Well, maybe two can play that game, but I'm certinately not one of the two. "I am so sorry," I said quietly. Meredith only stroke her hand helplessly, unable to say anthing more due to the laughter shaking her body. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this ashamed.
Although my lack of gentleman skill only strengtened me in my belief that I'd have nothing to offer to Jill, Meredith didn't seem to mind. We spent the rest of the party together. Our plan to meet out of bussiness kind of fell flat, so it surprised me a bit when we met a few days later. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if we met, but the first thing she told me was that she'd been looking for me. Why would she do it after I blew up so greatly?
You know, maybe not everyone in the world is as stern to you as you are to yourself, a voice inside my head told me. That voice had been remarkably loud lately.
"I told you I'm leaving in autumn, but things kind of changed," Meredith told me. "My charge, Jane Drozdov, is leaving to a human college tomorrow and I'm going with her. So I wanted to say goodbye." She put on a smile, but it had a bitter taste. I didn't know if she wasn't happy about leaving or if she'd really miss me. I liked her, but we weren't that close.
"Oh," I blurted. I had no idea how to react. Should I hug her, or...
Meredith solved that problem for me: "I also want to tell you that... I like you. A lot. For a while." She blushed and dropped her gaze while I stared blankly in surprise. Alright, maybe that only add up to the difficulty of my position. If that was still possible, of course.
She, another unexpected action, stepped on her fingers and kissed me. For a moment I just stood there awkwardly, then I returned the kiss. I had nothing to lose, I was single, right? And if Jill could throw herself at other guys, why couldn't I kiss a girl back?
Why did it make me feel so guilty?
The kiss was nice, gentle and sweet like a bar of chocolate. But, well, if it was a bar of chocolate, then kissing Jill was a chocolate fountain. With Meredith, I felt almost nothing. She read that from my eyes when she moved away. She flashed me another sad smile. "Don't worry," she said. "I knew you don't feel the same. But I had to try."
She turned around and left quickly, while I was like glued to the ground. I still felt guilty, for both Jill and Meredith. But... The dhampir knew well what she was doing. It looked like she wanted to leave things this way. There wasn't much chance we'd ever see each other again.

I don't know how, but no matter what job the guardians gave me, Adrian always somehow managed to track me down. He had Sydney with him this time. I knew quite well by now what to expect.
"Really? A team-up? Haven't I heard enough of this already?" I sighed. Sydney chuckled quietly.
"Have you chaged your mind?" Adrian asked, his voice telling me he didn't think so.
"No!" I groaned.
"Then no, you haven't heard enough of this," he decleared. "We aren't giving up," Sydney added. Their harmony would've been adorable if they were a little less annoying. I always wondered if they had arguments ready ahead or if they were just winging it.
"Have you thought about everything at least? Do you have any more decent reasons?" Adrian asked. I wondered would he give me a break if I started to elaborate on the reasons I'd been thinking about the day Sydney came after me from the cafeteria.
"Anything?" Adrian asked. I didn't want to expose all of my weaknesses. I felt too vunerable already. I scratched through my mind desperately to find something to say.
"Sydney, didn't you say you won't judge me the other day?" I finally said accusingly. "Why are you tourturing me like this?"
Sydney coughed in outrage. "I'm judging you? You still can't see we're all trying to help you?" I was one of the rare people who knew her well enough to sense a pinch of guilt under those words.
It was ridiculous how we all refused to just speak what we really thought.
Adrian, noticing his wife's uneasiness, repeated: "Anything? Anything at all?"
I remained silent.
"We're not leaving until you say something." Adrian crossed his arms over his chest.
"Why? I know you love her, but don't you care about me that little bit to let it go when you see I won't change my mind and this only makes me feel worse? Why are you all on her side? Don't you see I'm trying to do good for her?" I exclaimed. I didn't mean to explode again and I was sorry immediately. It was irresponsible from a guardian to focus only on his own emotions. I was losing control lately.
"Eddie, please!" Adrian shouted. My words didn't leave him cold as well. But he was allowed to freak out. I took a deep breath to stop myself from it.
"Do you have any idea how agonizing it is to know someone loves you, but they just won't admit it and let it he because of reasons that couldn't be more ridiculous?"
