Chapter Forty-Three: What I've Done

In this farewell there's no blood, there's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies
So let mercy come and wash away what I've done
I'll face myself to cross out what I've become
Erase myself and let go of what I've done
~Linkin Park

Of the people who had come back after the funeral, there were a few still left in her house. Elena went around cleaning up little messes left around just to busy her hands. The day had been long and tiring. Elena was exhausted. She was completely zoned out as she collected discarded plastic cups and plates. Having to face another loss was unfathomable. Her heart was heavy, her eyes burned and yawn after yawn was passing through her lips. She was in mourning. Something that she's been in for too long now.
She misses her Uncle dearly. He was the Uncle that actually cared about her. Unlike the other one, who Elena was disheartened to find out never came, the youngest of the Gilbert boys, John. He was barely in her life and the last time she had seen him was at her own parent's funeral. John was closest to her father, whereas John and Nilin's father always seemed bumped heads. Still, was that enough of a reason to skip out on your own brother's funeral? Nilly would be devastated when she realized John hadn't shone up.
At the moment, a MIA uncle was the least of all her problems. Elena had made a massive miscalculation. She had made so many mistakes since Nilly's arrival and in a moment of desperation she felt like she might have made the biggest one yet. Nilin and Damon had gotten way too close for anyone's comfort. Now, Elena was scared to death.
Was it the wrong move pulling Nilly out her depression by getting Stefan to use Damon? At first Elena doubted that her farfetched plan would even work, but it clearly had... with some unlikely consequences. She didn't think Damon would actually come through.
But he had. Now Nilin was putting her trust back in him. Elena saw that clearly. What should she do now? What could she do?
She had known Damon since his return to Mystic Falls. The death toll in her town had rose increasingly those months following. He killed out of vengeance, spite, anger and even boredom. But, though Elena hated to admit it, he's seemed to have changed a little... less neck-snappy.
That didn't stop him from killing though and he wasn't even close from turning over a new leaf. What proof did Elena have to say Damon wasn't swapping out Katherine for Nilly? There was no evidence that his scraps of feelings were sincere. It had only been a little more than a week ago when he all but threw Nilin in front of a train for Katherine, and now Elena was supposed to be okay with the two of them?
There was so much Nilly didn't know about Damon, things Elena knew and it scared her. Shouldn't Nilly have a right to know these things, to know who she was kissing?
Elena cringed at the thought of it, then she got angry. Her teeth locked together, and her tiny hands balled up into fist. She relaxed though when she felt someone's hands on her waist. "Are you okay?" Stefan asked, his lips pressed close to her ear.
"Yeah," she answered halfheartedly. She linked her fingers with his and turning to face him asked, "Can we talk in the kitchen?" Stefan nodded, the look on his face seemed to show that he knew where this conversation was going. They began to make their way to the kitchen doors when Elena spotted Bonnie and quickly grabbed her arm, pulling her with them.
She didn't start talking until she made sure the doors were completely shut, even then she kept her voice low. "We have a problem," she started slowly.
"You mean Nilly and Damon." Bonnie stated, quickly catching Elena's train of thought. "Yeah, I can't say I wasn't shocked by that whole union in the cemetery." Bonnie continued, perching on top of the kitchen counter. "When'd that happen?"
Elena put her head down, leaning on the wall a little. "I'm not sure, I mean the last time I saw them together was the night we opened the tomb," she said.
"For the first time in his life could he have actually listened to me?" Stefan asked, looking at Elena.
She shrugged. "Him helping Nilin is my only guess to what happened at this point and it makes me even more worried," she responded.
Bonnie, who had been sitting on top of the counter, slid off and walked closer to Elena. "What are you talking about?" she inquired, her eyebrow accusingly arched.
"When this all started, Nilin went into this like semi-comatose state. She wouldn't talk to anyone. She wouldn't let anyone close to her. We were worried." Elena explained. "So, I thought that if Stefan could plant it in Damon's head that Nilly was hurting he'd either do one of two things. Stay far away from her or talk her out of it."
"And by the looks of it, he went for the latter." Bonnie shook her head.
"Which is completely shocking," Stefan added. "When I went to go talk to him he was in his own catatonic state over Katherine."
"So you thought this could help Nilin?" Bonnie asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "And now she's practically lip-locking with the Satan himself?" Bonnie questioned.
"First, I didn't even think he would go for it and second, I didn't realize they'd get all buddy-buddy." Elena defended. "I was kind of hoping he'd just piss her off and she'd snap out of it."
"Elena-" Bonnie went to yell at her.
"It was a last ditch effort, Bonnie," Elena cut her off and tired to explain. "You didn't see Nilin, you didn't see how bad she'd gotten."

