SIDE B

Track 7: Red Red Wine - UB40

END OF TAPE

Missing Track: One Step Beyond - Madness

My legs felt so unsteady, walking to the bus stop that final night, that I almost stumbled on more than one occasion, my head light and my stomach wracked with nerves. I tried my best to shake it off, squeezing my eyes shut and forcing a smile onto my features as I neared her, but still I couldn't quite lift the sorrow in my heart.

"There you are!" Bernie exclaimed, turning around and stomping out a cigarette as I neared. She was anxious too. "I was beginning to think something had happened to you!"

I let out a nervous chuckle, leaning forward to give her a chaste peck on the cheek, as friends normally would. It was the largest display of affection we could show in public.

"No," I shook my head, my arms limp at my sides as I tried to think of something to say. My mind was blank. "Just…"

She rested her hand on my forearm briefly, giving it a light squeeze. "I know," she murmured, taking a breath. "Me too."

Silence ensued for a couple of seconds, before she seemed to pick herself up, standing straighter. "Look, I got you something," she announced, fishing about in her handbag. Before I had chance to say anything, she pulled out a grey C60 cassette tape. "Well, I made you something," she corrected, holding it out to me. I took it from her, turning it over to read what she had scrawled on the back.

'Our Songs'

To keep you going 'til we're together again!

With love,

Bernie xxxx

16.9.83

My mouth fell open slightly. "Thank— Thank you!" I stammered, blinking. "I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything; I didn't realise we were doing gifts—"

"No, no," she hushed, grabbing my free hand. "Don't worry about that. I just found a blank tape in my room and thought it might be nice to… I don't know, see what memories I could fit on it?" She smiled knowingly.

"Why, what's on it?" I asked, flipping it over for a track list. She shook her head.

"No," she grinned, her eyes twinkling. "No track list. You can listen to it and see what I've managed to recollect — see if you can remember them all!"

I raised my eyebrows in challenge. "Well, I've got a better memory than you!"

"Rubbish!" She laughed, turning at the bus approached. "You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on well enough!"

"Speak for yourself!" I shoved her playfully by the shoulder as we boarded, slipping the tape into my handbag as I got my purse out for the fare.

"Oh, and the last song isn't one of ours, per se," she added as we sat down. "It was only released last week I think, but they said the title on the radio and I thought, 'that is so Serena'." She winked. I winced.

"Oh god, what is it?"

She laughed, nudging me with her shoulder. "Nothing that bad. You'll see! I wonder if they'll play it tonight," she wondered aloud.

They did.

"This is it! This is your song!" She gushed as track began. We were already on the dancefloor at this stage. As this was our last night, both of us had made a conscious effort to stay more sober than usual. We didn't want to forget a single moment of the night ahead, much less have it cut short should one of us overdo it, so only had a couple of glasses of my very favourite drink before we were off, dancing away.

Red, red wine

Goes to my head

Makes me forget that I

Still need her so

I opened my mouth in mock offence.

"How is this me?" I yelled over the music, an eyebrow raised challengingly. She grinned fondly, so that the corners of her eyes crinkled.

"How is it not?" She laughed, pressing her thumb to my pouted lips. It was a gesture we had developed in the past few weeks, signalling a time when, had it been safe to do so, we would have kissed. Not that often it was necessary to communicate in that way; I could always see in her eyes when she wanted that, but this allowed us a little more intimacy than simply thinking about it.

Red, red wine

Stay close to me

Don't let me be alone

It's tearin' apart

My blue, blue heart

We stayed on the dancefloor for most of the night, jumping and twirling, desperately trying to shake off the dark cloud that hung above us, reminding us that this was the end. I tried to enjoy the moment, and I did, watching her, how beautiful she was when she danced, how much I admired her and loved her, how lucky I was that we had had all this time, but still my heart ached. I contemplated getting another drink, in the hope of allowing myself to relax a little more, but I didn't want anything at all to take away from the time we had together. And it wasn't as though I suffered alone; I could tell by the way her lip wobbled from time to time, and how she blinked just that little bit harder, every now and then, that she was feeling it too.

We kept looking at our watches, too. Both of us wanted to stay until the end, so that we could have our last 'last dance', but the urge to finally be alone, to spend our final night in the hotel together, made us both wish that 3am would hurry up, then immediately feeling guilt realising that we were wishing away our final hours together, so eventually gave up on it, leaving the club just before midnight in favour of having our time alone together.

"There's a radio in there, we can just have our own last dance!" Bernie suggested enthusiastically as we climbed the stone steps to the hotel, but her cheery tone was interrupted by her voice breaking on the last syllable. I reached out and squeezed her hand, steadying her as we booked in, and as soon as we were on the staircase and out of sight I pressed a soothing kiss to her lips.