His words were so sincere it looked like they came right from his heart, not Jill's. Did they have that deep of a conversation? Could he read all of that from an aura? The only thing I noticed was that she was sad.
"I'm sorry, okay?!" Sydney exclaimed. I suddenly realized Adrian's words actually were coming from his own experience. I didn't know the whole story behind their relationship, but it was clear he just revealed another part of it.
"Yeah... Maybe I get a bit too into reliving the past..." Adrian said.
"You think?" Sydney scoffed.
I turned around in order to get back to work as they started to kiss, when Adrian started to speak again: "Anyhow, don't let her have my past... It's the last thing I want for her. I really don't want her to end up like me. I brought her back to life because I wwanted her to live, but.. Not my life. Well, she can live they way I do right now, because my life is freaking awesome, but the way I lived before... I didn't even live for real! Please don't let that happen to her."
"I guess it's my turn for a spill of emotions?" I asked. Sydney and Adrian both nodded. Adrian'd spoken with that serious voice people always get when they tell something hurtful, but he already looked perfectly fine now.
I exhaled and dealed with the fact that I'd have to uncover my soul for them. More or less.
"I feel like I have nothing to offer her!" I exclaimed. Sydney glanced at me surprised and Adrian's look told me I was repeating myself.
"Yes, now she wants to be with me and doesn't realize how much less I really am, but some day she will notice. I wouldn't even be a good boyfriend for her. I'd just mess everything up and dissapoint her. I don't really care what everyone else thinks about me - well, maybe a little bit. What I'm afraid of is that when Jill realizes what I'm really like and how very nothing I am, she'll leave me. I couldn't survive that," I said, my voice cracking. "Yes, I love her, yes, I want her," I chuckled, "But I'm too afraid. I've never let fear control me before, but this just scares the heck out of me and I think I'm out of control."
Sydney and Adrian were watching me with blank looks, both of them dumbfounded. No, they didn't expect something like that from someone like me.
"Eddie, that's not-" Sydney began, but Adrian cut her off: "No, Sage, let it go." Those weren't words we heard Adrian say very often. "He'll find a new problem every time we find a solution. He needs to realize alone. You've been thinking quite a lot about this, huh?" he asked, looking at me. I nodded. "Well, think a little more. You have a point, but there's more to realize. I just hope it hits you before she leaves."
I had no idea what he meant, I saw no solution from my problem - except for avoiding Jill. My friends left me alone after that. I once passed the cafeteria by in the morning and noticet Jill was there again, so I didn't dare to join them either. With Meredith gone as well, I was damn lonely. It hurt me so bad every single day that I couldn't be next to Jill, that she wasn't even near, but I just didn't dare to see her.
It once hit me that maybe I'm too proud to admit I'm wrong. But I wasn't, I'd go beg her forgiveness in a moment if I saw a way. Deep inside, no matter my doubts, I was still convinced it's wrong for us to be together. She would've realized it soon and dumped me.

There wasn't a single thing the Court didn't have. A supermarket - a dosen of them, actually - wasn't an exception. I mostly ate at the cafeteria, because it was cheap and the clock was always ticking on duty, but now I had time over my head. I started to cook for myself and the supermarkets were a very welcome factor with that.
One of the people making use of that same supermarket was Mia Rinaldi. Or so I assumed when I once met her shopping for eggs. I had to admit I was delighted to see her. She was a Moroi, but not a royal and not at all conceited. Not anymore. Mia was also there when Mason died. It brought us a lot closer, but it's been a very long time since we last actually talked. I visited her in the beginning of the summer with Jill and Neil, but we never got a chance for a little conversation. She invited me to her place, which I gladly accepted after I took my groceries home.
Mia served me some ice crem - it was becoming a tradition - and told me everything I'd missed. She showed me some of her magic moves I immediately thought Jill would be thrilled to see.
"Hey, can you show me some fighting moves? I've practised a lot with guardians, but I'm afraid they're not taking it as seriously as I'd like. They're too gentle with me. They still think I'm weak," she said with a pout.
I agreed to train her a bit. That pout made her even more like a doll, with her chubby cheeks and blond curls. And her attitue reminded me of Jill a lot. I couldn't deny her of anything. We moved the furniture to the side a bit and began. It wasn't hard, especially since Mia was a quick study.
