Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

Kicking the Bucket List

eighteen

"…It's like… a snowball effect. It rolls down the slope of a snowy mountain, gradually getting bigger until it finally hits something and is crushed to pieces. That tiny snowball is me. The snow I'm collecting are my problems and worries and the burdens I feel. It's getting bigger… and bigger… and bigger. And at one point, I will fall apart and become nothing."
— jellydonut16's diary; July 5th, 2013 (Friday).

Antonio stares at the concrete, rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet, face blank and hands shoved deep into his pockets. He's lost in a trance, too tired this morning to deal with his thoughts any longer. A car drives down to the basement parking lot for the apartment building the Vargas twins stayed in, but he doesn't really pay it any heed. Several minutes lapse, and footsteps soon approach him. Antonio's waiting for the pedestrian to walk past, only to have that person come to a halt right beside him. He still doesn't glance up.

"Morning, Antonio," A familiar voice says, and Antonio stills. He is quickly brought out of his daze and glances up at the Scotsman he's grown to dislike, forcing an amiable smile on his face since he was too drained— much too drained— to speak. It barely lasts several seconds before it drops down into a look of contempt.

Allistor leans against one of the streetlights, reaching into his back pocket and taking a box of cigarettes out, as well as a lighter. He shakes one out before raising the box up to the Spaniard.

"Smoke?" He asks. Antonio tersely shakes his head.

The former nods his head in understanding, lighting the cigarette up with a silver Zippo and lifting the cancer stick up to his lips. He shoves the Zippo and Marlboro lights back into his pocket, quickly pulling the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaling a puff of smoke.

"Ah'm waiting for Lovino. He says he wants to introduce me to his brother," the redhead nonchalantly says, to break the silence in between taking long drags of his smoke. "Yeh waiting for someone?"

"No duh," is what Antonio wants to say, but that wouldn't be nice. You can't be mean to nice people, even if they're dating the person you really, really like. Instead, he nods, casting a sideways glance at the Scot. "Yeah, I walk to campus with Lovino and Feliciano. Every morning." He says instead, wanting to rub the fact into Allistor's face a bit. The latter doesn't notice, doesn't react. Of course he wouldn't. Why would he?

"Oh," Allistor says, though a bit awkwardly. He'd finally caught onto Antonio's growing hostility, but he doesn't mention it. Maybe, perhaps, the brunette was in a mood or something. Wouldn't want to get in a row of some sort, now would we? "Nice."

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!

The redhead fishes his phone out of his pocket, staring down at the screen and smiling. He quickly runs his thumb across the screen and holds it to his ear.

"Hey," the Scot greets. He pauses as the person on the other line speaks, glancing up at the three-story building. "Yeah, Ah'm already 'ere. D'yeh want me ta go up, Lov?"

Antonio becomes rigid in realisation. He should've known. The leaden weight in the pit of his stomach only seems to grow heavier, dragging his spirits down with it. Honestly, he hated how affected he was by this.

"Righ'. Ah'll see yeh in a sec." Then Allistor hangs up.

Within moments, Lovino jogs down the stairs beside the elevator, wearing a tie-dye hoodie, black skinny jeans and Vans. His eyes light up the moment he sees the Scotsman outside the building, likewise the way Antonio's eyes light up when he sees him, even amidst the hurt.

The Italian deftly steps out of the building, and the redhead goes in for a hug, only to have Lovino come to an abrupt halt, his gaze landing on the Spaniard. Somehow, the latter felt like he was intruding, even though he'd come here before Allistor had. It sucked.

As Lovino looks at him warily, Antonio fakes a smile and greets him with a semi-passable 'good morning'.

"Good morning, Lov," Allistor says too, smiling at him.

"Yeah," Lovino says breathlessly, focussing his gaze on the Scotsman before him. "Good morning."

