Chapter 5

Harry was hoping that the steam and heat from the shower would sober him up and stop his head from spinning. Drinking in the day was a bad idea. But after their long, tense, conversation, it hadn't taken much for Gemma to persuade him that hitting the mini bar was a good idea. In theory just what he needed to relax and think through what he was going to do next. in practice, not so much.

Letting his head rest against the tiled wall, hot water pummelling tense shoulder muscles, he took a moment to imagine how things could be. What the future could hold. A future of loving Louis instead of trying to ignore him. They were so young, Harry only just eighteen. But he knew that Louis was it for him. He'd found the person he hadn't even been looking for. Lucky to have found him so early in life. Images of going on holiday together, shopping together, celebrating birthday's together, all drifted in the steam, so real he could almost touch them. Grab them and hold them tight, will them into reality.

The water turning tepid brought him back to the present, not knowing if the change in temperature was the cause of the goose bumps covering his skin or the visions of their potential future. And as for what to do next, what to do to make that potential a reality. That was going to have to wait, just for a minute, as right then, getting out of the shower was suddenly all he could think about. The steam and moisture causing him to shift from a little drunk, to nauseous and claustrophobic.

Stepping out into the cold air of the bathroom, he had to grab hold of the sink as a woozy feeling took over. 'Shit I need to lie down, I feel sick'.

Wandering into the master bedroom, lying down on the bed wrapped in a towel, he felt himself drift off to sleep. After what felt like only minutes, he woke to the buzzing of his phone, lying discarded on the floor, as he'd slept though god knows how many missed calls.

Bleary eyed, rubbing them hard and not trusting what he was seeing, his heart started beating heavily at the sight of Louis' name. Panicked thoughts of, this is too soon, I'm not ready, shit, I'm still drunk, caused him to delay in answering.

But eventually, even thinking doubtful thoughts, he composed himself and answered the phone, readying himself for the conversation waiting at the other end of the line.

'Hi Lou. Are you ok?... I was asleep sorry, where are you?... Let you in where?... Oh...'

And his heart was beating so fast now, throat dry, palms tingling, not trusting himself to believe that Louis was just the other side of door.

'Just give me a minute, I need to get dressed', and with, ending the call, he had no choice but to get dressed and face Louis, whether he was ready or not.

Frantically pulling on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, he took a deep breath, took a few steps and opened the door.

…

Louis was halfway through an awkward 'Hi', trying to think of how to start the conversation when he noticed a look in Harry's eye that made him pause in the doorway.

The air seemed to shift around them, time slowing down. Harry's gaze fixed on Louis' lips.

In one movement, Harry pulled him over the threshold, and was kissing him with a sloppy urgency Louis had never felt before. More than anything Louis wanted to kiss him back and never stop. But the taste of alcohol on his lips and the sudden urgency of the kiss made him push Harry away.

And then the words came out in a hurry, 'Stop. It's too easy to do this, and it feels amazing. But it doesn't mean anything like this, not really.

'It's too painful. Doing this without knowing what it means. It's not fair. On either of us. We need to talk. Decide what we are and what we can be.

'Because I want us to be everything.'

….

Looking at Louis. Beautiful, stunning Louis, standing in the doorway looking unsure, made every hair on Harry's body stand on end. Shivering and shaking without realising it. It felt like he was on fire, or had electricity surging through him.

Thinking the remnants of thoughts, thoughts of their future, he felt the air shift between them, found his gaze drop to Louis' mouth. And suddenly, more than anything he needed to kiss him. Taking a single step forward, he pulled Louis to him, crashing their mouths together.

Getting swept up in the moment he'd waited so long for, letting it consume him, he tried to ignore his conscience, the tiny nagging voice in the back of his head, stop. It's too easy to do this….it doesn't mean anything like this, not really.

But it felt like it meant everything. Everything he'd been waiting for.

…..

A determined push to the chest reminded him of where he was. Bewildered, and not sure what to do next with the distance now between them. Louis, wide eyed and staring at him with more intensity than he'd ever seen, made it clear to Harry that he'd crossed a line. He'd made a big mistake.

As if on autopilot, Harry found the words came tumbling out, no filter available, 'I'm sorry, please come back to me, I need you. I need you kissing me right now. You're my everything.'

And Louis shot back, passion blazing in his eyes, 'of course you need me Harry. We've wanted each other for months. Since we met really.'

Although still pretty drunk, Harry could tell from Louis' face that he was a long way from being finished and back in his arms.

