This fic is starting to go into the deep stuff and I hope I was able to do it justice. I'd like to send a huge shout out to Loueze and NotAnIslander for their incredible insight that helps keep me focused. Plus, a million thanks to Loueze for beta-ing and advising.
All mistakes are mine.
May I
Katniss showed up to work still in a daze the next morning. She couldn't pin point exactly what it was that made her so giddy. She just woke up feeling like the world was a beautiful place and how fortunate she was to be alive at this moment and this time.
She had just walked into her office when Johanna barged in.
"What are you doing Katniss?"
Katniss? Johanna never called her Katniss. Oh-oh.
"What are you talking about?"
Johanna held up one finger, pulled out her phone from her pants pocket and attached it to a speaker. She pointed it towards the door adjusting the volume.
"Johanna, what are you doing?"
"This conversation is private brainless and excuse me but I don't trust your secretary, not anymore. So keep your voice low." Johanna whispered as she took Katniss by the hand and walked her to the far end of the room.
"What's going on?"
"That's exactly what I need to know, what's going on?"
Katniss didn't answer and just scowled at her friend.
"With Blondie?"
"What do mean, "what"? We're working. You know very well that he is the brains behind the holiday party."
Katniss can't quite look at her in the eyes as she says this. Johanna shakes her head.
"Lunches all the time, leaving the office to spend the whole day with him, late night coffee runs? I thought the interns were supposed to be doing the dirty work?"
"It's just work. Do I need to remind you that it isn't exactly my line of work, but it is my responsibility and I'm getting it done, w-w-with him."
"Go bullshit someone who choses to believe you, I don't."
"Then I don't know what you are talking about, much less what you want me to say." Katniss was getting upset, she didn't like getting cornered like this.
"We've been friends for a very long time. I've seen you in your best and I've seen you at your worst. I know you."
Katniss shrugs her shoulders like a petulant child.
"You are so transparent Katniss, everyone can see right through you. It's also written all over your face."
"What is?"
"Katniss you're happy!"
Katniss guffaws.
"Please, I haven't not been happy in a very long time."
"It's just different Brainless. It's like you glow, there's a different light in your eyes…anyone paying attention can see it."
Her head snaps towards her.
"And it's always after you've been with him. You're not boinking him, are you?"
"Johanna!"
"Look, would this be a random guy, I'd be rootin' for ya! But its not, it's Peeta, and although I worry about you, right now, I'm worried about him even more." She shakes her head. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I just want to know that you're doing it for the right reasons."
The look in Johanna's eyes was real bonafide concern.
"I think we're friends again. It's all good Johanna. We're enjoying each other's company."
"Are you seriously telling me that's all this is to you?"
Katniss thinks back to the night when they almost kissed. She'd wanted to do it so badly and he seemed just as willing and then last night at the wharf, dancing with him was so much fun, so perfect. She can't get the thought of how right it feels to be in his arms.
"I….I…I don't know, it's like…when he looks at me, my insides melt." She Lets her head fall back against the wall and sighs sadly.
"I can't tell you what to do and trust me, I'm not trying to…just please be careful."
"Geez, you make me sound like some careless bitch out to eat his heart or something." Katniss was annoyed.
"Not at all. But Katniss, you didn't see him the last time. I don't know if he could survive the same thing again.'
"What do you mean last time? What are you talking about?"
Johanna squares her shoulders and crosses her arms.
"He came looking for you once. Keep in mind this was during your "Anti-Peeta" rampage. I think around the time you started hanging out with Darius. Anyway, said he had to explain something."
"And?"
"I've been thinking lately, that maybe he found out what had happened to him and wanted you to know."
Katniss couldn't believe what she was hearing. Anger was building up inside…
"Why am I hearing of this now?" Her voice was flat and her tone was clearly angry.
"Don't you dare get all uppity with me." Johanna said defensively pointing her index finger at Katniss. "You were very adamant that if any of us heard or saw anything in regards to him, you did not want to know. We weren't even allowed to say his name remember?'
Katniss exhaled heavily, her shoulders slumped. Johanna was right, she had been very strict on enforcing this rule while on her drive to forget everything about Peeta. Not that it helped, he was not to be forgotten.
Prim, Gale and Madge weren't too eager to comply either constantly calling her out on her exaggerated exile from the real world.
"And you were barely getting your crap back together."
"You're right." She said defeated. She looked over at Johanna. "W-w-what hap- what happened then?" she asked, biting her lip. Why was she nervous?
"I sent him on his way..." Johanna looked lost in a sad memory. "Katniss I don't ever want to see him look like that again. So dejected, so miserable… he broke my heart. Hard thing to do given I'm a self-proclaimed shrew!"
That made Katniss chuckle but the mirth of the comment faded fast. She slumped into her chair, conscious of Johanna watching her.
