It's been days, days, and it is absolutely killing me inside to try and walk around these fucking halls like everything is just fine. It's not. I'm working my butt off to tip toe around my room mate, terrified that he might lash out and break me like I'm the china shop and he's the bull. And I'm beginning to get sick of it.

I get these moments of clarity when I'm away from Gary, ones where I almost believe that I can waltz into our dorm and demand that he leave me the hell alone. But then I open that door and I'm hit with a wave of fear.

There are things I will never be able to control in life. Like how disappointingly short I am, or the fact that Pluto isn't a planet anymore. But whether or not I live my life hiding from this dark monster living inside and outside of me, that is the one thing I should be able to manage.

Yet I still choke on my own bravery every time I go back.

Despite this intense dread residing in my chest since the latest incident (the third? Fourth? I've lost count), Gary hasn't spoken since. Not a God damn word and yet here I am, stalking around the doors to the boy's dorm, working up the strength to go in.

My hands are growing red and raw from wringing them out where I stand, leaning against the cement wall. I stare at the abandoned hop scotch scribbles on the cement, and look right through them. My mind is uncertain about what it wants me to do, but leaves the awful feeling as if hiding from my problems isn't it.

That's all Gary is, in the grand scheme of things. A problem. Yeah, a tricky equation meant to be solved with critical thinking and a lot of work. That of course leaves the question: what is the solution, exactly? What is my end game here? I don't want to get him in trouble. I just want him to not be a threat constantly nipping at my heels. I want to be able to sleep through the whole night without wondering if I'll wake up at the other end of that stray brick.

I continue to eliminate possibilities when something is thrown at the back of my head. I wince and bite back a curse, looking to see some jocks a few yards away choking back laughter. I look to see what they've thrown, and come to a sudden realization that it's actually a fire cracker.

I dive out of the way, just avoiding being a victim of the blast, though I can't say the same for the concrete, or the stinging scrapes left on my elbows.

"Well if it isn't Kowalski."

Ted, the leader of the jocks, stands in front of me with four other large teenagers. I want to crawl into a hole and die. "Alright you guys, you found me. Now, if you don't mind?" I say, getting to my feet and starting toward the dorms. I didn't really expect him to let me go, but the huge hand that swings out and grabs me by the shirt collar still surprise me.

"Hold it." He manhandles me so I stand in the center of the semi circle they have created.

"Come on, Ted. Please just let me go." There's a mild level of exasperation to my voice. Yes, in fact, I do have a death wish.

"You're going to stay right here and fucking deal with it you disgusting little sicko." He sneers.

Now, the jocks aren't exactly the friendliest kids on the block, but they usually stick to insults like "loser" and "wimp", and when they're feeling especially adventurous, "Rumpleforeskin". But there's something in the way he speaks these words that keeps me in my place. That and the massive hand weighing down on my shoulder.

"We've heard talk lately." Ted says threateningly. "About you, Kowalski. Haven't we, boys?" His lackeys all nod their heads in agreement.

My eyes shift nervously. "What kind of talk?" I ask.

Ted pulls me just a little closer as he grits through his teeth, "The kind where you're a filthy damn faggot and you've been taking pictures of us in the locker room showers."

I nearly pass out. No way am I getting out of this alive. I sputter out strings of incoherent words, swearing up and down that I never did anything even remotely close to the allegations. But they only converge around me, malice on their faces. I have to think, and fast.

I go completely limp, to the surprise of Ted, who drops me. They all pause for the briefest moment, wondering if I've fainted before the beating's even begun. I use this lull in violent intent to quickly scramble on my hands and knees between them, dragging myself up and sprinting to the dorms.

I throw the door open, hurtling down the hall and into Jimmy's room instead of my own. I can hear them barreling through the door just as I hide myself in the closet.

My breathing is growing increasingly out of control, shallow in my chest. It's too dark in the small space to see much, but I can feel various articles of clothing underneath me and I know it must be messy at best. The jocks could have gone down the hall by now, maybe even looking for me in my dorm. God, I hope Gary isn't there.

I wait. For how long I'm not certain but it couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes before Jimmy stomps into the room, throwing his bag onto the creaky bed and shutting the door a bit too roughly. I can't think of what you're supposed to say when you're hiding in someone's closet, so that's how the older boy finds me upon finally opening the door, gaping for words, looking flushed and scared.

He takes it well, really. His face is deadpan and he doesn't flinch or yell. He just stares for a long moment, tossing the situation around in his head. He reaches out a hand and pulls me up, giving me extra support when my numb legs wobble.

"So. Mind telling me what's going on?" He asks with a neutral tone.

I pretend like I'm very interested in wiping the dust off of my slacks when I say, "Oh you know, just trying to avoid being beaten to death. The norm." I almost get the whole thing out with no tremble.

I try to act casual and force out a laugh, but Jimmy doesn't buy it. His eyes stay on mine, steady. "Really. What's wrong."

I visibly deflate, closing my eyes against the red hot injustice I feel in my bones. I move to sit on the edge of his unmade bed, leaning against my knees with bloodied elbows. I rub my face wearily, letting out a shaky. "I guess someone's been telling people that I, you know... bat for the other team?"

"Okay. And?" Jimmy pushes.

I look everywhere but him. "Um, I do." I try not to think about the irony of me literally just being pulled out of a closet.

"Alright but that's not what I'm asking." He looks completely unshaken and it's times like these where I'm proud of my choice of friends. "I mean what happened. Is someone giving you shit about it?"

"Um, well, yeah. Ted and his boys-" Jimmy rolls his eyes and starts to say something, but I stop him, "they think I've been sneaking pictures of them in the showers."

He hesitates. "Oh. Wow. You are so screwed."

Mentally redefining the word "friend".

"Yeah, thanks Jimmy. Couldn't have figured that one out myself. Who needs a 4.0 GPA when I've got you?" I snap.

He holds his hands up in a sign of peace. "Alright, alright, calm down."

I look at him incredulously. "Calm down? Calm down? You're kidding, right? How can I do that when everyone is trying to kill me?" I leap to my feet, a nervous ball of energy. I walk past him and begin pacing the hardwood floor. "This isn't exactly the time to fucking calm down, Jimmy!" My voice cracks as I gesture wildly.

"Look, I get it. You're freaking out. But boucing off the walls in my room isn't going to fix anything. Do you know who started all this?" He asks.

I think hard, trying to remember anything I could have said to a student at this forsaken school. I've never told anyone outright. Bullworth just wasn't the nurturing kind of community that makes you want to come out. But maybe I didn't have to. Maybe my eyes just lingered too long on boys, offering me their sweet smiles. Or... "It's the pink, isn't it?" I say, looking down at the offending garment.

Jimmy offers a noncommittal shrug and a frown. New dress shirt it is. "Maybe someone's just starting shit."

I stop dead in my tracks. I think I feel a taste of real rage, the kind I've only witnessed on others. There is only one person who would decide to ruin my life just for fun and because the universe thinks it's terribly funny, I happen to share a dorm with him.

I storm out in the direction of my own room, choosing not to hear when Jimmy calls after me.