I'm not sure how long I sat there, pressed against the door of my opulent prison and staining the silks of my black dress, but as time passed I knew that I had to move. It was silent behind my doors, the others having retreated to their rooms perhaps hours beforehand, and I could sense the emptiness of the apartment beyond. Silently I rose from the floor and wiped at my face, brushing away the salty trails left by my tears. Slipping out of the black heels Prema had given me, I padded across the soft carpets to a line of closets set into the far wall of the room and started going through them in the dark. I grabbed the first things that felt like a pair of cotton pants and shirt, drawing them out as I hastily unhooked the clasp at the back of my dress. The black silk fell down around me with a rustling whisper and I kicked it away, completely disregarding Prema's wishes for me to keep it "as immaculate as possible." Oops.
About to dress, I caught a glimpse of someone standing right beside me, a girl who wore nothing at all and had flaming red hair that stood out against ghostly pale skin. A strangled gasp escaped my lips as I tripped over myself to get away and I pressed a shaking hand to my mouth to keep from making another sound. The stranger did the exact same thing and then we stood there, staring into each other's eyes, hers a deep stormy blue that were rimmed read from crying. My hand dropped when I saw her eyes and the realization of who I was gazing at suddenly hit me like a brick wall, the intensity of it knocking the air from my lungs in a huff. It was a mirror set into the closet door. I was staring at myself...But it couldn't be me. Tentatively I stepped towards my reflection tugging at a curling lock of hair that was not my own and tracing out the difference in features on my face. I looked thinner and no longer possessed the round cheeks from my childhood that I had learned to accept. My nose was straighter and perfectly set over velvet lips that were at that moment pulled down into a frown. The only thing that resembled who I was were my eyes which thoroughly reflected the shock and disgust I felt over my transformation.
"They did such a marvellous job, didn't they? She is almost unrecognizable and yet they will know that it is her. They will know, because they will see it in her eyes..."
The words came unbidden to my mind and when they did they brought with them a solid weight that settled on my body and left an unsavoury taste in my mouth. They had changed me. No, they had changed the way I looked, but they had not changed who I was. Yet. whispered a nasty voice that dwelled in the back of my mind. Terrified by this thought, I shoved it away and turned my back on my reflection as I quickly dressed and slammed the door shut with a foot. That wasn't going to happen. I wouldn't let them turn me into something I was not.
Tying on a loose robe I had found next to the king sized bed, I crossed to the door and cautiously reached for the handle, keeping an eye on the wristband that portrayed my anxious heartbeat. In one swift movement I turned the handle and yanked open the door so that I stared into the dark hallway beyond. Nothing happened. Steeling myself, I stepped out from the room and again waited for the sound of an alarm or the mind numbing shock of my bracelet. So far I wasn't quivering in a heap and the apartment was completely silent, the stillness broken only by the eerie chime of an unseen clock announcing the hour. It was more than I could ask for and I quickly darted from the room, the flowing fabric of my robe flapping at my heals as I rounded the corner to the floor's elevator.
I caught hold of the seam in the elevator's doors and tried to wiggle my fingers between them so that I might pry them open. A hopeless act, but at the moment I was desperate and there wasn't a button in sight that would allow me to operate the elevator. The doors wouldn't budge and eventually I gave up, resting my forehead against the steel surface and blowing on my inflamed fingers which throbbed from the failed effort to force open the doors. There was a whirring sound to my right and I looked up into the lengthening lens of a camera perched at the top corner of the elevator. Briefly, I contemplated flipping off those who watched me and was only stopped by the slightest of sparks that was emitted from my bracelet. The tiny jolt was a clear message from the ones who trapped me in the faux Panem. We are always watching you.
Scowling darkly, I headed back through the apartment, pausing momentarily at several windows to gaze out at the brilliant city below and trying any door I came to for some way out. So far no door would open and as time passed, I could feel my frustrations building inside my chest like a quiet flame waiting to turn into a roaring blaze. Not yet. I told myself, turning down a long hall and skipping up a short flight of stairs. There's still a chance.
