Hermione materialized a few feet above the TARDIS' deck, as usual. She bounced to the floor, cursed, and picked herself up, placing a hand on her aching back. Artemis stood, arms crossed behind his back, in the only shaft of light the dimly-lit spacecraft provided. His butler stood behind him, wearing a cloak of shadow.
"Mrs. Granger, I am glad to see you back."
"I'm glad to see me back, too, considering I was almost turned into a bloody pile of ashes!"
"You were aware of the risks when you joined us, Mrs. Granger."
"Sod off about the risks, Fowl. I'm too old to be doing this."
"Unfortunately, you cannot simply leave, now that you are with us. Not until our goal has been achieved. Your mission was of the utmost importance to that goal, and you completed it succinctly and with-"
"Everything's of the utmost-bloody-importance, isn't it? Reeling me into this, all of that bloody training, the clones, this bit of glowing rock!"
"It's no rock, Mrs. Granger," he said, extending an open hand. She removed it from one of her uniform's myriad pockets and placed it squarely in his palm. He squinted at it, smiling.
"Yes, this is the key to our plans. We don't have much time. Prepare for immediate transport upstairs."
"Upstair-" Hermione was cut off as the young man tapped a button on the AEGIS he wore on his arm, and she was ripped through dimensions into what appeared to be another spacecraft. A curtain of sparks opened on her left, and Artemis and his butler stepped through. They were on a panoramic bridge, surrounded on all sides by a swarm of activity. Some Rei clones sat behind monitors, keeping track of readouts. Others jumped in and out of the room using their AEGISes.
Artemis raised his voice slightly, so that his voice would carry across the massive bridge.
"Number Two, inform Dexter that we have arrived. Tell him we have the shard."
A holographic display flickered on in front of them, displaying Rei Two's face. She gave Hermione a glare and then turned her attention back to Artemis.
"Of course, Commander Fowl," she whispered, and the hologram disappeared. In an instant, the diminutive engineer skidded through a veil of AEGIS sparks, his boots failing to find purchase on the slick deck. He tripped, fell forward, and loped on all fours until he sprung to his feet and snatched the luminescent object away.
"Aaah, yesss. This shooould be just enaaawf," he gurgled, staring at it greedily. He tapped a few buttons on his AEGIS quickly and vanished, though Hermione could swear she still heard his ridiculous accent floating on the air. She blinked, stunned by the bizarre course of events. Artemis gestured forward, and the two walked to the front of the bridge. It took them some time to get there, but upon arriving, a massive blue orb rose into view over the seemingly-infinite deck of the ship.
"Oh… that's Earth. Or, an Earth. It really is beautiful."
"That it is, Mrs. Granger. But our struggle is for more than that planet, which even across so many universes we call home. No, the fate of the metaverse is at stake. That is why your mission was of utmost importance."
A vast mecha, still impossibly small next to the ship, descended and began to weld a segment of armor plate to the hull.
"She's not quite ready yet," said a voice from behind. Artemis turned, and Hermione jumped, to face the new arrival. It was a young woman, of a slender-yet-curvaceous build. Her long red hair had been tied back in a way that seemed only marginally more practical, and her Illuminati uniform hung undone down to her waist. Hermione questioned the feasibility of a flame-pattern bikini top in space, but remained silent.
"Hermione, this is Yoko Littner, this vessel's executive officer. Have you two met?"
"Briefly," said the witch. "Last time, she was older… and more clothed."
"It's my ship, I can wear what I want while I command it," snarled Yoko with a hearty chuckle.
"You had better be careful," joked Artemis. "You wouldn't want Regulations to catch wind of this."
"Regulations are a bunch of useless arrogant pricks that can't let a fork get set on the wrong side of a plate. If it were up to me, I'd have them booted off of this ship. Let 'em regulate a vacuum."
"But it is not up to you, Yoko," replied the young man. "Your duties are the operation of this craft, which will serve as our base from this time onward. Management of the divisions, including Regulations, is the task of Chief Program Coordinator Harhui Suzumiya. All complaints may be addressed to her."
"Can't take a joke, can you? Jeez."
Artemis plugged a few coordinates into his AEGIS.
"I'm afraid I need to go and supervise Engineering's new project. I'll leave you two for now." He tapped the final button and began to dissolve into azure flickers. "And I assure you I can take a joke," he finished as he warped away.
Yoko crossed over to the glass- Hermione was certain it wasn't glass, because using glass in a vessel like this would be silly- and looked out at the under-construction ship, and her home planet beyond.
"So… you saw them? Are they… okay?"
Hermione gave a shallow nod. "They seemed to be taking everything in stride. They sounded like a couple of jokesters."
"That's them all right," Yoko sighed. "They were my closest friends, you know."
"Right," confirmed Hermione. She looked back at the executive officer and remembered that she had an important question. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get… young?"
"Research and Development came up with it. They've got The Doctor's machine hooked up to this old girl," she explained, patting the glass. "It emits an excess of 'Time Vortex' energy. Normally, the stuff's pretty dangerous and unpredictable, but we've got the best scientists in the metaverse. They came up with a way to direct tiny amounts into morphing bodies back into those from earlier in the time-stream. As you can see, it works pretty well."
"You don't say. What does one have to do to get this treatment?"
Yoko shrugged. "I saw them setting it up, and I asked what it was. They told me. I asked if I could test it out for them, and they said sure."
Hermione snatched Yoko's AEGIS and held it up in front of her face.
"Where? Is? It?"
"Easy, easy. I'll give you the coordinates. What's the rush?"
"I can't keep fighting like this. I'm going to get myself killed. Any edge would be useful, and-"
"The husband's complaining?"
Hermione fired off a punch that could be heard from across the room. Yoko spun in place a few times before she hit the ground.
"Jeez," gasped Yoko, placing a hand on the deck to push herself up. "I really struck a nerve, didn't I? I've got to remind myself that I'm not hanging out with a bunch of boys anymore."
Hermione staggered back, shocked by her own action. "I… I didn't… I'm sorry-"
"Don't be sorry," said Yoko, wiping a trail of blood from the corner of her mouth. "I crossed a line I shouldn't have. And besides, I'll pay it back. As the captain, I get to slap around my subordinates all I like!"
Hermione began to believe that she wanted to serve some other trans-dimensional organization. Yoko typed in a few digits on the woman's AEGIS, and walked back toward the tiller. A group of janitorial Reis rushed to where she had fallen, wielding their mops and buckets.
"Make sure you leave a little, so I can look down and remember not to make that mistake again!" she called to one of the passing girls. The Rei stopped, giving Yoko a dumbfounded, distant stare.
Nobody laughs at all.