"Dude, that thing you don't want to put a name to, it's written all over your face and like I said before, everyone can see it, especially your friend Vee out there!"
That made Katniss sit up pretty quickly.
"Yeah, what's all that about?" she asked.
"Well your bestie's gossiping about your sudden interest in party planning, a.k.a. Blondie and the long hours you devote to meetings and samplings and so on, and to what those work meetings entail a.k.a. sex…." Johanna wagged her eyebrows at Katniss suggestively.
"Why would she do that?"
"Are you dense? She's hot and bothered for him and he hasn't showed any interest even though she's really put it out there if you know what I mean? He also hasn't shut her down which is his bad."
"I don't know what you mean," Katniss stammered.
Johanna rolled her eyes. "She's been hounding him. Texting and such, sending him pics, hot pics. Insinuating they could meet up, and "I bet my buttons", she got the number from you."
"I might have asked her to respond to a text once or twice." Katniss looked uncomfortable.
"He hasn't mentioned anything to you?"
She shrugs. "Why would he?"
Johanna huffed exasperated. "You two are weird! You're so into each other but refuse to yank off the Band-Aid."
Katniss glared.
"Anyways, point is you don't want word of this to get to Effie. You should ask him to put an end to it, write her off."
Katniss thought for a second. "Have you thought that maybe he likes it."
The thought was painful.
Johanna guffaws.
"Blondie isn't into red-heads." she said reassuringly. "Only brunettes can make him squeal, grunt and pant within 3 minutes time."
The joke might have been crass but it made her laugh.
"You need to ask him to tell Lavinia to stop what she's doing, though."
Johanna was serious.
"How do you know so much?" Katniss asked raising an eyebrow.
"Ahhh, the office vine is intricate but small and you never know who might be listening."
"I can't just talk to her about it, she'll think I'm jealous."
"Well, you're the boss…so I think you have to. It's unprofessional. What would Effie say if she found out?"
"Noted..." Katniss sighed. "How am I supposed to trust Lavinia now?"
"You can't."
….
"Peeeeetaaaa!" Katniss moaned.
"Just like you remember?"
"Better, so much better!"
"Katniss, look at me. Breathe." Peeta chuckled.
"Oh my God!"
"Good?"
"So good!"
"So you like it?"
"I love it!"
Another soft quiet chuckle.
"Pace yourself, there's more where that came from."
"I can't, its too good!"
"You're insatiable."
"You have no idea!"
Peeta grins widely.
"Stop staring!" Katniss pushes the plate away, embarrassed.
"I can't. Watching you enjoy yourself is a pleasure in itself."
"Well what about you?"
"Trust me I'm good."
"Come on!"
He laughs, loud and boisterous.
"You are probably so full of the cheese buns that there is no room for the lamb stew I have waiting."
Her head snaps in his direction.
"You made lamb stew?" she said with a mouth full of bread and wide eyes.
"I told you to pace yourself." He smirked, trying to hide his amusement.
"And I told you, I was going to keep wanting more and more, they're so good!"
"Tell you what? I'll pack it up for you, so you can have it for lunch tomorrow."
Leave it to Peeta to always be looking out for her.
"Absolutely not!"
He raises his eyebrows to her.
"Give me 20 minutes…" she stuck out her chin.
"Are you serious? After all those buns?" He asks with wide eyes.
"Don't you remember anything about me?" she asked jokingly.
For a moment Peeta was silent, his eyes darkening briefly.
"I remember everything about you." he answered with a sad look.
They stare at each other for a long moment. He looks away but she can't baer to drag her eyes away from him. She isn't smiling.
He can feel her eyes on him and awkwardly enough doesn't know what to do with himself nor can he control the blush that rushes over his face. So he laughs. It seems to break her trance.
"What's so funny?"
Her voice is serious. That can't be good.
For some reason no matter how hard his brain tries, Peeta is at a loss for some witty come back.
"You were staring…and…well, excuse this 13 year-old boy who got nervous."
She finally smiled.
"I'm sorry, I just-I was lost in thought."
He returned her smile.
She watched him as he moved around the kitchen. There were so many questions she wanted to ask him, so many doubts. What did he think about Lavina? Did he think she was pretty? Did he welcome her advances? And did he see the possibility of a future with her? Did that mean he was looking for a serious relationship? Or was he just looking for a quick hook-up? Is he the kind of guy who only wants a fun time? Then how many women has there been in all these years since? Has anyone ever mattered to him?
The silence had been too long for him.
"You're staring again."
She took a deep breath and smiled at him.
"Peeta, why aren't you out there having fun?' she asked. Unlike the last time she dove into dangerous waters, this time she didn't run away and looked him straight in the eyes.
"I am having fun."
She smiled at him but she wasn't going to let him deflect himself out of this conversation. So she stared at him again, not being able to contain herself.