He awkwardly pats Allistor's shoulder, beginning to give his boyfriend a succinct rundown on Feliciano's lack of etiquette and how he will probably (most likely) try to hug the living daylights out of him once they meet. "Look, I… I didn't tell him about you yet. So chances are, this is gonna be one hell of a surprise."

"Relax, Lov. Everything will be alrigh'." Allistor coaxes, placing his hands on Lovino's shoulders. "Ah'm sure Feliciano an' Ah will get along perfect!"

The Italian draws and releases a shaky breath, hazel eyes meeting forest green ones. "Okay. Right. Just— Just don't be surprised if you end up fucking asphyxiating or something, because Feliciano has one hell of a hug. Especially if he's fond of you. Which he will be, I can tell. Don't say I didn't warn you, got it?"

The corner of Lovino's lips twitches downwards as he automatically reaches up to fix the collar of Allistor's green button-down. "God, you look like Peter Pan in this," he snorts. "That or a Christmas ornament. That'd work too."

"Mm, from yeh, Lov, tha's a compliment!"

In return, Allistor reaches up to trace his fingers along the exposed skin near Lovino's neck, pushing the hood of his jersey away. He faintly sees purplish marks and flushes a light red as Lovino shivers and slaps his hand away. "The fuck are you doing?"

"Two days and they still aren't gone," Allistor murmurs distractedly, though not without the slightest hint of amusement and satisfaction in his tone.

Lovino's face flushes a bright red. "Yeah, no thanks to you, asshole."

"Sorry?" The other offers pathetically, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. He was clearly not sorry at all.

Antonio, having overheard it (it's not like he had a choice, anyway), couldn't help but seethe in jealousy. Still, the couple paid him no heed. It was like he wasn't even there at all. And with how shitty he felt at the moment, he might as well have not been. He should have just… just walked to campus with Francis and Gilbert, like how he always used to do.

In fact, he should just go. Now. It's not like they'll even notice him in the first place. Yes. He should probably go. None of the Vargas brothers had ever asked him to walk with them to campus, anyway, so Feliciano probably wouldn't mind, right?

But he didn't want to leave Lovino, as much as it hurt to be around him at the moment. God. He could feel himself coming undone. Albeit his internal conflict, he knew he needed to go, and fast. It was getting too much for him. He muttered a quick goodbye to the happy couple, which had gone unnoticed. He turned on his heel and made his way to campus. Antonio drew in and released a shaky breath, drily swallowing the lump of feels that had formed in the back of his throat. He absolutely hated this feeling!

This wasn't supposed to happen, not now! Not so soon into the school year! All it took was one thing— just one thing— to trigger him and undo everything he'd ever tried to mend. Over and over and over again. His thoughts overwhelmed him like a flash flood, inundating all the nooks and crannies of his mind, to the point where it all blurred together into one fucked up mess. He never really could comprehend it all, let alone why he felt like this.

No, no— why he had to feel like this.

It wasn't all the time, but it had always been there, looming over him like a shadow. He wasn't sure at what point this had become of the norm for him, but somewhere amidst all the faisandé smiles and the constant façade of him always being a cheerful, happy person over the years, it had just become a part of him, like some sort of defence mechanism ingrained into his mentality or his superego, to keep up the show. Not only for his sake, but for everybody else's.

Usually, he'd be able to keep that winning smile on his face no matter what. But today? Today was one of Those Days where unexplainable, unshakeable sadness would just consume him, wrapping its spindly tendrils around his body as they suffocated the life out of him slowly. But as he finds himself on the verge of death, it releases him from its grasp, leaving him gasping for air. The flood waters have receded; the sun has come out again, though not completely dispelling the darkness that overcast him. But that's okay. It's okay to not be okay. He finds reprieve from these thoughts like leaden weights, akin anchors that exist to drag him down to the bottom of the sea.

It will get better. Antonio knows this.

Just not today.

Not today.