I even had the time to let my mind fly away every once in a while. To Jill, of course. I gave this up to her! It felt wrong, guilt was haunting me again. It was the most common emotion I felt lately. At least Neil told me he's going to train her when we sat together on our flight from Pentisuala. I never found out if he stood by his promise.
I think Mia saw something was bothering me. She noticed I wasn't as focused as I should be and after I showed her a move to ruin your enemy's balance, she used it on me and nailed me to the floor.
"Ah, defeated," I sighed with a smile on my face. Her face said the small win delighted her, especially since I didn't go easy on her. I managed to shake off the oppressive thoughts and focused again. Once I did that, we made a true party out of that training.
"I should probably get going," I told Mia after two hours or so of practise. Actually, I wouldn't even really call it practise because of how much fun we had during it.
"No, why? I think Jill and Christian are coming over later, but you can still stay," she said.
Jill? Jill was coming? I hadn't seen her since the party. It didn't feel like it because she was always in the corner of my mind. But I wanted to see how she was doing. If she felt any better. She definetly looked better at the party.
And even if I hated to admit it, I kind of wanted to pay her back for the Ambrose comments and all the other things that happened on vacation. She fired me, and although I guess I was the one pushing her away, I felt like my pride was forcing me to show her I'll be just fine without her. If she saw me with Mia, especially during fight practise, she might think...
It suddenly hit me how desperate I am.
And yet, I waited, every minute dragging on like eternity.
Then, a knock on the door. My heart raced out of my chest. I dug my nails into my palms to calm it down and watched Mia open up. It was Christian and Jill, of course.
My desperate plan was working. An expression of shock drew on Jill's beautiful face. She gasped quietly, then quickly flashed a smile with her cheeks blushing. She was so beautiful and adorable and perfect it suddenly made me like the world's biggest jerk for wanting to hurt her on purpuse. The fact that I succeeded killed me even more.
I knew I have to get out of there. "Hey, Mia, I'm gonna go now, I said quickly. "Hi, guys." I sneaked through the door and closed it behind me. Then I leaned on it with my back, my heart pounding and my face burning. What the heck was I doing?
I didn't have much time to calm down. Mia told me Christian and Jill were coming so they could practise fighting with magic together. That meant they were leaving her apartment, and my department wouldn't be very efficent if I just ran into them a minute after leaving. So I left the building, walking in the opposite direction of the meadow that I knew was their regual fighting spot.
After it felt like I was far enough from Jill, I wandered the Court's large gardens aimlessly, lost in thoughts about how wrong everything went. I didn't have anything else to do.
After what could be minutes or hours, I heard a racket coming from the palace. From behind it, to be precise. Even though it was a palace, there was a huge parking lot behind it. It was only meant for the cars of councilors, the palace's permanent residents and important guests, but it was still always full.
A small limousine stopped in the driveway, letting a boy my age or a bit younger walk out of it. He was Moroi, tall and brown-haired, wearing expensive-looking clothes, and I'd seen him before. He must've been a royal, because there was no other way he'd have access to this parking lot, even if the driver couldn't park because of the crowd.
And speaking of crowd, a bunch of people were standing there, staring at the poor boy with huge eyes. I wished I knew where I'd seen him before. He seemed important.
I didn't realize just how very important he was until I saw Rose and Lissa rushing out of the palace towards him. Even the always-so-busy Queen had interest in him. Who the heck was he? I couldn't ask neither Lissa nor Rose, because they were both already swallowed by the crowd.
I saw my chance to find out when Adrian neared the crowd. We hadn't spoken since he promised not to involve into my love life anymore. I didn't know if he was mad at me or anything, but I didn't care. I was curious.
"What's going on? Who is this guy?" I asked. Adrian eyed me surprised for a second.
"He's Reed Lazar," he replied.
"Reed Lazar?" I repeated in disbelief. It couldn't be true. Reed Lazar had lost his mind. The last time I heard, he was in a mental hospital.
"The guy who-" Adrian continued, noticing my confusion, but I cut him off: "Okay, I know who Reed Lazar is. But how is he here? How us that possible?"
"That's kind of what I've come to find out. I'll let you know if I do."
He dissappeared in the crowd as well, joining Rose and Lissa who were with no doubt the ones who let him know what's going on.
