This chapter is from Tsukki's POV. I wanted to write him a little bit twisted and mostly confused as hell. Hope it is not OOC. Thanks for reading!
Living with Yamaguchi was something Tsukishima never had to think too much on. (Or maybe, at first). Because Yamaguchi was there. Always. The times Tsukihima felt like he really needed him and the times he did not even realize he was longing for him. He was there. As thin as September mist on the windowpanes, and then sometimes suddenly, as strong as monsoon rains. If he needed to describe the smaller guy's existence with one word, (why? well using more words to describe a simple thing was a symptom of idiocy) it was natural. Like every natural thing that he was accustomed to since birth; his bad eye-sight, his strange habit of clamping his hands together when he was stressed, his joy of sarcasm, his favourite cake. So, it was that simple to live with Yamaguchi.
Therefore, he didn't hesitate for a second to offer to live together. The thing he wasn't expecting was Yamaguchi's overly surprised reaction. He misread it at first as a threat to his rock strong customs, and panicked just as the guy he was, as if someone had just announced his 9:10 morning train would never run again.
He felt blood rushing to his brain at that moment, and something ominous inside him talking with his mouth. "If you don't want to-"
Then came relief, with Yamaguchi's protest -of course he wanted to live with him- so quick that he didn't have the chance (or good luck one could say) to experience the depths of the fear.
And it was times like this Tsukishima usually wondered if that was the same Yamaguchi he knew, this guy in front of him, flushing with excitement like an elementary school kid. Even so, in the end he was not able to explain the unintelligible reason for the pounding in his ears.
ooo
But after a while, things had started to change in a scarily weird way. Like him wanting to touch Yamaguchi out of nowhere, to stroke his freckled face softly, brush his bangs aside, and even hug him. It hadn't happened before, with Yamaguchi or anyone else. Maybe it was a consequence of living together, maybe it was a hormonal thing that was simulated around this age... there had to be a meaning, a scientifically rational reason. Maybe... Tsukishima had never fallen in love and he did not believe in the existence of such feelings that would make you feel like you were someone other than yourself, a delusional creature constantly thinking about another. No. It was not happening, not with Yamaguchi, not with his only friend. Sure, he liked him. Just like he loved Akiteru, though maybe in a slightly different view. But this didn't mean it was anything romantic, or related to that business. He wasn't delusional…yet? Or maybe he was. Because sometimes he was finding himself imagining what Yamaguchi was doing at that moment, whether he was falling asleep in classes, whether he was having his lunch, what t-shirt he wore that day and that the very thought of these might mean love was scaring him to the death.
It became hard to live with Yamaguchi after that, being overly self-conscious, trying to control his actions, reading every gesture of Yamaguchi's. He then realized he never knew about Yamaguchi's interests regarding love. Was there anyone he was interested in? What was his type? Maybe, in just a very small percentage of possibility, Yamaguchi was having the same romantic feelings towards him. But then Tsukishima would deny every little thought, because psychology said that how you perceive things change according to your thoughts. It wasn't anything. It was just an uncontrollable desire of wanting to love Yamaguchi in an entirely different way, in which he could keep him in his arms and never let him go.
The idea stuck to Tsukishima to the point where he was on the verge of losing his mind. A scientific experiment with two subjects, himself and Yamaguchi. And a tool which should be another human, a male human to be precise. If he were to 'date' another man, he would be able to figure it out. If his feelings towards Yamaguchi were only hormonal, then he should feel same with another human. And if this human was male then Yamaguchi's views towards homosexuality would become clear. There was also a hidden motive; if he were to be with another person, how would Yamaguchi react? It was the best solution he could come up to test the waters and to understand the nature of those feelings he was harboring, without risking their friendship, and hurting him for no reason. Therefore the only thing that he needed was the tool, and that was how Kuroo came into their lives. As nothing more than a mere experiment tool. (Or maybe, at first).
ooo
Kuroo attended the same university as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi and was on the volleyball team as expected. He was pestering Tsukishima to hang out with him almost since the first day of the university, each time finding something new to offer. For Tsukishima, Kuroo was nothing more than an annoying acquaintance, although he respected him as a volleyball player. It all happened when Tsukishima finally accepted Kuroo's offer (on the 100th attempt!) to go to a cafe. Apparently this smug bed-hair guy 'had the hots' or something like that for him, which may or may not be equal to romantic feelings. Tsukishima never thought he'd be able to find his experiment tool so quickly, so he agreed to date with him without any hesitation. What could really go bad? He could observe the process and measure the pros and cons and then, when the time was up, he could dump him.