"Well, what happen happened and now you have to deal with the consequences." Bonnie told her.
"I don't trust him," Stefan confessed. "I don't trust him with her and I don't trust that he's not using her." He was standing by the island, his arms crossed over his chest. The look on his face made Elena's stomach drop.
"I don't trust him anymore than you do. Probably less, since I have no blood relation to him., but don't you think that maybe Nilly knows what she's doing? Maybe she's aware of what she's getting herself into." Bonnie said. "I mean, she's surprised us all on several occasions already. Don't get me wrong, I don't like this one bit, but I feel like maybe its more damaging if we get involved."
"I get what you're saying," Elena agreed. "It makes sense and I'd love to keep my nose out of this but there are things we know about Damon, things that he's done. And I'm a hundred percent positive he'll never tell Nilin about."
"Things she should know," Stefan added.
"But the question you have to asked yourself Elena, is if its our place to tell her those things?" Bonnie questioned. They were quiet for a moment, then Elena spoke.
"I don't know," she said. Which was completely true. She could not tell Nilin and hope for the best or she could tell her and hope that Nilin would stay far away from Damon. "What should I do?
"I think, maybe you're right Elena," Bonnie realized. "Maybe it is our place to tell her, that's what friends do. What we know could be possibly dangerous. What if we don't tell her and something happens?"
"Bonnie's got a point," Stefan agreed.
"How do I tell Nilly something like that, though?" she asked heartbroken.
"Tell me what?" Nilin's voice said. Everyone jumped, spinning to see Nilin's head peeking out of the door as she stared at them confusingly. She opened the door more and stepped into the kitchen, crossing her arms as the doors swung shut behind her.
"Nothing," Elena said quickly. "Just forget it, it's been a long day," she tried to doge the question, but Nilin wasn't having it.

Her eyebrow arched as she looked around the room. "Nuh-uh, spill. No more secrets, between any of us. It always ends badly." Nilly narrowed her eyes.
Bonnie sighed. "Just tell her."
"We're worried about you, Nilly." Stefan said softly. "None of us trust Damon, especially when he's with you."
Elena thought she saw Nilly almost smirk as she looked down. "So that's what it's about?" she nodded, eyes on the floor.
"He's not a good person, Nil. He kills people, he's murdered innocent people." Elena pushed.
Nilly looked up at her. "Not pointing fingers here, but Stefan hasn't? Not once in his existence?" she questioned rhetorically.
Elena shook her head. "That's not the point," she started. "Stefan's different, he's changed. Damon refuses to change for anyone. That makes him dangerous."
"But that's exactly the point." Nilly said, throwing her hands up. "Why is it okay for Stefan to be around you, but Damon can't even look in my direction without you guys making a deal over it?"
"Because Stefan's never forced blood down my throat." Elena snapped, her teeth clenching. The room grew silent, Nilly's eyes glared at her.
"I forgave him for that," she said slowly.
"Are you going to forgive him the next time he pulls something like that?" Bonnie asked and Nilly turned towards her.
"He won't," she answered calmly.
"How can you be so sure, Nilin?" Elena asked, throwing her hands in the air out of frustration.
"I can't be completely sure but I think it's about time I put a little faith in something for once." Nilly told them. "What else do I have to lose?" she shrugged.
"Damon has done things to girls that thought he cared about them," Stefan said, stepping closer to Nilly. "When I first came back to Mystic Falls I can't tell you the number of animal attacks that were in the news," he continued and Elena let out a shiver at the memory. "Innocent people with their throats ripped out. He killed our own nephew, Nilly."
Her eyes widen in shock. "What?"
Elena had almost forgotten about Stefan's 'Uncle' Zach, that had ran the boarding house before the brothers' return. Really he wasn't Stefan's uncle, it was more like great-great-great nephew, but 'uncle' was more believable. Either way, he was a Salvatore, and either way, Damon had killed him.
"It was my fault really," Stefan continued to explain. "I got him angry and he snapped Zach's neck." Stefan shook his head, looking down at the ground. Nilly's expression seemed to soften, her shoulders sagged a little though she still stood with her arms locked.
"I told you he was dangerous," Elena spoke quietly. "He used to feed on Caroline, then he'd make her forget. He was treating her like Christian had been treating you."
Suddenly Nilin was rigid again, her head was shaking back and forth furiously. "No, no. You are not allowed to say that. You have no idea what you are talking about Elena, and right now you are treading dangerous grounds." Nilin nearly growled. "You don't know what Christian did to me," she glared at them. They were all taken back by her out lash, the room grew quiet. "I'm done with this," Nilin mumbled, turning to the door.

Then Elena blurted out, "He turned Vicki into a vampire."
She saw Nilly freeze, and she turned back around. Her eyes widened in horror. "Vicki? Vicki's a vampire? Where is she?" Nilly asked, walking closer to Elena. Her hands went to her trembling lips as she stuttered out questions.
"Dead," Stefan answered. Nilly's wide eyes began to water, as she looked between the three of them with confusion. "She tried to attack Jeremy and I had to stake her," he explained. Nilly's mouth dropped in shock as she stumbled back a little.
"Matt thinks she's a live though," she mumbled. "Everyone does, they think she just ran off."
"We had to cover it up, Nilly." Stefan said.