"Alright?" I whispered, brushing my thumb over her knuckles.

She let out a sigh, biting the inside of her cheeks as her eyes glittered. "Yeah," she said shortly, and I knew that she was barely holding herself together.

By the time the bedroom door swung closed behind us, I noticed the first tear roll down her cheek.

"Hey," I murmured, tossing my bag and jacket down onto the bed and spinning her round to face me as she stood, her eyes downcast and her hair fallen into her face. "Who was it that said no tears?" I lifted her chin with my fingertips, tucking her hair behind her ear and wiping her eyes with the pad of my thumb. She barked out a laugh, avoiding my gaze.

"I just have something in my eye," she lied jokingly, and I couldn't help a fond smile, my arms coming up around her shoulders to pull her into an embrace.

"We're going to be okay, remember," I insisted, as much for my own benefit as hers. "We can write and phone each other, and Christmas isn't too far away." I pressed my lips to her temple, feeling her arms tighten around my waist as we stood in the silence with heavy hearts.

She nodded, her cheek brushing against mine as she did so. "I know," she breathed, steadying herself. "I know. I'm fine. Don't worry." She pulled back with a tearful smile.

"Let's just relax for a few minutes," I said, grabbing her hand and pulling her onto the bed, flicking on the radio as we went. She discarded her bag and jacket with mine, our hands only disconnecting long enough for her to pull her arm out of the sleeves, before climbing on after me, nestling in the crook of my arm as I leant against the headboard. I closed my eyes, savouring the feeling of her in my arms, of the gentle thud of her heart against my side through our blouses, of the sweet scent of her curls as I buried my nose in them.

"I love you," I whispered into her hair, squeezing her hand as I did so. Her grip tightened.

"I love you too."

Slowly, her breaths became less ragged, the emotion that was choking her becoming less overpowering as we lay there, listening to the radio and enjoying the feeling of our bodies resting against one another. I was beginning to feel almost sleepy, and quickly shook myself, not wanting to lose even a second that I had left with her.

"We still need to have our dance," I announced. She jumped slightly at my sudden speech; she had been dozing off too.

"I don't think we'll get anything on this station," she chuckled as Billy Idol blared from the speakers. I disentangled myself from her, fiddling with the nozzle, but all the radio stations seemed to play much of the same. I looked at my watch.

"It's nearly twelve. Don't Radio 1 have a wind-down show at this time?"

She yawned. "Maybe. It'll be on after the news."

I turned the dial to the correct frequency before climbing back next to her. "Okay, first song that comes on - we'll have our dance. Otherwise we'll be up all night waiting for the right one."

"We'll be up all night anyway," she mumbled sleepily, curling around me to place a kiss on the sensitive spot at the back of my neck. I shuddered.

"That's not the point." I raised an eyebrow at her. She smiled.

"Okay. You're on."

We listened as the presenter announced midnight and read the day's headlines: privatisation of catering services in the NHS, premier league football results, the thirteenth anniversary of Jimi Hendrix's death. Finally, the closing jingle rang out, and the night presenter began his speech.

"Right there folks, you're listening to the Saturday late night show with Gary Davies, and if you're not up and dancing yet - why aren't you?! It's Saturday night! Here's a little number that'll get even the most grumbly of your pals up and ready to hit the town…"

She raised an eyebrow at me skeptically. "This is such a bad ide—"

Hey you,

Don't watch that, watch this!

"I rest my case." She flopped back down on the bed. I shook my head, grabbing her hand with a grin.

"No. We're doing this," I insisted, groaning slightly as I attempted to pull her up. She covered her face with her free hand.

"Serena, we can't slow dance to this. Of all the songs…"

"Well, you never know until you try," I pushed, finally managing to pull her up and off of the bed. I could see she was trying to stay disapproving, but her eyes glittered in amusement as I moved her hands to my waist before resting my own on her shoulders, as we usually did for the last dance.

So if you've come off the street

And you're beginning to feel the heat

"You're mad," she shook her head as I started swaying her gently. I laughed.

"This is so romantic," I joked, stepping forward slightly to rest myself, my hips, flush against her, as it had been too dangerous to do when we had danced in clubs. She smirked, looking down at where our bodies joined.

Well, listen buster

You'd better start to move your feet

"Absolutely," she agreed, as I felt her body relax beneath my fingertips as she got more into it, her hands tight on my waist. "At least it wasn't 'Embarrassment'."

"Oh, how fitting that would have been!"

Too the rockin'est, rock-steady beat

Of Madness

"I'm gonna get you for that!" She threatened, raising an eyebrow.

