Chapter 4

When Louis woke up again it was still dark; he squinted to force the clock on the other side of the bedroom to come into focus. Urgh, it's not even six yet. Stretching, feeling the emptiness of his bed, hearing his bones crack and pop, he knew, whether he remembered it or not he'd had a restless night's sleep.

Feeling like a caffeine deprived zombie, he forced himself out of bed and towards the living room - bracing himself. Ready to have, or at least start to have, the difficult conversations they had succeeded in avoiding for the last two nights.

'Hey Harry', he half said, half whispered, as he walked across the room.

He knew it before he saw it. The empty sofa was screaming at him in the silence of the room. Harry was gone, and long gone it seemed, the blankets and pillows holding no trace of his warmth.

There was one measly, inanimate object left on the sofa, in the gaping hole Harry had left. And honest to god, Louis could nearly hear it laughing at him. Angry at himself, he grabbed it, ready to throw it across the room, to tear it to pieces.

But the laughing turned into pleading. Pleading at him to take a second, a second to read the few words scribbled on it.

'I love you, but I need time to think. If we're going to be something I need to be clear in my own mind. I don't want to drag you into the mess going on in my head, you don't deserve that – you're too important to me. Speak soon. And don't worry x'

And for the second time in as many weeks, Louis was crying on to that god forsaken album sleeve. Every word Harry had written confused him, breaking and mending his heart as he read.

He needs to think.

But he loves me.

And I'm important to him.

And the single kiss, smeared with a long passed tear that Louis knew wasn't his own, shattered his heart into tiny pieces.

…..

Harry felt like two very different parts of the same confused person. He walked back to his hotel suite, corridors deserted, still early enough not to worry about anyone recognising him.

He tried to look at himself objectively – as an outsider looking in. On the surface he seemed to have a bounce in his step, and a silly half smile on his sleep deprived face. But underneath there was something else, there was the hint of a frown, a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and a slight drag in his step. An uneasy combination; and it felt that way too.

Thinking back; half asleep on Louis' sofa, it had all felt easy, right, and natural. Waking up in the late evening, holding him, and feeling brave enough to brush their lips together.

In that one moment on Louis' plush hotel sofa, Harry had never felt more sure of anything. Whether he wanted to be or not, whether it was going to be easy for them or not. The truth was he loved Louis. And he was pretty sure he was only kidding himself, and hurting Louis, by fighting it.

This was not the type of love that would grow into a deep friendship. This was a love that was all consuming, obsessive, and almost too much for him to handle.

Grumbling out loud Harry muttered to himself, 'Why do good things have to be so complicated.'

…

Jay nearly jumped out of her skin when her phone rang. It was the first time in weeks that she'd heard the ringtone that meant it was Louis.

She calmed herself, and decided to let it go to voicemail. Centring herself and taking deep breaths. She willed herself. Don't have a go at him. But make him tell you what's going on. He needs your help.

And sure enough, her phone rang again; the Louis she hadn't heard from for weeks was now very much trying to get in contact with her. What's changed? she wondered to herself, knowing full well the subject, if not the content, of the conversation they would be having very soon.

Her heart broke as she listened to the voicemail Louis had left; he sounded desperately sorry, but also confused and unsure of himself. 'Mum, I, um...I'm really sorry…I've been a terrible son. I'm so sorry I left without seeing you…I know you're only trying to help. I'm sorry. And you have every right to tear me to shreds…but… I could really do with talking to you if you have time.'

The crack in Louis' voice was all she needed to hear. He might try to hide behind flippant words, but to Jay it was crystal clear, her son needed her help and she'd been waiting for weeks to be able to support him. Grabbing her phone, she dialled, determined to help Louis sort this out before it ate him up and spat him out.

…..

As he crept back into his suite, and silently closed the door, Harry felt guilt wash over him. He'd dragged his sister half way around the world, and then abandoned her with no explanation as soon as they'd arrived. 'Some brother I am', Harry mumbled to himself.

Entering the warmth of the suite seemed to have a draining effect on him. As soon as he shut the door the overwhelming urge to sleep hit him. No; you don't deserve to sleep after the crappy way you've behaved, you owe her an explanation.

He stepped into the bathroom and on into the shower. He was trying, and failing, to wash the sleep and the guilt away. Harry's thoughts would not do as they were told and were determined to punish him. They drifted to Louis' face, the face that had been full of worry, surprise, relief, and then excitement seeing Harry at his door. That had felt so intense. Intense to know he could make Louis feel all those things. But now, now he was pretty sure that all he had left Louis feeling was confused and anxious.

'Harry, Harry, are you ok? Where the hell have you been?'

Jolting him out of his self-pity. A sinking feeling set in as the pounding at the bathroom door continued. It left him in no doubt that Gem would not let him escape easily. He was going to have to explain himself.

…..

His sister looked more tired than he'd ever seen her. Hints of dark shadows under her eyes, and worry lines criss-crossing her face. He felt a pang of guilt wash across him as he realised he was the cause of it.

'Where the fuck have you been? I haven't slept. You ran out in tears, and then I hear nothing from you for almost two days. What the hell's going on?'

