Warning for brief mentions of past suicidal ideation and child abuse.
"How is she?" Leia demands as she marches into the hospital lobby.
"Okay," Finn says, struggling to hold back a yawn. Turns out he overestimated Leia. But only by two hours.
Leia presses her lips together. "Strange, isn't it? First Poe gets hit by a car, and then Rey."
"Our apartment must have bad juju," Finn says, pulling Poe's joke from the night before out of the air.
Leia shakes her head. "Well, I'm glad neither of them was seriously injured." She hoists her purse high on her shoulder. "Are you all right, Finn? Have you and Poe been here all night?"
Finn nods.
"You should get some sleep. We'll make sure she's entertained," comes Han's voice.
Leia raises her eyebrows. "You came."
"I came," Han deadpans, glancing over his shoulder as Chewie approaches. "Rey's a good kid. She fixed my computer."
"Take the day," Leia urges Finn. "It's a Friday. You and Poe both. Rest."
Finn nods, covering his mouth as he yawns again. "We'll wait for Rey to be released. Sometime this morning. They said."
Han mutters something about getting coffee. "You want anything?"
"Get me one," Leia says as Finn shakes his head. "You know how I like it."
"That I do." Han winks as he schlepps off with Chewie.
Finn's eyebrows are almost to his hairline, and Leia chuckles. "We were married for over twenty years, Finn."
"Yeah, but—if you don't mind me asking, but you're divorced now, aren't you? So how—"
"Losing our son brought out the worst in us," Leia says quietly. "Neither of us knew quite what to do. We threw ourselves back into the only things we were ever good at—reporting for him, Alderaan House for me. And we forgot to look at each other." She shrugs.
"Some of it was good," Han interrupts as he comes back. "Coffee shop's closed till nine."
"Fuck," says Leia. But she winks. "Pretty good."
"Some of it still is," Chewie grumbles.
They don't even know Finn knows that their son became Kylo Ren, Finn realizes. "How's… that FO Tech investigation going, Han?"
"Fine." Han shrugs. "Should be ready to give to papers in a month or so. Providing things go well."
"Sorry I can't be of more help," Finn says.
"I'm just glad you got out of there," Han says. "Leaving was brave, kid."
Leia nods in agreement.
Finn wipes his hands against his pants. I haven't really left. Not completely. He can still feel Phasma's elbow against his throat, a phantom pain squeezing the life out of him.
Finn drives them all home in the afternoon. Rey collapses immediately into her bed, nodding as Finn tells her to holler if she needs anything. Beebee-Ate curls up next to her.
"Uh, Finn?" Poe requests, leaning against his doorframe and slumping from exhaustion. "Can I talk to you? I mean, should we talk… after—you know?"
"Um—yeah." Finn pauses, his hands groping behind him for the back of the couch.
"Are you—I mean—is this," Poe swipes his hand through the air. "What you want?"
Finn frowns. "You mean… of course. Why wouldn't—do you think I would've kissed you otherwise?"
"Well, when they're distraught, people do things, you know, that they might not otherwise—"
"Poe," Finn interrupts. "I've never kissed anybody before in my life. I'm twenty-three, and I've never kissed anyone, until you. I don't—I mean, I kissed you because I wanted to, because I like you."
Poe lets go of the doorframe and tries to walk towards Finn. He wobbles and Finn grabs him.
"Dammit," Poe pants. His eyes meet Finn and every muscle in Finn's body relaxes, because the water in Poe's eyes washes away Finn's anxiety.
He presses his lips against Poe's as he holds him upright.
Rey's phone goes off around five in the evening. She almost rolls over and her breath hitches. Her ribs.
"Hello?" she mumbles, snatching the phone.
"It's Kylo."
"Ben." Rey eases herself upright.
"Fine. Ben." He laughs. "How are you—how're you feeling?"
"Like I've been hit by a car." Rey grimaces. "Thanks for coming. I… appreciated it."
"I can't come tonight, but if you want, I can come over your place tomorrow. If your roommates will let me. I can bring dinner."
"I'd like that," Rey admits.
"Did you sleep all day?"
"Pretty much." She glances around the room. "I had a weird dream."
"About what?"
"Not you," she teases. "That I was in college."
"Well… if you want to go, you should," Ben tells her.