Louis ploughed on, 'I want you so badly. And you're not helping; I pushed you away for a reason. We need to talk before this goes any further.'

'But….' Harry heard himself say.

'But nothing. Off course I want this. But, you're not in a fit state to have this conversation now, we'll have it later. I'm not going anywhere.'

…..

And with that, Harry felt his whole body sag. Frustration didn't begin to explain it. Missing out on conversation and contact he'd been waiting months for, and all because of a lousy mini-bar drinking session. His stomach twisted with longing and worry. Worry that he'd ruined everything.

'Just go to bed for a bit and we'll talk later...' motioning to the bedroom, Louis carried on, '...don't worry; I'm not going to let you off the hook that easily.'

…...

'This is a bad idea, a bad, bad idea.'

But even thinking it, Louis slipped into bed next to a gently snoring Harry.

Getting him into bed had been something of a challenge. For some reason, giving him permission to sleep it off, had also given Harry permission to turn into a lead weight. And even though he was younger than Louis, he was taller and heavier, and being really, really annoying. 'Louis, come here, snuggle with me', he murmured, reaching out and trying to grab Louis' wrist but missing.

'No I think I'm ok over here.' Louis said, trying to remove Harry's socks and necklace from a safe distance.

But, exhausted after the war of the layers, the sight of Harry sleeping so soundly was oddly tempting. 'I need to be here to keep an eye on him, make sure he's ok. Nothing's going to happen.'

And true to his word nothing happened. Well, as long as being the big spoon with the person you love, and you're pretty sure loves you back, counts as nothing.

…..

'Hey you.'

'Hey you too.'

'So I guess we need to talk; we can't keep on throwing ourselves at each other like this.' Harry said, with a small, slightly timid smile.

'Excuse me', Louis shot back, 'I think you'll find there was only one person doing the throwing round here. I never knew I was so good at catching until a couple of hours ago.'

And remembering the drunken mess he'd been made Harry blush and squirm. 'Fair point. And, I am sorry, really, I shouldn't have kissed you.'

Louis was the one blushing now as he spoke, 'Well I do seem to be sharing a bed with you right now, so there's that as far as boundaries go.'

Harry was grinning now, and found Louis' hand winding their fingers together.

After what felt like an eternity, it was surprisingly Harry who spoke first. 'What's going on with us Lou?'

And the question hung in the air like a lead balloon.

….

'How is this fair, how can we know what we're meant to be doing, what we're willing to give up. We don't even know what "this" is'

And Louis sighed a hard, tired sigh, 'Well that's is why we need to talk about it. But come on Harry, I know we've never said it in so many words but we both know what this is. I've never felt this way about anyone else. I love you. And all these questions and worries, I know we need to talk and find answers. But I think that I know that you love me too. What are we afraid of? What are we waiting for?'

It was Harry's turn to sigh now, 'It's not people knowing about us, or even coming out really that I'm worried about. I don't care what people think about me when it comes to that. I love who I love, and yes I love you. I love you so much.'

Louis' breathe caught in his throat and the relief was palpable. He had been nearly sure that Harry was in love with him. But hearing him say it was something else. And the fact that Harry had considered and wasn't worried about coming out. Even though they weren't at that point yet. They could overcome anything.

Exhaling in relief he could hear the lightness in his own voice, 'Well if it's not that what is it? I'm sure we can make it work whatever it is.'

A look of worry, shame and panic crossed Harry's face in a flash. And Louis immediately backtracked on his thought that this was going to be easy.

….

'I know it sounds stupid, but less than two years ago I was a nobody.' Harry whispered.

'I would still be a nobody, maybe at Uni, maybe still at the bakery if it wasn't for Simon. He's the reason for all this, without him I'd still be fooling myself into thinking I was going to be somebody. I feel like I owe him everything.' And tears appeared in his eyes and streamed down his face in hot, angry rivers.

'Harry, you were, are, and always will be someone incredible. Don't ever think otherwise, it's just not true.'

And Louis hurt for him. Even saying the words, he knew that they were easy to say and hard to feel and believe.

'Thank you, I just wish I could believe it.' and Harry wept again.

And without even meaning to, in fact entirely not meaning to, Louis was kissing Harry's hot tears away. Places gentle butterfly kisses to his cheekbones, his eyelids, his jaw where the tears collected and fell. Swallowing them, urging them to stop and be replaced with that smile, those dimples he loved so much. He whispering words that he meant with every cell, every ounce of himself.