Mere moments after Antonio's quiet departure, Feliciano comes bounding out of the elevator and walks out of the building. "Lovi! You didn't wait for me!" He begins, only to immediately trail off once his honey-brown eyes land the redhead. "Hi! Who are you?"

Lovino facepalms himself as Allistor and Feliciano warmly shake hands, "'Ello. Me name's Allistor."

"I'm Feliciano! Lovi's brother. Ve~ Are you a friend of his?" Feli asks, beaming up at the Scotsman.

"Well, about that," Lovino sheepishly begins, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. "Um. Fratello. Don't freak out on me, alright?"

Feliciano's brows knit together in confusion. "'Don't freak out'?" He echoes, tilting his head to the side slightly as the words sunk into his conscience. He stilled.

…What?

What does he mean by 'don't freak out'?!

Don't— Don't 'freak out' about what?!

What's wrong? What's happening?!

Immediately, Feliciano began to panic, scanning Lovino's body for any signs of hurt or injury. Because when someone tells you not to freak out, of course your first reaction would be to do the exact opposite and freak out.

He put his hands on Lovi's shoulders to keep him in place as he examined his brother carefully at arm's length before patting down the older Italian's body. "Are you alright? Are you hurt? Did something happen? Fratello, talk to me!"

"Oh my God, Feliciano, calm the fuck down." Lovino says exasperatedly, either trying to swat at his brother's touchy-feely hands or trying to grab his wrists. He fails either way. "I'm perfectly fine, dammit!"

Feliciano promptly stops his ministrations, drawing his hands back slightly. "Then— Then what are you talking about, Lovi?"

Lovino's face suddenly becomes very red. Feliciano can't help but stare in a mix of bewilderment and fascination. Watching Lovi's face flush fifty shades of crimson was always entertaining to watch, in a way. It was kinda mesmerising. If you took a video of it, you would think it was Photoshopped or something, but it's not! It's all natural! Amazing, right?

"Um." The older twin begins again, motioning to Allistor with one hand. "A-Allistor is… H-He's my—"

Allistor decides to help Lovino out by wrapping his arm around his shoulders, beaming at Feliciano. "Ah'm 'is boyfriend!"

Feliciano's honey brown eyes widen in incredulousness. "What?" He turns to Lovi for confirmation. "Really? Since when?!" Then his face scrunches up in hurt as he pouts at his brother. "How come you've only told me now?"

"I just—" Lovino is at a loss for words, stumbling over what he could manage to scrape up off the top of his head as he gesticulates. He opts to bring Feliciano aside to explain (argue) better, with Allistor hanging back and watching them curiously as they bickered in rapid-fire Italian. "I don't know. It's not that I didn't wanna tell you, but it just… I just didn't."

"But why? I would've understood! Don't you trust me?"

"Dammit, of course I do, but—"

"But what? You've never mentioned Allistor until now! Are you sure this isn't some kind of mid-teen crisis? Or a phase?"

Lovino gawks at him, taking offence to that. "Oh my God— No, it is not a mid-teen crisis. It's not a fucking phase either, dammit! It's just, like, I didn't tell you because I didn't think I needed to!"

"'Didn't think you needed to'?" Feli echoed, his eyes growing watery. "I tell you everything about what goes on in my life! You could at least do the same!"

The older twin rolled his eyes. "Well, it's not like you ask me to—"

"Oh no. No, no, no! Don't even try to place the blame on me—"

"What blame?"

"—because the least you could've done was tell me like, 'hey, Feli, I met this guy and I think I like him' or something, so I could give my approval, but nooo, you went straight ahead and got together with him! W-Where did you meet him, anyway?"

He glances over Lovino's shoulder to look at Allistor, who catches his eye and smiles amiably.

"I met him at school. He's taking Performing Arts too." Lovino mutters awkwardly, glancing down at his feet. He kicks at the pavement. "Ugh. Can we just talk about this later? I have class too, FYI. And so does he."

