Chapter Forty-Two: In Loving Memory

Thanks for all you've done. I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone. You still live in me
I feel you in the wind, you guide me constantly
I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting and I'll come home
And I miss your face, smiling down on me.
~AlterBridge

She stared at herself in the long full length mirror. A lace black dress that hung straight and slightly grabbed her curves was all she wore. It as in came right above her knees and her legs were hugged by black lace stockings. Nilin slipped her feet in to a pair of charcoal heels. A slight touch of eye liner and massacre on her eyes was the only makeup she had put on that morning. Her hair was back into a bun with braids wrapped around it and her bangs lightly laying on her forehead.

Nilly ran her hands down the front of the dress, smoothing it out as she let out an unsteady breath. As she stood in front of the mirror, there was a knock on her door. "Come in," she answered quietly. Elena popped her head in, wearing something similar to Nilly, minus the stockings. Her dress was more flowing, with a higher neck line than Nilly's. Her hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail that hung down her back.

Elena gave her a soft smile as she walked towards Nilin. "Are you ready?" Elena asked.

Nilly nodded slightly. "Almost," she answered, trying to shove something into her purse. It wouldn't fit though, the bag was to small and she had too much crap. Nilin started to get frustrated as the index cards she was trying to fit in there were becoming crumbled. She let a a noise of frustration before Elena could walk over to her and take them out of her hands.

"Nil," she said, wrangling the cards out of Nilin's fist. "Nil, here. Let me do it," she insisted and finally Nilin gave up. Elena managed to slide everything in quiet easily. Then she wrapped her arms around Nilly. "It's going to be okay," she whispered to her sister. Nilin just nodded on Elena's shoulder. Elena pulled away and gave Nilin a small smile. She handed Nilin back her purse and then took her hand, leading her out of the door.

The day was calm, an eerie feeling had fallen over the town. The skies were perfectly clear, and the sun shined brightly above the gathered group of people. Nilly had wanted the funeral outside, not in some stuffy church, where she'd surely have a panic attack. So now people were showing up at the Mystic Cemetery, traditionally clothed in black. There were rows of chairs set up, she sat alone in the front. A pathway led down the middle, splitting the into two. Wreaths of white and red flowers were place everywhere. Nilly held the petal of a white rose between her fingers as she starred ahead.

In front of her, behind a podium that had been set up, was a dark mahogany casket. On top of the closed lid sat a beautiful bouquet of red roses, tied with a white ribbon. Nilly counted the petals on each rose as more people began to sit. The front row remained empty though, other than her.

So many people had shown up, practically then entire town. Even Mayor Lockwood himself sat with his wife and Tyler among the crowd. Nilly had spotted Caroline and her mother as well, as they went up to talk to Elena and Jenna. They stood towards the back of the last row of chairs, along with Mildred and Jeremy. The four of them solemnly greeted people, shaking their hands, nodding their heads as others took their seats. Some people came up to Nilly, placing a hand on her shoulder and mumbling condolences. She'd just nod and continue to count.

Finally everyone took their seats, Elena on one side of her, Jenna on the other. A silence grew as the ceremony start. The priest began, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for though are with me…" There were words of remembrance, prayers for the lost, and the little spew at the end about how we should continue with our lives.

Nilly kept her head down for most of it, her one hand toying with then end of her dress the other clasped in Elena's. Each sniffle, every soft sob, every pained noise pushed Nilly closer to breaking. Finally it came her turn to speak. Elena reluctantly released Nilly's hand and watched her like a hawk as she stood.

Nilly walked up and stood behind the podium, smoothing out the note cards she has been holding on to. She read over the words and then look up from them, meeting the blood shot, smeared eyes of many. Coughing awkwardly she began to recite what she had written, but stopped.

Glancing back down at the podium, she spoke. "I had written down what I wanted to say," she began slowly. "But now that I look at this, I realize this isn't what I'm feeling at all." She crumbled the note cards back in her hands and lifted her head up.

