CHAPTER 4:

AM I REALLY THAT FAMOUS?

It had been a long time since Chell wore anything other than a jumpsuit. And given that a jumpsuit would attract stares in London, even by the bizarre standards of Magical Britain, GLaDOS had made a simple but flattering shirt and jeans. GLaDOS made a snide remark about how they were 'slimming', which Chell ignored. GLaDOS herself wore a business suit, and her eyes became a cold blue, and her hair black. It was how they dressed when they went to Diagon Alley, and it was how they dressed as they saw Harry off onto the Hogwarts Express.

They had gone to Diagon Alley with Professor McGonagall, a stern witch with a no-nonsense demeanour. If she had a more apparent sense of humour, her dry wit and stern demeanour would have made her a more moral GLaDOS. She seemed bemused but accepting of the fact that Harry had a computer as a great-aunt, and was genuinely curious about Portal Guns. She was also a font of anecdotes about Harry's parents.

Thanks to McGonagall, they knew where to go in King's Cross Station, although a family of redheads helped matters when the matriarch said something about Muggles. GLaDOS got some stares from the redheads when she effortlessly picked up Harry's trunk and helped it onboard.

She had to wonder, why a steam engine? True, electrical and electronic devices didn't work around Hogwarts or magical areas, unless they were shielded (like her gynoid body), but why not use the myriad ways that wizards and witches had to teleport to get there? Must be some misplaced sentiment.

After their trip to Diagon Alley, both Harry and GLaDOS had spent a long time devouring the texts they had bought at Flourish and Blotts (Chell was grateful, as it meant she could stop testing for the moment, and had spent the time taking Rattmann on an expedition into the abandoned parts of Aperture). GLaDOS felt that the Potions texts didn't quite make that much sense, as there was no chemical way some of these potions, if they were made with mundane ingredients, should be able to create such potions. Perhaps the cauldrons were infused with magic. That made sense. The cauldron Harry bought certainly had a strong residue of magic.

GLaDOS also analysed the spells, as well as reading through Arithmantic texts. This was more promising, from a scientific understanding of magic point of view, as Arithmancy, given that it used mathematics combined with magic, was sort of a bridge between magic and science. It certainly helped her understand some points here and there, about how the Will-based Transmogrification Force changed the world around it.

And then, Harry was at the window, waving at them, his eyes glistening. So too was Chell's. GLaDOS was glad her eyes did not have that capacity: it would not be seemly to be seen leaking water like any old human.

Then, the train was gone, chuffing away to Hogwarts. GLaDOS looked at Chell. "We had better get back home. Do not worry. If he can survive Aperture, he can survive anything this Hogwarts can throw at him."

It was easily one of the most sincerely comforting things Chell had ever heard GLaDOS say.

Harry smiled as he got to reading for the long journey. His snowy white owl, for taking mail, was sitting on his shoulder. He had considered naming her from one of the magic texts, but decided to call her Hedy Lamarr, after the actress and inventor, whose original first name, oddly enough, was the same as a witch in one of his texts, Hedwig. It felt…fitting(1).

The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, or ASHPoD, usually referred to as the Portal Gun, sat nestled within his trunk, along with vials of the various Gels and his Long-Fall Boots. Apparently Flitwick, upon hearing about these devices, wanted to examine them. Harry also brought a laptop. These items were quite heavily shielded.

As he began reading through his Potions text, the door opened, and one of the redheads from earlier poked his head through, a boy his age with freckles and a put-upon expression. "Can I sit in here, please? Everywhere else is full."

Harry shrugged. "Sure. Do you mind if I read?"

"No."

Not long afterwards, the twins who were apparently his older brothers appeared at the door. "Hey, Ron, listen, we're going to the middle of the train. Lee Jordan's apparently got some giant tarantula," one of them said.

"What happened to it?" Harry asked. "Radiation? Chemicals?"

The twins looked at each other, before shrugging. "Dunno. Could've been a potion," said the other twin. "I'm George, and this is Fred. Oh, and this is our little brother Ron."

"I'm Harry Evans," Harry said.

Fred cocked his head. "Really? Y'know, with that scar, you could be Harry Potter."

Ron boggled at Harry. "Wait, what? Are you Harry Potter?"

"That was my birth name, yes," Harry said, wincing slightly. Am I really that famous? he groaned inwardly.

"Then why did you say you were Harry Evans?" Ron demanded indignantly.

"Because my great-aunt, Caroline Evans, adopted me," Harry explained as patiently as he could. "And I'd prefer to be known as Harry Evans."

"Oh, sorry," Ron said, subsiding.

"Well, see you at Hogwarts, Harry!" George said, before the twins left.

For a moment, the two boys sat in awkward silence, before Harry said, "It's okay, I'm not going to bite. I only found out about that whole 'Boy Who Lived' rubbish some weeks ago."

"Oh. So your great-aunt is a Muggle?"

"She was," Harry said with an impish smirk. "Now she's an Artificial Intelligence."

"A what?"

"A computer…" Seeing the blank look on the boy's face, Harry tried to come up with an explanation, before settling on, "Her mind was put into a metal body."

