I go to bed early, to avoid everyone. It works, because no one bothers me anymore. Life's starting to get back to normal again.

Tomorrow's my birthday, it's also marks one month since I last saw Cas. I like to think that he's being better, mainly because I've been watching the news basically non-stop. Sometimes I get mad when all the reporters talk about is the government and the rise of gas prices. I want Cas to do something, something newsworthy, because I so badly want to see him. Just in a picture. I've gone to the library a few times, and read stories over him. Sure they may be gruesome and one sided but still…its Cas. The black and white photographs of him don't do him justice, but I can still see how handsome he is…

I angle my book just right so that it cuts out my view of the light. I'm in my room, lying on the ground because my clothes are filthy from work. I just haven't had the energy to go shower yet, working on cars wears you out. My muscles hurt.

"Why?" I drop my book to my chest and pick my head up to see mom standing in the doorway.

"What?" she comes in and sits on the bed. I sit up and rest my hands on my knees. I wasn't going to object about her coming in her uninvited. If it were Sam then I would.

"You said your muscles hurt."

I didn't know I had been speaking out loud, "Long day."

She reaches her hand out and rubs a spot on my cheek, "If you come into the living room tonight we can watch whatever you want." When she pulls her hand back her thumb is black from the grease she must have wiped off me.

I shrug barley, "I'm not really interested in many TV shows. They all pretty much suck." I shake my book at her and she frowns.

"I didn't know you liked to read."

"I use to read all the time."

Mom laughs, "Yeah back in elementary." I close the book and slide it across the floor. I only stopped reading because I never had time for it. I had to watch Sam while mom and dad were at work, and at school the teachers never liked me so I was never encouraged to try. So I didn't. "What book is it?" she looks concerned and I cave under her gaze.

"It's by Kurt Vonnegut." I roll my shoulders, and look away from her. This is the most social interaction I've had in a few days with my family. It's too loud.

"I miss you Dean."

"I'm home almost every night." At least I'm here for the parts where they're awake.

Mom gets up, she's not smiling as much as she was and it sends a spike of guilt right through me, "You're in your room 24/7 Dean. I see you when you walk through the living room to the kitchen. Sometimes you don't even eat with us." Her voice softens, "Honey it's been a month, why won't you talk to anyone. I know it must have been bad but-"

"It wasn't that bad. I'm fine." My voice is quiet, but it gets my point across. I just want everyone else to forget what happened…sometimes…sometimes I want to forget. I want to forget Cas so the pain in my chest will stop. But I can't forget his blue eyes. And even if I did start to forget what his deep, gravelly voice sounded like I might go insane.

Mom doesn't say anything, she knows my lying face, because she's seen it a million times, and she knows that I'm only the partial truth. "I love you Dean, you know that right?"

"I love you too mom, of course I know you do." I stand up and wrap her in a hug, even though I'm covered in grease and sweat and I smell so bad I even can barely stand it.

She lets go of me and picks up my arm, the one with Cas's signature, "Will you tell me about it then?" I honestly don't know why she wants to know. I just know that she's my mom and I don't want to lie to her. However I don't think I can tell her about the real Cas. If I do she might tell the cops, or she might even be disgusted with me. I wouldn't blame her.

I nod and fake a smile, "Later. I'm going to take a shower." I leave my room before she can ask later when.

In the shower I lean my head against the wall and feel the warm water hit my back. I don't miss the crappy water pressure of the hotel rooms.

Suddenly I'm picturing Cas's arms around me, I think about how it would feel to have his fingers dig into my hips again. How last time the bruises lasted for almost two weeks. I loved it, the pain and the knowledge that I was his to claim. I dig my nails into the palms of my hands until it hurts too much; it's not like I get off on pain. I hate it just about the same as anyone else, except when Castiel was the one causing it. My imaginary Cas bites at my ear and I feel my hand wrap around my dick and start to languidly stroke. We only had one time together. So I stretch out every part of it and replay my favorite moments. His fingers circling my entrance, the way his hot breath felt against my chest as he kissed his way down. I bite back a cry at the peak and I feel my body relax. The rest of my shower is quick and I'm in my room dressed in sweat pants and an old Zeplin T-shirt in no time.

Mom moves over on the couch when I walk into the living room, Dad is asleep in his chair and Sam isn't anywhere in sight. I flop down next to her and she hands me the remote. "Where's the midget?" she glares at me and I smile, "Where's Sam?"

