Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

Kicking the Bucket List

five

"Punk bitch walking tall like you've got something to prove.
Nah man, 'cause deep down you know it sucks to be you."
— Stingray Affliction by ISSUES

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzz—

"Pronto," Lovino grit out, voice croaky and laced with sleep.

"Ve~ Fratello, where are you? You haven't been answering my texts!" Feliciano asked, worry evident in his tone.

The older Vargas brother groaned, shifting around on his bed. "I'm back at home, idiota. I was taking a nap."

"…Oh. Have you eaten yet, Lovi? I'm at the diner right now."

There was a brief silence as Lovino tried to collect his thoughts. Finally, he responded, "Yeah, and?"

He heard Feliciano sigh through the line, "Do you want to have lunch with me, fratello?"

More silence. Lovino slowly sat up. "No. I'm good. I'll just make myself something at home."

He could practically hear Feliciano pouting. Dammit.

"Ve~ But Lovi~"

An aggravated sigh escaped the older twin's lips. "What, dammit?"

"Trust me~! It'll be fun to hang out with other people! My friends aren't as terrible as you think they are…"

"For fuck's sake, Feli—"

"Ve~ Please, fratello? Pretty please with cherries and pasta on top?"

Lovino's face scrunched up in disgust. "The fuck? 'Cherries and pasta'?"

"Si~!"

"That's disgusting, Feliciano."

"Stop changing the subject, Lovi~ Please come? Pwease, ve~"

A frustrated, strangled noise escaped the older Italian's lips. "Fine! I'll be there in a few, dammit—"

"Yay~! I'm so happy! You won't regret it, Lovi, I'll see you soon~! Bye~"

Click.

Almost immediately, Lovino flopped back down onto the bed. He stared up at the ceiling in regret.

What the fuck have I done?

Feliciano slipped his phone into his pocket, smiling to himself.

"Was that your brother, Feliciano-kun?" Kiku asked from the seat beside him. There were so many in their group, they had to combine two tables together. The latter beamed.

"Ve~ It is~! I sure hope he'll come after all."

"I haven't seen Lovino-san all summer. How has he been?"

The Italian pouted, "Hmm… I've been kind of really worried for Lovi lately. He just seems so lonely nowadays."

Kiku nodded at this. "I see what you mean. But perhaps it has only been now that you've noticed."

"Ve~ Noticed what?"

"Er… Lovino-san's loneliness."

Before Feliciano could even think twice about it, the bell above the entrance to the diner chimed, signalling the entrance of new customers. In walked the Bad Touch Trio, who took the four-seater booth near him. Antonio called out to him. "Hey! Feli!"

Feliciano turned to face the Spaniard, beaming back. The confrontation with fratello and Antonio yesterday made him feel somewhat sheepish, yet the brunette didn't seem very fazed about getting chased by Lovi. "Hi, Toni!"

Why did he have the distinct feeling that Antonio was going to be more persistent than the others?

Lovino glanced at his reflection in the full-length mirror by the hallway, hazel eyes censorious. He daren't look up close lest he have another fucking epiphany. Fuck epiphanies. They weren't even the good kind, the ones that changed your entire life for the better.

It was only a fucking realisation of how fucking pathetic his life actually is.

And that, in itself, was something Lovino was already fully aware of— and he has been, for a while now.

A sigh escaped his lips. Did he really have to go? To the diner? What the hell would he even eat there?

He knew he'd have to make his presence known there, because Feliciano would definitely hound him nonstop the moment they were both at home. Why the fuck did Feliciano have to go to the diner anyway? The diner was farther away from campus than their apartment was. So that's… pretty fucking stupid.

W-Well, not unless you were too lazy to cook or anything, d-dammit…

A sigh escaped his lips as he returned to his bedroom to retrieve his backpack. As he did so, his eyes fell on the Bucket List and he wondered when the hell he'd finally get started on the damn thing. Some people were lucky. They had opportunities presented to them at every corner and every turn, and their futures were boundless— limitless. Everyday, they could wake up with a smile on their face and conquer the challenges life presented them. These people are strong. Confident. Motivated. Inspirational.

Like Feliciano.

Everywhere he goes, it's like a path of gayness and rainbows follow his feathery-light and dainty footsteps as he frolics yonder over valleys and valleys of… of fucking carnations and daisies or something like that. Metaphorically, whereas Feliciano was a unicorn-slash-pegasus lovechild with a long shiny mane that put the colour spectrum to shame— the type of magical horse that shit rainbows and puked Skittles— Lovino was a fucking potato-brown Shetland pony. Dio, he absolutely abhorred the fuck out of potatoes, so in a way, it was like saying he hated himself.

