Disclaimer: The rating has changed to M now. I think you now what this means, so if you for some reason object to read about two guys having sex with each other, or are not of age yet, don't proceed.
If this is what you've been waiting for, however, or you're one of those teenagers who love to read smut in general, then I'm happy to supply you with it as of now.
Before long, it's nightfall again, and while the other four go to bed, content with a day spent doing nothing, Harry lies in bed shivering, noticing that despite still being warm down to his feet, everything around him has the felt temperature of an icicle and no matter how hard he tries, he can't seem to get comfortable in his sheets. Which is how he finds himself padding over to Draco's room in the middle of the night, careful not to wake anybody.
„Draco?", he whispers, knocking on the door.
A second later the door is ripped open, and Harry, who attempted to listen at the door, nearly stumbles into Draco, who is casually leaning against the door frame, eying him with a schooled, yet amused expression.
„What."
Contrary to Harry, Draco doesn't seem to have any inclination to keep his voice down.
Harry checks the hall, gestures behind Draco and says: „Sorry if I'm disturbing something, but uh... Would you mind if I come in?"
Not saving him the well known raised eyebrows at that point, Draco pushes the door open completely and gestures for Harry to step in without saying another word until Harry is seated on his bed and the door closed again. Turning around with the grace of a dragonfly, he gives Harry, who is sitting hunched on his bed, a quick once-over before asking: „Well, what bestows me with the honour of having the famous Harry Potter in my chambers at night?"
Harry swallows the comment about chambers quite literally.
„I know this sounds stupid, but could you show me how to do one of those charms you did this morning? I never seemed to need them and now I can't sleep because my bed is too cold even for me to heat up."
„What, your charme isn't working on your sheets? Who'd have thought..."
Draco almost chuckles. Harry just goes with it, assuming that this part of mocking drawl is just what Draco needs to have a normal conversation when he's feeling insecure. Though why he should feel insecure right now remains a mystery to him.
„Yes, I can show you, it's easy enough, but I had honestly thought you were simply freezing yourself in commiseration with the Muggles."
Now they both have their wands in their hand, and despite both only wearing their sleeping clothes, it almost feels a bit like Hogwarts again.
„I mean, I can understand that", Draco carries on, „I had originally planned to leave the Wizarding World for some distinct time and not use magic at all during that, but you know how that worked out: I found myself missing it a lot, so I kept apparating now and then and doing the dishes with my wand when nobody's watching. Well, except you."
Harry offers him a hesitant smile, finding it endearing how Draco takes to rambling when Cora is not around to safe him from awkward situations and sharing personal facts in doing so. Honesty is strangely fitting those pointed features.
„I never planned to leave the Wizarding World.", Harry offers himself. „It's just... I fled to America, and there still were people breaking down in tears when I entered a shop, touching my face and my scar because they couldn't believe I was real, telling me their horrible stories and who they'd lost all over, and... sorry, I'm like one of them." He looks down on his hands. "But I just wanted to forget for some time and then at first I was so angry when you were here, because with you here, reading your Potions books an the couch and cleaning the kitchen with a casual 'scourgify' I couldn't. I just couldn't. But lately I've come to think that, maybe... it's for the better?"
He looks up to find Draco's eyes boring into him, which makes him feel rooted to the spot, unable determine whether Draco is intrigued or angry with him and is about to throw him out, because just like him, Draco is here for some distance.
To patiently wait for the silence after the storm.
„Nubes Aliquantus Aestifer."
A cloud of warm, invisible dust settles around Harry and his bedsheets, as Draco withdraws his wand that Harry had thought he'd hex him with, and Draco moves to slump down next to him on the bed, head on his knees, his long and slender body wrapped around itself like gimme a metaphor – So beautiful but broken inside.