"Why aren't you out there? Having fun, I mean?" he asked.
She chuckled.
"Touché." She looked down at her hands before she looked straight into his eyes. "You know that the party scene has never really been my thing. And the older we get, the younger the kids are clubbing. So it makes you want to go those places less."
"No kidding."
"I much prefer quiet evenings. A good meal. Great company."
"You see we have that in common." Peeta tried to sound breezy but knows he failed. The awkwardness was slowly taking over.
"Come on, Peeta. We both know somebody would love for you to take her out."
That might have just come across as sounding bitter. Katniss just did not know how to approach this subject.
Peeta scowled not really understanding where she was going with this line of questioning.
"If you're worried about office politics," she continued. "I have no probl-"
"I don't understand where you're going with this?" he interrupted.
Peeta was confused and hurt. He knew she was talking about her secretary but did she want him to date that girl?
"Lavinia, Peeta. I'm talking about Lavinia." she said shortly. Suddenly her patience started waning.
"Your secretary? What about her?" Peeta was trying to get a rise out of Katniss, get under her skin.
"I know she's expressed interest...reached out. I...I need to know if you reciprocate that interest?"
Peeta was utterly confused. Was Katniss jealous? Her angry tone made it seem that way. And he liked the idea of her possessiveness.
Katniss noticed he looked amused and that irritated her even more, why couldn't he understand the seriousness of this situation?
"Well?" She huffed.
"Well what?" he said trying to hide a smirk.
"Are you going to ask her out, hook-up, whatever, I don't know?"
There was no hiding her bad mood anymore. Screw the lamb stew.
"What I don't understand is why you're so upset?"
"She obtained your information through me, through the company, that is against policy and I may have to sanction her."
Katniss had raised her voice and that previous high Peeta was on had been squashed. Was Katniss' interest purely professional?
"Had you two met outside the office it would be very different. But if you're interested…"
Her anger turned to disappointment.
"What if I was?"
There was no way in hell he was interested in the red head but he was curious about Katniss' intentions.
"I'll look the other way, pretend I don't know anything." she answered softly.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you like her and who am I to stand in your way?"
Her voice was soft now and she avoided his eyes. He reached out and placed his hand over hers.
"Katniss, I'm not interested in the least bit. I was actually considering asking you how to get her to back off without hurting her feelings, since you know her and all."
Katniss felt relief flood through her, but tried not to show it.
"She's talking crap about us in the office."
"What? Why? What's she saying?"
"That we..." she waved a finger between the two of them. "are getting along instead of working, and it's all because you haven't given into her charms especially with her awesome tit pic which I haven't seen but I've been told about."
Peeta blushes. She smiles.
"You're cute for being embarrassed but if you didn't lead her on-"
"You think I'm cute?"
"Focus, Peeta!"
"I didn't. Lead her on I mean. Or encourage her or even flirt. All I've ever been is polite." He is beginning to lose his temper.
"With some people that's all it takes," she breathes.
He sighs tiredly. "So where do we go from here?"
"You tell her you're not interested and if she keeps insisting, I'll have to speak with her myself which I was hoping to avoid."
Peeta looks confused.
"Because I'd come across as being jealous!" she rolls her eyes.
Peeta chuckled.
"It must be the heat from the ovens because I've been back here all day, so my brain isn't working tonight, but...why would that be so bad?"
"Not that it would be bad Peeta, but I assume that you want to be considered for the Anniversary dinner next year?"
"Yes."
"Then you want Effie to believe that you are as professional and as gentlemanly as propriety dictates."
"Alright." Peeta says finally understanding but wondering if Katniss is just looking out for him after all.
"Those things are very important to Effie. Besides if this whole jealousy story gets too big, it may seem like an abuse of power on my part, and I don't want office drama again."
"Again?"
"Once. With an intern. Years ago."
Katniss was hesitant to continue this conversation but he was curious. He wanted to know everything about her.
"Long story, maybe someday."
"-kay."
To defer the awkwardness of the last ten minutes, Peeta drastically changed the subject.
"So are you ready for the lamb stew now?"
...
"I can't believe that you ate a whole batch of cheese buns and two huge bowls of the stew! Where do you keep it all?" Peeta was very amused.
Katniss laughed. "You can deflect all you want Mellark, but you haven't answered my question. Not really."
"What question?" he asked, confused.
"Why are you here, Peeta?"
She was serious again.
"Why is it so important to you Katniss, are you feeling guilty?"
At moments like this he wonders what point is there to holding back. She has questions, he has questions. Why not let them all come out, get rid of the elephant in the room that's been with them since that first day in her office.
She is so difficult to read sometimes. She's friendly, she's flirty, she's open, she's proper, she wants me, she doesn't.
"Yes. No. Yes...I just..."
Why was it so hard to answer him?
