Hey guys, ok here's another chapter, tried to make it a long one for you and I really hope you like it :)

JJ X x

It'd had been two says since my little episode in Oliver's office. He'd held me as though it was the last thing he'd ever do, long coarse fingers stroking soothing circles against my thinly covered back and brushing my away hair so I could breathe from where my head was buried in his shirt, staining it with tears. It was a strange kind of comfort, a kind I'd forgotten long ago and for the first time in forever, curled up in the doctor's strong, welcoming arms I'd felt something I never thought I'd feel again… I felt safe.

Still the mortification of my breakdown had made me avoid him at every turn, until now "Bootsy."

I was pretty much happy to see Sister Mary-Eunice; she'd always had this childlike sweetness about her "Sister Jude wants to see you in the kitchens."

With a nod, I'd excused myself from my Ping-Pong game with Pepper; she looked a little sad but smiled and left in search of the worn crayons. I walked in my merry way to Sister Jude; I wondered what she must need, had someone misplaced the small book of recipes I'd handed over? Was she thinking of adding something and wanted my approval? That had been part of our agreement after all, no changes without my say so.

However the moment my small hand pushes the door open I can all but cut the tension with a knife, not just theirs but my own. Eyes locked firmly onto Oliver's for the first time in two days, it took Sister Jude's shrill voice to rip me from my trance "Marilin… I'll be needing you to work a double shift, big order this morning, four dozen mint brownies and four dozen plain by eight AM tomorrow."

Figures, brownie's where something I'd happily make for the bakery but refused to hand over the recipe, it was one of my mother's best kept secrets "Of course Sister, I'll get started right after breakfast."

The old crow wasn't looking at me though; she was busy glaring at Oliver as I turned and left the room without another word only for heavy footsteps to follow me "Marilin!"

"I have to get to breakfast." I shouted over my shoulder, my small legs trying to make me fly with how fast they moved, but not fast enough.

Before I knew it he was in front of me but I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze but the soothing deep tone of his voice made my breath quicken "Marilin, please. I know you've been avoiding me. What happened the other day is nothing to be ashamed of, you had a moment and…"

"You don't understand! I can't afford to do that, to be that weak, I won't be able survive if I am… not in here." I fought back the quiver of my lip, but I was looking at him, looking into those big brown eyes that wanted to swallow every ounce of my soul; and god how I wanted him to…

"Marilin, it is with me. And if you'd let me I'd like to help you." his brushy eyebrows knitted together as he watched my confused face and unintended scoff "How?"

"I'm only here for a short while, if Sister Jude had her way I would be out today… but while I'm here you can come to me. No judgment, no fear, just two people talking." My mouth had turning to the Sahara with how dry it became and I don't know if I was actually breathing.

Swallowing hard, drowning the urge to pull him close and never let go, to plead and scream 'YES!' before I mutter "why would you do that?"

"Because I think you need It." he hadn't even blinked before answering and the grip on my wrist was still there, the coarse skin of his thumb caressing small circles into the joining of my own. The small smile that broke free without request followed by the terrified little nod seemed to make him beam, a hundred watt smile shining down at me… it was blinding, making me see nothing besides the benevolent creature before me.

I barely had time for breakfast, knowing that the new order would take a while and I wanted to get it done… maybe even whip up some oatmeal cookies. However as I worked I'd noticed Kit walk into the kitchen and over to me, half a smoke in hand that I slapped to the ground "Not in the kitchens! ...hey what happened to you?"

He groans almost like a child as I grip his face to inspect the reopened cut on his neck, it looked even bigger but he's already shrugging me off "don't worry about it."

"This is Arden isn't it? That's it! He isn't getting away with this bullshit anymore." I brushed my flour covered hands on my apron and feel the rage as I go to storm off and find that piss-ant doctor and give him a piece of my mind when a pair of masculine arms circle my waist and twists me back against the table until we're face to face, hands quickly moving to my shoulders "Bootsy, I appreciate you wanting to look out for me, but you talking to Arden is only going to make it worse, plus what about if the guy turns on you huh? Besides I'm fine."