It was and is a cruel comparison, but somewhat true nonetheless.

People like him— like Lovino… They were the kinds of people that woke up in the morning and wondered why they were even alive in the first place. Why they even bothered to continue living when everything has become so cruelly routine— it wasn't even a nice type of routine in the first place, d-dammit…

It was boring and monotonous as fuck, and he hated the fact that he wasn't good enough to have a future as bright as Feliciano's as well.

Was he jealous of his younger brother?

Oh, yes. God, yes. Who wouldn't be?

But he would never admit that to anyone else.

A-Anyways, Feliciano still needed him, so Lovino just needed to bullshit through life for just a little bit longer. Bullshit indeed.

Lovino broke away from his quasi-depressing thoughts and grabbed his notebook, stuffing it inside his backpack. He hated how he had huge vacant periods, but his schedule was restrictive enough to ensure he couldn't do much either, like go to the mall or something.

Then again, he had neither want nor incentive to go to their town's shitty mall anyway, so fuck that.

He had class later at three PM 'til five PM. General Sociology.

The brunette took a glance at his watch. He had quite a while before his class started, so he'd decided to make up for his shortcomings earlier in the Introduction to Creative Writing and work on his homework somewhere after having lunch with Feliciano.

With that, he finally walked out of the apartment, locking the door behind him.

"Say, Feli, would you like to go on a date with me sometime?" Antonio asks, wedging a seat between Feliciano and Ludwig, his emerald eyes sparkling with determination.

"It might upset mio fratello Lovi, though," Feliciano says, pouting at him. He didn't want to lose Toni as a friend by outright rejecting him, but he didn't want to make Lovino angry either— especially when he's been so stressed lately!

Ve~ Who am I kidding? It will upset Lovi either way. Dio mi salvi.

He inwardly sighed. Fratello was right. He was incapable of saying 'no'. If only he could call on the power of fratello's Virginity Guardian Armour and don the metaphorical armour himself.

Antonio drew back, pouting as well. "Oh, yeah. Lovino. He's your older brother, si?"

Feliciano laughed airily. "Si, he is~!"

"…Are you sure you two are related?" the Spaniard asks, his expression grave and serious.

The smaller brunette nodded. "Yep, we sure are~!"

Toni's eyes widened in disbelief. "Really? When Gil and Franny told me stuff about him, I couldn't believe it either~!"

"Lovi isn't very fond of big brother Francis and Gil, so…"

Antonio chuckled at that. "You call him 'Lovi', huh? That's cute~"

"Ve~ Grazie!"

"You know what'd be even cuter?" Toni asks, turning the charm up a notch. He leant in a fraction, smiling charmingly at Feliciano. "If you went out on a date with me."

The bell chimed, as if on cue, and in walked fratello.

"Do you like pasta? If you want, I can make pasta for you and we can have a picnic at the park—"

Smack!

Lovino drew his hand back, shaking it after he'd smacked Antonio on the back of the head. Dio, his hand stings like a motherfucker right now. "Eugh. What the fuck do you think you're doing, bastardo?"

"Hey, there's no need to be such a dick, Lovino." Gilbert drawled, crimson eyes gleaming in irritation as they narrowed at the older Italian who had come to rain on their parade.

"Not when this asshole is trying to hit on mio fratello." Lovino bit back, sneering.

"Hey, why do you have to be so mean?" Toni's voice piped up, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

"Shut the fuck up," Lovino answered almost automatically, crossing his arms over his chest.

Gilbert leant forward, "Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean you have the right to ruin Feliciano's. What the fuck is your problem anyway?"

Lovino looked at the Bad Touch Trio sourly. "Unfortunately, my problem is you."

"Come, now, Lovino. Who are you to talk?" It was Francis who spoke this time, peering up at the Italian from venti cup of Starbucks he'd brought in with him. "Antoine here did nothing to you, and still, you have the audacity to insult someone you don't even know."

Feliciano watched in silent horror as Lovino put on a façade of collectedness, smirking at the Frenchman. "Well, aren't we all hypocrites here?"

"Why don't you just do us all a favour?" Gilbert asks, standing up to his full height. "Fuck off. No one wants you here."

Immediately, the smirk melted away into Lovino's oft-worn scowl. Feliciano wanted to stand up, to stop them, but he found himself rooted to his seat, unable to blink; unable to move.