What Tsukishima failed to calculate was that this so-called-tool could have demands, desires, and was just another yarn of mixed emotions. It was his first kiss. He was not a stupid shoujo heroine to cry over a first kiss, but if he would have to kiss someone, he wanted it to be Yamaguchi, preferably on that night he'd found his roommate sleeping on the couch with Tsukishima's magazine over his chest. It was that magazine he had put on the coffee table, open to the same page for weeks, all for Yamaguchi to realize and read. He still felt embarrassed of how indirect he could be, but that was the best to be considered romantic. Even so, the brunette peeked at it seemed, if that silly smile on his face was any indication. It was then, he couldn't help himself and slowly puffed to Yamaguchi's freckled cheeks saying 'There are still dust on your face'. He should have kissed him at that moment.
He never planned to kiss Kuroo in front of Yamaguchi. It was awful and hurt more than enough seeing his shocked face. But at the same moment, something cruel woke inside him. A curious thing eagerly waiting for Yamaguchi to say something. To shout, preferably. 'What's the meaning of this', 'You can't be with him', 'I .. I like you' maybe. Shout and get hold of his arms and shake him until he realized that Yamaguchi was wanting him as well.
That did not happen. He quietly went his room. He escaped. He left Tsukishima there. Alone with Kuroo.
It took until midnight to gain a courage to knock Yamaguchi's door that night. He immadiately regretted being there. It was the first time the brunette's eyes told Tsukishima that he was not welcomed to be in Yamaguchi's universe -even if it was for a short time. He told Yamaguchi then, turning his back -because his face was a mess- he and Kuroo would not bother him anymore.
ooo
It had been more than four months, and the experiment had already lost its purpose. He was worse off than he had been initially. Everything was a mess now, his feelings towards Yamaguchi, his feelings towards Kuroo, Yamaguchi's feelings towards him, Yamaguchi's feelings towards Oikawa. He had no idea how the hell Oikawa had gotten himself into this already fucked up equation. He was in the state of mind of a believer waiting for a sign, something divine, to move forward.
The phone rang then, giving him chills. The caller's name did not surprise him though.
'Babe, how are you? I am the best boyfriend ever, I found us tickets for the opening show."
"What show?" Tsukishima asked frowning.
"That DJ gathering you were curious about!"
For a moment, some warm liquid flowed around Tsukishima's heart. Still he kept his voice firm. "When?"
"So cold Tsukki, praise your boyfriend first!" a loud whining echoed after.
"Are you a dog?"
"If you want me to be?" Quickly recovered as it sounded, Kuroo happily went on. "I can bark! Woof woof wo-"
"Stop it Kuro, I said when?"
"It's this Saturday babe."
"Oh.. I- I'm supposed to go to a concert with Yamaguchi on that day…"
"Oh is that so." Kuroo's voice broke into a melancholic tone once more. Tsukishima could easily picture him pouting.
"Yeah."
"Well, it really is a waste. But guess you shouldn't break a promise." Seriously how could a man change his mood from sad to normal this quickly?
"Yeah."
"I'll talk to you later my sweet ho-"
"See you Kuroo."
Tsukishima rested his head on the arm of the beloved sofa. Actually he was really looking forward to going to that concert with Yamaguchi. Even though he had never listened the band, it would be a great change to see Yamaguchi's carefree smile - which was rare to see nowadays -, his blushing all over his face, and to listen to him accompany every single song like he was always used to when listening to his iPod while cooking - which was also rare nowadays. He was eagerly wanting to go, but some part of him was scared. Scared like someone who doesn't know how to swim would be, knowing he would be pushed to the pool in a couple of minutes. Because he did not deserve to see him, not after stealing away the things they share; the breakfasts, movie marathons, long walks at night. He was at fault. But it was also Yamaguchi's fault to an equal extent, for not voicing any of his desires, angers, or disappointments. It was the brunette's role to speak out in their relationship. He was the one to voice the unspeakable. Just like he did in the summer training camp in Tokyo years ago. All he needed was that kind of courage. But he was silent. Like a cold, sharp knife.
One more time, said the voice inside him. It was also becoming natural, Tsukishima feared, to hear this cursed voice this frequent. Even so, he decided. To trick Yamaguchi once more.
ooo
"Tsukki, I'm home!"
Not realizing how long he had dozed off for, Tsukishima opened his eyes to Yamaguchi's gentle frame. He smiled unwittingly.
"Where are you coming from, practice again?"
"Yeah."