"Mmm, is that a promise?" I asked provocatively. She grinned.

One step beyond!

Suddenly I was flying through the air, her strong arms lifting me and spinning me around as the beat picked up. I squealed excitedly, my legs dangling as she spun me before landing me down with a thud and pulling me into a half embrace, one hand interlinked and the other around one another's waist, dancing around the room like a couple of drunks at a wedding. It reminded me so much of the first time we had gone out together, to the Glenn Miller tribute band, and how we had danced then, jumping about enthusiastically whilst everyone else stepped in a more sophisticated rhythm. If the people downstairs shouted complaints at our thudding about, I didn't register it; I was too lost in her giggles and the wicked glint in her eye, until eventually with an elated laugh she reached around to cup my arse, using it as leverage to lift me up and throw me back onto the bed before climbing on top, her golden necklace dangling just above my heart.

"I've been wanting to do this all night," she growled as she tore at my blouse, her lips falling to the base of my neck as I writhed beneath her, my fingernails clawing at her back over her top before tugging it from her jeans.

"Took you long enough," I breathed, arching into her as I smoothed my palm across her bare back.

"Hmm," she murmured, her lips travelling across my collar as she opened my blouse roughly, popping a few buttons along the way. "I don't know how I resisted. How do I ever resist ravishing you, the moment I set eyes on you? You're so fucking sexy…" She dipped her hands below the waistband of my trousers, giving my arse a rough squeeze.

I giggled happily, my fingers coming up to knot in her hair. "I don't think I'd object to that," I mused. She lifted her head back up, her eyes meeting mine with a playful sparkle. "Kiss me," I ordered, and she obliged, her mouth hot and wanting on mine as we nipped and sucked at one another's lips, tongues pushing forcefully and tasting one another as if it were the very first time, hungry and needing and insatiable.

She let out a surprised squeak as I flipped her onto her back, pinning her arms above her head as I pressed a thigh between hers, causing her to gasp as she ground down involuntarily, heat rising up her throat.

"I don't know why… you think you've got any chance at holding me down…" She teased, her breaths becoming ragged as I moved my knee against her. "You know I could have you begging for mercy in less than thirty seconds…"

"Could you?" I breathed against her lips, moving one hand to unbutton the front of her jeans. "How about…" She groaned, canting her hips as I dipped a finger into her underwear, feeling how soaked she was for me. I dragged my forefinger up her slit, spreading her wetness so that she was slick all over. "… Now?"

A high-pitched, strangled gasp burst from her lips as my forefinger brushed directly over her clit in just the rhythm I had found to make her lose all control, her back arching and legs trembling and speech incoherent as I applied more and more pressure.

"Fuck… Serena… I… You… Ohhh…" She whimpered as I leant down to place an open-mouthed kiss to her exposed throat, grazing her delicate skin slightly with my teeth and tasting the perspiration already forming there. Her chest convulsed as her pants continued. "God… S'rena… It… You…"

I ran my tongue in a long, wet line up her jugular, along her jawline, to the sensitive skin behind her ear. "Not so cocky now, are we?" I whispered.

If she thought about challenging me, that notion was quickly dissolved as I increased the speed of my fingers, teeth nipping at the side of her neck as she bucked her hips wildly, her moans increasingly high in pitch and her words unintelligible. "Sorry, what was that?" I smirked as I saw her brow furrow in concentration, her mouth hanging open and her breaths erratic. "I'm not letting you come until I get an articulate sentence out of you."

She whimpered, throwing her head back violently and attempting to steady her breathing, but still I kept up my pace. "Serena… Fuck!" She swallowed hard. "Fucking hell, I… you're so good at that please… please let me come…" She whined as I sucked at the base of her neck, my other hand still loosely pinning her wrists together above her head. "I'm so close, please… I want to come all over your hand… want to watch you taste me…" My clit pulsed at her words and my breath caught in my throat, my hips rocking involuntarily. "... Watch you take your fingers full in your mouth until you gag..."

I let out a fast and shaky breath, her words jolting to my core until I was burning, a fresh surge of wetness coating my sex and I couldn't hold back any longer. She near shrieked as my fingers quickened, applying hard pressure directly to her clit. I noticed her skin flushing under my lips and knew that she was about to come undone.

"Come for me, darling," I purred, my lips returning to her ear. "I want to feel you gush as you come in your pants for me. I want to taste you, sweetheart. God, you're so fucking beautiful…" And with that I heard her sharp intake of breath and felt her whole body tense as she climaxed, her cunt twitching beneath my fingertips and a string of expletives leaving her mouth.