"I don't want me, my project, this job...to keep you from your life. I can assure you we're not worth it. Your help is heaven sent and spending time with you is wonderful, for me at least..." She looks at her hands. "But I'm afraid of being a burden on you. I know you Peeta. Loyalty is one of your best qualities and flaws."
His eyes snapped to hers. The stare was between angry and frustrated and something else she couldn't name.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you gave me your word, and that equals to you putting your own needs aside until you fulfill your promise."
She obviously hasn't realized that his devotion to her is not because of some promise to help but out of love.
"Katniss, I relieve you from your guilt. You are not keeping me from any other interests. I have none at the moment and that includes women."
"Peeta-"
"No. Rest assured that I do not consider my time spent with you as a waste. Do you?"
"No! I didn't say or mean that. Please don't put words in my mouth."
He was upset and couldn't help it. She'd hurt him.
"Then I don't understand what your fishing for Katniss? Are you here out of pity. Do you feel sorry for the dumb bastard that apparently doesn't have anything better to do with his free time than plan other people's parties?"
"NO!" she yelled at him, angry. The very thought that she could pity him was appalling.
They stared each other down.
"Peeta, I-"
"You know that road goes both ways, what about you, Katniss? Why aren't you dating anyone?"
She had opened the door to this line of questioning. She took a deep breath.
"Or is there some boyfriend you've failed to mention in all this time, waiting for you at home while you grab a bite with your ex.?"
"There is no one?" she snapped.
"And why is that Katniss?"
He's trying very hard to reign in his temper but can't help the fury seep out into his voice.
"It just hasn't happened."
They stared at each other. He doesn't ask anything else, just stares.
"I don't know what impression you might have of me but I just don't go out looking for boyfriends. I meet someone, we become friends and it evolves from there and that doesn't happen as often as you might think."
"How often has it happened?"
There it was the question that was burning him alive.
"Since we broke up, how often has it happened?"
She didn't want to answer him, it made her uncomfortable, although, why should she feel awful for having a life outside of him?
Truth is, since they reconnected they've been treading water around each other, like old acquaintances and not as though they had been very significant to one another at one time.
Johanna was right, Katniss thought. They were afraid to yank off the band aid because the truth was that he was vitally important to her. Always has been.
"Twice." she finally replied.
Twice. Only twice. That's two more than there ever should have been in her life.
"It's just...Peeta?"
She was looking intently into his eyes but all the bravado from earlier was gone.
"Please tell me that all this isn't because you might think you owe me anything. You don't."
Wait...what? The plains on his face hardened.
"What? Owe you anything?"
She can't look at him.
"Why would I - Katniss, Finnick spoke to you, he told me so."
"He did." she confirmed.
"Then why would you think...do you still hold me responsible, do you still blame me?"
He just can't get anywhere with this woman. As much as she is interesting and fascinating, she's also confusing.
"No. No, no, no. Trust me. I let that go a very long time ago."
"I have to admit I'm incredibly confused. I don't understand what is going through that pretty little head of yours. But you must know that out of anything that moves me towards you, a sense of debt is not one of them."
What does Peeta have to do that he hasn't done yet to show her how much he still cares? How can he show her how vitally important she is to him, always has been. He turns back towards the sink and continues with the dishes. She takes out a clean dish towel from a cabinet next to him and begins drying.
Katniss nods as if satisfied with his answer but not done with the conversation.
"I believe you, though I'm still worried about you?"
"Worried about me?"
She stopped drying the cookie sheet in her hand and turns to him.
"Peeta you're this incredibly handsome, great guy. You're sweet and polite and caring and talented and too charming for your own good!"
"You say that like that's a bad thing?" He said with a smirk.
"No. But does anyone ever say "no" to you?"
He half smiles.
"Peeta, you have this huge heart, and you're so giving to anyone around you. Someone like you deserves all the happiness he can get with someone who appreciates how special you are."
"You're pretty special yourself."
She smiles shyly.
"I told you mine, now you tell me yours." She wagged her eyebrows and he laughed. He knew what she wanted to hear.
She tried to play it off but the idea of the hordes of women that must have walked through his bedroom eats her alive.
"Come on Mellark, spill," she mock punched him.
He looks down towards the sink at the memory.
"One!"
Her name was Cressida, a news producer for the local television station. Smart, funny, beautiful with dirty blonde hair, blue-grey eyes, lean built and an amazing sense of humor. She could start up a conversation with anyone, very witty and well-read. Determined, self-confident and very no nonsense, she'd often reminded Peeta of Johanna, both girls being so ballsy.
They met at the Food and Restauranteur Convention, when she approached him and Rye to ask them if they would mind being interviewed by Cesar Flickerman, the local news celebrity. Rye jumped at the opportunity to flirt shamelessly with this woman and to plug their bakery on local television.