The smile was erased quickly, and turned into a crooked gesture. "If you're this interested in volleyball, why didn't you join the team?"
"It's just a pastime Tsukki." Yamaguchi averted his eyes.
"Don't you think it takes a lot of time for just a pastime?" The inquiry gave the expected effect, and Yamaguchi squirmed in his place uncomfortably.
"I didn't realize."
"I bet that arrogant guy is using you!" It was not a question, but a statement.
Yamaguchi froze after that, and locked his eyes with Tsukishima's. They were cold, cracked, and sad somewhere deep.
"He is not! And I'm not a thing to be used."
Ahh, struck a nerve, Tsukishima thought.
"And he actually is nice, Tsukki, you know," Yamaguchi continued, his face warming into a soft expression.
"So you like to spend time more with him."
"Yea- Huh? More? What do you mean?"
"I mean... never mind."
"What is it Tsukki?"
"We haven't seen a movie together for months."
"Yeah, because-"
It's because of me, Tsukishima thought. Come on. Say it. Say it now. Say it and I – I'll kiss you. Tell you that I am a disgusting sly schemer, and that I love you.
"Sorry Tsukki!"
Tsukishima felt like crying then, and barely registered the rest. "We can watch one tonight."
"No, I have a homework," he quickly recovered. Just wait for the final, he repeated to himself.
"Oh."
Tsukishima took a deep breath and revealed. "Yamaguchi, look, I think I won't make it to the concert."
"W-Why?"
"It seems Kuroo arranged something, and he really insisted on it. So. I know we talked about it a long time ago..."
"Kuroo arranged…" Yamaguchi repeated with an uncharacteristic coldness in voice. He stood there for a while like he was wondering what those words mean. Realizing Tsukishima's eyes on himself, Yamaguchi startled and put a fake smile on his face. "Ahh..N-No problem Tsukki! It's not like you promised to go with me. I forced my desires on you…as always."
As always, hit Tsukishima more than Yamaguchi intended to. "No, I wanted to -."
"It's okay Tsukki." It was not comfort. It was an order to put an end to nonsensical act full of pretenses and artificial smiles. "I-I think I forgot my books in the gym.. So silly arent I?" Yamaguchi stuttured as he turned his back and hurried to the door.
Take care, Tsukishima wanted to say, but the words could not come out of his mouth. Among the things Tsukishima learned so far, one thing was he wished ne never knew. That the back of Yamaguchi was really cruel.
ooo
The room was already dark, and silent like a long forgetten cemetery, dead and lonely. Luckily, there was someone loud that Tsukishima could call.
"Tsukki."
"..."
"Tsukki, what's wrong?"
"Come and get me."
"Haah? What happened? Are okay?"
"I am okay. Just come and get me."
"I was about to go to-"
"Never mind then."
"Nooo, noo I'm coming."
This guy was a mystery to him. No matter how cold and indifferent he was, Kuroo was not affected a bit. He remained as lively as always. Tsukishima was sure he would be there before half an hour. He realized that he was that kind of guy. He was feeling guilty playing around with him like this, or maybe himself was the one being played around. It was all mess and he didn't care. He needed Kuroo. For the first time, not Yamaguchi but Kuroo. He felt a pain in his chest.
Kuroo came in out of breath. He'd run up the stairs, that idiot.
"Tsukki, what's wrong? Did something ha-"
"Shut up."
Tsukki slowly cupped Kuroo's face in his hands. Kuroo was not a bad person, he was gentle and caring. He was here for him, just when he needed him. Like Yamaguchi was. He never wanted to touch Kuroo like he wanted to Yamaguchi. Until now. Because he was certainly wondering how his lips would feel right now. While his dark worrying eyes were searching his to find a clue.
"Tsukki are you sure -"
Tsukishima silenced Kuroo with his lips. Just a small peck.
"Whooa- What was that? Oh my god! My baby bird just initiated a kiss."
"Stop it Kuroo. It was merely a kiss."
"No it was definitely a kiss! Ahh I am so happy. Hey."
"What."
"Do it one more time please."
"No."
"Please, I'm begging ya."
"First erase that disgusting grin on your face."
"I can't help it! It stuck."
Tsukishima kissed him once more, for real this time. Forgetting all the definitions, possibilities, and the facts. Just focusing on the warmness of the lips he was discovering. Forgetting what he really intended to do, what he really wanted to do, and who he really needed to.
He was ill to the core and it was called Yamaguchi, that sickness eating him rotten. There was not an antidote. Only just when the fever hit high, Kuroo was the perfect ecstasy.