I felt the rage sore my blood but nodded in agreement, I didn't want to make things worse for Kit. He smiled and clapped his hands together in that confident, cheery way he dose "So what we cooking chef?"

I left early for lunch, leaving Kit and Grace in charge of the second batch of brownies, Pepper tenderly boxing up the first. My lunch had gone much like my breakfast, quickly shoveling it down so that not twenty minutes later I was walking towards Dr. Thredson's office; however I froze for a moment at the sight of Lana, all but pacing outside his door… what the fuck did she want? I never got the chance to ask because the second she saw me she all pretty much legged it.

"Knock, Knock!" I opened the door as I said it, seeing Oliver eating lunch at his desk, jacketless again.

He smiled that beautiful smile up at me before wiping at his mouth "Marilin, Hello. Come in, come in."

"Don't get up; I just came to bring you these and to say thanks for…you know." I placed the small batch of oatmeal cookies on his desk, wondering if he'd like them with a nervous bite of my lip.

He gestures for me to take a seat and I do it, eyeing him as he stands only to sit on the desk opening the box and I see a sparkle of delight in his eyes and a pleasure ripple through him with the first bite "Marilin, these are the best cookies I've ever tasted. Thank you."

I swelled with pride at the comment but shrugged as a blush burned my pale cheeks "thank my mother, it's her recipe."

I watched every move he made, saw something shift in him that seemed foreign yet familiar as he looked at me over those strangely sexy spectacles and swallowed down the sugary treat "You really miss her don't you."

"Everyday… I think she would have liked you." it slipped out, really it did, but the twitching smirk on his face made me want to hold him, because it wasn't a happy thing, but not sad either "Is that so?"

I look at him again, watching him finger a cookie as I nod; bringing my knees up to rest under my chin "she would have liked how good you've been to me… despite what I've done. She always had this thing that there's no such thing as a perfect person, even though I was convinced she was, even after everything I found out, she was always perfect in my eyes. Still is."

"Isn't that a Child's prerogative?" Oliver smiled down at me with guarded yearning.

A smile smeared onto my lips as words I'd once in a poem heard fell out "Mother is god in the eyes of a child."

He suddenly had that far out look in eyes, glassed ebony staring into the core of my soul. For a long moment it was like peering over a wall, Oliver reminded me of when one of the neighbor kids wondered down the wrong street, he looked scared and lost and almost praying to god or whoever would listen, then without warning the wall got higher and all I saw was fresh brick built by his perfect smile.

It took me a moment to realize his gaze hand fallen to my hand which had gipped his of its own volition "don't be sad."

It was a thought that slipped out, it was like the string between my brain and deeds had been butchered by Dr. Arden. Oliver didn't seem mad though, he seemed almost awestruck, his hand still firmly in mine "what makes you think I'm sad?"

"You don't look happy, so you must be sad." A smile twitched at the corner of his lips before I stood, the urge to comfort his was too much, I just didn't want him to be sad anymore. So I did the only thing I could think off, pulling my hand from his I circled my frail arms around his broad shoulders, nuzzling into the musky, salted scent of his neck, drinking it in while shaky, unsure hands engulfed my to tiny waist.

I took in one last breath of him before meeting those blown black abysses, cupping the stubbly warm cheek and smiling "please don't be sad baby-boy"

I remember how that would calm my father and brother whenever mom said it, it was like a code word. A secret I didn't quite know. I watched his Adam's apple dance with one hard swallow before I politely, silently leave him to his lunch a low echo of his stare following me down the hall.

That night I laid in my room, scribbling away in my journal, I wrote of Him, Dr. Thredson, Oliver. About how it was so amazingly easy to be around him, how he made me feel almost like a free woman, like a human being. It was the first time in so long I didn't write about the past in hatred or grief, the notes of my Maebell were of the few moments I held her, the pure bliss it gave me, my mother's too kind heart and my brothers annoying smugness. Nothing about Gabe, my bastard father, or Loretta, his disgusting whore… and I fell into slumber with the pen still in my hand, a small smile on my face and for the first time in seven years dreamed of nothing but comforting darkness.

The next day was my Friday and everyone was buzzing about the movie and the storm, it was actually my day off but when Frank came over to me at breakfast and asked me to help set up I was happy to help, I'd never actually seen a movie before.