"Where is your bakery?"
"Mellark's in Victor's Village. Corner of Merchant and 74th. You should come and try our cheese buns, we're famous for them."
She walked away laughing saying she'd think about it.
She came into the bakery on a Saturday afternoon, not too long after.
Rye was tending the counter while Peeta was in the back. The banter was playful, hilarious. Rye tried to test the waters, but she would shoot him down, clearly not interested but very amused, so he invited her to a get-together he was having that night in their apartment. They needed more fun people around he said.
"Sure, why not?" she'd said.
...
It was a quiet reunion of Rye's closest and dearest. Just lots of beer, great food and humiliating party games meant to amuse at one's expense. There were more people than space in their cramped living room but it felt cozy. Even Will and his pregnant wife Bonnie, were there.
Cressida came along with her friend Mesalla, workmate and bestie, as she introduced him to the crowd. She looked beautiful, a flirty dark green summer dress that brought out the blue in her eyes, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, her face fresh and clean. She looked much younger than the previous time Peeta had seen her, less intimidating, more open.
"So what are we celebrating?" she asked as she took a seat next to Peeta on the couch and sipped her beer.
"Rye's birthday."
She turned to him with a horrified look on her face.
"Why didn't he say anything?"
He just grinned at her and shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't worry about it," he half smiled...
The evening was pleasant. Peeta enjoyed himself more than he expected. He was tired of being so sullen all the time. It had been so long since he had let himself have fun. He had begun to let go of the bitterness and resentment that weighed him down. In therapy, he'd learned there was no point in holding on to those feelings, he was only hurting himself. He had one life to live, might as well try and enjoy it.
He still thought about her, the one with the steel grey eyes that took his breath away, and maybe it was the years that had passed, but the pain of losing her wasn't suffocating him anymore. She'd moved on, away from him and he had learned to live with it. Maybe it was time he move on, too? But easier said than done.
Work was an excellent distraction and he relished in it. The family plans for the expansion of their business had him very excited. The dream of venturing into the catering aspect was a go, only needing to solve a few problems with the logistics. When the Food and Restauranteur Convention was announced to be held in Panem County, the Mellark boys jumped at the opportunity to attend. So many conferences, appliance expositions, people to meet. Plus, these events were the best places to network.
But.
Peeta was lonely and he was scared.
Rye tried fruitlessly to get him to go out. Peeta refused. He knew he was being irrational, that he had to get himself out there meet new people, and he really wanted to but he was scared. Of what exactly, he couldn't say. Rye, afraid that too much pushing would trigger his panic, often held back.
"You're never going to meet anyone locked up in here. You need to get out of this room, out of the bakery, out of your routine and be young, have fun!"
So here he was trying at his brother's birthday party, trying to make new friends, trying to reintegrate himself to the real world, trying to feel like his old self once more.
That's why what happened next came as such a surprise.
Someone had the dumb idea they should play Twister. Probably Rye. There wasn't enough space and too many people. Asshole just wanted the opportunity to ogle freely. The floor was cleared, the game located and everyone was set.
Peeta was sitting out, he hated Twister, never having been very bendy. So he sat on the floor calling out the instructions instead. Soon enough the players were all twisted around each other in some rather compromising positions. They'd all had had enough beers to laugh it off. Then an instruction was called, a hand misplace, a socked foot slipped setting off a tumble of human bodies, one after another. Peeta doesn't know how it happened but one moment someone was coming at him, he reached out to break that fall and the next moment Cressida was sprawled across his lap, his hands on her hips pinning her against him.
"You okay?"
She couldn't stop laughing.
He couldn't help noticing how beautiful she looked. Her dress had ridden up way high on her thigh, too high, bunching around his hand on her hip. A familiar warm feeling began to creep up his toes along with a stirring that had been dormant for too long. He tugged the skirt down as she rested her forehead on his.
"I'm so sorry, but the room keeps spinning."
Her laughing was uncontrollable.
It was such a warm, open sound. Like it came from deep in her stomach. The kind of laugh that makes you laugh as well.
He had to remove her from his lap before she realized what her vibrating body was doing to him. He placed her next to him but kept his arm around her shoulder until he was sure she wouldn't topple over. Her head fell on his shoulder.
"Don't worry, I'm not that drunk, I'm just having so much fun!"
...
The night continues in pretty much the same manner. Peeta is walking out of the bathroom when he bumps into a soft body.
"Oh sorry," she laughs. "Your hallway is kind of dark."
He lets go of her arms but then she pushes up against him, crashing her lips to his, pinning him against the wall. The kiss is over before he comes out of his shock enough to respond.
"I've been wanting to do that all night. At least once. You're cute." She giggles somewhat drunkenly and walks into the bathroom.
He takes one step towards the party and stops. In his head are thoughts of her kiss, the
soft skin on her thigh, they way she made him feel earlier.