"I do want to. I just don't know what I'd like to study. But now that I have a job and I make more than I did at Niima, I was thinking about, like, taking some community college classes. Seeing how it is." She exhales. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Absolutely. I could even help you out, if you want—"
"Nah, I appreciate it, but I kinda want to do it on my own."
"I understand," he tells her, and as Rey runs her fingers down Beebee-Ate, she thinks that he does. Both of them wandered out on their own. He had a choice, though. She didn't.
Would you still be happy to see me if you knew it was my secretary that hurt you? Kylo wonders as he wraps his arm around Rey the next night, seated next to her on the couch. Finn glares at him and Poe vanishes into his room. They suspect. They might even know.
But it's not his fault. Not really. Not exactly. But it all comes back to him, and he knows it, and for the first time in years Kylo Ren can escape the consuming wish that he worked somewhere else, anywhere besides FO Tech.
But that would mean wishing he'd never met Snoke, and Snoke saved his life. The night he ran away for good, he knew he was either going to run or die. He couldn't stand living with his distant uncle, with parents who seldom called.
They don't appreciate you, Snoke said, voicing the feelings Ben's been afraid to acknowledge.
Arrogant piece of shit, snarled one of the kids at school. Oliver, after that girl kissed him on a dare. Did you really think she liked you?
You'll die a virgin. You're too ugly, Oliver laughed as he kneed Ben in the groin, and Ben ran away from school because he didn't want them to see him cry. He thought about calling his mom, his dad, but for what purpose? They'd just be mad he ditched school. Uncle Luke was tired of his shenanigans, telling Ben to stop obsessing over his dead grandfather's legacy and stop talking to Snoke and focus on what's in front of him.
What was in front of him was nothing except humiliation, except a pretty girl mocking him, cutting at his hidden bruises, his fear that he'll never be close to anybody like he wants above anything, because he's just not good enough. Nothing, except a kick in the crotch and more I'm disappointed in you talks from his blasted teachers.
Ben called Snoke, because he knew that he would either get the hell out of there or take a knife to his wrists.
Snoke bought him a bus ticket, and Ben disappeared. He assumed his parents were frantic, though. At least until two months later, when his mother appeared at some sort of presidential convention and the TV made no mention of a missing son.
That night, Ben swallowed an entire bottle of Tylenol. Snoke kept tabs on him, though, and found the empty bottle. Snoke took him to the ER to get his stomach pumped. Snoke saved him, while his parents forgot him.
Snoke called him Kylo Ren, and the doctor didn't ask questions. Kylo remembers flinching, because he once told Snoke about the Knights of Ren, a mythical group of rebels and heroes he invented with Luca.
Feelings are pointless, Snoke told him. I don't have time for this. Learn to shut them off. I did.
But feelings crawl through Kylo now. He loves the girl leaning her head against him. He loves her.
Would he rather have Rey, or Snoke?
Two weeks pass. Rey heals. Kylo calls most nights instead of visiting, because he sees Finn flinch whenever he comes into the house and because he has to listen to Poe droning on and on about his uncle, and Kylo knows he should try to reach his uncle even though Snoke thinks it's too late, and he also knows he should warn his uncle and go to jail.
You're despicable.
With each moment he spends on the Starkiller project, Kylo thinks of Luca, and he knows that he's become the very thing he set out to destroy.
When Phasma asks to meet with him in the afternoon, Kylo agrees. Here's his chance. For Finn. For Rey. Try to burst up over the waves drowning you.
"Are you here about Finn?" he asks when she comes in, before any greeting.
Phasma cocks her head. "No."
Kylo rests his chin on his fist. "Why are you here, then?"
"Because I want to know how the Starkiller project is coming."
"It's… coming. It's going. It's fine. Why would I tell you anything?" Kylo demands. "It's not your purview."
Phasma crosses her arms. "Because you hate it as much as I do."
"What?" Kylo gapes at her.
"Don't pretend otherwise. You didn't join this company to partner with mass murderers."
Kylo taps a pen against the side of his desk. "Why did you join?"
"Because they offered me a way to escape my drunk father and my bitch of a mother and her frying pan," Phasma states as if Kylo shouldn't blink, shouldn't act as if this information is any different than the names of the newest scholarship recipients she recites each year. "And because I believed in… in protection, in all the things FO Tech offered. But this is going too far. You know why he wants the Starkiller project. You know about that weapon of mass destruction."