Big brother Toni had stood up, trying to break up the fight.

The entire diner had gone silent now, with all the patrons spectating what was to come attentively.

Instead of breaking up the fight, Antonio was inadvertently dragged into it. He was trying to get Gilbert to stop, trying to explain his intentions to Lovino, but all of it fell on deaf ears. Lovino reached up to grab the collar of Antonio's shirt, only to have Ludwig stand up and intervene.

"Who the fuck are you?" Feliciano vaguely hears Lovino demand of the blond. His voice is muffled, like Feliciano is underwater. The owner of the diner is here now, trying to keep hell from breaking loose in his restaurant.

Why can't I move?

He flinches as Lovino shoves Antonio back and says something to the owner before storming out of the diner. All falls silent before Feliciano finally stands up, his chair toppling over in haste.

Lovi.

He needs to find Lovi.

He barely spares the Bad Touch Trio a betrayed glance before hurrying out of the diner and looking both ways of the street. Barely ten seconds have passed since the older Vargas had left the diner, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Before Feli's mind even registers it, he's running down one path which leads to the intersection. Lovino isn't anywhere in sight. In his state of panic, tears have run down his cheeks, leaving him gasping for air.

Feliciano flinches as someone wraps their arm around him.

"Feli," it was Toni who spoke, whose voice did nothing to calm his frazzled nerves. "Are you okay?"

Toni leans in and wipes the tears away, trying to shush him. Feliciano glances to the side and he sees Gilbert and big brother Francis making their way over.

"M-Mio fratello, I need to find mio fratello," Feli gasps out, trying to move Toni's hands out of the way. He storms over to Gilbert and meets him halfway with a glare. "How could you do that to him?!"

The albino was stunned at the outburst. Just as he was about to respond, the Italian cut him off. "Do you know how hard it is just getting him to talk to other people?! Dio, Gilbert, I wanted him to make friends! He's a-always been alone, but I didn't want him to be so lonely anymore—"

Feliciano chokes on his sobs. Kiku and Ludwig have followed. The sobbing Italian makes his way to the two of them and wraps his arms around Ludwig's torso, weeping into his chest. The younger Beilschmidt is taken aback, at a loss for what to do, until Kiku starts patting Feliciano's back in a soothing manner.

Ding!

In his haste, Lovino had ducked in one of the stores, just wanting to get away from everybody. Everything. He had a hunch that Feliciano would try and follow him, so he decided to give his fratello the slip. He didn't mean anything by it, but he just— he just wanted to be alone right now.

His mind barely registers the customers quizzically glancing at him, or the slightly skeptical store owner, let alone what type of store it actually was. His head is spinning.

Lovino shakes his head and glances up at the people in the store. Automatically, they glance down, feigning ignorance. The brunette held back a scoff.

Tools. There were tools everywhere.

And not just in a metaphorical sense either.

This was a hardware store.

The Italian slowly made his way down the leftmost aisle, hazel eyes absently inspecting the goods as the unwanted thoughts began to fill his head again.

'Fuck off. No one wants you here.'

Fuck you, Gilbert. Go choke on a hundred cocks, you piece of shit.

'Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean you have the right to ruin Feliciano's.'

Vainglorious cunts like you are practically the reason why lives are ruined, anyway.

'No one wants you here.'

Common knowledge.

'No one—'

I—

'wants—'

—already—

'you here.'

—know!

He gulps, trying to suppress the lump forming in his throat. Did they seriously think he didn't— couldn't see how everyone was staring at him like he had two fucking heads? Did they really think of him that ignorant?

A shaky breath escapes his lips.

He wasn't blind.

Everyone hates him. He knows that already.

So why point out the fucking obvious, right?

…E-Even Feliciano didn't want him there, d-dammit…

Fratello was silent, so silent.

He was probably ashamed of having such a brother in the first place, with him c-causing such a scene like that…

D-Dio… Of fucking course I know everyone would be better off without me, anyway.

Hazel eyes slowly glanced up, finally taking in its surroundings. Before him, he found ropes and cords of all kinds.

A bitter smirk tugged at his lips. Was this a sign?

He reached up for a length of brown rope made out of twine and wondered how difficult it'd be to make a noose out of it. The brunette experimentally tries bending the rope, as if making a knot in itself.

…It shouldn't be too hard.

This thing would support his weight, right?