So he waited in the dark recess of the hallway taking her by surprise when she walks out of the bathroom and he reaches out to her, grabbing the back of her head with one hand and her hip with the other. Now he has her pinned against the opposite wall, letting his lips crash into a kiss that is deep and maybe even desperate. The warmth he felt earlier spreads all over his body at an accelerated pace. She parts her lips and they both moan in unison. His breathing is ragged as his hands start to roam her body over her clothing knowing she can definitely feel his arousal through his jeans and her flimsy skirt.
Normally he wouldn't act on a whim like this, let himself get carried away. Especially because she's drunk, but can it be considered taking advantage of her when she set this wheel in motion and he's just as drunk as she is?
He hasn't had this in so long, hasn't wanted this in so long that now he is so painfully hard and wants nothing more than release. Her hands find the hem of his shirt and begin their own discovery across his skin, leaving a tingling, burning sensation everywhere they touch. He reaches out against the wall with one hand and turns the knob to his bedroom door that was to the side of where they stood. His lips never leave hers. He backs her into the room and kicks the door shut with his foot, and continues until her knees hit the bed.
He yanks his shirt over his head and continues ravaging her mouth,working his way down her neck, onto her shoulder as he slowly pushes the strap off with his nose. His hands cup her ass and presses her center to his. Her hands tangle in his hair as he switches to the other shoulder. His hands slide up her sides and he stops to look at her silently asking for her permission. She smiles at him and he tugs at her dress, pulling it down revealing her breasts to him. His lips latch on to one nipple as his fingers tease the other, alternating between kneading the mound and pinching the tip. He's moving on instinct, completely out of practice. Being entwined with a woman was the furthest idea in his mind when all he wanted to do was survive.
He forces his mind to go blank because thinking will only bring forth memories and he doesn't want to remember anything or anyone. This, right now, is only about feeling. This girl in his arms is a stranger that he's only seen twice and just started speaking with a couple of hours ago. They don't know the other and there is no real connection, no relationship, no feelings aside from the physical. There is only this desire, this passion, this lust. Her body is as willing and hungry as his. So needy, so aching for the sensations that the other must provide. That's what this is, he decides, an exchange of needs, a carnal connection if one must be had.
"Do you...do you have...?" She tries to speak but the delicious sensation of his mouth suckling her breast is too much for her to concentrate on her words. He stops and stares at her.
He doesn't! He hasn't had condoms in years, didn't have the need for them. His disappointment is spreading on to her until he remembers.
"I know where Rye keeps them."
There's a look of hope in his eyes that makes her giggle.
He ran out of his room trying to keep quiet so as not to alert everyone out front about his activities.
Thankfully the bathroom was empty. He opened the cabinet over the toilet where they keep towels and found the box Rye had once mentioned he'd keep stored. He grabbed a strip to keep in his nightstand. Not that he assumed this would happen again with this girl but if this is something he wanted back in his life, it might be more convenient to keep them at hand. He ran back into his room to find she'd covered up again and was admiring his art work on the walls.
"Are these yours?"
He just nodded. She was beautiful. Her lips were swollen and her face flushed with her hair flowing softly around her face. She had removed her shoes and just stood there waiting for him. The picture of comfort and ease.
"Come here," he said softly. He did not want to talk about his art or the faces she would find amongst the swirls of color.
He pulled her towards him once more and grabbed the hem of her dress, pulling it up over her head. She reached out for his belt buckle and started to undo his pants.
"God you're hot!" Her voice was low and throaty, her pupils fat. He cupped her face and kissed her, a long sweet lingering kiss that built in heat and tension as he began working his way down her throat once more. They didn't speak, just let their hands roam of their own accord while their bodies did the talking against each other.
He got to know the taste of her skin, the sound of her moans, the sweetness of her breath. She took him in her hand and pumped him a few times before aligning him at her entrance.
"I...I haven't done this in a really long time." Peeta said bashfully. He didn't want her to have high expectations and needed to get that out there.
She smiled at him. "It's just like riding a bike, once you learn..."
And she kissed him while helping him push into her. The moans they shared when he had filled her to the hilt were loud, so loud, everyone outside should have heard. But Peeta didn't care.
So good, he thought. How had he gone so long without feeling?
Let everyone know that Peeta Mellark was being welcomed back into the world of the living.
He pumped into her with determination chastising himself for the speed. He needed to make it last as long as possible. But she was enjoying it not holding back in her moans, while each vibration went straight to his cock. He was so engrossed in his own pleasure that he didn't feel her push him off of her onto his back. She straddled him and swiftly slid onto him pulling him up against her. She rode him with abandon while he wrapped his arms around her.
"I'll get off faster this was way since you probably won't last too long, right?"
He was speechless.
You will definitely have to make it up to me next time, she smiled.