„This is the turn of things.", he whispers after some time, when Harry has long put his hand on his back, rubbing in slow circles. „But it's what I never was or will be: brave. Over the years I learned to put on a display of indifference whenever something that was likely to bother me happened, which was doomed to escalate sooner or later." Harry isn't sure if he sees tears glistening in Draco's eyes in the moonlight when he turns his head to him. „Harry, I know I was a rude bastard in second year, which I hope you can forgive me for, mostly because you weren't any better, but you have to believe me, I never really wanted part in this war. I know, I never spoke up, and not doing anything to stop it is also a decision of action, more severe maybe than any other, I see that now."
Harry wants to reply something but Malfoy doesn't let him.
„No, Harry, before you ask any questions, I don't need you to like me or anything, it's hard enough for myself to like me after all that has happened. It's just that... I know you're the better man.
I have accepted that long ago and a tiny, irrational part of me had always hoped that you would not only save us, but me as well." His sigh that indicates how long he had wanted to say this, but how much longer he had also denied it to himself, makes Harry flinch. He is now looking him directly in the eyes. „And you did. I will forever fail to explain how, but you did, and for that...", he inhales audibly and cracks a tiny smile, „for that I am thankful."
He exhales in the silence that follows, that Harry is unsure of how to break. The truth, that there wasn't much saving from his part because Draco managed extraordinarily well on himself seems to destroy everything and „No problem, mate.", seems like a horrible mixture of over-familiarity and disregard, so he is incredibly relieved when Draco adds a: „Wow. That was harder than I'd thought.", and smiles at Harry, his eyes now lighting up with the moonlight and an for Harry still unexperienced sincerity. It's so prepossessing Harry is afraid to blink and wants to burn the image forever onto his eyelids.
His hand still resting on Draco's back, Harry senses the situation turning awkward due to the heavy emotions both had repressed until now, but then decides for the best relief he has come to experience in his acquaintance with Hermione, and attempts to hug Draco, just as he is retreating an inch from his hand, which leads to him toppling over and bringing Draco down to the floor with him.
For a second or two they just blink at each other, until Draco says: „Staggering move, Potter. Quite literally." and the laughter finally bubbling from their throats feels like a long-held breath they are sharing, somewhat awkwardly entangled on the floor of Draco's bedroom.
They are still laughing, and therefore not noticing, when Cora comes over and opens the door without knocking.
„What the f...", she starts and then changes her mind as they are both guiltily blinking up at her against the light from the hall, „I guess, I'll sleep easier if I just don't ask. I just wanted to tell you that the landlord has just phoned, yes, phoned at 1.15am, that the heating was down due maintenance or whatever, and will be put back in charge tomorrow at 8am."
Draco and Harry, who haven't made a move of disentangling themselves from each others limbs yet, simply lie there nodding and trying to look as unmischievous as possible, until Cora wishes them a good night with a sly smile and shuffles off to Laura.
With her retreat, a somber silence fills Draco's room, and despite the lack of actual light Harry feels like he is truly seeing Draco for the first time in his life.
His clear eyes, that aren't soulless like he had always pictured them in his memory, how honest his impression appears when it isn't frightened or distorted from condescension and the story his quickening breath and the heartbeat Harry can feel under his hand tell, just like his pallid pink lips, that look so much softer than the words they're usually trading.
Draco notices his gaze, just as Harry expects him to, as well as to raise a deprecatory eyebrow, but Draco's expression stays open and earnest.
The ruthless honesty takes Harry aback and he feels his breath involuntarily hitching, as if his body is surprised by his mind's decision to leave some out-dated prejudices behind.
„Looks like I don't have to teach you these Warming Charms after all."
Draco's smile is slow and tentative and almost a little bit sad, as he drops his gaze to where his hand is resting on Harry's waist. Lying painfully still, Harry waits with his reply until Draco is looking at him again.
„Maybe another time.", he says so quietly it's hardly more than a breath. „To be honest, I don't feel like I'd need them tonight anyway."