She shook her head and was quiet for a moment. With her head down, Elena could see the tears gathering in the corner of Nilin's eyes.
"You guys have the shitiest timing, you know that." Nilly said with a strained voice. "I can't handle this right now. Don't you realize that I had to bury my father today, he's dead. And I can't- I can't do this!" she yelled, running her hands through her hair. "I'm done making right choices! Ignoring my heart and thinking with my head. That's all I've done and look where I ended up." Her eyes shot up to Elena's. "Why are you allow to be happy and I'm not?"
"Nilly-" Elena went to say, reaching her arm out.

Nilly stepped back continuing to shake her head. "I know you're all worried about me and trying to protect me, but stop. I need you to stop. I'm not this ignorant little girl running around a town full of supernatural creatures. I might not be okay, I might get hurt but it's going to my decisions that lead me there. Not yours, and the blame will be on me, not you."
She looked up at all of them, pressing her lips tightly together and turned around, storming out of the kitchen. They stood there for a moment, silence emanating through the room. There eyes on the spot where Nilin had been standing.
"Well, that went well," said an all too familiar cocky voice. Elena turned to find Damon on the other side of the kitchen, lounging on one of the window sills.
"How long have you been listening?" Stefan questioned, his voice cold.
"Long enough, brother," he answered with a dark smirk. "It's nice to see how easily I'm ratted out."
"She needed to know what kind of monster you are, Damon." Bonnie said, crossing her slight arms over her chest.
Damon laughed, taking a step towards her. "Careful witch," he spat. "Make sure your batteries are all charged up before you try to take on a battle with me."
Bonnie never broke eye contact with him, but she did take a step back. "I going to find Nilin," she told everyone before heading out of the kitchen too.
Damon's smirk grew as he watched Bonnie retreat. Then he turned to Elena and Stefan. "I have to say, I'm slightly shocked by darling Nilin's reaction. Didn't expect her to be so… accepting." Damon smiled coldly with a tone of humor in his voice.
"Leave her be, Damon. She'd been through enough today." Stefan warned, his hands turning in to fist.
"But wasn't it you, baby brother, who suggested I talk to her? Or was that just another of your scheming plans to deceive me?" Damon's eyes narrowed. "I have to say, you two have turned into a real Bonnie and Clyde, haven't you?" he joked. "So, I think I'm going to head upstairs and explain myself to Nilly," he grinned, swiping past them.
Elena watched as Stefan hand shot out and gripped Damon's arm. "You're not going anywhere near her," he hissed. Damon's grin disappeared. Elena watched in horror as he grabbed Stefan's hand and bent it unnaturally back with a stomach turning crack. A grunt of pain came from Stefan's clenched teeth.
"It seems like you've left me no other choice, I wouldn't want Nilin to think poorly of me now. But who knows what else will happen up in her bedroom, nothing new I expect." Damon taunted, releasing Stefan's hand and leaving the kitchen.
Stefan and Elena were left alone, exchanging alarmed glances and unsure of what to do next.