More and more people were joining the crowd. That included Christian, Mia and, of course, Jill. The bond seemed to be working. Christian and Jill found their way towards Reed, while Mia joined me standing by the side.
"I'm not really a crowd person," she told me. I smiled, glad I wasn't alone. We didn't talk much, we were mostly just watching what was going on. I couldn't hear words, but Jill looked very close to Reed. It made me so very jelous again, I didn't even know how did she do it every single time. She'd talked about the events with Reed and Avery once, she hadn't had a very positive impression about him back then, he was even agressive to her once. But she had also told me it wasn't his fault, it was all Avery's. And now he was here, perfectly fine, obviously sweet to her, making the blood in my veins boil.
"Jesse's coming," Mia said with her voice happier than I'd heard it all day. Her words hit me like a cold shower. I suddenly remembered she'd mentioned earlier this summer that she was dating Jesse Zeklos. That toppled all my attempts to make Jill jelous. I don't even know why that hurt me so much, when I'd decided it was wrong. Maybe because I'd made an even bigger fool out of myself than I'd thought.
Jesse, confirming Mia's words, arrived a few minutes after she'd announced it. Mia squealed with happiness and threw herself into his arms. He picked her up and spunn her around, both of them laughing. I felt stakes of pain piercing my heart when I though that could've been Jill and me.
Maybe it was an instinct, maybe I wanted to avoid the hurtful sight and rest my eyes on something beutiful, but my gaze looked for Jill. She was watching me as well. I craved for that look in that moment, I needed it. I just wanted to rush towards her and hold her next to me, to beg her forgivness and have her mine.
She looked away instantly. Like she subconsiously wanted me to keep the promise I'd given to myself. It worked; it sobered me up. I sighed. What did just get over me? Again? I had no idea it'd be this hard.

The next days were a tourture. She was the only thing on my mind, every attempt to forget her was in vain. I changed my mind every day. Mostly when I was at work. Thankfully, I always said later. That way I didn't get a chance to do anything and regret it later. Reason always reached me a few minutes after the longing won me over. I was counting down days until her departure. I knew it wouldn't get better. But at least she'd be out of my reach then.
I craved for her every minute, but I couldn't be more happy we never met. I loved her with my body, heart and soul, but I hated what she did to me. What I did to her. I was so confused, but I saw it all so cleaely. Jill looked happier than before when I saw her, but I'd never hit the ground harder. I just wanted it to be over already.
My work was my only sanctuary. I still believed in what we did, even if it robbed me a life with her. They come first. It doesn't matter who they are in this case.
The harder I worked, the better I liked it. It took more energy and my mind only had one focus. I didn't like pruning, for example. It was easy and I thought about Jill while doing it. I especially didn't like pruning in the rain. I of course had to do it on one of the rare rainy days in the hot summer. It didn't pick up my mood.
My shifts were arranged very strangely. There were days when I barely worked, but today I had to stand in the rain for hours. It was late afternoon, and I didn't even get lunch yet. Hans told me to work until I'm done. After thinking about it at least ten times, I decided it was impossible to read wheter this guy likes you or not.
And so, I was standing there in the rain, pruning trees, when I heard steps coming my way. I put my head up and my eyes almost fell out. I let go of the gardening scissors I'd been using to get a better look. The person walking towards me was wearing an oversized jacked and had a hood over her head. And either I was seeing things, or it was Jill.
"Jill?" I asked. I was quite sure it wasn't her, because she couldn't go anywhere else than towards me in this direction and I was sure she didn't come to me. But it seemed so like her that I just had to ask. Who else could it be? I'd recognise her in a crowd of people from a mile away.
The figure gave a barely visible nod and pulled a light brown curl od hair from under the hood. I chuckled. Yes, it was definetly Jill. Excitement mixed with fear swelled over me. It was the feeling I recently always seemed to get around her.
"You're not actually going to work in this weather, are you?" she asked me in a tone that let me know she isn't going to allow it.
I shrugged. "Well, I have to get it done. That's what my supervisors told me." She didn't have to know about Hans's changing opinion about me.
Jill rolled her eyes. "Okay, tell your supervisors that the Dragomir princess told you to get home and dry yourself before you freeze," she commanded. I almost laughed, for the first time in a while. Even when we couldn't be further apart, she was still the best thing that had ever happened to me, always saving me like this.
