It's been three days now, and five states. I don't know it this is good time for crossing the country; I just know that we aren't taking the most direct path. And when I asked Castiel about it he just told me to find a better station. We haven't really spoken to each other since the diner. Sometimes it seems like he's going to say something and then he'll shut his mouth. I don't really care, either way I'm not getting the good side of the deal so what's the point?
We're just reaching the Colorado boarder at the southeastern side when Castiel mentions something about being tired. I look at the map, even though I know nothing is going to be close by. But I don't want to spend another night sleeping in the impala with him. Since the first night I reached into the glove box he's more wary of me.
Castiel likes to sleep safe, and one way is to pin me against the back seat with his body. It's too stuffy and he smells. I mean I bet I do to. I haven't showered since that morning, and he can't be any better. He likes to turn and face me, so I have to feel his hot breath against me and the only thing I can think of is how he's going to kill me…well that's what I think about 99% of the time. My stupid body gets the better of me sometimes.
He pulls off onto some dirt road and parks the impala out of sight of the highway and motions for me to get in the back.
I take longer than necessary.
In the back we scrunch up and I try to not think about our bad breath because I might throw up what I had for dinner yesterday. Thinking about Dinner my stomach growls and I try and turn away from him.
"Sorry about no food today." His deep voice breaks the silence and scares me. I jump, "Sorry." He says again, like him saying it will make everything better.
"It's fine," I lie, and it sounds like a lie, "I'm use to giving whatever's there to my brother." Not a lie, but shocking that I said it out loud.
"Yeah, I saw how close you two were, its sweat."
I almost say I miss him, but I hold it back. He doesn't care what I'm feeling. And I don't care what I'm feeling, none of it matters anymore. I could come out if I wanted to, but no one that I care about is here. It seems like nothing I do will make much difference anymore.
And it's those thoughts that send me over the edge, I break down and cry. Not loud crying, just silent tears make their way down and onto the leather seats. My last thoughts before I fell asleep were of Sam, I was wondering if he was going to get the part in that play he tried out for. I hope he does, I hope he gets up on stage and doesn't mess up.
In the morning I wake up before he does and I want out. It's hot, not to mention smelly, and um most guys have things in the morning that makes it uncomfortable to be pressed up against something if you're not going to…well…
"Castiel." He opened his eyes and smiled at me.
"You know how in Harry Potter he had a friend called Oliver Wood?" I just sat there in silence wondering where this was going, "Well if his girlfriend, or boyfriend, never went good morning wood, then it's a damn shame."
The first diner we see Castiel pulls over and he smiles at me again, "I figured you were still hungry."
"Yeah, because not eating has always kept me full before."
We don't say much after that.
The waitress doesn't assume we're together this time.
He orders for me.
My panic begins to rise again.
Surely we're closer to the end now.
I'll never see Sammy again.
I don't remember our food coming, or even me eating. I just remember being back in the car and the sun still behind us in the morning sky. I find a classic rock station and I find myself humming along to deep purple."You know this song?"
I look over at Castiel who's not looking at the road, "Yeah, I don't think I know any of the new music, the new music isn't that good anyways."
"I'm just surprised you know this, considering how young you are."
"I'm nineteen." I fire back, then I blink. I just yelled at a mass murderer who has my life in the palm of his hands.
But he doesn't seem to notice, "Well I'm thirty so forgive me, I haven't been like you in a long time."
"You mean not a homicidal maniac?" seriously what the fuck is wrong with me?
He doesn't answer for a while. Then, "Just so you know, I never wanted this. I was never going to kill anyone. It's my brothers who made me-made me kill. I'm all alone, all the time and the only thing I know how to do is run and how to stab you in the lungs and separate your spinal cord in one go."
"The news never said anything about you having brothers?"
Castiel laughed, "Of course it wouldn't, my brothers…they're many things but they weren't stupid. When I was younger my dad loved all of us. But they got jealous and one day dad was dead, that was the first time I ever saw someone die. So instead of blaming each other they saw fit to blame me, I was the youngest after all; but I never knew they blamed me. Why would you have your slaughter monkey on your level? If it knew you wanted to rip its heart out the monkey wouldn't turn tricks."
"So what did they do?" no matter how hard I tried I was trapped in his story.
Castiel looked over at me, and for the first time he seemed crazy, "They had fun, a few killings here, a few there. Sometimes even they would bring someone home and drag it out. That was always the worst. I was thirteen the first time that happened. I couldn't sleep, and when I tried to tell them that they made me sit and watch. And the next time I had to do it just like they did, and if I got something wrong then they would show me the right way. They would carve it into me so I wouldn't ever forget."
"So why has the news never talked about them?"
"Because I killed them, I made them all watch as I tore them apart. They taught me how to go slow, so slow that I could pull out your beating heart and show it to you, it would still be pumping even though the blood would have nowhere to go."
"I'm going to be sick." Or that's what I tried to say, I think my vomit got in the way of most of it.