He sees Draco's pupils dilating in the moonlight, the insinuation now hanging upon them as something they both know they want and feel impossible to act upon, until Draco is the one to muster his courage for once, and carefully but a bit gangly take off Harry's glasses with his other hand. Half-blind then, Harry moves his hand up from where it was lying on Draco's back to dangle his fingers through the fuzzy hair at Draco's neck, before mapping out the edge of Draco's jaw with his index finger. He feels the warm breath on his thump more intensely than any Warming Charm before he gently tips it on Draco's bottom lip that feels even softer than it looks. Drawing in a breath, he crooks his thumb to pull the lip down a bit and Draco's mouth open, causing Draco to do the same. For a second they both lie there, holding in a still breath as if it was the last thing they were holding back from each other, until Draco's mouth quivers into a small smile under Harry's thumb, so he slides his hand back to the side of his neck and moves in to capture Draco's mouth as if it was the last source for air in the room. The hand at his waist tightens and another curls deeply into his messy hair, causing him to completely shut his lidded eyes and start placing little, breathy kisses in quick succession to Draco's bottom lip, until Draco smoothly sucks in his upper lip and sneaks his leg between Harry's.
With his other arm, Harry props himself up a bit until he is lying half atop on Draco and glides his wet lips over his open mouth again, then sealing it with his tongue that is caught by Draco's.
A low moan escapes his throat, and Harry gets goosebumps all over, feeling their breathing mix as if they were slowly merging together. Draco's hand wanders to the small of his back, a warm presence aligning their hips, and his whole body feels on fire now, his muscles clenching from the sudden need to be closer to Draco, who is tugging at his hair while sighing into his mouth as their tongues purposefully glide over each other, smoothly teasing and curling around one another as if they had been doing this for ages. A soft sigh gets struck in Harry's throat when he has to stop for air and experiences the advantage of being nearsighted for the first time in his life: With everything else a blurry mess, the intensity of Draco's gaze is of an overwhelming magnitude that makes Harry squirm to find directed to him.
Then Draco starts to place little kisses along his jaw, nipping at his skin with hips lips until he reaches his ear and whispers: "Move this to the bed?" and sneaks both of his hands under Harry's shirt.
The immediate growing tightness in his boxers makes it impossible for Harry to do more than nod and help Draco get his shirt off, before lying down on his bed. Draco is already back, now leaning over Harry's bare torso, looking at his pale chest in the moonlight, before kissing Harry again, who opens his mouth for him in an instant, while tugging at Draco's shirt to pull it off.
"Even if you don't need me to like you", he whispers, when Draco moves to pull the shirt over his head, "let me tell you, I do."
"Then show it, Potter.", Draco says with a mischievous grin and continues to nib at Harry's throat, sucking the soft skin between his teeth.
Harry can't suppress the guttural sound he makes then, and bucks up his hips, all of a sudden very eager to do exactly what Draco suggested.
Draco smiles against his throat, and processes to plant little wet kisses down Harry's chest and abdomen, leaving Harry writhing when he licks along the line of flesh at the rim of his boxers before slowly pulling them down.
"Oh Merlin", Harry mumbles, immediately running his hand through Draco's hair when he starts to place kisses and bites on his inner thighs, before licking along the underside of his shaft.
He looks at Harry through lidded-eyes, and this alone lets Harry's insides squirm with euphoria, before Draco even swirls his tongue around the top of his penis and takes him in his mouth. Harry's grip in his hair tightens as he tries to keep his hips in place, but he can't help the low rumbles and moans escaping his throat whenever Draco moves his tongue around him. The soft sounds Draco's wet mouth makes between his legs are enough to make him gasp for air already, but before he can tell Draco to stop, Draco has moved his quick tongue to his balls, massaging them with slick finesse.
"Draco", Harry pants finally, "I think you- you really should-"
He sucks in a breath when he feels Draco's finger at his hole, easing the rim in rhythm with his tongue.
Harry opens his eyes and looks down to find Draco watching him with an attentive expression. You really think so? he asks Harry in his head and sits back between Harry's legs, not breaking the eye-contact and keeping on pushing carefully at his Draco's voice in his head and his finger practically inside him, Harry is overrun by an intense feeling of intimacy and he has to look away from Draco for a moment, because his heart won't stop beating a fierce staccato right. Yes., he thinks it's unnecessary to even direct it to Draco, because Draco should be able to read all of him in this moment, he feels so open to him, Yes, I trust you.