"Alright, if you say so," I said amused. "Thanks." She smiled, turned around and began to walk back in the direction she came from. The rain was so violent you couldn't see ten feet ahead of you. I'd never admit it, but I was very happy I could escape these conditions. The princess's order was quite an excuse, and although I'd never admit it, I was happy to escape the cold and the rain. I was sorry I didn't bring a jacket. Or diving equipment, with all the rain leaking into my eyes.

A few days or weeks (I lost track of time) later I felt this was going to stay the last time we'd met. Ever. I hadn't seen her since, and it was the day before her department. It was killing me, but I had no excuse to meet her. I certinately wouldn't do it without an excuse.
Then the not-completely-unexpected happened. Adrian almost broke my door pounding it. When I opened up, his expression told me he came for another 'intervention' despite his promise.
"I know I said I'd stop, but hear this out," he said. I crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm afraid you won't realize it. Not in time. For what I know, you've loved her since forever. You've always been waiting for a chance with her. Now you've got it, and you won't take it? Let me tell you something: you'll never get over her. And she'll never get over you as well. You won't find someone else, because if a girl who loves you and gets you scares the heck out of you, how will you ever be with someone else? You'll always wonder 'What if...?' But she will find someone. There are candidates gathering all around her already, I'm sure you've noticed. You've got plenty of girls around you as well, but you're pushing them all away. Jill won't, as soon as she convinces herself she's over you. Maybe you'll even get to be her guardian again when that happens."
"But then I'll be stuck watching her for the rest of my life with whoever's my replacement, dying in the process," I guessed. Adrian nodded.
"Or you'll never see her again," he added.
We both awkwardly stood in silence considering that thought for a few seconds.
"Look, she's leaving tomorrow." As if I didn't know that. "She misses you wildly, and I know you miss her too. Just... Gosh, you're killing both of you! At least go see her and say goodbye to her in a decent way, don't you think she deserves that?"
"I can't just go there and..." I sighed, then a memory hit me. "Wait, I think I left some stuff in her room, I need to go pick that up anyway."
Adrian's face lit up. Sometimes I got the feeling that he took my relationship with Jill for a personal project or something like that. "Okay, good, go. Go! Right now. Bye! Go!" he said, pushing me out the door. I shook my head in disbelief but kept walking towards Jill's building anyway. The day was coming to an end and I didn't have forever.
As I was walking the hall her room was at the end of, I heard her voice. Just like her face, I'd recognise it in a crowd of thousands. But it sounded like she was singing. I'd never heard her sing before. With no reason, I rushed towards the door with sudden excitment and opened it up. I was sure she's wince at the sound, but she didn't.
Actually, I think I faced the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen in my life. Jill was leaning on her window shelf, only showing me her back, singing the lyrics: "...so close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten..."
She took a break as the chorus was over, and I gasped with a realization in that same moment, startling her so that she turned around. But I didn't care that she caught me in a creepy stalker-ish position, because the lyrics of her song reached into my heart, as if they spoke right to me. While her angle-like voice reached directly into my soul. How come she'd never sang before, when she could do it so well? How come I didn't know it?
I forgot about that quickly, because the song's message still shocked me. But honestly, it was exactly what I'd been waiting for.
"Sorry, I... I shouldn't have... It was awful, I... I just had to."
Jill's big green eyes were looking at me desperately. I couldn't let her think her singing wasn't good! I... She... I didn't even have the words to tell her!
"No, Jill, don't feel bad. It was beautiful. It's like you were meant to sing..." I breathed. Better said, she just gave me all the answers I needed in my life in the most beautiful way possible.
I had been afraid of the pain she'd cause me if she ever break up with me, especially because of my social position. But now I realized I was in much more pain for holding myself away from her. And so was she. A pretty bad plan for making her happy, right? But I always claimed her happiness was all I ever wanted.
And no one said we have to be together forever! I should enjoy the present while it lasted. I should be with her, the girl I love, the girl who loves me. If she dumps me later, that's okay. I could say I tried. No 'What if...?'
I'd talked about protecting her, about being a good guardian. But was I really one? Recently, I'd been doing nothing except for feeling sorry for myself, drowning in my own suffering without her. It would be much efficent to protect my girlfriend, the only thing I crave and love, the one I'd actually do anything for.