Put like that, and seeing the state his sister was in, Harry couldn't exactly argue. He did owe Gem an explanation and fast.

….

Pacing backwards and forwards, Louis was wearing a groove, he was sure, into the obnoxiously plush carpet. Finally, Jay answered the phone, and relief surged through him. He would have to tell her now, and that would be a good thing. Holding it all in, this secret was killing him.

His mum sounded tired and worried as they spoke. The feisty spark he was so used to, and had inherited, was well hidden. He felt like he wanted the ground to swallow him up as he realised he'd made her feel like that.

'Louis, you know I love you more than anything, but where the hell have you been, I've been trying to get hold of you for weeks. This is not the way you treat family, and you know it. What's going on?'

Hearing the shuddering breath and teary tremble in her son's voice broke her heart, but she had to get him to do this. Even though she already knew roughly what was going on, he needed to be honest with her, and say it out loud so she could help him.

'Mum, it's Harry, I think I love him, and I think even though he's really scared, he loves me too. I don't care what I lose, I need him.'

And even though she could hear he was upset, she smiled down the phone line. This was massive, progressing more than she could've imagined. They were going to be fine, it wasn't going to be easy, but she knew that nothing would keep them from being with each other.

….

Gemma chose her words carefully, 'I need you to be honest with me, what's going on? This isn't normal and I'm worried. You're happy-ish one minute, and crying and down the next'

Silence hung between them, a ticking clock the only sound.

'Come on, I know you inside out and back to front. Secrets and you just don't get along, they eat you up inside. Just talk to me.'

More silence. And now Gemma could feel herself getting annoyed.

'Harry, be fair, you dragged me half way across the world, and abandoned me as soon as we got here. I deserve to know what's going on. If you don't tell me, and tell me now, I'm packing my bags and leaving tonight.'

She knew that was a low blow. But it had finally done the trick.

Harry's head snapped up out of his hands, eyes wide, staring at his sister in shock. 'I dragged you here! What do you mean I dragged you here? You begged me to come, for your career.'

Letting out a loud sigh Gemma fixed her little brother with a determined look, 'Harry, we need to stop with the lying, it's a waste of time and energy.'

Getting angry himself now, Harry snapped back, 'What lying, what do you mean?' But even as the words left his mouth he realised Gemma had been on to him from the beginning. Had seen straight through him. From the airport, their conversation at home, in the club, on the flight back to the US, and most certainly now.

'Oh', was all Harry could muster, feeling embarrassed as the reality sunk in.

'Oh, indeed. I'm not an idiot. As soon as I saw you at the airport I knew something was wrong. I've known you every day of your life. I held you as a baby. We've made more memories together than I can put into words. But when you walked towards me in the airport I barely recognised you.'

Harry tried to jump in and protest, but Gemma just carried on not pausing for breath.

'And in the club, what the hell was that. You were wasted before we even got there. In the taxi our friends kept on giving me worried looks. We were all so concerned about you – I decided that night that I would come and stay with you for a bit. That night it seemed like you just wanted to get drunk and escape from something for a while.'

It was so quiet, Gemma only barely heard the whisper from her brother, 'I did want to escape.'

'Escape from what though, what were you trying to escape from?' Gemma gently questioned.

And the silence was back, heavier than ever.

'Harry, you have to tell me, I need to hear it from you'.

And now the silence was deafening.

'Harry, for fucks sake, I already know. And I know you wanted me to hear what you said the club when you were pretending to be asleep. I'm not totally naïve. But I need to you to say it now. Say it to me and to yourself.'

Gemma had got so engrossed in what she was saying, she hadn't really looked at Harry too closely. In this latest silence she looked over and could see her little brother had his head in his hands, and he was shaking. He was crying, tears streaming down his face and dripping on to his lap.

Not being able to handle the tough love any longer, Gemma stood, walked over, and wrapped him in her arms, stroking his hair, trying to sooth the tears away. They stayed like that for a good few minutes. The crying easing off for a while, and then coming backing in a new wave.

Gemma never eased her grip, and Harry clung on just as hard. Harry felt like a ship without an anchor, being tossed about and broken to pieces. The only thing he had to hold onto right in that moment was Gemma. And he owed her honesty if nothing else.

'It's Louis, I'm in love with him.'

Wow. Harry hadn't expected it to feel like that. Just saying it out loud to someone else: he felt like a tonne of bricks had been lifted. He still felt scared, and worried and anxious. But one thing he didn't feel anymore was confused. He had never felt surer of anything. He loved Louis, and he had to try to make it work.

Gemma's voice dragged him out of his thought, 'Baby bro, that's great. I'm so massively happy for you. But what's with all the drama? I'm no expert, but I think love's meant to swell your heart not rip it in half.'

Harry gave her a look she hadn't seen before. It was mainly sorrow, but there was relief and amusement in their too, 'Gem, when did you get so smart? You've been on to me the whole time. You're the best big sister anyone could ask for, I hope you know that.'

'You'd do the same for me, and you know it.' Gemma smiled back.

'What trick you into letting me travel around the world with you on the pretence of my career?' Harry laughed.