Next time. He was actually looking forward to it even though he wasn't done right now. Next time meant more sex and he was just realizing how much he'd missed sex.
"Happy Birthday, Rye!" she said with a twinkle in her eye. How ironic that they were celebrating Rye's birthday, yet Peeta was the one receiving the gift
...
First couple of weeks were bliss. They worked around ways to be together without calling attention to themselves. They both had roommates so it made them get creative but he loved it. He was just having so much fun and she was so willing and uninhibited and adventurous.
During those days, he didn't think about Katniss at all because what he had with Cressida, Cress, was just sex, hot, animalistic, passionate sex. A release to so much pent up energy. But as days became weeks and he started to get to know Cress, a friendship grew and the comparisons were unavoidable. Cress was just so different. With Katniss it was intimate, beautiful, an act that came from love. Sex with Cress was fun and crazy and so overpowering it was exhausting.
Even in those moments when their skin slid against the other slick with sweat, his mind would drift to quiet memories of looking into grey eyes, telling her how much he loved her, how much he would always love her. So Peeta remained quiet, afraid of letting the wrong name slip out.
After about three weeks, they got tired of sneaking around and stopped hiding. One morning Cress just walked into the kitchen took a drink of water and wished Rye a good morning and that was that. Peeta didn't say anything and neither did Rye. They hadn't made any type of official commitments to each other so Peeta wouldn't say she was his girlfriend because that would require accepting a relationship. Besides she wasn't interested in attaching a title to themselves either. She liked just seeing where this would go, having fun in the process.
Avoiding the inevitable is like peeing into the wind, it will come back to you. Three weeks turned into six then eight. Without voicing her concerns Cress wanted more. Only Peeta could be guy enough to think that she would be happy with a purely physical relationship.
It all started with wanting to catch a movie together, or grabbing something to eat that neither of them had cooked. He was fine with it because she was a good person and deserved to be wined and dined. But...always a but, if only relationships were that simple. That evolved into hanging out with friends or spending the night at each other's apartments, more often. Although Peeta never actually spent the whole night at her place claiming he had to be up insanely early and she wasn't much of a morning person. Before he knew it, Peeta went from seeing someone, to dating, to being involved without actually wanting to be a part of anything.
He liked Cress, he honestly did and as far as girlfriends went, she was the best. She was very independent and not at all clingy. Incredibly hot and beautiful with a life and friends of her own. She never held his hand to stake her claim in public, nor did she stalk his every move with silly texts and she loved having sex, being game for anything. What more could a guy want?
Peeta tried to pour his heart into this. He really did. Cressida was his friend, a great person, he should be so lucky to have her fall in love with him, and the chemistry was undeniable. Just when you think that things were at a comfortable rhythm and had become a routine, he started getting antsy and bothered. He reluctantly went anywhere, invariably coming across as brooding and really just being a dick. She never called him out on it, always giving him space. It didn't help that his family was including her more and more into events that he considered they shouldn't. Like Will's baby-shower.
"It's a couples shower. Will didn't want to be excluded because he's a guy and those things are mostly for women." Rye explained when Peeta was whining about it. "If anything, Cress should be upset you didn't invite her yourself."
He had lost all control over his life, again.
It's the idea that he is just floating from one thing to another that irks Peeta the most. Like a beachball being slightly pushed from one set of hands to the next. Worse was that he felt so powerless to do anything about it. He could speak with Cressida, put all his cards on the table, let her know exactly where he was emotionally, let her make the decision that was best for her. Of course, there was the risk that she'd chose to walk away and that frightened Peeta. Did he want to be alone again?
If he had really paid any attention to his feelings he would have known that there has not been a moment in which he had not felt alone since Katniss left.
The beginning of the end for his relationship began on one of those group outings. It was that Movie Classics at the Park thing that everyone was raving about. It had built a lot of momentum over the past years making it a must-do at least once during the summer months. So on this particular night they'd be showing An Affair to Remember and it was pretty crowded. Thing is it was still early May, too soon for a crowd of this magnitude, at least to Peeta's liking, since his panic attack.
It was fun, for a while. They managed to gather a pretty large group, Rye was there and of course Peeta and Cressida. Even Will and Bonnie, showed up. Some of Ryes friends were there as well. They scored a pretty good spot away from the bathrooms but close enough to the food trucks so that going back and forth wouldn't be a hassle.
Cress, and some of the girls were just returning from a snack run, laughing. She snuggled up on the floor next to Peeta, giggling about what they'd just seen behind the snack shop where it was already kind of dark. The sun was still setting so nightfall hadn't settled just yet.
"This couple was just getting it on. Like they didn't care they could get caught, or maybe the point was to be seen...I don't know," she chuckled.
"Yeah? Probably just kids, horny, horny teens. You remember how that was?" He laughed.