Feliciano, always the mother hen when it came to Lovino's social life, tutted in disappointment at his brother's discreetness. Lovino couldn't help but cringe. He's going to get one hell of a sermon later. Then Feli's honey-brown eyes widened as he realised something. He felt sad.

What about Toni? Toni had passed Feli's qualifications, but would Allistor? He's only known the man today! He looked at his twin carefully, somehow understanding that no one could get to his aloof brother so easily, so Allistor must be good for Lovi, right? Since it's Lovi who chose him. Wanted him as well.

Yet still, his heart clenched in sympathy for Antonio. He wondered how the Spaniard would take it.

As the Vargas twins stood in silence, Feliciano had asked him sotto voce, "Does he make you happy?"

Lovino doesn't even have to think twice. "Yeah." He admits, his face growing red. "He does."

Feli takes a deep breath and hugs his brother close. "Then that's all that matters. But we're still going to have a talk later, okay?"

"I figured." The other deadpans, sighing in relief as he hugs back.

Feliciano is the first one to pull away, making his way to Allistor. "Ve~ Sorry about that. False alarm!" He places his hands on his hips and his expression grows more serious and solemn. "Now you better take care of my brother, alright?"

"Of course Ah will," Allistor says, honestly; sincerely. "Lovino means a lot to me."

Since Feliciano doesn't know Allistor that well yet, he opts to take the Scot's words in at face value. He pulls the tall redhead in for a warm hug, patting his back. "Ve~ Well it's great to meet you, Allistor. Maybe we can have dinner tonight, si? So I can get to know you more."

The Scot glances up at the older Vargas brother automatically for the okay. Lovino just glances away, face flushed red. "Whatever, dammit…" he mutters, though he inwardly hopes Allistor would agree anyway.

And he does just that.

"Ah'd love to!" Allistor says, pulling away to grin at the younger Vargas.

Feliciano smiles in response. Then he glances around curiously. "Ve~ I wonder when Toni will be here."

Lovino frowns upon hearing the mention of the Spaniard. Then he, too, glances around as well. Huh. The bastard's gone AWOL.

"He was 'ere just a while ago," Allistor says, confused. "Maybe he had somefink ta do, yeah?"

His boyfriend shrugs his shoulders in cold indifference. "Probably."

Uh-oh. Feliciano frowns. "V-Ve~ You have a morning class with him today, don't you, fratello?"

"Yeah," Lovino answers, as they all started to walk to campus. Allistor is by his side, discreetly lacing their fingers together. The older Vargas manages to fight off the blush as he focusses his attention on Feliciano.

"Can you do me a favour, Lovi?" Feli asks.

Lovino raises an eyebrow. "What kind of favour?"

"Um. Can you ask him if he's alright? Because normally, we'd all walk to school together, si? So now it feels all weird now that he isn't here."

And it was. Feliciano had more than a hunch that it had something to do with his fratello's new relationship. Ve~ He could only hope that Toni wasn't taking it too badly. But still, he couldn't help but wonder. What'll he do now?

Will he still pursue someone who's already in a relationship, or just let him go?

Once they all reach the campus, they split paths as Feliciano makes his way to the Art Department. Allistor is actually supposed to go the same way as Feli since the Performing Arts Department is on the way, but he opts to drop Lovi off at the classroom for his first class of the day instead.

As they walk through the courtyard, through the hallways, somehow, all eyes are on them. Honestly, it creeped Lovino the fuck out. Like, 90% of the couples here were homosexual. What's another one, right? Haven't they ever seen two guys holding hands before? The Scotsman doesn't pay it any heed, though. He's too wrapped up in Lovino to give a damn, really.

"So Ah guess Ah'll see yeh during lunchtime, yeah?" Allistor asks, smiling at him.

Lovino glances up at him and red dusts the top of his sun-kissed cheeks. He raises an eyebrow. "Obviously. It's not like I have a choice in that matter, anyway, dammit."