Castiel pulled over to the side of the road and walked around to the passenger side, "I'm sorry." Again I don't know why he's apologizing, but at least he's not killing me. "I keep forgetting that I'm not alone, I'm use to just being by myself. I think having you around is helping with my sanity." He tells me to move my legs and I do. A serial killer is cleaning up my vomit.
"I feel bad." I'm whining and I know it.
Castiel sighs and wipes his hands on his pants and stands up, it's about midday and the sun's hot. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to find a motel, we could both use a shower." He stands up and when he gets back in the impala he starts her up and we're sitting in a motel parking lot, "Come on," he opens my door for me and I start to feel a little better, but my first step sends me almost back down to the ground."
Again Castiel sighs and bends down and helps me up, "There wasn't any double beds left, just a queen."
"Thank you." It would be better than heaving him pressed right up against me.
I'm first in the shower, but my heads pounding too much so I just sit down and let the hot water pour over me. It feels like forever in the shower, but this is the first time I've been alone for a long time and forgive me for cherishing it.
When I get out there's still hot water but there's no way I'm getting back into my dirty clothes. I bet more than half of my stink came from them, but when I look for them they're gone. I venture out, in just a towel, into the room and see Castiel field stripping his guns. He looks up at me, "I put your clothes and mine into a washer, and they'll be done in a few minutes." It's starting to get cold.
He gets up and comes towards me, I back up. "There's plenty of hot water."
"I bet there is." He holds up a pair of handcuffs and holds out his other hand for one of my wrists, "Now I know you wouldn't be stupid enough to run, but insurance policies demand a constant eye."
He chains me to the bed and I can't even move to draw the covers up around me. After ten minutes or so there's a knock on the door and a maid comes in, "Oh sorry sir," She's staring at my cuff's, "I'll just…" she goes to set down our clothes and leave.
"Wait!" the shower's still running, the maid jumps, "Can you help me, please?" I can hear how pathetic I sound and she stares at me, "Please."
She picks up the key on the dresser then comes over to me, "You're boyfriend seemed nice, did he do this?"
"He's not my boyfriend, please hurry." She must pick up on something because her movements become faster and I feel hope rise in my chest, "Thank you so much for doing this. You don't know what it's been like; my name is Dean by the way."
"I'm Heidi."
I never heard the shower turn off, I never heard his footsteps, but I heard the sound of Heidi chocking on her own blood, "I thought you were different Dean, I thought-" she fell on top of me, I felt her warm blood and I almost threw up again, "Now look what I had to do."
Castiel picked up Heidi's body and snatched up my towel from around my waist. He laid out the towel so it would absorb the blood, then he turned on me. I pulled my knees up to my bare chest to hide my nakedness. "Please-"
"Please what?" he yelled.
"Please do it fast." I closed my eyes and waited to die.
He stepped towards me, his knife still in his hand, "Do what fast?" his free hand grabbed the back of my neck and he slammed my head against the headboard. "There are many things you should never do fast your first time." Then his lips were on mine and I could feel the cool metal slide down my stomach; it didn't draw any blood. He dropped the knife and backed away from me. "Cover yourself up." He tossed the bundle of clothes at me and picked up the body, "I'll be back in ten minutes, I swear if you're gone I will hunt you down like the wounded animal you are." And then he was out of the room and I still was pressed up against the headboard expecting him to come back and cut my lungs out.
I get dressed quickly and sit down on the bed again.
"You should sleep; if I push it tomorrow can be our last long drive." Castiel closed the door behind him, he mistook my nervousness, "Don't worry, the cops won't find the body." I don't move, my eyes are fixed on a spot on the wall. "Damn it Dean, at least get under the covers so I can sleep."
"You didn't have to do it." That was the first time I had ever seen anything die, I've never hunted Bambi or anything else, it was a lot different than how they show it on TV.
Castiel got back off the bed and stood in front of me, "Alright I'm sorry for kissing you, it was an accident."
"Not that! Heidi."
"So kissing you was ok?"
I felt my stomach flop, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Is it because I'm a dude?"
"What? No, it's just…you're a killer."
"So you're fine with guys?" Castiel winked and stepped right up against me, I moved further back until my back was against the wall, "You said earlier that you wanted to go fast, is this fast enough for you."
"No, Cas please-"
"What?" he rolled his hips into mine and I bit my lip, "Oh, or have you done this before?" when I didn't answer it was answer enough, "Are you a slut Dean." Castiel bent his neck down and started to nibble on my neck and make his way up; his hips were still rocking into mine and damn it I was going to say something. I curled my hands into hair and I moaned in his ear.
"No." I managed to mutter, he froze and my body hated me, "Cas you just killed someone."
"I'm over it," his eyes turned serious, "Dean I've been alone for so long, all by myself; I don't want to be alone anymore." He bit at my lip and my knees weakened, "Just tell me no, Dean that's all you have to do. Just because I want this doesn't mean you have to. You have a choice in this." His voice, already deep, dropped an octave. My mind was screaming no, but I wanted more. Oh God so much more; and I could have it.
"No."