CHAPTER 8:

IS THAT A CORPSE?

Harry wished he could have seen the troll, albeit out of curiosity than anything else. As it was, it was lucky it had killed nobody, and the only injuries seemed to be either indirectly related, or not related at all. Quirrell supposedly had fainted upon seeing the troll and got a concussion, while Snape was limping the next day. Thankfully, Hermione, Ron and Neville didn't have anything happen, though given Malfoy's increasingly belligerent attitude, Harry was kind of hoping something would befall the blonde idiot. If his parents believed the same blood purity idiocy as Malfoy seemed to subscribe to, then he could only put it down to excessive inbreeding.

Harry and Hermione had been at the table when Quirrell burst in and started screaming about a troll. Harry was a little ambivalent about Halloween. After all, the wizards were celebrating the night for their own reasons, but also because it was the night his parents died fighting Voldemort, and his legend began. But he decided to attend the feast anyway, and found it enjoyable enough to overcome his qualms.

Flitwick didn't seem all that forthcoming about why the troll had been present, as Harry and Hermione were sure that the wards should have stopped it. He was certainly evasive, meaning that there was more to the story than that.

Why was there a troll in the castle? Certainly a good question, to which Harry didn't have the answer. And one thing that he did get from his great-aunt was a hatred of ignorance, especially in themselves.

Speaking of GLaDOS, she had sent a letter not long ago stating that they had received another visit from John Smith. Harry thought the man (well, for a loose definition of 'man') to be creepy, albeit in an interesting way. Not only that, but they had acquired a new researcher from Black Mesa.

Which was why, as they ate breakfast the morning after the troll incident, Harry asked Hermione, "Do you know a guy from Black Mesa called Gordon Freeman?"

"Do I? His papers are brilliant! Uncle Barney says he's a fun guy, but pretty eccentric, and he's got a temper. Supposedly, Black Mesa was thinking of firing him."

"Well, they must have done it. He's now at Aperture," Harry said, looking at the missive GLaDOS had sent him. "He's apparently still trying to figure out how the Portal Gun works. Apparently he had a fit when he first saw it in action. But he's settling in."

"Wow. Gordon Freeman working at Aperture? That's actually pretty scary," Hermione muttered. "Then again, I'm still trying to figure out how half the stuff you've told me about works."

"I think the standard explanation at Aperture Science is that it works because, well, it's Aperture. Those Gels were originally diet aids, remember?"

"So Aperture is like Bloody Stupid Johnson(1)?"

"Actually, that's not a bad analogy for some of the inventions. I remember hearing Cave Johnson say in a recording that they throw science at the wall and see what sticks. Of course, he was less Bloody Stupid Johnson than he was Bloody Insane Johnson."

"Speaking of which, what have you been doing with Ron's brothers?"

"Plotting. They're good pranksters, with inventive minds, but even the most inventive mind can get stale and staid. Sometimes they just need a fresh viewpoint. They want some of the Gel. Now, I'm not going to give it to them, in case you're wondering. That stuff can be dangerous when used improperly, especially if you're bouncing on Repulsion Gel and don't have Long-Fall Boots. But what's that cliché? There's more than one way to skin a cat?"

Hermione grimaced. "I'm a cat person. I've never liked that figure of speech."

"Believe me, GLaDOS has probably tested exactly how many ways there are," Harry said blithely. "Actually, she's been busy on something else lately. Supposedly she's talking to the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement."

"Why?"

"Well, my godfather was apparently Sirius Black. Did you read up on the Fidelius Charm?" Harry asked.

"Not yet."

"Well, it's a magic spell that can be used to conceal a person or a location, right? And only a designated third party can know about that secret. So the third party knows the secret, and can divulge to anyone who needs access to that person or location. Otherwise, nobody knows where the person or location is. This third party is called a Secret Keeper. With me?"

Hermione nodded. "I did hear that Sirius Black somehow betrayed the Potters. Was he the Secret Keeper?"

"That's what everyone else thought. But GLaDOS just noticed some…inconsistencies. Particularly with the subsequent murder of thirteen people he did afterwards. I mean, he apparently killed Peter Pettigrew with a curse of some kind that left only his finger. But if Peter got blown up, which is what they say, how come only a finger remained? Surely there'd be other chunks of him around?"