"No, not kids. These people were like our age. Even with little lighting I could tell. To much restrain. They weren't naked or screaming, they were hiding their activities pretty well."
"How's that?"
"She's a tiny little thing wearing a maxi dress that covered everything. He had her pinned against the wall. It was the moaning that gave away what they were up to and it wasn't dry humping, I can assure you that!"
They both laugh. An uneasy feeling was settling in Peeta's stomach. What are the odds of that tiny girl being his tiny girl. It was even more unsettling that his brain would automatically assume that Cress was referring to Katniss.
"Was he a big guy?" he asked fishing for information.
"You know I couldn't really tell but he looked kind of tall...red head I think or could be brunette...the lighting, you know?"
He just nodded feeling that queasiness grow. The odds had never been in his favor.
His suspicions were confirmed when Cressida ran up to him after returning from the bathroom. She pointed to a couple far off from them and there she was, his Katniss, standing underneath a light post, draped around a tall red head, the same one from his cousin's pictures from long ago, the same guy Johanna had told him about. His Katniss was apparently someone else's now.
He barely made it through the rest of the movie, silently putting into practice all those exercises he'd learned in therapy to control the onslaught of another panic attack. He needed to leave, put some distance between he and Katniss before making a huge fool of himself and doing something stupid. He told Rye he'd be by his car and to keep Cress company. He didn't give her any type of explanation.
That night, as he mercilessly pounded into his girlfriend, he thought of the brunette doing the same thing in the arms of another. Against the wall of a snack shop, on the couch they used to share, on an unknown bed draped in white gauze. Strangely enough those thoughts made him come harder than ever before.
"Yes, yes, yes, Peeta!" he heard, but it was her voice that called out to him. Not the woman's beneath him.
"Yes Peeta, just like that. Make me come, baby..."
And he did. She groaned in ecstasy, the vibration pulling him over the edge.
"Oh God, Katniss, I love you. Katniiiiiiiis!" he yelled!
He fell onto his side, a sweaty satiated heap, exhausted and sleepy. He awoke to an empty bed and didn't see Cress for two days. He couldn't bring himself to call her or do much, really. He didn't know if he wanted to fix anything.
Rye chastised him for his idiocy, telling him to get his shit together.
Needless to say, this happened again, twice, before Cressida got fed up.
"I had fun. Didn't you have fun too?" her voice was quiet, without her usual bravado.
"Cress, I'm sorry!" Peeta's head hung, his hands deep in his jean's pockets. Too ashamed to even look at her.
"Peeta, let's both take our winnings and move on to the next table..."
"But..."
"Are you in love with me?"
He looks down unable to look her in the eye. She was moving around his room picking up the few things that belonged to her.
"Exactly. Don't worry, neither am I at least not yet. That's why we should do this now before one of us gets hurt and I'm thinking that would be me."
"I'm so sorry."
"For what? For giving me a great time? For the great sex?" she shakes her head. "Don't appologize. Keep a nice memory of me. That's what I take of you."
"Cress..."
-"Peeta, it is what it is, or was. Just...promise me you never forget how special you are..."
"One?"
Somehow Katniss can't believe him. There was so much he wasn't sharing. So much she wanted to know.
"One and it was a disaster so...yeah!"
"You mean she didn't realize how special you are? Her loss."
Did she really just say that out loud? Too much, she's said too much. She puts the dish towel on the counter and turns to walk away from the sink.
He's had enough. She has been pushing him all night to reveal more about himself than she. If she wants the truth she can have it. He walks toward her, turns her around and takes her chin in his hand.
"You want to know why I'm not dating, or sleeping around or whatever? Because I'm waiting. Waiting for this damned project to be over, waiting for my business ethics to not get in the way, waiting for the one I am interested in, have always been interested in, to give me the chance to be near her. To show her everything I have to offer. I'm waiting to open up my heart on the risk of it getting ripped apart again. And let me assure you that if spending one day with her means waiting a lifetime I am willing to wait."
Her heart feels like it's about to pound out of her chest. What is he saying, does he mean her? Is he interested in her?
"You don't have to wait on my account. Be happy." She stuttered.
His heart feels like it's about to pound out of his chest. He just confessed his feelings for her and she still so obtuse. So beautiful, so frustratingly oblivious and beautiful.
He chuckles leaning his forehead against hers, cradling her face in his hands.
"I have to. I don't think she's ready."
She leans into his body, into his embrace.
Why doesn't he just kiss me? She thinks.
If I could only kiss her! He thinks.
A/N. As always thank you for reading.
To those anonymous reviewers, I wish there was a way I could answer you directly. Please feel free to PM me with your concerns.
There was some confusion at the end of the previous chapter as to why Katniss lied. Truth is simple, Katniss just wanted to touch Peeta. So she said he had lipstick on his cheek, he didn't.