"There's no escape," the redhead playfully muses, leaning down to peck his cheek. The couple come to a halt and find themselves in front of Lovino's classroom.

"Ah'll see yeh later, Lov." Allistor whispers lowly into his ear. He takes a quick look around the corridor. There's no one else but them. "Give me a kiss before I go?"

The Italian shoves Allistor's face away, his own flushing a very vibrant red. "Fuck no, dammit! People might see! Again."

"Not if Ah make it quick~"

"No."

Allistor pouts. "Please?"

Lovino looks sideways before he roughly grabs two fistfuls of the redhead's button-down and pulls him in for a chaste kiss. Somehow, he feels discontent with that, so he kisses him again.

And again.

And again.

…And again.

Ironically, Allistor is the one who pulls away lest they get carried off and start snogging against the lockers. However tempting, it's not very ideal. He presses his lips to Lovino's forehead, brushing the Italian's fringe aside with his hand. "Ah'll see yeh later, Lov. Text me, yeah?"

"Yeah," the Vargas twin mutters, feeling woozy with bliss.

And with that, the Scot briskly walks away.

The moment Antonio gets to campus, he makes his way to the classroom for his first morning class. It's a Wednesday, so it was Philosophy class with Lovino again. He's the first one in the room; no surprise there since he's about thirty minutes early. He takes his seat in front of the class and sets his backpack down in front of him, heaving a deep sigh.

It was so early in the day, and yet, he felt so tired. Like he just wanted to skip classes for the rest of the day, go back home, and go to sleep. Forever. But he'd already ridden himself of the tendency to skip class whenever he felt like it, so he couldn't do that now. That'd be like relapsing in more ways than one. He sighed once again, crossing his arms over his backpack and burying his face into his arms. He could feel the back of his eyes stinging with tears; feel his nose getting runny.

He's been rejected before, yes, but it's never hurt like this. God. Why?! Why did it hurt so much?! Normally, he would take the rejection light-heartedly; because there are always more fish in the sea, right?

But this… It was borderline unbearable.

Antonio could practically feel his thoughts suffocating him. The sepulchral thoughts are there, looming over him. They're mocking him. They're saying he's not good enough, was never good enough, and will never be good enough for… for Lovino.

After all, they were practically opposites; on either end of the personality spectrum. Like, what would Lovino ever see in him? He wasn't into literature, or plays, or sophisticated stuff like that. He was into playing guitar and football, beating Gilbert at whatever video game he was playing, and hanging out with his best friends.

He was, in his opinion, a pretty simple person. Someone like him would never be able to understand someone as deep or as complex as Lovino, right? Yet how he'd wished he would, though. He couldn't keep himself from hoping that by some twist of fate, Lovino would actually take notice of him and see that, yes, Antonio wanted to get to know him truly, and there were no hard feelings whatsoever, and actually give him a fucking chance.

But the hidden cynic within him tells him that Lovino would never let him in.

A breathless gasp escapes Antonio's lips as hears voices and footfalls fast approaching the classroom. He immediately sits up; makes sure he looks like he hasn't been going through emotional turmoil. A red, runny nose and bleary, watery eyes are a no-no.

Or else, people will ask questions.

Questions that Antonio, more often than not, cannot answer. Because he either doesn't want to divulge answers in fear of more questions, or that he honestly doesn't know the answers himself. He could practically recite the conversations that's happened one too many times.

Like, 'What's wrong with you?'

'I'm sad.'

'Why are you feeling sad?'

Silence as he pores over it. There are either too many reasons, or none at all.

'I don't know,' he'd say. Because he didn't.

'Why don't you know? There has to be a reason, right? Nobody gets sad for no reason.'

Exactly.

Which is why he was better off not talking, anyway. No one needs to know. Except for Gil and Franny. They'd understand him. Other people had a tendency to stay away from you once they found out you were depressed, anyway.