'I love you with my whole world, please believe that.'

And this time the kiss did mean something; in fact it meant everything.

….

The air was hot and heavy, the only sounds being soft and gentle notes of passion and want. After months of waiting, finally, finally just letting go and feeling was wonderful.

They lay together, savouring every moment, each still worried and unsure of how long this would last, what the future would hold. Neither particularly experienced in love or relationships, but pushing the worries and nerves to the back of some shared subconscious, in that moment, it felt right. It felt solid and built on something sturdy.

The kiss carried on for a beautifully long time. Neither wanted to be the one to do anything to break the spell they were under. There was passion there that was for sure, bubbling under and breaking to the surface in short, sharp shocks of emotion. But more than anything there was a comfort and an ease in each touch and taste. In the way Louis' tongue skimmed the roof of Harry's mouth, in the way they exchanged sighs and caresses. In each movement, emotion and feeling.

But in the end, in some unspoken agreement, they wrenched themselves away from each other. And they just sat, still tangle up, deep in thought, consumed by what they were feeling.

Neither man looked at each other or spoke for a long time. But there was no awkwardness or tension in the air. In fact, the air crackled with possibility, new beginnings, fresh green shoots of something neither had really believed was thinkable, not really.

Louis was the first to finally speak. 'I was a nobody too you know. Struggling to make it out of Doncaster. I owe Simon just as much as you do if not more.'

And he carried on, not letting Harry cut in, 'But if I have too I will give it all up. None of it's worth anything if I don't have you. Money, fame, acceptance. What's it worth if I let the most important thing in my life slip through my fingers. I would never forgive myself.'

The crack of emotion was right at the surface as Harry spoke, wide-eyed and almost stunned into a stupor, 'Y-you. I would give up anything for you. But I was never sure you felt the same way...'

And they were tangled back together again. In a kiss that this time spoke of relief, devotion and love. Pure, soul searching love.

There was a lot that still needed unravelling, not the least being Simon's stance on things. But the foundations were strong and in place. Each knew what they were willing to lose. And losing each other was not an option.

….

It was only just 9am.

They had covered so much ground. Laid themselves bare, talked about everything and nothing. All in the hours where most of the rest of the word was sleeping.

In a way, knowing they were alone, that they had the night to themselves, for the hundreds of thoughts and feelings they needed to put out into the world, had been reassuring. The darkness outside, and the stillness, had made them feel safe. In a vacuum of their own making.

But now as the sun started to rise, the mood started to shift and the deep, heartfelt conversations didn't come quite so easy. Didn't feel quite so necessary.

It might not have been ground breaking, or soul searching, but the sentence that left Harry's lips was more important than he could have realised. 'I'm fed up of being fed up. We've both been cooped up in our thoughts for weeks, months really. Can we just do something fun this weekend. No more talking. Let's just do. Let's just be.'

And the grin that passed between the two men said it all. This weekend was going to be a good one. Important, and normal. Just what they needed. Just what they had never had.

….

'What shall we do then?' and there was real curiosity in Louis' voice. The idea of doing something 'normal' feeling like an alien concept. Sure they had spent many an afternoon in the comfort of movie marathons and writing sessions. But that was before. Before the distance. Before they had been honest about what they were to each other.

'We could just stay here?' Harry asked hopefully.

And Louis smiled gently as he said it, 'No, we need to stop hiding away. Even if we don't mean to, that's what we're doing at the moment. Let's get out into the real world and make some memories.'

And Harry was grinning now, 'Memories, I can do memories. How about the zoo?'

'Erm, yeah, ok, a bit random, why? And where?' Louis asking.

'When I was little I used to love the zoo. I used to truly believe I could talk to the monkeys. I'd literally stand there all day and chat to them. I swear I could. Gem used to think I was crazy; she'd leave us in "conversation" and go off and explore. I don't remember, but she says that when she got back I'd still be listening intently and chatting away with them.

I haven't been to Chester Zoo in years. I'd like to go there again with you some day. But for now, I am sure LA must have a zoo, right? And you have to promise not to laugh at me.'

'I promise I won't laugh at you', Louis stuttered through his sobs of laughter.

'You can't promise not to laugh at me while you're laughing at me.' Harry stated, through his own smile that he couldn't hold back.

'Come on, I'm just getting it out of my system. I really do still have a lot to learn about you.' Louis marvelled, tapering off with a, 'I can't wait to learn it all.'