"Harry, I am trying to eat my breakfast." After eating some more, she said, "But you've got a point. Most spells that I have read about would be…messier, or cleaner."

"And the Muggles killed in the same blast were certainly more intact, and Sirius himself was uninjured. And, of course, by all accounts, Sirius and my father were like brothers. So the people my great-aunt has interviewed said. But because the Blacks were a notoriously dark family, well, they thought he was reverting to form. But here's the real kicker: my great-aunt asked the Head of the DMLE to provide trial records and whatever records were made at the time of the arrest."

"And what did they say?"

"Well, the arrest records said little more than I already said…but there were no records of a trial. Either they got lost, or Black never got one. And apparently Azkaban's not a good place to be."

"Azkaban? That's the wizarding prison, right? The one guarded by Dementors?"

"Yeah. I don't want to be anywhere near one of those," Harry said with a shudder. "Anyway, have you finished Potions homework?"

"Of course. You?"

"Just need to put the finishing touches. Snape's a bit nasty, but if you do things right, he's actually quite the font of knowledge. Unfortunately, he seems to have it in for poor Neville. I've been giving Neville and Ron some tips, though." He pursed his lips. "That being said, that question about asphodel and wormwood is a pretty advanced one, by at least a couple of years. I think he was trying to test me. Still, at least he's competent, unlike Quirrell."

Hermione nodded. Well, it was a bit harsh. At times, Quirrell managed to get his act together and teach some useful things, and to be fair to him, the homework assignments were informative, and often more interesting than the lessons themselves. But it would be hard to find a more incompetent DADA teacher than him…

In different parts of Magical Britain, two people sneezed simultaneously, twice. One was a handsome wizard with blonde hair, a shining smile, and a series of bestselling books plagiarised from the experiences of more competent wizards. The other was what happened when you squeezed a human toad into a pink cardigan and gave her what seemed like a perpetual cough.

Gilderoy Lockhart immediately Floo-called his very expensive physician just in case something was wrong. Dolores Umbridge, the Batrachian Bitch, merely wiped her nose with a handkerchief and wondered who was talking smack about her behind her back, before deciding that it was the next person she found who disagreed with her…

Gordon Freeman wasn't sure what he hated most about Aperture Science. He didn't mind the mute babe in the orange jumpsuit: Chell was easy on the eyes, and having been on the receiving end of more than a few tasers over the years, he held back on the pick-up lines. She had the look of someone who wouldn't put up with too much cheesy crap.

Of course, the computer woman had a better rack (when she was in her gynoid body, anyway). But then again, she also had a shitload of crazy in her circuits. Then again, if you asked intelligent questions, she gave intelligent answers with a minimum of sarcasm, so GLaDOS had that going for her at least.

Then, there was Mr Schizophrenic, aka Douglas Rattmann. The guy who was a graffito who painted the walls with his crazy (though thankfully not with any of his bodily fluids). When he wasn't being more suspicious than Freeman at his most neurotic, he was a half-decent conversationalist, though he kept on posing questions to that Companion Cube thing, and getting answers from it. He called it Tetra.

One of the top contenders for the most hateful thing in Aperture was Wheatley. He was stupid, irritatingly cheerful (rather like Barney or Kleiner but with none of the charm), and made out that he understood more than he did. His one redeeming feature was that he was occasionally funny.

Another top contender was Cave Johnson, the former CEO. This was an impressive feat, considering he was a dead man. But Johnson's sloppy idea of what scientific experimentation entailed, coupled with his ego (between GLaDOS and Freeman himself, Aperture's capacity for ego was overflowing already), meant that Gordon turned the word 'Cave' into an expletive. Like 'Cavedammit!' Or 'Caving Hell!'

Of course, another top runner for the position of most hated thing about Aperture was, well, what they created. It should have been goddamn impossible to create the things they did, like a Portal Gun that had a miniaturised black hole sitting in the middle. A black hole. One that you carried in a gun without it eating, oh, the entire planet, with you as an amuse-bouche! The Gels were a little easier to believe, but artificial intelligences? Emancipation Fields? Modular rooms that could actually be constructed in less than a minute?!

