Warning: light gore and silliness.

Part II: Canon is History.

Chapter 5: Foot, meet mouth.

Figurative and literally; when I was a baby, I'd spit pacifiers and chew on my toes instead.

I can hear someone laughing. No, this is a perversion of amusement, a sick mockery of human life. That thing (I can't bring myself to call it human) has its grotesque features segregated by a glass helmet, too pretentious to breathe the same air we do (and I am secretly pleased–that way, they won't contaminate us with their rotten corruption.)

What drifts about the ocean of woods

Is a swaying little boat brimming with sorrow.

Along wandering souls,

A perfectly clear moment of silence.

The boat's skeletal frame is on fire. A single hat remains, untouched.

I grab for it.

…but when I finally reach the tip, my hands grasp at warmth.

plip plop plip plop

Something drips on my cheek.

plip plop plip–

Tangled strings ensnare my fingers and small drops of blood fall down.

The hat's on my head.

I look up.

plip plop plip plop splash

There, in front of me, is a body, tangled in wires.

The pool by the feet is as clear as a mirror.

The severed head in it looks up and grins at me, tipping the top hat with a severed hand, held by the strings.

"AAAH!"

"Dammit, my nose!"

'What…?'

Someone's holding my hand.

"Ace?"

He smiles gently (and his eyes are suspiciously red, but I don't comment on it). "Took you long enough."

"What happened?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. 'Tears? Why was I crying?'

He frowns, biting his lower lip (I have the urge to poke him on the nose). "You don't remember?"

Sitting up, I tilt my head, "Should I?"

"Sis, how much is five plus one?"

"Caipirinha?" I reply, scratching my head in confusion.

"Huh? What is tha–never mind." He shakes his head and commands, "Go back to sleep."

"'Kay."

"Urgh, my head…"

"So, I'd ask if you were better, but your complaining is proof enough you won't just keel over and die."

I looked up to find Ace grinning at me. There was a haunted quality to his eyes, though.

I made to sit up, but a hand quickly halted my attempt. "Don't move yet. You fainted and bumped your head pretty hard–the rock has an impression of your forehead now."

"…You're kidding, right?"

"Er, no. You actually cracked that stone over there." He pointed to a boulder with a big indent surrounded by small fissures in a spider web pattern. Ace's posture and tone of voice indicated he was telling the truth…

"Where's the boy?" I choked, wide eyes scanning my surroundings.

"Ah, the blond with the top hat?" Ace inquired. At my nod, he continued, "He's on the other side of the Ann Boulder."

"Ann Boulder?" I couldn't help but grin, "Has a nice ring to it… perfect! I have a geological formation named after me!"

Little bro burst into laughter.

"I was being serious," I pouted.

"...Ann, one boulder does not a geological formation make."

To my annoyance, another voice joined in the laughter.

The sun had already set, so the boy–Sabo–offered to let us sleep in his hideout. The trek there was short, but I was glad Ace had a good sense of direction, because that place was a maze. Actually, it was even worse; the shape was always changing as more garbage was thrown onto it, and the stench made focusing on anything else almost impossible.

Finally, we arrived at a shadowed corner, far from the concentrations of organic trash. Sabo looked around, making sure no one was around. Then, he moved a few boxes and motioned for us to follow him into an alcove, before closing it and lighting a small lantern. We walked through a tunnel, twisting in many directions (and I wouldn't know how to get out even if you gave me a map.) Then, he started knocking on random sections of the wall.

Thud thud thud tock

Sabo pushed a panel, revealing a small knob. He turned it, then counted five steps back and pushed a small door. He pulled the lever inside and bowed to us.

My astonished gaping was interrupted when something fell on my head. 'A rope?'

"Well, what are you waiting for? Climb it!" He exclaimed smugly.

The interior was surprisingly spacious and well lit. The furniture was well cared for. Right beside the bed, there was a desk with a few charts scattered on its dust-free surface; In the center, a table and some chairs. On our right, there was a large drawer and a couch.

"Wow." 'Brother, you took the words from my mouth.'

"Welcome to my humble abode," the noble bowed with a flourish.

Growl

'Way to go, stomach.'

"I take it you're hungry?"

I blushed and fidgeted, "We have food. Since you're letting us stay here, it's the least we could do."

He smiled, "That would be acceptable."

As he moved to retrieve some plates, Ace was already sorting our earlier acquisitions.

The dinner's silence was interrupted by Sabo. "You know my name, yet I do not know yours."

'Oh, right.' I rested my fork on the plate, wiped my mouth with a napkin and said, "Ah, how rude of me. My name is Ann."

Ace was about to open his mouth when I discreetly stepped on his foot. He looked briefly at me, but still swallowed before speaking, "I'm Ace." As an afterthought, he added, "Thanks for having us here." 'Oh, little bro, I'm so proud of you… sniff… you actually remembered to thank him!'

"Well, I couldn't leave you to fend for yourselves after this afternoon's incident, could I?" He looked at me, raised an eyebrow and smirked.

'Is he mocking me? Damn noble.'

I watched fondly as Ace kicked the blankets, snoring loudly. Sensing our host approaching, I turned to face him and motioned to the exit.

"So, how did you know my name?" Sabo asked, closing the shuttle behind him.

My heart beat quickened and I froze. "Pardon?"