"That sounds like a Muggle form of dark magic," Ron remarked.

"She wasn't happy about it, but her old boss went a bit nuts before he died, and wanted her to be in charge of the facility she worked for forever. She's a bit barmy herself."

"Muggles are," Ron said, shaking his head. "Dad claims that they went to the Moon."

"Well, they did, back in 1969." As did I, for about a minute, Harry reflected.

Ron boggled again. "Well…there you go. Anyway, do you remember what happened when…?" He indicated the scar.

"Not really. I sometimes have nightmares of a green light, and a high-pitched laugh. Professor McGonagall, when I told her about this, thinks it might be memories from the night. Apparently the Killing Curse is green."

"So…you live with a great-aunt who is a…computer?" Ron asked, enunciating the syllables carefully. "Who were those people with you? Was one of them your aunt?"

"Yeah, the one in the suit. The body is like a golem that she can control. The other woman is my big sister, Chell. She doesn't talk much, she had an accident that did something to her voice, but while she's a Muggle, she's also the most awesome big sister you can have."

"I've only got the one sister, and Ginny's not coming to Hogwarts until next year. I guess Bill and Charlie are pretty cool. Bill works as a curse-breaker for Gringotts, and Charlie works with dragons."

The two made small talk, opening up to each other. Ron had some small interest in Harry talking about technology, as his father worked with Muggle technology. Harry was a bit saddened to note that Ron had a lot of hand-me-downs. Even his pet rat had belonged to his older brother (and Gryffindor prefect) Percy.

Harry bought some things for himself and Ron off the trolley when it arrived around noon, and eagerly looked at the cards he had gotten with the Chocolate Frogs. One was of Dumbledore, and he soon had the beginnings of a collection. He was intrigued by the moving pictures on the cards. He told Ron that Muggles had moving pictures, just not on photos or paintings.

Ron had warned him off the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean, but Harry, in the interest of scientific inquiry, resolved to try as many as possible. He remembered an anecdote GLaDOS had delivered about how Sir Francis Galton, the pioneer of fingerprinting, as well as having the dubious fame of being a pioneer of eugenics, had once resolved to try every drug in the Pharmacopeia. He had to halt at C for Castor Oil, as he didn't enjoy the resulting bowel movements(2).

A round-faced boy turned up, asking if they had seen a toad. Unfortunately, neither of them did. Harry, who had done quite a bit of reading, had suggested that the boy, Neville Longbottom, find an older student willing to use a summoning spell. Shortly afterwards, the boy came back, with a bushy-haired girl with prominent front teeth in tow.

After being told that they hadn't found the toad, the girl, who turned out to be a Muggleborn called Hermione, amazed Harry by claiming to have learned all the textbooks by heart, and had even tried out some spells. He'd done so himself, so he asked, "Okay, Hermione. What's the incantation for the Levitation Charm?"

"Wingardium Leviosa," she said, even pronouncing the syllables right.

"The difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"There's no difference, they're just the same plant: aconite!"

"When was the Statute of Secrecy established?"

"First signed in 1689, and made law in 1692," Hermione concluded, and gave Harry a 'So there!' look.

Harry and Ron gaped at Hermione, before Harry grinned and gave her a thumbs-up. "Thank God, I wasn't the only one!" Harry said. "I'm Harry Evans, though my birth name was Harry Potter. Oh, and if you've read about me in those history books, half of it is rubbish."

Hermione, who seemed about to emit a verbal torrent about said history books, seemed deflated. "Oh, you've read them?"

"They got some things right, and a lot of things wrong. They speculate a lot. You looking to go into Ravenclaw? That's where I'm hoping to be."

"Well, I guess so, though I heard Dumbledore was in Gryffindor."

"Knowing me," Neville murmured morosely, "I'll probably end up in Hufflepuff."

"Hey, that just means you'd be loyal, hard-working, and tenacious. When we heard about the Houses, we immediately agreed my big sister would be in Hufflepuff. She never, ever gives up."

"Oh?" Hermione asked. "I thought your…" Then, tact got the better of her when she realised she was about to mention his deceased parents.

Harry said, "It's okay. She's an adopted big sister. Hey, Hermione, do you know anything about Aperture Science?"

Hermione's eyes widened. She clearly did recognise it. "The one where the crazy computer forced an evacuation?"

"Hey, be careful, that's my great-aunt you're talking about!"

Hermione boggled. "Your great-aunt…is GLaDOS?!"

"I thought you said her name was Caroline," Ron said.

"Caroline was the name she had when she was still human," Harry explained patiently. "GLaDOS was the name given to the computer she became: Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. Anyway, how did you know about Aperture, Hermione?"

"My uncle Barney used to work there. Now he works at Black Mesa."

Harry chuckled. "Well, it's probably safer there. And more boring."

Hermione looked at Harry, wondering whether he was insane, before opting to leave and take Neville with her in order to find his wayward toad. Unfortunately, Harry and Ron didn't have much time to talk (Harry was listening to Ron holding forth about Quidditch, which sounded almost as dangerous and exciting as an Aperture test chamber) when the door opened again. A blonde-haired boy with an aloof air, flanked by a pair of thuggish-looking boys (Harry wondered briefly, did wizards have cloning vats?), was present. "They say Harry Potter is in this compartment. Are you him?"