And after all, it was my life! I should live it, it wouldn't last forever. Jill was probably one of the rare charges I could get that would let me. And it's not like I wanted anyone else. You have to feel your life now and live it... You have to trust your instincts. They'd never let me down before... And they also told me about danger anytime it was around.
Who cares about royals, they can't feel what I feel! I loved Jill and that was all that mattered.
Of course she would be the one to let me know of all that I could have but was rejecting.
Jill's gaze was still on mine and I realized I'd been staring at her for a few minutes blankly. I suddenly felt extatic, hyperactive, but I had no idea what to do. Panic swelled over me. What do you do in a position like this!?
"Sorry, I'm out," I quickly chuckled and set towards the door. After I closed it, I realized I haven't yet fullfilled the actual reason I came: I didn't get my things.
Well, I also didn't say goodbye, but after what just happened, I was sure we'd see each other again.
So I walked back in.
"Right, I was here because I need to get my things before you leave," I told her and opened the closet I knew they were in. Actually, there was nothing else in there.
I looked at Jill while leaving the room. It occured to me that since she was the girl I wanted to be with, it might would have been a wise idea to say something. In that moment I bumped into the door frame, almost dropping my things in the process.
"Bye," I quickly blurted, promising myself I'd come back.
But it turned out I had no idea what to do. I couldn't just go there and say "Hey, Jill, I know we barely spoke for a month and a half and I know I've been a complete jerk to you, but after you sang a song, I realized I actually love you, so please don't go back to the academy and stay with me."
So a few minutes later after the revealation of my life I found myself in front of Adrian's door. He seemed surprised.
"Please, block yourself from Jill," was the first thing I said.
"Done," he replied. "What happened?"
"Your were right. All of you," I said. My enthusiasm still didn't fade.
"About...?"
"Yes!"
Adrian stared at me in disbelief. I could barely believe it was true as well. I felt as light as a feather and I loved her so much...
"What changed your mind?"
"Huh?" I asked. "Oh. Her! She sang this song..."
"Okay, I don't even wanna know," Adrian stopped me laughing. "What did she say? Why didn't I get ten thousand texts?"
"I, uh..." How did I find myself in sucha weird position? "I haven't told her yet."
"Wait, so let me get this straight. She was there when you changed your mind. And you haven't told her?"
"Well, it doesn't make sense when you say it like that," I wavered. "I couldn't even think! I don't know how to tell her!"
"Wait, first. Are you sure about this now?"
I nodded.
"Well fuck, get yours together and we go!" he exclaimed. I was completely in a mood to colaborate, but Sydney stopped us. I didn't even know where she came from. I was really off my guard.
"Hold on, guys, you can't do that."
"Oh, really?" Adrian sighed in exasperation. "Now that he changed his mind, you're against it?"
"I'm not against it," Sydney argued. "But you can't break a girl's heart, leave it broken for a month and then just expect her to take you back! You gotta do something big, flashy, romantic!"
"Actually, I think she will take him back," Adrian replied. "I mean, remember us? You broke my heart, and I was the one who did something big, flashy, romantic!"
"Well, I paid for the fondue! And I generally make you food!"
"So, what, I do the romantic and you make the food?"
"That's what we've always done."
"Sounds good."
I usually found their pickering for nothing annoying or adorable, but this time I didn't even mind it. No matter what they came up with, I'd end up with Jill once and for all!
Right?
Wait. I suddenly realized Sydney was right. Who said she'd take me back? I left her hanging for a month, she could already be all over someone new, like Luke or Ambrose or Reed Lazar. What was I thinking to just let everything go? I couldn't do this! No!

So? What now? Did he just change his mind? Again? Could Eddie be any more confusing? Wait and find out…

As hard as it was, I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I loved the change. I hope you enjoyed reading it as well. For the next chapter, I'm going back to Jill, starting where the last chapter finished. I hope and think I'll be done with it quite soon, although I think it'll be a bit shorter than the rest. But who knows, I thought I won't have enough material for a chapter while planning this one ;)

I might write another chapter in Eddie' POV later, depends on the responses i get for this one. So pleae, review and let me know if you'd like that!