"My father, he- he was one of the most caring men I ever knew. That's why he became a lawyer, to help people. Whether it was to defend someone who had been wrongfully accused or bring someone else to justice, he did everything he could." Nilly spoke strong, but she could feel the build up of tears behind her eyes.

"He loved with his entire heart, and he also hurt with his entire heart as well. My father never got over my mother's death. He lost connection to the world when she died, she had kept him grounded. And I find it ironic he died of a heart attack, it's as if he had died of a broken heart. I'd like people to think of his passing like that.

"The last time I saw my dad he told me everything was going to be fine, and I was selfish enough to believe him. I was selfish for wanting to come back to Mystic Falls and not stay in that town for longer than I had to. I blamed myself. I knew if I had stayed, this might not have happened. But then I realized that he wanted me back here just as much as I did. He needed me to be home, so he had convinced me to leave him. Now I see that it was his way of trying to repay for all the years he wasn't fully there with me." She felt her lip began to quiver as she quickly wiped a tear off her cheek. Nilly's eyes scanned the people in front of her. They all were watching her, some even had tears running down their faces.

"There are so many things I want to say to him, so much I want to tell him. I want to yell and scream at him, but at the same time I just to hug him and make him tell me all those stupid scary stories he used to tell me and my cousins about when we were little." Nilly saw Elena and Jeremy's lips twitch up in a smile and she couldn't help but mimic them.

"He used to tell us about the things that go bump in the night, about lurking vampires and vicious werewolves that we had to watch out for. And the older I got, the more I would roll my eyes at them, and at him. I never realized how much I'd miss those stories. The last few years have been shaky, but I always expected that he'd be there to ride it out with me." She couldn't help the tears now as they slightly blurred her vision.

"I sometimes believe that us Gilberts are cursed. It's the only reason I can fathom why we've lost so much. And now we've lost another one, Jack Gilbert." Nilly choked out slightly. "Why it had to be him? I don't know. My dad has suffered enough, and even though it means I have to go on suffering, he has finally found peace. I know he's watching me right now, with that goofy proud grin he used to have when I accomplished something. And I know my mothers there too, healthy and glowing with her arms around him while she makes fun of the extra pounds he's put on." Nilly said, smiling through the tears. She noticed others with the same expression as her. All smiling with tears in their eyes because they knew she was right.

"And of course my Uncle Grayson, forever being that older protective brother defending my dad as well as cracking a joke and poking his own fun. While my Aunt Miranda just shakes her head at the both of them, I can practically hear her calling them five year olds," she laughed slightly. "That's the way I want to picture them. At this point, it's the only way I can. People say everything happens for a reason, but its getting harder for me to believe that. And I know I'll never understand why they were taken away from us, but they were. Now were left here to pick up where they left off.

"If I could say one more thing to my dad, it would be that I love him, that I understand and I forgive him for everything." Nilly voice was strained, this was the most she had spoken in days. "I know I'll see them again. Whether it be in the near future or 60 years from now, I'll see them again. Until then though, I guess I'll just have to keep moving on." Nilly finished her voice still strong but she felt exhausted now, as if the speech had aged her ten years. She heard a slow clapping start as Nilly nodded and went to go back to her seat. She stopped for a moment, and placed her hand on the smooth wooden casket as tears escaped her eyes. She gave a lopsided smile to it before she wipe a tear off her seat and returned to Elena.

Nilin had reached the final stage of grief: Acceptance.

Nilin was drained, she could barely hold it together. Today had taken everything she could, mentally and physically. She gripped the roses in her hands, while each arm was locked around Elena and Jeremy. Nilly took a shaky breath as they all watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. She heard the noises of mourning behind her as she held on to four roses. Everyone was gathered now around the six foot deep grave.

As it finally settled to the bottom, Nilly let of a sob she had been holding in. Her bangs fell in her face, hiding her eyes. She slowly unlinked her arms from her family and walked up to the hole. Spinning one of the roses in her hand, she peered at it through hazy eyes. Her fingers released it as it fell silently on the casket below. Then she bent down, crouching slightly and scoped a handful of dirt and watched it crumble into the hole as well. It stained her palm faintly with a dusty brown color.