By the time I got into the Day room Grace was already placing seats out and I rushed over to help "Morning."

"Why are you so happy?" she smiled, eyeing me curiously.

With a light shrug I unfolded the next seat, having to whip back my curls to see as I answered with a half-truth "I'm really looking forward to tonight, should be a blast."

Her face fell slightly and I was about to ask what was wrong when the most annoying voice in all of Briarcliff shrilled down my ear "Looks like someone has competition."

I rolled my eyes at Shelley, fighting the urge to beat her with the chair in my hands simply because I didn't want to miss the movie "what are you gossiping about now? More dribble from the orderly's?"

"You know that reporter chick? Well she's been stalking outside the yummy new doctor's office, watching him like a hark… looks like you better move it before you lose it, Bootsy-girl." She laughed bitterly and if she hadn't of walked off I might have smashed up the chair with her face.

God, I hated that girl.

"Bootsy are you alright?" it was only by Grace's voice I realized my grip on the chair was giving me splinters.

I slapped on my best 'don't-give-a-shit' smile and shrugged "peachy, just looking at Shelley's face gave me a miner aneurism is all."

We laughed together and laid out the rest of the chairs, talking about nonsense really, and what that little skank said wasn't playing through my head on a loop… I didn't care; why should I?

I DIDN'T CARE!

Liar…

It was near lunch when Oliver finally came into to room, holding open the doors for the strangers to set up the picture. He smiled over at me with a small tilt of his head and my fingers wiggled lightly in response, then shyly returning to my book. I was reading, honestly I was but then I saw her light up and just sit there staring at Oliver, I guess Shelley's grape vine finally got something right.

She walked up to him and I scrutinized every move they made, talking in hushed voices, movie somewhere out of earshot, leaning in closer… the images of them in a far more intimate embrace played over my mind, her man-hands unbuttoning his shirt, gliding down that beautifully chiseled chest and her thin lipped mouth kissing him, making him moan into her touch and it was like I couldn't breathe. I needed out, I need air… so slamming down the book I flew out of the room, I just couldn't breathe.

I clung to the bars of a barely open window, sucking in the air as much as I could "Bootsy?"

The voice is soft and sweet and it isn't until small twitchy hands push back my hair I know I'm crying, it's like I've lost all control of myself and I don't even know why "Pep's."

"Don't cry Bootsy, please." Pepper curled into me and I laughed with a sob, hugging the girl who was trying to comfort me, rocking us slightly before she pulls back to take my hands "Pepper make you better?"

"Much, thank you Pep's." she swelled with pride and smiled her toothy smile.

I shook my head, trying to regain myself and quickly wiped away the tears, linking my arm with the pinheaded girls "come on; let's get you back in the kitchens before Sister Jude's pitches a fit."

We walked off almost playfully, skipping here and there; unaware of the dark eyes watching us over thick rimmed glasses.

I spent the rest of the day in my room, with a small collection of books from the day room. I was kind of enjoying my alone time… time to drown out the worries of the world with fiction. It was nice, relaxing.

And I swear I wasn't thinking at all about a certain dazzling doctor…

Not much anyway.

When we were all collected for the movie I walked over to Kit and Grace, always together as usual "can I bum a smoke?"

They both looked at me with raised brows as Kit opened the pack and held out a light for me, the slow burn was almost soothing "What's wrong?"

"We're criminally insane murders doomed to spend the rest of our lives in this shithole with stuck-up fuckers like Lana Winters looking down their noses at us. Apart from that, nothing." They both looked kind of shocked at my little outburst, Kit running an awkward hand through his hair.

"Ah, I see. What has she done this time?" Grace asked with a puff of smoke.

I glared at her from across the room, fucking bitch, "she just thinks she's so much better than us, she needs a damn reality check. I mean what the fuck is she even doing here?"

Grace shrugged while kit leaned back against the wall "I heard her girlfriend got her committed."

"Girlfriend?" my mouth goes dry at the thought as he nods in conformation.