"You sleep-talk." he eyed me suspiciously. "Have we ever met before?"

"I just know things," I blurted out before my brain could fabricate a believable story. At his questioning glance, I faltered. "Er, I never met you, but it feels as if I've known you forever?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I do hope that wasn't a... what do they call it, a pick-up line?"

Coming from a little kid, it was so cutely precocious I actually couldn't get angry at his jab. My lack of reaction made him raise his brow further.

Oooooh, what do I do? I can't control my sleep-talking, but if I could explain it away… think fast, Ann!

Okay. Just stare vacantly and say random stuff in a dreamy whisper. If all else fails, he'll just think you're nuts… which, come to think of it, is kind of true.

"I've dreamed of you." True enough. "You like maps…?" Well, the desk by his bed did have a few maps and charts. "Ah, navigating! Freedom? Black flag… pirate?" Pause, chew lower lip thoughtfully and ask, "Whoever heard of a pirate writer? You wish to document your travels? Such a wonderful dream!" Close your eyes and smile sweetly.

As I finished my impersonation of a mad seer, he was gaping comically, wide fish-like eyes and everything. 'Damn, just fall for that already! I was really into supernatural stuff at your age… even if I'm your age now.'

After a few minutes of silence, I grew impatient, donned my most innocent expression and leaned towards him, "Say, if you ever set sail, you'll need a doctor right?"

That seemed to break him out of his trance. "Er, yeah."

"Great! So it's settled! I can also cook and sew clothes and sails, and even people, in a pinch." I paused, thinking of all the experiments with leather from our hunts... and their resemblance with horror movies afterwards. "Although I'd like to get some more experience and a better guide before doing it on people I actually like, hehe!"

Sabo shot me a midly horrified gaze.

"Acey is an excellent hunter, scavenger and general badass." I mimicked his fighting stance." As an afterthought, I added, "And if we're in danger, just use him as bait, he doesn't mind. Much."

"Uh, what?"

I impulsively grabbed his hand before he could run, and led us back in his hideout. Stepping over Ace's head, I pushed Sabo onto his bed. Before he could open his mouth to protest, I covered his head with a blanket, uttered a quick 'good night', turned the lamp off (how did he have electricity there, anyway?) and plopped down on the couch.

Well done, Ann. You messed up big time. Mad seer, really?

Aw, shut up. I doubt you could come up with a better excuse on the spot.

You do realize you're talking to yourself, right?

Ignoring the voice in my head, I buried my face in the blanket I had stolen from Ace and mumbled, "Maybe I can convince him it was all a dream?"

Are you an idiot?

Shut up, voice.

Foot, meet mouth end_

Bonus: Umi wo Meguru Otoko

The title was a parody, but I may have made a ridiculously obscure reference... so, it was renamed as "Ace Ace Revolution" and is now a multi-chaptered fic. (AO3 story ID: /works/1300309)

Ace: Huh, so this is Heaven. *looks around*

Receptionist who looks suspiciously like a certain blonde secretary: Welcome to Heaven, mister Portgas. You have killed many people and spread chaos wherever you went. *reads report* You should have spent twenty years in Purgatory before ascending… however, you sacrificed your life for the Chosen One—

Ace: Wait, Luffy is some kind of messiah?

Receptionist: Correct. He's already saved thousands of lives and rid the world of many evils. His destiny is to become the Pirate King and usher a new era of prosperity for the world.

Ace: Huh?

Receptionist: That or trigger the Apocalypse, whichever comes first.

Ace: HUH?

-later…-

Ace: *wriggles uncomfortably* Gah, I hate shirts.

Receptionist: Please keep your clothes on, mister Portgas. No indecent exposure is allowed in Heaven.

Ace: I'm not gonna parade in my birth suit or anything. But this shirt is suffocating.

Receptionist: That's sexual harassment.

Ace: No, it isn't! *grumbles* As if the fluffy wings and weird antennae weren't enough… and where's my hat?

Receptionist: The design was considered offensive, so we left it in Purgatory.

Roger: SON! *tackles*

Ace: Geroff! *looks up*

Roger: *wide smile*

Ace: *points* What about this thing? It's a lot more offensive than my hat.

Roger: (thing…?) OTL

Receptionist: It's not orange.

Roger: (…it?) orz

Rouge: Now now, dear… he didn't mean it. *hugs*

Ace: The hell I didn't mean! You— *double takes* Mom?

Rouge: Hello, Ace. I wasn't expecting you so soon. I died so you'd live a happy life and populate the world with Portgas children. *smiles* What. Are. You. Doing. Here?

Ace: *shivers* Er… gotta go, bye bye! *runs away*

Roger: Not even one bastard? At your age, I had at least twenty children scattered around the worl—

Rouge: Dear. What did you say?

Roger: Er, gotta go bye bye? *runs*

Receptionist: …

Ace: *pant* What was that place…? It couldn't be Heaven if that man was there. Hey, that's my hat! *removes shirt and puts hat on* Whew! Now, where to? After 'Heaven', I'll take my chances in Hell. At least it's warm in there.

-bonus end-

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or 'Ta ga Tame no Sekai' (The World for Someone's Sake). Oh, and the song Ann butchered in chapter 3 is Karma, by Bump of Chicken. As some may have noticed, a fan of the "Tales of" series.

Thanks for reading~~