Draco draws in a breath at that, Harry doesn't know if from surprise or not, but doesn't do anything further until Harry looks at him again, which is when he finally pushes in his finger and moves to kiss Harry again, slow and wet and messy, while the movement of his finger along with the lube he magically procured into his hand is of cautious precision, as if he was afraid to hurt Harry in any way.
More., Harry thinks, although he's unsure if Draco's mind is not already embed in his, because that's what he would if he could carelessly use Legilimency.
Draco adds another finger, and then another one, before leaning back and watching Harry watch him coat himself with lube and moving back between Harry's legs.
Okay?, he asks, and Harry just nods, gripping Draco's waist and guiding the first thrust with him, the smack of flesh on flesh that always sounds the same, but special every time. Draco starts moving slowly, as if each thrust needed a reaffirmation from Harry that he wants it, that he wants this, that he wants to have sex with Draco, and Harry's heart aches for the raw insecurity that must last in Draco's, and slings his legs around Draco's thighs, clinging onto him like an anchor.
Draco's movements are mechanical yet sensual at first, but once he hits Harry's prostate, causing Harry to draw in a short breath, he picks up his speed and lets go off himself a little. Harry feels a small of himself, that he had been holding back, go as well then, and closes his eyes smiling, to indulge in the feeling that sparks through his body with every thrust, until Draco reaches between their bodies and strokes Harry's dick rougher then expected.
When Harry opens his eyes to look at Draco, who has his closed and bites on his lower lip, his climax takes him off guard, and he feels himself coming between their bodies and all over Draco's hand, satisfaction settling in his loins and a wide grin spreading on his face, but he sees only small white spots dancing around his vision of mussed up blonde hair.
After a few thrusts more, Draco comes inside of him as well, letting out a final growl until sinking his forehead on Harry's chest, panting avidly.
Harry curls his hand into the hair at Draco's neck and they both lie there for a few seconds, coming to their senses and settling back into the world again.
Draco lets a last heavy breath flow out of his lungs, sitting back on his heels for a moment just looking at Harry with wide pupils and an expression Harry completely fails to read. Then a tentative smile spreads on his face, almost as if he's flustered to be looking so openly, and Harry only hears him in his head when he says: Merlin was said to be magic himself, to have it pulsing through his veins like blood. What is it with you?, before he leans down to place a soft kiss on Harry's forehead and lies down next to him, curling under the crook of his arm as if the place was made for him and rests his head on Harry's shoulder.
Harry takes his hand in his, and examines it closely, slowly tugging on each fingertip and following the lines of his palm with his finger, to avoid Draco's face when he replies: "I don't know."
Draco nestles a bit closer and looks down as Harry sweeps over his fingernails.
"I'm still so new to all of this.", Harry shakes his head an inch so Draco's hair tickles his cheek, "And this is all so weird."
Draco moves his gaze to Harry's eyes. "What? Us?"
Harry huffs out a laugh. "Us? No, not really.", he takes Draco's hand into his and holds on to it, "If we're being honest, we've always been circling around each other. Of course we didn't know how all of this would end back then, but we had lots of opportunities to let each other be and simply live in peace, yet... We chose not too."
A secret smile steals across Draco's face when Harry turns his face to kiss his hair and draws him closer, and he whispers: "And you know what? I'm actually happy about it."
Harry gives him another kiss, but continues: "No, we were never weird. But this whole situation I've been trying to explain to everybody and nobody seems to listen or understand. Living here, I feel like an orphan all over again, with nobody taking me by the hand when times get hard; and back in Diagon Alley, I feel like an oddball nobody can take his eyes or hands off. And I've been dealing with this my whole life more or less, always hoping one day it would just... stop."
He let's go off Draco's hand to pull at his hair. Draco lets his hand rest gently on his belly and hooks one leg over his.
"I know. And this is unique, nobody ever will understand completely. That's just how people are, they don't like to think outside of their bubble if they have the feeling it could make them uncomfortable."