I grasped at the handle of the single door at the top of the stairs and slowly turned it, by now assuming that it would be just like all the others. Locked. I barely believed it when the handle easily turned all the way down instead of half way and my heart picked up a beat as I prepared to throw my weight against the door. With a heavy breath, I pushed forward and ran through the open doorway from the force I had used, letting go of the door as I passed so that it slammed back on the smooth walls of the outside building. Bright light blinded me for just a half second before my eyes slowly adjusted and I looked out on the short balcony which stood hundreds of feet above the bustling Capitol shining below. A light breeze caused my robe to flap around me and I caught the scent of something warm drifting in the night sky, like it was humidity layered with an unfamiliar spice. Plants twisted into unique forms and heavy with strange fruit were placed around the stone edges of the balcony, providing an exotic barrier that was only cut short at the wall directly before me.
Running up to the very edge of the balcony, I stepped onto the raised wall and reached a hand out to a night sky that had been robbed of its stars by the blazing lights of the city. My arm wasn't even fully extended when my fingers pressed against an invisible force field that emitted a pulse when I made contact with it. My head dipped and I felt my frustrations quickly grow to anger, the fire burning a hole in my chest and drawing my hands into fists. Trapped. I was trapped again and there was nothing I could do about it. What was worse was that just a few stories below me was my younger brother who I couldn't even contact for fear that they might find out and kill us. Of course weren't they already going to do that? Wasn't this just our holding pens where we could wait in comfort for our slaughter?
Anger flared inside me and I jerked my head up, slamming my fist into the invisible wall holding me captive, an enraged cry escaping my lips. Instantly I was thrown back from the ledge and I landed at the base of a tree three feet away, my impact knocking down several round fruit. In a resentful daze, I glared up at the shield which had erupted into a thousand white spider web cracks that raced up and around a dome like lightning. The shield settled down within seconds and resumed its translucent appearance which only managed to irritate me further. Unwittingly my fingers wrapped around the rough surface of a fallen fruit and I stood up from the tree to hurl it at the invisible force field. The round fruit connected with the shield and immediately bounced back into my hand. Without even pausing I threw the fruit again and once more caught it before repeating the act. Effortlessly catching the fruit for the sixth time, I gave it an extra spin, feeling a joyless release as the shield let out an angry buzzing and lit up the night sky. However, the spin tossed the fruit far out beyond my reach and I turned to watch it bounce, roll, and land in the hands of Ronen who stood just past the balcony's open door. The young man straightened from his crouch, thoughtfully surveying the bruised surface of my abused fruit. Without a word or warning he threw the makeshift ball in my direction with a force that completely took me by surprise. Flinching away from the missile, I barely caught it with both my hands and I took a step back to keep from falling off balance.
"Nice catch." He commented with a mild interest. Slowly he came forward, circling me ever slightly as his dark eyes traced out my panting form.
I scowled, turning so that I would always face him. "What are you doing here?"
A simpering smile twisted his lips and he brushed part of my hair back as he walked around. "I have always been here." Ronen replied, his voice husky. "You were just too busy to notice what was right under your noise." He reached to brush my nose to demonstrate, but pulled back with a dark amusement when slapped at his hand. "The question should really be, what are you doing here, Emma?"
"I just wanted some fresh air." I replied curtly, walking out from his circle to toss the fruit at the shield again. "I was feeling confined."
"Liar." Ronen caught the fruit on its return before I even had a chance to grab for it. "You were looking for a way out."
"Well, wouldn't you?" I questioned, desperation leaking into my voice.
"What makes you think I haven't already tried?" He threw the fruit, caught it, and handed it to me. "Trust me, every tribute in the last eight years has come out for some "fresh air" and we're no different. We just have to accept it and move on."
I stared at the fruit, my anger suddenly deserting me. "I can't accept it." I whispered, thinking of how silly it was discussing a game that should have never existed with someone I couldn't tell that there was another world beyond Panem. "Because I'm afraid that as soon as I do, I'll no longer know who I am. They can't just take my identity and replace it with one of theirs."
"Why not?" murmured Ronen. "They've already done it with eight Hunger Games champions. So what makes you think that they can't change you?"
I felt the heaviness of my words being lost on the young man who could not know of my awful secret existance. He couldn't know what I truly meant by them and maybe that was a good thing. They were always watching. I let the fruit fall from my fingers and roll down my pant legs to the ground where it released a trail of dark juice all the way to the balcony wall. I stared at the trail for a moment, watching the lights flicker along its length and bitterly imagining it be a line of blood. How long would it be until I was staring at my own blood?
Sullenly I turned away and went back inside, vaguely aware of Ronen gliding quietly by my side. In that moment I was resigned to the fact that I was trapped with no way out, but soon it would be a new day and there could be so many chances to slip away in the training arena.