Then he couldn't help but wonder: would Lovino understand him as well? What if they were similar in more ways than one? The latter being their fondness of tomatoes, of course.

"…Hey, bastard—"

Before he realises he's spaced out, he's snapped out of his thoughts again. His heart skips a beat the moment his eyes meet a splash of tie-dyed rainbow. Well, speak of the devil.

He immediately glances up and meets Lovino's lovely hazel eyes. His eyes weren't just brown, but they were speckled with flecks of olive green and amber as well! Breathtaking. It was akin a kaleidoscope of warm, earthy colours that somehow felt like home.

"You alright?" The Italian asks, scowling down at him as he stood before the other across the desk. "You were spacing out. It's creepy as fuck."

Then the sun comes out again.

Just like that.

Antonio couldn't help but feel happy and important because Lovi was finally talking to him, of his own accord! He manages to beam at the Vargas twin, though his thoughts from earlier had made the action seem forced.

"I'm fine," he breathes out. Because you're talking to me. Then emerald eyes grow tender. "Were you worried about me, Lovi?"

Antonio felt so light-headed; the butterflies in his stomach were fluttering like crazy. Lovino cared! He actually cared.

It's funny how something so small and trivial can have the most impact on a person.

But then Lovino turns away, a hint of irritation in the action, though his expression remains indifferent. "Hell no I wasn't. My idiot brother was. He told me to ask you if you were okay. But that doesn't give you the permission to flirt with him, got it?"

And just like that, Antonio's mood came crashing back down to earth.

'It's funny how something so small and trivial can have the most impact on a person.'

…Exactly.

So what did Antonio do?

He did what he does best. He faked a smile and acted as if nothing was ever bothering him. Faux naïf.

"Got it."

"Toni…" Gilbert says for the umpteenth time that day. And it was only lunchtime, so that was saying a lot. He scrutinises the Spaniard carefully; warily— as if Antonio would suddenly make like a Magic 8-Ball and give him all the answers he needed. "Come on! Tell us what's wrong already!"

The aforementioned, who was lost in his thoughts, suddenly snaps out of his trance and turns to face the frustrated German (or self-proclaimed Prussian, rather). Upon hearing the words 'what's wrong', it just— it just triggered something inside of him that made his throat clench and his eyes water with the unshed tears he'd been holding in all day.

It hurts to pretend to be happy all the time. It's hard pretending that everything is okay, when in fact, they are not okay, and Antonio isn't okay either! The Spaniard is just so overwhelmed with all of his emotions to the point where he can barely feel a thing at all.

It hurts that much.

He doesn't want to speak in fear of his emotions finally, finally getting the better of him. But that's never stopped the latter from happening before. Antonio had always been easily swayed by his emotions. Heart ruled over reason. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and look at where it's gotten him.

But still, he had to try and make Gilbert understand that nothing relatively grave or serious had happened, and that he was only going through a rough patch again. The constricting of his throat makes it hard for him to say anything, so he swallows the lump in his throat and licks his dry lips.

"It's— It's nothing, Gil, I—" he begins, only to come to an abrupt stop. It sounds pathetic and unconvincing, even to Antonio's ears. He sounds tired and weary. And in a way, he was. Emotions can be very taxing; especially the emotions people didn't want to feel the most. A sigh escapes his lips. "Really. It's nothing."

"But it's not 'nothing'!" Gilbert argues, "You've been acting like this since yesterday! What's up, Tone? Did something happen? It's about Lovino, isn't it—"

Gil says Lovino's name like it's a bad word. Antonio doesn't like it.

"I don't want to talk about it." The Spaniard determinedly says, though his voice wavers at the end. "Okay?"

But it was too late.

A tear rolls down his cheek, and he quickly swipes it away with the pad of his thumb before either Gil or Franny notice.

They do.