As her breathing began to slow I released her arms and gently removed my fingers from her underwear, still hovering above her as I ran my tongue along them before slowly pushing them into my mouth, right to the back of my throat as she watched with hooded eyes, a low growl escaping her lips. I made a play of sucking and savouring her taste on my fingers, moaning in satisfaction until she reached a shaking hand to my wrist, pulling so that my mouth was free for her to lean up and place a tender, lingering kiss there.

I flopped down beside her, her hand slipping from my wrist to interlink our fingers. We lay for a while, gathering ourselves, our chests heaving.

"I'm going to miss this," she murmured eventually, her hand squeezing mine. "How has the time gone so fast?"

"Time flies when you're having fun," I recited, and she barked out a laugh.

"That's one word for it." She turned her head, her gaze flickering between my eyes and my lips before leaning in for another kiss.

"I love you," she breathed, her hands leaving mine to tangle in my hair as I moulded to her, and soon we were at it again, though this time with much less clothes.

We didn't sleep at all that night. We were both too conscious of the time we would be wasting by doing so, and so resolved to keep awake, talking and reminiscing and making love until the sun rose outside our window, and reluctantly we had to board the bus home. Despite there being a couple of other passengers on the top deck, we held hands for the entire journey, albeit discreetly, hidden by our bags, and spent most of the time in silence, contemplating how we were soon to part.

We had said our proper goodbyes in the hotel room, free to kiss and hold one another for as long as we pleased, to whisper over and over how we loved each other and to reassure one another that we would be okay. Bernie told me how she would call me as soon as her parents left and give me the phone number for her halls, as well as an address for me to send letters to, and we agreed to call one another at least twice a week. It would be strange at first, but we would get through it.

"So, I suppose this is it," she announced. We were at the end of our adjoining streets, had been for about five minutes before either of us spoke. All we could do was stand there half-awkwardly, avoiding one another's gaze, finding it impossible to think of anything we could possibly say to sum up how we were feeling.

"Yes, I suppose it is," I replied evenly, my chest tight. She stared at me for a few moments, before seeming to think 'fuck it' and pulling me into an embrace.

"I love you," she whispered into my ear, her cheek resting against mine.

"I love you."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight against tears as we stood in that position for far longer than was to be passed off as normal between friends. She pulled back slightly, bringing her lips to my cheek to place a gentle, lasting kiss there until suddenly she could seem to hold back no more and placed a final, poignant kiss to my lips.

She pulled back quickly, wiping her right eye with her forefinger before reaching her hand up to caress my cheek, her thumb delicately moving to smooth away where her tears had stained there.

"You're getting soft in your old age, Miss Wolfe." It was supposed to sound light-hearted, but my voice came out thick and husky and cracked at her name.

She gave me a watery smile. "What can I say," she murmured. "You've gotten to me."

I smiled back at her, reaching out to give her hand one last squeeze, and placed one final kiss on her cheek.

I took a breath, straightening myself up. "Goodbye, Bernie. I'll speak to you in a couple of days."

"Yes, I'll call you," she replied, nodding a little too exaggeratedly. We stood for a few more moments, our hands still joined, until I stood back.

"See you soon."

"Yes, bye."

I made to drop her hand as I pulled away, but she clung onto it for as long as possible, until both of our arms could stretch no further and she was forced to let go. I couldn't bring myself to turn around again, as I walked along my street, for fear that I would find myself running back to her, clutching her with all my might and begging her not to go, offering anything for us to run away and spend the rest of our lives together. I couldn't do that; it wouldn't have been fair on either of us.

And that was the last time that I saw Berenice Griselda Wolfe.

—

I couldn't help a tear leaking from my eye as the final verses of Red Red Wine played out, signalling the end of my journey with her and hitting a little too close to home.

Red, red wine

It's up to you

All I can do, I've done

But memories won't go

No, memories won't go

I'd have sworn

That with time

Thoughts of you would leave my head

I was wrong

Now I find

Just one thing makes me forget

I lifted my Shiraz up to my lips, desperate to quell the sickening ache in my chest. Despite all my best efforts, I had never gotten over her. I still loved her strong and true, never mind how much I chastised myself for it. And why should I love her? She had betrayed me, and left without a word.

Still, I knew she deserved the chance to explain herself, though she had made little effort to do so so far. In less than forty-eight hours we would go to dinner, and hopefully resolve this once and for all. Whatever the outcome, at least I would have some way of closure.

Nerves tugged at my stomach as I wondered if she was feeling the same as I, right now. Did she long for me as I did her? But what was it I was really longing for? I loved her, but I did not know if I was quite ready to forgive and forget, just yet. I needed to hear what she had to say.

And in just two days, I would.