He pulled at it, feeling its texture. This thing would wring his neck like a motherfucker, but it wouldn't matter because in a matter of minutes, he'd already be dead.

He took a glance at the price. Jeez, how long is this thing?

He decided that ten metres worth of rope was a bit too much.

Lovino leant down a fraction, trying to find the same type of rope but with shorter length. Shortest he could find was five metres long.

Good enough.

He pulled a coil of rope out of the hook and made his way to the back of the store, where the cashier register was. He set it down on the counter, averting the cashier's gaze. He was probably in his late forties. He wore a jumpsuit with the name tag 'Stan' embroidered on it. Stan reeked of sweat and beer.

Stan leant back from his newspaper and folded it away. He had a beer gut. Fucking disgusting.

"What're you going to do with this rope, kid?"

What're you going to do with your beer gut, Stan?

"Tch," Lovino scoffed. "Nothing you need to know. Just ring it up."

Stan smirked this little smirk— the type that made Lovino want to throttle someone in his mentally disoriented state. "Heh. Sure, kid."

He really wanted to punch this guy in the face right now.

Several aggravating minutes later (he had to watch the lard ass try and reach for the stack of paper bags in front of him with much difficulty) he finally had his purchase stuffed in his backpack for later perusal.

He'd have to Google 'how to make a noose' later.

He exited the hardware store and made his way to the park, where he worked on his homework for Introduction to Creative Writing.

Feliciano was beginning to feel a bit fidgety.

It was nearing six PM and still, his brother was nowhere to be seen.

Where is he?

He leant against the island counter, staring at the dinner he'd prepared and laid across the dining table. He had cooked seafood marinara pasta and baked garlic bread to go along with it.

"Don't worry, Feliciano-kun. I'm sure your brother will get home soon." Kiku piped up from the general direction of the living room, staring at his friend with concern.

"V-Ve~ If you say so, Kiku…"

An hour earlier, Ludwig had still been here, whilst Feliciano was busying himself with cooking.

An hour later, Kiku left.

Feliciano was by his own lonesome now.

He hated the silence. It was unnerving.

Is this… is this what fratello feels like whenever he's alone at night? He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to rub the cold away. Ve~ I don't like it.

Clack.

Feliciano's heart skipped a beat as he ran towards the front door. "Lovi!" He launched himself into the older twin's arms, "Lovi, I missed you so much! Where were you?!"

Lovino glanced at him, an eyebrow raised in confusion. "The fuck? I had sociology class. Then I just—" An aggravated sigh escaped his lips. "I just went for a walk. I guess I lost track of time. Mi dispiace."

He pried Feliciano's arms off him.

"V-Ve~ About what happened earlier, fratello—"

"It's not your fault."

"But it is! I couldn't do anything, I couldn't stop them from saying bad things to you!" The younger Vargas was crying now.

Lovino sighed, wrapping his arms around his younger brother's body. "Calm the fuck down, Feliciano. This shit isn't new to me. I can handle it."

Muffled sobbing.

"…What?"

Feli pulled away, reiterating what he'd just said. "B-But I don't want you to handle it! Not on your own! What Gilbert said hurt me too, fratello!"

"Don't be," Lovino coaxes, rolling his eyes. "That idiot adores the shit out of you."

The other sniffled, pouting. "I'm mad at him right now."

"Tch, don't worry. I am too." The two hugged it out.

Finally, Feliciano was the first one to pull away, laughing albeit the tears still running down his reddened cheeks. "Ve~ Ti amo, fratello,"

The response is automatic, but it makes Lovino happy inside. "Ti amo troppo. C'mon, let's go eat before the food goes cold already, si?"

Feliciano nods, completely and blissfully unaware of the clumsily-made noose in Lovino's backpack.

Translations:

pronto - ready/hurry (It.)
fratello - brother (It.)
idiota - idiot (It.)
Dio - God (It.)
mio fratello - my brother (It.)
Dio mi salvi - God save me (It.)
si - yes (It./Esp.)
grazie - thank you (It.)
bastardo - bastard (It.)
mi dispiace - I'm sorry (It.)
ti amo - I love you (It.)
ti amo troppo - I love you too (It.)

So I made a thing because I didn't really have anything to do. Much feels.

Review por favor~!

~jellydonut16~

P.S. I JUST DISCOVERED THE SPEECH TO TEXT FEATURE ON MY LAPTOP. I CAN NEVER TAKE MY OWN WRITING SERIOUSLY EVER AGAIN HAHAHA SOBS

WHAT IS LIFE