"He's in his room on the phone."

"Jessica?"

Mom kind of smiles, "I don't want my baby to grow up."

"Ah well, you'll always have me, I'm never leaving. The food's too good." I start to channel surf, "Family Guy?"

Mom wrinkles her nose, "Fine." She never has liked us watching shows like this, adult cartoons. She thinks they're too vulgar, but hey my friends and I are a lot worse. She doesn't need to know that.

I sit the remote on the floor and jump when mom leans into me, "Tomorrow's your birthday Dean."

"Are you sure? I think that was last year."

She ignores me and continues like I hadn't said a thing, "What do you want for a present?"

I shrug, "I don't know, you know what I like."

"I knew what you liked last year, you told me a list a foot long of all the different things I could get you."

Again I shrug.

"Do you want to tell me all the different things you like?" she's digging at something. "You could tell me about the person you wanted to kiss on New Year's Eve. Dark hair right? Blue eyes?"

"Its fine mom, I only saw that person once. It was an endless day but it was once."

Mom turns her head at me and I continue to stare at the TV screen. "This person, is it a guy?" all at once I feel my muscles tighten and I want to flee the room, "Because Dean, I'm your mother and I would love you no matter what. There's nothing wrong-"

"Why do you think that?" my voice comes out higher than I would have liked it. I look over at dad and he still looks completely asleep.

"Because I'm your mother."

"Does dad know?" It feels too hot in here, even though I know it's not. My palms are sweaty and I wipe them on my sweats, "He hates me enough as it is."

"He doesn't hate you Dean. And no, he doesn't know that you're…? So what does that make you?"

"I don't know! I just don't care either way if it's a girl or a guy, I just like people." I throw my hands up in the air and they fall back heavily on my lap. So there's three people in Lawrence that know. I lift my head and almost curl into a ball, make that four people.

"That's called pansexual." Sam chimes in.

Mom sits up, "I thought you were on the phone Sam."

"Jessica had to do the dishes, and it's a school night tomorrow, so her mom made her get off." Sam sits on the recliner and looks at the TV, "Oh cool! Family Guy."

"No." mom picks up the remote and switches the channel, sadly Tosh.O comes on and she nearly loses her control. Finally the screen shows the second Harry Potter movie and she looks at Sam again. "How long where you there?"

Sam shrugs and picks up a book from the floor next to his chair. "Dean said he was into both guys and girls." I look at him, horrified. I didn't want everyone to find out at once. Sam shrugs his shoulders, "I don't know why you're talking about it, practically everyone knows."

"Oh." oh.

"Dad's the one that told me not to make a big deal about it, and I wouldn't, because honestly I don't care." He flips to a random page and begins to read like nothing he said is important.

But I can feel my whole understanding of my life slipping around me.

I stand up and start to walk back to my room…to process everything, but I feel a hand wrap around my arm, "I thought you were going to watch TV with me tonight."

I sit back down and mom sticks her cold feet next to mine and she tosses me the remote again. But I'm not going to turn it from Harry Potter.

"Oh Dean?" Sam sets down his book again and looks at me, I glance at him. The movie's at the part with the freaking cat being all bloody and I have to watch it.

"Yeah?"

"Will you take me to the library tomorrow?"

"It's my birthday tomorrow."

"You never care about your birthday."
"Yeah well this year I do." I turn to mom, who is smiling from ear to ear, "Can I have a pie for tomorrow?"

"You're so lame."

"Don't call your brother lame Sam." Mom scolds him

"Yeah Sam, don't call me lame for celebrating another year of being alive in this wonderful place we call Kansas."

"Don't be snide Dean." Mom scolds me now.

"Fine, after work."

"It closes at seven." Sam whines, "You always get home at six."

I pause it and stare at mom, "Make him stop."

She laughs and holds up her hands, "There's nothing I can do."

"Bobby would let you go earlier if you said it was for me." Sam gives me his best puppy dog eyes and I cave. I don't even have to work tomorrow anyways. I just didn't feel like telling anyone because I'd be forced to do something festive. Which might make me puke.

"Fine but I'm not staying in that library for a long time. I actually want to be normal. Not some freak with a big head."

"Dean." Mom scolds me again.

"His head isn't proportional to his body."

"I'm growing into it."

"That's the problem, you won't stop growing."

"Enough." Mom commands. Sam and I instantly duck our heads, mom never complains. She smiles, "Hermione is about to have a hissy fit."