At least that last thing was like a challenge to his intellect, in a good way. Well, on a good day, anyway. But one thing that was bothering him alongside those many other things was the fact that magic existed. Goddamned magic. Apparently the crazy computer was once a normal woman who had a niece who was a witch, and said niece had a son who was a wizard. He wouldn't have believed her, had she not locked him into a projection room playing footage of observations of the kid doing magic, as well as a monograph detailing GLaDOS' observations of her great-nephew. Including genetic work.

Still, good name for magic for scientific purposes. Will-based Transmogrification Force, or WTF. Summed up GLaDOS' thoughts on magic, and Freeman concurred.

Currently, his was poring over the monograph again, when GLaDOS' gynoid form walked in with a trolley with a covered shape that looked uncomfortably like a dead body. "Would you like to blow something up?" she asked.

As far as conversation openers were concerned, there were far worse ones. Eventually, he said, "Sure. Is that a corpse?"

"A corpse analogue, made from a variety of materials including ballistics gel, latex, and some spare organs and blood we had in one of the fridges," GLaDOS said. "I am currently conducting an investigation into the stupidity of wizards, and how easily they can be fooled."

"And how does a corpse analogue help that?"

"Oh, I've completed most relevant parts of the investigation through computer simulation. This is more along the lines of stress relief. And Aperture Science has a number of clauses on stress relief. The Onanism Clause, the Office Relationship Clause, and the Blowing Shit Up Clause, amongst so many others. It is the last I am inviting you to join in on. Would you like to detonate the explosive?"

There was virtually no argument. Gordon merely asked, "Just one question: is it just a big red button, or can I push down a plunger?"

"The plunger is available for the connoiseur."

"Then I would love to blow some shit up. Especially a corpse analogue. It should be spectacularly gory, though. I hope it is. Gordon wants big boom(2)."

"Then we are in accord, Doctor Freeman. Once we are done, I will go about exonerating an innocent man."

"Oh yeah, Doctor Freeman's gonna get his record expunged!"

"…I was talking about Harry's godfather."

Disappointing though that revelation was, it was a satisfying and gory explosion. Gordon Freeman was loathe to admit it, but he was beginning to enjoy himself at Aperture. Now, if only he could find a way to make that Office Relationship Clause work. Of course, he wasn't exactly spoiled for choice, between the crazy computer chick and the hot mute. But the Freeman could make this work, couldn't he?

CHAPTER 8 ANNOTATIONS:

More Gordon and GLaDOS, with a bit of Harry and Hermione. BTW, I've decided that I am shipping Gordon with GLaDOS. This is the Gordon Freeman from Freeman's Mind: he's crazy enough to date GLaDOS.

I've glossed over the troll incident because I thought, with both Harry and Hermione in Ravenclaw, nobody ended up anywhere near the damned thing, unlike in canon. After all, Hermione wouldn't have been paired up with Ron, blah blah blah…

Anyway, next chapter, Christmas! That chapter will be part of the Christmas update, and the only Christmas-themed chapter in the lot.

Review-answering time! foxchick1: I loved how he screamed that line during the faux-trailer for Freeman Across the Universe, and I thought the fainting would be great for comic effect.

davidteague3950: The complaints line was something I made up, but based on Cave Johnson's obsession with lemons, burning or otherwise. And yes, I found the portrait of Cave and Caroline. Got the achievement to boot. That being said, in canon, GLaDOS is pretty bloody crazy and pretty evil. It's just that Portal 2 added some depth to her, and in this version of events, while her morality is loose as hell, she still actually has some. I do love Want You Gone, and there's a video of Ellen McLain singing a song originally intended for Portal 2 (accompanied on guitar by her husband, John Patrick 'Wave goodbye to yer head, wanker!' Lowrie, aka the Sniper from Team Fortress 2), called Don't Say Goodbye. An enterprising fan has even done a YouTube video of the song with electronic processing to make it sound like GLaDOS is singing. Harry101UK did it (and has done a lot of really funny Portal music videos). And you're probably right about GLaDOS' reaction to Animagi.

1. An infamous character in the backstory of many of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, known for making things that don't work as they should on paper. Like an explosive from sand and water, an oversized beehive later used as a pigeon coop, and an ornamental trout lake 140 metres long, but one inch wide.

2. A reference to Jamie Hyneman's utterance in one of the earliest episodes of MythBusters, which has also blown up human body analogues.