Thy share this look, some sort of understand before Kit leans in "Bootsy listen we have to…"

"Take your seats! Take your seats! No more dillydallying! Sit down! Sit down!" Sister Jude's voice boomed through the room with that fucking god dammed whistle.

As we usher to our seats Grace takes my arm, pulling me to sit with her and Kit as Sister Jude waffled on about the movie, but I honestly don't think anyone was listening, I know I wasn't and it's not because I noticed Oliver slide in through the back and find his way to Lana. But I didn't fill with the same paranoid rage and hurt as before.

After all she's a lesbian.

And that really shouldn't make me feel better.

As the thunder rolled by and the lightning blinded us Sister Jude went a little funny, sprouting all sorts of crap and actually seeming kind of nice "She's wasted!"

I bit my lip to stifle the laugh as Kit's words, sucking on the cigarette in amusement white Kit lit one for himself, Grace giggling like a school girl. We all watched Sister Jude, our fearless leader but when the lights went off I wondered what she was actually talking about, who was alone?

"Bootsy, listen, we're getting out of here!" my brows knitted in confusion and I almost dropped my half smoked bud.

"What are you talking about?" kit's arm fell around the back of my chair as Grace tapped her foot.

He leaned into me and with hardly any light it was almost like talking to Nate "Me, Grace and Shelley are getting out of this freak show… come with us."

I felt my heart stop beating. Out, was that even a dream worth dreaming? I licked at my dry lips, looking around the room, Daniel was making a fuss, Pepper fiddling with the ends of her cardigan and then Lana and Oliver talking like old friends, hell maybe they were. I knew I had some sort of an unexplainable crush on the man, I'm not an idiot, but no matter how pretty man, how kind or open… it's just a dream, because he was the good guy and I would always be a bloodstained murder.

I drown out the doubt in my head screaming and nod to the pair "when?"

They shared a smile as Grace took one last pull of her smoke and stood, Kit taking my hand to lead the way and nodded to Shelley before pulling me up and behind him, we sunk into the shadows and with one last look to the brown eyed beauty I left.

I wished I had a chance to say goodbye.

"We picked a hell of a night for it." Shelley grumbled as we made our way down the darkened corridors. If possible the place was even creepier at night.

Kit smiled at that "Yeah, it's good. Perfect, in fact. The storm will cover our tracks. All we have to do is go through those doors, through the staff lounge and into the boiler room."

"And that'll take us where, Narnia?" she just keeps grumbling and I growl "what's the matter Shelley don't you trust us?"

She goes to make some snarky comment but Grace just smirks "There's an old tunnel that leads into the woods - assuming it's really there."

I noticed Kit go stiff and put a hand on his arm about to ask what was wrong when a small voice spoke "It's there. That touched nun brought me through it. I'll show you; just take me with you."

I jumped slightly as Grace pinned Lana to the wall, not that she didn't deserve it for their last escape attempt "Screw you. You had your chance."

Lana isn't looking at Grace, she was staring with tear glazed eyes to Kit "I was wrong about you. I'm sorry. But someone I love may be in danger. I know you can understand that."

"We have to take her down. She'll raise the alarm." Grace doesn't even bat an eye about it, she's strong, I've always admired that about her.

However Kit obviously saw something the rest of us couldn't in Lana "No, she won't. She's coming with us.

"What?!" Grace looked more pissed than confused "We don't have time to argue. Come on."

I move to stand next to Grace and say calmly "you try anything and you die."

She nods quickly, because it's an honest to god promise, after all I am a convicted killer.

We all stop dead though as Kit whispers "Shit. Carl's out there."

"What are we gonna do?" Grace looked to the only male of the group for guidance and I honestly wanted to know the answer.

We can all see him getting ready for a smack down "Whatever we have to, we may not get another chance. We're going through that door."

"You're not taking down Carl. He was a Marine. He fought in Korea… I'll make sure you get through the door. Just, just try and wait for me." at Shelley's selflessness I'm not going to lie I was surprised.

Grace was kind of confused though "Wait for you?"

"If you can't, if I don't make it out, make sure you write the story that blows the doors off this place. Don't forget about me." she heads off but before she can be caught in Carl's line of view I grab her wrist, making eye contact with a woman that until this moment I had no respect for "Good luck."