'Yeah, ha, bloody, ha,' Gemma dead-panned, 'I'm not falling for the whole "distract her with compliments and humour" thing. Now I've got you talking, you may as well tell me what's going on with Louis. Why is it such a struggle?'

Put like that Harry really didn't know where to start. Sensing it, Gemma pulled him back into the hug and simply said, 'Just start from the beginning.'

So he did.

'I've never met anyone like Louis before. He's just amazing. So strong, so loyal, clever, talented at everything, generous, caring and a much better person than I could ever be.

'When we first met we clicked straight away, he's a total dork like me, and we're into all of the same things. But there was something else there between us, we never talked about what it was, never acted on it. But it was definitely there.

'I guess we fell much harder than we realised. And we were much more obvious than we thought we were being. It was easy to start with, we were in our own little bubble, caught up in each other.

'The fans started to notice how close we were, and then I think our team started to worry about how rumours would affect us trying to break the US. And they never asked me before they changed things. Before they started to organise separate cars to events, to group us differently in interviews. The distance just became a thing, and it was hard to start with, really hard.

'But I feel like I owe everything to Simon. And they showed me the contracts we'd signed, pointed out that they could do what they were doing. And I felt like I had to go along with it, didn't feel like I had any choice. But I can't do it anymore, it's killing me.

'It's too hard; I closed myself off, played a part. But it's eating me up inside. And I know now that I need him, I love him. And I don't care what I have to do, and what I have to lose to get him to understand that.

'But I'm scared that he won't want me. I've made a right mess of things, going along with everything. Not being braver, not fighting harder. The media are going to eat me up and spit me out after all the stories about me dating so many people. Why would he want to be part of that mess?'

By the end of it Harry was in tears again, and so was Gemma. She'd never heard her brother sound so heartfelt and utterly broken.

Composing herself, she hugging Harry again, whispering into his hair, 'I think you need to stop talking to me and start talking to Louis. Don't assume anything. You're not going to know how he's feeling until you give him the chance to tell you. Don't run away and hide, face it. You might just get something, and someone, amazing at the end of it.'

…..

'Just talk to him.'

'Mum, it's not that easy. If it was, I would've done it by now believe me.'

With a heavy sigh, but trying to be sympathetic, Jay pushed a little more. 'I know it's not easy, relationships never are. But honestly, I'm confused, what's the worst that could happen? What's worse than this weird limbo you two are in? You know it can't go on like this.'

They fell into silence after that. Not a stubborn silence. No, this was filled to the brim with thoughts and feelings. And Jay listening, waiting while her son wrestled with the question she'd just posed.

After what felt like an eternity, a very small voice came down the line, sounding tiny, vulnerable and childlike.

'I could lose him altogether. That's the worst thing that could happen. I don't think I would survive losing him.'

Trying to stay strong for her son, those words - those honest heart breaking words - made Jay hold her breath and blink away the tears threatening to break free. Composing herself, and wishing she could hold him close, she paused, contemplating.

'But Louis, you do understand don't you? Unless you start being honest with each other, and talk about what's going on, you're going to end up losing him anyway.'

Louis sighed in an odd sort of sad and resigned way. And Jay didn't know that her heart could be broken so easily. All it took was two words from her son to break it in half.

'I know.'

Jay tried desperately to pull herself back together, wiping at the tears streaming down her face. Knowing that she had to be staying strong for him.

'Mum, please don't cry. It's ok, really it is, I'm ok.' And Louis' whole being cried out for a hug from his mum, to feel the comfort of her warm embrace.

'But love, it's not enough to be ok. You deserve to be happy. And I'm so worried for you. I know you're scared. Scared of losing him altogether if you go for this and it doesn't work out.

'You have to talk to him. Give it a chance, see what happens. I know your circumstances are difficult. But if you stay paralysed by the fear of what might go wrong, you're never going to know what the two of you are or aren't capable of being.'

They stayed quiet for what felt like a long time. And Louis whispered, scared to let the words out into the world, 'I know it's not enough to just be ok. I woke up in the middle of the night, missing the feeling of his lips on mine. Missing the feeling of his arms around me, the smell of him. But Mum, I'm so scared. Scared that if we try to be something and it doesn't work we'll be left with nothing at all.'

Finally, fully able to compose herself, Jay hugged her phone to her ear, trying to will Louis to hear the wisdom in her words, 'Love, you need to have more faith in yourself and in Harry. You read the note to me. Yes he's scared. But he loves you. And he's not going to change his mind about having you in his life just because the two of you decide to take a chance and risk being brave.'

The silence hung in the air, not as easy as earlier, and Jay wondered if she had gone too far. If she'd pushed him away. If the walls had gone back up again, like in the park all those weeks ago. But finally, finally, two little words broke through the silence.

'I know.'

And this time those two small, quiet words had a completely different tone to them. She could hear the small smile in her son's voice.

'I know he loves me. And I know more than anything that I love him. That's the easy bit. The hard part is doing something about it. And what we risk by trying.

'But you're right, ok is not enough anymore. I need to speak to him. And I need to do it now before I change my mind again.'

And with that, ending the call with a few final tears, and promises to keep Jay updated, Louis closed the hotel room door behind him, with only one destination in mind.