"What do you want me to do about it?" Kylo demands, fighting the urge to laugh because Phasma's right. He hates it. He doesn't want to do it.
"I can almost understand why Finn left now, and that's disturbing to me."
"Speaking of Finn." Kylo leans back. The pen clatters to the desk. "I want you to call him and tell him that you're going to leave him alone, and that you don't expect anything from him anymore. No more empty threats or real threats towards Rey. Or him. Or anyone."
Phasma cocks her head. "It's in the company's best interests."
Kylo scowls. "I don't care."
"Why do you care so much?"
Kylo can spin this one. "Why are you even talking to me? Why not Hux?"
"I don't like what you're implying." Phasma juts her chin out.
"Is he in love with you?" Kylo asks point blank.
"Ha!" Phasma throws her head back and cackles. "Hux wouldn't know love if it slapped him in the face."
"Is that what he likes?" Kylo asks with a smirk.
Phasma rolls her eyes. "All I ask is that you talk to Snoke. If there's anyone he listens to, it's you. Certainly not Hux. That man only got his position because of his daddy and he knows it and Snoke knows it. Before this Starkiller project brings us down. And then, I will call Finn—or contact him, track him down since he's blocked my number—and tell him. Deal?" She stands.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much. "Snoke won't listen to me."
Phasma shakes her head. "You're a coward. Just like Hux."
"Hux is the one who told you about this project, isn't he?" Kylo asks.
Phasma sighs. "Never mind."
"I'll try," Kylo calls after her. Not for her. Not for FO Tech. But for Luca, and for Rey…. for his mother.
Phasma faces him. "Will you?"
He nods, grabbing the pen and tapping it again. "Do you love him?"
This time Phasma smiles, but her eyes bleed. "I wouldn't know love if it hit me across the face with a frying pan."
"Come in," Snoke invites. His tone doesn't welcome—it draws Kylo in with cold hands. Kylo swallows as he runs through all the things he could possibly say to dissuade Snoke from the Starkiller project, from Snoke's goals. None of which will work. He's defeated before he starts and still, he needs to try.
"I'm glad you asked to meet with me," Snoke says. "Because there's something I need to share with you."
Fire spikes in Kylo's chest. His fingertips, his palms—they burn. "What is it?" he manages.
"Did you really think I wouldn't investigate and find out with Dopheld Mitaka did to piss you off?" Snoke leans forward, and Kylo inches back. He might be standing, but there's no question who's in charge here.
"I—"
"I fired him," Snoke comments. "After teaching him a lesson. The same lesson you taught your father. He won't talk."
Kylo clenches his fists. His knuckles ache, and Kylo wishes he had a needle to insert, to relieve the pressure.
"You're still seeing Rey Jakku, though, aren't you?"
"She's—" Nice? Pretty? There's nothing he can say, and still Kylo scrambles to find an adjective, any adjective that will work. He looks into the eyes of the man who saved his life, the man who's directed his life, and sees the same disappointment Kylo fled from when he left his uncle's house, when he stopped contacting his parents.
It's you.
You are a disappointment.
You're screwed, and you will never be enough.
With each thought that slices through his brain, Kylo wants to scream, thrash against the walls and beg it's not true, it's not true.
"Relax," Snoke sneers. "If you want to spend your free time shagging a nobody like her, you're welcome to do that, so long as it doesn't affect your work. But I did some research. Do you know who she is?"
"Rey Jakku. She worked at Niima Coffee Post. She grew up in foster care—"
Snoke laughs. Outside, thunderclouds roll in, but the weather won't be merciful enough to actually rain. "Kylo, I have connections. A quick phone call can tell you that Jakku was not her birth name."
Kylo Ren wasn't mine. "Why would I want to question—"
"Her last name is Kenobi," Snoke informs him. Thunder rumbles overhead, but there's still no rain.
Kenobi. Kylo tries to process this, but his heart tries to blocks his brain. "The girl who—"
"One and the same," Snoke confirms. "Ironic, isn't it?"
Ironic? More like horrific. Kylo's arm strains from his fists to his shoulders. Rey Kenobi.
"Does my mother know?"
Snoke cocks his head. "Maybe. Your uncle almost certainly does."
And they haven't told her.
Why would they want to?
How can he tell Rey that he's responsible for ruining her life?