"What did he do?" Gilbert asks, the accusatory tone of his voice emphasising his German accent. Antonio couldn't help but wince. The albino stands up, already prepared to teach the more despicable of the Vargas twins a lesson. God, why is Lovino always such a fucking jerk? "Don't you worry, Toni, I'll—"

"No, don't!" Antonio is quick to say, attracting the attention of some of the students sitting around them in the atrium with the sheer volume of his voice. Shit. "He didn't do anything. So don't— don't worry about it. Please."

Gilbert regards him carefully before he sits back down. "Then tell us! Franny and I, we're your friends! We can help you! But we won't be able to do that until you tell us what's got you down in the dumps."

"Oh, Antoine," Francis begins, sighing as he slowly shakes his head. "It's okay to cry. You know that. Now tell us what's happened. You can trust us."

"I know, but—" the Spaniard says, pausing to scrub at his eyes. "It doesn't matter. It's stupid anyway."

"It matters enough for you to want to cry." Gilbert points out quietly, frowning at his usually cheerful friend.

He and the Frenchman shared a concerned glance. Perhaps something had happened to Antonio's mother? Or perhaps Antonio got into an argument with his older brother, Alvarez, again. Maybe it was both.

As Antonio wills himself to stop crying, Francis tries to trace back the past few days; past few weeks. Look for any telltale signs that could have led to this— and then it hits him.

It's vague, and it's fuzzy, but he remembers it.

That night at the rathskeller.

Lovino and Allistor.

Together.

And the rumours circulating the campus this morning; the emergence of a new couple in the Performing Arts department. A senior apparently coming out of the closet with a freshman by his side. What are the chances?

As if on cue, Francis glances up and sees Allistor and Lovino walking across the courtyard, hand-in-hand. They're busy talking animatedly. Gilbert and Antonio see them too; everyone who wasn't ogling them this morning were certainly looking at them now. It was Allistor, after all. It was a pretty big deal.

Allistor, who never spoke of love or relationships unless they were mentioned by someone else, or in scripts and stories. Allistor, the up-and-coming director that had never been in a relationship with anyone in the EHU, let alone had a fling. Allistor, who was kind to everyone he met.

Allistor, who was now in a relationship with Lovino.

Lovino, who was callous and sharp-tongued; a complete opposite of his twin brother. Lovino, who never entertained any advances from others who dared to back in high school (himself included, to be honest). Lovino, whom Antonio— Francis' best friend— was infatuated with.

Lovino, who was completely unaware he had broken Antonio's heart.

Translations:

fratello - brother (It.)
si - yes (It.)

I'm sorry for the late update! This chapter was, admittedly, quite a tough cookie to write because:

a. it has depressed!Antonio

b. it has Lovino actually happy and in love with someone else

c. somehow, I had to make it all IC and believable

I'm pretty sure this fic has more layers than an onion (Shrek reference). I wonder how many people read this fic thinking they were going to get depressed!Lovino, only to get a generous helping of depressed!Antonio. If you didn't see it coming, over the chapters throughout the story, Antonio has displayed the tendency to feign his happiness. That is the ambiguity of sadness.

and lastly,

d. I did a very stupid thing. I wanted this to be as realistic as possible, so I went through my old journals. And I may or may not have had a nervous breakdown that is still ongoing this moment. I thought I was strong enough to handle it, but I wasn't. PLEASE NEVER DO WHAT I DID OKAY

It's painful writing about things you've experienced time and time again. But for you guys? I would.

~jellydonu16~

P.S. Yes, I know there is a difference between sadness and depression. I've had more than half a decade's worth of experience under my belt for that.

P.P.S. Thoughts? What do you think about depressed!Antonio? Sorry if the chapter sucked. And I'm sorry if it was too short. I'll do better next time. I wish I had more to show for the month-long radio silence. As for the prize fic, I've worked on it a bit, but I can't really get into my A-game like this, so I'll continue once I'm better.

P.P.P.S. Thank you all for the feedback! You guys inspire me, y'know that?