He starts drawing small circles around Harry's bellybutton, not looking Harry in the eye. "But believe me, it was similar for me. I was spat on in Diagon Alley, shops wouldn't take my 'filthy money', the only people I had were my parents. But I felt so estranged from them: My father was a fallen man. My mother couldn't fix him, and slowly despaired over it. I came here because I had no other choice when I was told I couldn't take my job until 'The dust has settled a bit.', and if Cora hadn't been poking and prodding at me everyday, I'm not sure how far I had come at all."
He looks back up again at Harry, whose heart is beating an avid rhythm in his chest and then takes his face in his hands to try and kiss some of the pain away.
"This", Harry whispers, "This is... I can enjoy something so much. But I still don't know how to go on sometimes, what for."
He closes his eyes and rests his forehead on Draco's.
"The Germans actually have a word for that", Draco replies when he has opened them again and props his head up on his arm to see Harry better, "Weltschmerz. It describes this state of mind where you sort of know you can't achieve what you long for, but can't help it, and it destroys your inner peace until you don't know what you even longed for anymore...", Draco trail off, as Harry bites his lip and nods slowly, showing him that if he needed an expression, this would be it.
To relief the tension, Harry exhales sharply and decides to change the topic. They can still talk about this later.
„So you speak German?", he draws the arm around Draco's shoulders a bit closer.
„And French, if you must know.", Draco quips, going with it, "Before I got into Hogwarts, I had a German nurse who was educated in Beauxbatons and set to raise me bilingual by talking to me in both languages, sometimes switching within one and the other during the same conversation.", Draco elaborates, his head sinking back to Harry's shoulder and glancing up at him now and then.
„Well, that certainly explains a lot of the things you got up to at school.."
Harry stops as Draco raises his eyebrows at him and already wants to say sorry, shit, I know, too early, I wasn't thinking, I... when he sees a smirk beginning to curl at the edge of Draco's lips as he replies: „Well, at least I've got a pedantic nanny with a brain to big for her own good to blame, what's your excuse?"
And Harry's face lights up with delight, not because this is the best comeback he's ever heard out of Draco's mouth – and he somehow really had been looking forward to that – but because he thinks it's incredible how easily he and Draco have managed to ignore what lies behind them, for it is what they both came here for, and maybe, just maybe, because his inside gave a familiar twang of nostalgia.
He would never have thought he had missed Draco Malfoy. And he hadn't. But getting to know him all over again from a completely different perspective changes things.
What if we had become friends when we met as children in Madame Malkins'. What if I would have been sorted into Slytherin after all. What if I could have shown you a way out when we were teenagers. What if we got a second chance for a purpose.
These are the questions keeping Harry up, not because they are an actual cause for worry, but because Harry allows himself, after a really long time, to fantasise about his Hogwarts' years again. His Hogwarts' years and all there are to come.
Draco shuffles even closer and catches Harry's hand, the had begun playing with his again.
„Hey", he breathes into Harry's ear, „are you going to lie there thinking all night?"
Harry looks down at Draco's face that is resting with peacefully closed eyes against his shoulder.
„Does it bother you?", he asks.
„A bit.", Draco crunches his nose and blinks up at him. „But maybe just because I know to which better use you could put this pretty head of yours."
His grin is mischievous and quite possibly the most beautiful thing Harry has ever seen.
„Oh? And what might that be?", he asks with a soft smile.
He gets a gentle nudge to his ribs and a sweet kiss to the edge of his mouth as an answer.
„I see", Harry grins and chases after Draco's mouth himself, „that is indeed a better idea."
And as he nestles himself properly around Draco to snog him senseless, the thought crosses his mind, that well, maybe running from things necessarily brings them back into your life. But you should never rule out, that those things maybe are exactly the kind of magic you've been looking for all along.
That's been a ride, I guess. I'm still not sure about some things (and strangely feel like writing a sequel with more relationship exploration) but immensely happy for each and everyone of you who has stuck with me until now and maybe reviews/favourites this story.
It always warms my heart. xxx