Nilly felt a hand on her back. As she stood up, Elena bent down and copied Nilly's motions, dropping a fistful of dirt into the chasm. Nilly walked over to the grave adjacent to her father's and crouched in front of it. She placed a single red rose under her mother's headstone as tears dripped off her chin. Standing up, she brushed past her mother's grave to her aunt and uncle's, repeating the pattern. Finally she stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. Jeremy came over to her, pulling her into a hug as she silently cried on his shoulder. He led her over to the others, keeping a firm arm around her. Elena came on the other side leaning her head on Nilin, tears escaping her eyes as well.

That's when Nilin spotted Stefan. He had a pained look on his face as he watched Elena. Nilly nudged her sister and pointed in Stefan's direction. A sad smile came across both of their faces. Elena squeezed Nilly once more before she made her way over to him.

"Hey." Nilly heard him say solemnly as he took Elena in his arms. Nilly ignored the feeling in her chest as she leaned on Jeremy more, closing her eyes. She couldn't muster up the energy to look for Damon, but really she didn't think she could handle it if he wasn't there. So she just kept her eyes close and listened to the murmurs of condolences around her.

Nilly could feel her hands shaking slightly, and her uneven breaths were becoming more obvious. She began to feel lightheaded as her lungs shuddered for enough air. Nilly tired taking in a deep breath but it felt as if something was blocking her throat. This wasn't good. She felt Jeremy's grip on her tighten and she opened her eyes.

He met her panic-struck eyes and called out, "Elena!" Quickly his arms were replaced with Elena's. Nilly wheezed out a breath, gripping Elena's shoulder.

"Look at me, Nilin," she demanded. Nilly's eyes focused as another gasp escaped her lips. "Breath," she said slowly but just as urgently. Elena's hand rubbed up and down Nilly's arms evenly. Other people around were starting to notice her panic attack. Jenna and Mildred came up, surrounding either side of Nilly as she began to sway slightly. Elena was holding most of Nilin's weight now as she struggled.

"I'm fine." Nilly managed to say. "I'm fine." Slowly, the crowd around her began to disperse as her breathing evened. A shade of flustered red touched her cheeks, embarrassed at what people had just witness that.

Elena kept a firm arm around Nilly, glancing at her in the corner of her eye. Nilly focused on her breathing as she peered down into the grave once again. Her chest was still sore, but there was no longer pressure in her throat.

"Let's go," Elena said softly. Nilly nodded as she took one last look at the grave. They began to make their way out of the cemetery when two people caught Nilin's eye. A small smile touched her lips as she pulled away from Elena and made her way over to the two girls.

"Hey," Nilly said softly and immediately Shellie wrapped her arms around Nilly's neck. Suddenly she was gripping Nilly's face with her slim fingers, shaking her slightly.

"You are amazing, okay? You are the strongest person I know!" she gushed, hugging Nilly again. She couldn't help but laugh a little, and it felt good too. Shellie had on a long black dress that flowed to the floor, it hand thin straps and made her look super tall. Long gold earrings hung from her ears, through her curled hair.

"Thank you Shellie," Nilly said. "You guys didn't have to come," she continued, looking at Magnolia who had been standing quietly next to Shellie. She was dressed in long black pants with a tucked in white tank top and a matching black vest. Her hair pulled back into a long ponytail. Her hands were pushed deep inside the pockets of her pants as she smiled.

"Of course we did," she said, hugging Nilin quickly.

"How are you doing?" Magnolia asked, her voice sounding on edge. Nilly tired to let the numbness wash over her so her friend wasn't suffering as much as she was. Nilly notice Magnolia's shoulders instantly relax.

"Ask me in a week or two." Nilly answered. "How are you?"

Magnolia let out a strained laugh and Nilly put her feelings back in check. "Can't say I enjoy funerals," she smiled.