"What an interesting existential question," Harry said.

"Exist-what?" the boy asked.

"My name is Harry Evans. I was born under that name, yes, so technically, I can be called Harry Potter. And this is Ronald Weasley. And you are very rude, opening a door and asking a question without giving us your name and excusing for the intrusion."

The boy blinked, his mouth working up and down, before he said, "My name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. And this is Crabbe, and this is Goyle."

"Well, what can I do for you, Draco?" Harry said, with a cheerful gadfly grin on his face. GLaDOS' sense of humour had definitely rubbed off too much on him. "Someone named you after a constellation, actually. Nice touch. And a dragon too."

"Are you mocking me?"

"No, no no no," Harry reassured Draco, though a small inward part of him snorted and said Yeah(3)! "I love astronomy!" Which was true enough.

"It was a family tradition with my mother's family," Draco said. Then, deciding to get the conversation back on track, he said, "Some wizarding families, Potter, are much better than others. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."

"Wait, what? You want to help me with networking?" Harry asked, straight-faced, trying to keep his glee at annoying this guy down to manageable levels. "Well, with all due respect, Draco," (meaning very little at all), "I'd like to judge people on their own merits, by myself. I'm the sort of guy who likes to learn from his mistakes. Thanks all the same, though." He looked at his watch. "I think we'll be at Hogwarts before long. D'you mind if we have some privacy to change?"

Draco looked vaguely bemused, before he said, "Very well. But remember what I said, Potter."

"Draco, my last name is Evans. Please do me that courtesy, please?"

Draco merely sniffed, before he left. Hermione came by briefly. "Have you been fighting?"

"No, just putting a snooty guy in his place with confusing words."

"I can't believe you said that to Malfoy and got away with it," Ron said in amazement.

"It's both what you say, and how you say it," Harry said. "What's with him, anyway?"

"His father, supposedly, was being controlled by You Know Who, but Dad reckons that was rubbish." He looked at Hermione. "Sorry, what did you want?"

"I wanted to tell you to change," she said. "We're nearly there."

"I know," Harry said. "I have a watch."

"Is that a digital watch? I thought anything electrical couldn't work at Hogwarts."

"If we get into the same House, I'll show you otherwise," Harry said with an impish smile.

As Hermione left, Ron sighed. "Well, I wouldn't want to be in the same House as her."

Harry had to disagree, privately. For all her bossiness, she had certainly gotten Harry's attention and respect for being as devoted to memorising the texts as he was. Of course, there was still the Sorting to go through, and who knew how that would end up?

CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:

Going through the stations of canon, although Harry, being a product of growing up in Aperture, is a little unhinged. And did you guys like the touch of Hermione's uncle having worked at Aperture? Or that it's Barney Calhoun?

Review-answering time! desireejones99: Actually, the Horcrux emerged after Harry was brought out of a vacuum by GLaDOS.

diagonalpumpkin: While we won't be seeing how she performed during the trip to Diagon Alley (she ruffled a few feathers, but was more concerned with information gathering than snark, and she made the owners of Flourish and Blotts very happy. But she will interact with other wizards in the future, especially as she begins digging into the Sirius Black case.

I've already answered Midgarosormr in correspondence, but I will answer his qualms here. Firstly, Harry/Hermione shipping may have been done to death by everybody else, but I am yet to do such a ship myself, so this is me trying to break new ground for myself. Secondly, I intend to only take a couple of cues from Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (namely a less than sane Harry with a big inquisitive streak), and I try to write entertainment first, and thought-provoking stuff second.

Both of the above praised my portrayal of GLaDOS, and I said to Midgarosormr that I view writing GLaDOS as the offspring of HAL 9000 (obviously), Kerr Avon from Blake's 7, and Lucrezia Mongfish from Girl Genius. Here, though, she is saner because she is closer to how she is before she deleted Caroline near the end of Portal 2. The reason why she tries not to kill Harry and Chell is partly because she doesn't want to lose her favourite toys, and partly because she does love them, albeit in a twisted fashion.

Jostanos: No staff, but as seen above, he is taking the Portal Gun to Hogwarts…and heaven help Hogwarts, cause nothing else will.

TehUnoman: Yes, he did. But remember, even broken clocks are right twice a day.

1. I decided Harry would choose a science name, and chose Hedy Lamarr partly because of her association with invention, and partly because it is a reference to Kleiner's pet Headcrab in Half-Life 2, also by Valve. It wasn't until I looked Hedy Lamarr on Wikipedia that I found, by wonderful happenstance, that 'Hedy' was short for 'Hedwig'. How great is that?

2. This is true. Francis Galton was a relation of Charles Darwin, and also contributed much to the field of statistics. Unfortunately, he was also a proponent of eugenics.

3. A reference to a similar line in the first episode of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, where Alucard, after the homicidal vampire priest demands "Are you mocking me?!", says "Oh no, no no no. Pfft! Yeah!"