She looked almost moved before stepping into the bright light "Shelley, what are you doing out here?"

We listened to her flirt shamelessly and Carl meekly tried to avert her advances, he was pretty shit at it. But once the sound of the far door echoed we raced toward the staff lounge, a step closer to freedom and I could feel my heart racing a marathon in my chest.

By the time we reach the boiler room reality hits me full force and as they open the door I shake my head "I can't…"

"Bootsy come on." Grace is all but dragging me but I pull away from her.

They stood looking at me confused and probably annoyed "I can't leave."

Suddenly Kits cupping my face, looking me dead in the eye with all the goodness of god himself "Bootsy you can, you can do this… you don't belong here."

"I murdered my father, stepmother and the man who adopted my daughter… I took a knife, drugged them, then cut out their still beating hearts and then stabbed them in the face so much they couldn't even get dental records." Kit and Lana looked pretty horrified but Grace already knew about my past, and I hers.

"You were a fifteen year old girl who'd just lost her daughter, twice! You could have a normal life." it was a beautiful idea, but I knew she was wrong.

"No Gracie I can't, I've been in and out of hells like this for seven years… it's all I know. Besides where would I even go?…Home? To a brother who hates me? I wouldn't survive out there." I tried to explain it to them, but I could tell they wouldn't understand, not really…

Lana is the next to pitch in "Bootsy I've seen the way you are with everyone, you take care of people, you walk around this place like there's no bars around you."

I felt a tear fall and laugh "Exactly, in here I'm sweet, helpful Bootsy. Out there I'm just a monster."

"You're not a monster!" Kit almost growled and he was wrong, I am a monster, but the sick thing is I kind of like it.

I threw my arms around his neck, pulling Grace in with one arm as I said "you have no idea how wrong you are, but thanks anyway."

Pulling away from the pair I take steps in reverse to the door "I'll try to keep them off you as long as I can… goodbye."

I bolted from the room without another word, racing back to the film and smiling at Frank as I pass him by, but he's rushing over to Sister Mary-Eunice while a rough, large hand grips my arm "Where are they?"

"Oliver… what?" he was looking at me with this raw blackness that was so familiar to me.

He pulled me into the corner, behind the pillar, grip still burning my arm as my back meets the metal pillar and I didn't feel my blood race at how close he was to me "Lana... Kit and Grace, you all vanished. Where?"

Watching him, all harsh words and dark eyes I finally realize who he reminds me of…me!

I bush myself up to him to try and ease the aching grip and with a pained filled sob gasp, the words just falling out "Oliver, baby please…"

Almost instantly my arm feels the loss of his firm touch, those dark eyes soften and he's back to those tender touches, looking at my arm in regret "Marilin, I'm so sorry. I didn't…"

I didn't know why he got so mad at me, why he'd even care but that didn't matter right then as I reached up to caress the soft skin of his neck "stop! Hush now."

I'd half expected him to pull away, shameful and full of regret, that's what a good man would do. He didn't do that, his eyes closed and a breathe fell from those kissable lips, it was only when the doors threw open and stood there was a Sister Jude, flicking the lights on and thus ending the Movie.

I shared a look with Oliver before, backing away to find a seat. The drunk old bitch was talking about how three people had escaped and a small smile spread on my face, that is until I noticed the dripping muddy trio, looking over to them and I make eye contact, silently asking why while Sister Jude tells us the Mexican, Pepper and Shelley have vanished.

Kit just looks at me mournfully, Grace shaking her head and Lana just trying to stay calm. We head to our rooms and I pass Oliver, but he doesn't see me this time, far too busy watching the soaked reporter.

I think that was the moment I started to genuinely hate her, what was so special about Lana Winters.

Back at my room I sat in the moonlight, caressing the fingerprint bruises already forming on my arm. Oliver Thredson wasn't what I thought… he wasn't all purity and light, no, that was just the candy coating, because I saw, I saw the darkness in him and it called to me, marked me with bruises and awakened another feeling in me… one I couldn't name, I just knew that for the first time I knew I wasn't the only one, I wasn't alone.

And I was willing to anything to keep that feeling, to keep him.