"Yeah, maybe we should go. You know, before you start slaughtering people." Shellie joked.

Magnolia gave her an exasperated eye-roll. "We can come by your house with everyone else if you want?" Magnolia offered.

Nilly shook her head, "Come by tomorrow, less people. It'll be more comfortable for you." Magnolia went to say something when her eyes traveled behind Nilly, just then Elena came up beside her. Smiling shyly, she gave a slight wave.

"Guys this is Elena, obviously." Nilly introduced. "And these are my little bookstore friends."

Shellie smiled and took Elena's hand. "Nice to finally meet you, we know all about you," she said.

Elena gave a soft confused smile. "Oh, Nilly's talked about me a lot?" she questioned.

"Nope." Shellie smiled innocently.

"Then you must be the seer," Elena said catching on.

"Ignore her," Magnolia said to Elena. "She's just trying to be creepy." That caused Elena and Nilly both to laugh a little. "Her name's Shellie and I'm Magnolia. We're deeply sorry for your loss."

Nilly's smile instantly dropped but Elena just nodded her head and shook Magnolia's hand. "I want to thank you for everything, being here for our family today and everything you've did before that. You helped save my life." Elena said quietly.

"You're welcome. Nilly came to us for help, so we helped." Magnolia shrugged. Shellie nodded in agreement. Just then Bonnie and Jeremy came up behind them and said something to Elena who touched Nilly's elbow.

"We should go," Elena said, and turned back to the girls. "It's a pleasure meeting you. Hope to see you around."

Nilly gave Shellie and Magnolia a tight smile and a quick hug. "I'll see you guys," she said, turning to follow Elena out. Elena and Bonnie had their arms locked together, walking close to Jeremy who had his head down as he kicked pebbles. Nilly began to go up the hill to catch up with them, when she felt a tug in her chest. She stopped almost reaching the others and turned around slowly. A few feet behind her stood Damon, dressed in all black with his hands behind his back. A somber smile graced his lips and Nilly felt her heart jump.

She wanted to run back down the hill, stumble like an idiot just to feel his arms around her. She took a few steps towards him when Elena called from behind her, "Nilly." She stopped and turned back to see Elena, Jeremy and Bonnie staring at her with a questioning look. To make matters worse Stefan came up behind Elena, wearing the same expression on his face. Nilly swallowed hard and looked back at Damon, he hadn't moved his eyes were still on her.

"Nilin, come on." Elena called again. Nilly sighed, she could feel their eyes on her. She wanted to go to Damon, but at the same time she couldn't handle the judgmental stares or chastised comments she'd get. Nilly started back up the hill to Elena who had a look of approval. She looked over her shoulder at Damon who was still standing there, he gave her a nod of understanding.

Nilly closed her eyes. She knew what she needed right then, and it wasn't her friends and family's approval. It was the feeling of being safe and whole again, even if it was just for a moment. Letting out a breath, Nilin quickly spun on her heels. She dashed down the incline, all but practically slamming into Damon. Her arms wrapped around him as she buried her face in his shirt. He held her closer pressing his lips to the side of her head.

She pulled back slightly and, moving her hands to the side of his face, kissed him. Her tears dampening both their cheeks. She felt him smile against her lips, a low chuckle in the back of his throat. "I think you should go," he murmured. Nilly shook her head forcefully. "I'll come by later, I promise."

Reluctantly, Nilly pulled away from him. He wiped the remaining tears off her cheek, and kissed her forehead. His eyes were looking past her though, to his brother who was rigid on top of the hill. She nodded her head once at him, understanding it was her time to leave.

She turned around and headed up the hill with her eyes down. She walked past the others with no regrets in her heavy heart.

Author's Notes:
Hey guys. So, yeah, I know that wasn't the most exciting chapter ever. It was pretty somber, but it had to happen. I hope you guys enjoyed it still. Let me know! Thank you so much and I'll see you all on Friday :)
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Sorry this chapter went up so late, fanfiction is being a little temperamental today and didn't feel like uploading anything.

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