Nilin sat on her window sill, both legs dangling outside over the edge. Her music pulsed loudly, she didn't care. She needed an escape from everything going on downstairs. Just for a few, numbing minutes. She welcomed the loud thumping of the music, it allowed her to retreat for a little. She sang along to it, matching the pitches.
"I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know."
She felt almost tipsy hanging out her window, the ground easily fifteen feet below her. She'd just have to let go and lean forward slightly, then she'd be free falling. The though made her body hum with adrenaline, but she didn't of course. Instead she leaned her head on the frame and swung her feet, her heels hitting the siding of the house thumped to the beat.
"I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter," she continued to sing. If the song hadn't faded out with the repeated rhythm Nilin might not have caught the light click of her door opening and shutting again. Not that she needed to hear it to know who was now standing in her room, she could feel the chord in her chest pull.
"Do you feel that too?" Nilly question quietly, making no indication to turn around. She knew he'd hear her.
"Feel what?" Damon asked, coming up and leaning on the wall next to her window.
Nilly shrugged. "Never mind," she said.
"You're not going to jump are you?" he asked jokingly.
She gave another indifferent shrug. "I was thinking about it," she answered, no humor in her tone. She thought for a minute. "Would you have stopped me?" she pondered.
Damon 'hmm'ed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Nope," he responded. She looked at him from the corner of her eye. "I'd catch you at the bottom though," he continued, giving her a wink.
She looked at the ground below her, feeling the faint warmth of blush on her cheeks. She swung her legs around, her bare feet landing on the bedroom floor. She looked up at him, her face expressionless.
"You heard that conversation, didn't you?" she asked quietly. He nodded as he moved to sit on her bed. "Would you have told me any of those things?"
"I've never pretended to be something I'm not, Nilin. So, if you asked," he shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I guess I would."
Nilin sighed and rubbed her eyes. She was too tired for this game of 20 questions.
"Why Caroline?" she asked in the same hushed tone. He starred at her for at first before reaching his hand out and wrapping it around her wrist. In one movement he pulled her into his lap. She stiffened for a moment at the shock of his speed, but then nestled her head in the crook of his neck.
"I needed something, for one thing. She helped me get the crystal I needed for the tomb. Plus I needed eyes and ears over Mystic Falls and, from what I had gathered, she was the best at knowing everyone's business."
Nilly was quiet for a moment, lost in the feeling of his hand running up and down her back. "And Zach, your family member?"
"He had it coming to him," Damon explained. "He and Stefan thought it'd be a fun idea to poison me with vervain and lock me in a cellar." Nilly shivered a little, wondering what Damon could have done to push Stefan to do such a thing. "Though I probably deserved that one," he continued. "I wasn't very nice back then."
"Back then?" she questioned, peeking up at hiim.
"Hey, compared to that, I'm a saint now," he joked. Nilly smiled for a second but then something dawned on her. "Were you the one who killed Stefan's friend? Lexi, I think her name was?"
Damon froze, his hand stilled on the small of her back. "How do you-?"
"Stefan told me a while ago when they first found out I knew about vampires," she answered his question.
"Yes, I was," was all he answered.
Nilly tipped her head back to look up at him. "Why?" she pushed.
"I had to cover my tracks," he answered. "The Founder's Council was getting suspicious, plus it made me look good." He seemed to relax a bit more when Nilly looked back down and nodded. "I needed to gain the Council's trust," he continued.
Nilly was fully aware of the Founder's Council and their job. It was run by Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Forbs. They were raised to hate vampire and protect the town. It was entwined in their DNA.
"Best way to know their plans is to be one of them," Nilly stated.
"Exactly." Damon chuckled.
Nilly grew quite. Her head rested on his chest and her legs dangled from his lap. She knew very well that she shouldn't be this close and this vulnerable to him. Logically, she should be putting as much distance from him as possible. But any and all logic flew out the door when it came to him and her. Finally she spoke.
"And Vicki?" she asked quietly.
Damon let out a low breath tingling the top of Nilly's head. "I was angry, Stefan needed a reminder on who was the older brother," he said. "In my defense, I was starving. It happened after my brother locked me up for a few days with the intention of never letting me out. I though I drained her, but I was wrong."
"Vicki was always stubborn, that's why we got along with each other. One never let the other back down." Nilly said softly.
She felt Damon cringe. "You knew her," he said more of a statement than a question.
"Closest thing to a best friend after my mom died," Nilly explained. "We grew distant right before I left though. She just couldn't seem keep herself out of trouble and I didn't want to be involved with that."
Damon was quite as he tried to read Nilly. She sat up so they were eye level. His gaze staid on her. "I'm an implosive person," he said with a crooked smile, but then it disappeared. "What I did to Vicki was wrong though."
"It was," Nilin said. "You've done a lot of things wrong, Damon. I've lost count. You've made even more mistakes," she continued and she saw his eyes narrow at her. "But the other night you swore you'd do right by me. I going to believe that."
He stared at her, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "When did you decide that I mattered?" he asked softly.
"Around the same time you decided that I did." Nilly answered, her voice just as light. She was feeling a little blurry with Damon's closeness, he had such an effect on her. He leaned in slowly, kissing her so lightly goosebumps raised on her arms.
Before he could deepen the kiss, she pulled away. She was going to keep him at arms length for a while. Just to play it somewhat safe. He seemed to understand that, and gave her a small genuine smile.
"I need to go back downstairs to hear how much my Dad meant to total strangers," she murmured.
"Oh, that sounds fun," Damon smirked.
"Want to come?" she asked, biting her lip. And with that Damon stood up, carrying her bridal-style to her door. She thrashed around, playfully banging on his chest.
"Put me down." Nilin squealed. He continued to grin down at her, ignoring her struggles. In one swoop he opened her door and placed her feet. She rolled her eyes at him, something resembling a smile played at the edge of her lips as the two of them made their way out of the room.

Author's Notes:
So, I thought I had updated on Friday like I was suppose to. But it came to my attention this morning that this chapter never posted. I don't know if it's because the website or because of my laptop, because both of them have been acting really sketchy recently. Either way, I am so sorry! This was ready to go up Friday, but now its Sunday. My apologizes! :(
Here it is though, thank you for the patience and new reviews, follows and favorites.
YOU GUYS ARE SO AMAZING!

I'll see you all on Monday
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