First of all: Thank you all so, so, so much for all the fantastic feedback you've been giving me. It really does make my day/week/year so keep it coming!
Sorry this took so long, I've been hella busy and it was quite hard to write (as you'll probs understand when you read it). Nearly finished now! Two chapters to go! (Though I'll probably do an epilogue)
Shout out to Liadan without whom this story would probs have been abandoned months ago
Also happy berena day! One year since our faves were first on screen together!
(P.S. the Avril song isn't featured in the chapter but I wanted to include it bc I had it on repeat writing the last scene and would have put it in the chapter if I could)
Enjoy!
Missing Track: Into You - Ariana Grande
Missing Track: What We Started (feat. BullySongs) - Don Diablo, Steve Aoki & Lush & Simon
Missing Track: Give You What You Like - Avril Lavigne
Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one…
My cool fingertips rested gently on the inside of my wrist, counting as my heart pounded in my chest. Pulse 103. Mild tachycardia. Hardly surprising really…
I closed my eyes, leaning back and taking a steadying breath. I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins, the urge to run, but I can't, not now. I've been running for the past five months. Not anymore.
The taxi hit a speed-bump, and my eyes flashed open. Town looks busy tonight. Already, revellers are filling the streets, spilling out of bars and restaurants, and all looking more than a little bit worse for wear, too. I took a deep breath. Maybe I should have had a drink before I came out, calmed the nerves. Too late now. I lifted my phone up to check the time. 11:03pm. More or less perfect timing. After sending one final text to Jason, I hastily switched it off, discarding it in the bottom of my bag. Tonight, there can be no distractions.
"Whereabouts d'you want dropping, love?" The driver asked, his voice muffled slightly by the plastic screen between us.
"Anywhere here will do," I replied, leaning forward and fishing around in my purse for the fare. Eventually, with trembling fingers I managed to hand it over to him, and quickly exited the cab.
The street was packed. I must have chosen the busiest Saturday of the summer, I thought, before suddenly remembering that it was payday weekend and so naturally everyone would be out now. My breathing was shallow and uneven, and I took a moment to steel myself, to take in my surroundings.
I couldn't remember the last time I visited this side of the city. It must be over two years ago, when the staff and I had taken Ric to a little Thai place round the corner for his sixtieth birthday. This street is one of the busiest for nightlife in Holby, with both sides lined with popular bars and restaurants. Not a single one remains, however, from 1983. I sighed as my mind pictured it, as it was: the neon lighting, the tacky interior decor, the groups of lads standing outside with matching Paul Young haircuts. The good old days, some might say. I don't know if I quite agree.
Somewhat unsteadily, I began to make my way down the street, concentrating on my breaths as my chest pounded on. My heart twinged as I walked past the bus stop - our bus stop - at which we waited every Sunday morning for the first ride home, exhausted with dark circles under our eyes and hair sticking out on end, yet somehow simultaneously feeling on top of the world. I remembered how we used to bump into one another, as we stood, purposefully teasing each other with the contact and seeing who would be the one to keep a straight face. She always won. She would brush her fingertips across my own, across my hip, across my waist, her arm snaking around me before quickly retreating as though nothing had happened. Sometimes, she would whisper in my ear, her hot breaths tickling my ear and making me squirm as she told me of all the things she wished she could do to me, right there and then, at the bus stop. Even now recalling it, I felt a blush creeping into my cheeks, a small smirk tugging at the corners of my lips. I moved hastily on.
It took me five more minutes to get to my destination with the volume of people around and waiting for traffic lights, and when I arrived outside, I didn't know if I could go any further. My eyes flitted to the side of the club, heat rising in my neck and my stomach flipping as I remembered us around there, thirty-three years ago. It's not called 'Starlight' any more, I noticed. 'The Darkroom'. I raised my eyebrows skeptically.
Can I really do this?
How easy it would be, right now, to just turn around and leave, to go home and go to bed and forget for a moment that she ever existed. But I didn't want to do that, not really. I wanted her. I loved her. I knew that this was what I had to do. Had she even gotten the message, though? It occurred to me that I may have been slightly too cryptic in my signals. Still, if she were inside, then… I need to make things right. This needs resolving. Now.
The bouncers eyed me skeptically as I made my way inside, no doubt thinking what on earth I was doing in a nightclub at my age. I'd forgotten quite how grimy these places were; I felt dirty already, before I was even in the main room. The floor was disgusting and my feet stuck to it with each step. Did it really used to be like this, or had I just forgotten that minor detail? Or had I simply been purely too drunk whenever I was here to notice? The latter was probably more true.
And then I was inside. The music was deafening, a song I hadn't heard before.
Tell me what you came here for?
'Cause I can't, I can't wait no more
I'm on the edge with no control
And I need, I need you to know,
You to know, oh
Did it really used to be this loud? The night is young, but already the room is packed. I looked around, remembering it how it used to be. There are less tables now, removed in favour of a few compact booths around the edges of the room, so there was more space for people to dance. The brightly coloured flashing disco-lights had been removed, unsurprisingly, replaced by lasers and UV lights. The glitter-ball remained, though, suspended on the high ceiling. I wondered briefly if it was the same one. Unlikely.
As I made my way over to the bar, I couldn't help but see us, on the dancefloor, all those years ago. I envisioned us within the crowd, our eyes never leaving one another's, foreheads creased with restraint as we teased one another, fought to keep our hands to ourselves until one of us buckled and dragged the other around the corner to the hotel. I felt that pounding in my heart again. I missed it; I missed her. I missed her touch and her scent and her smile and her heart. And I was determined to get it back.
Eventually I managed to elbow my way to the front of the bar. It was poorly staffed for a Saturday night, with only three young girls serving, so I anticipated a long wait. My shoulders tensed and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, knowing that she might be in this room, right now. Casually, I looked around at the bustling crowd, scanning the faces. Nothing. What if she hadn't gotten the message? What if she didn't want to see me? My fingertips drummed on the countertop.
A shot of tequila, lime wedge balanced carefully on the rim of the glass, appeared in front of me.
Remember when we were young
Breaking every rule they made
I'll never change what we've done
It made us who we are today
I turned to the side, to the hand that had placed it there, delicate, delicious fingertips that I would recognise anywhere, and suddenly all the breath was gone from my lungs and I couldn't speak, only beam at her in relief as she smiled at me nervously.
"I was beginning to think you we're having me on," she shouted over the music. I blushed, looking down at my feet.
"Of course not," I replied, shaking my head, before looking back up to meet her eyes. I felt that there was something I ought to add, but whatever it was, I didn't know. I was at a complete loss for words. My palms were sweaty, my heart racing, my knees weak. Just having her here, this close, after all this time, seemed too much for my mind to process. The volume of the crowd meant that she was stood only inches apart from me, and one false move and our bodies would collide, press flush against one another. Could I really cope with that?
I takin' every chance I get
To make us who you won't forget
Who we are, who we are
Her eyes softened, and she placed a reassuring hand on my arm. Sparks shot through me at her touch, dizzying. "Drink up." Her head jerked in the direction of the shot pointedly. I nodded, forgoing the salt and deciding instead to simply take it down, quickly biting the lime to distract from the awful taste. Was it always that bad? "They don't do Shiraz anymore," she explained, gesturing over to a free server. "So I didn't know what to get."
I shook my head, my eyes screwed up from the taste. "I'll get a gin and tonic," I decided, telling the barmaid and then gesturing for Bernie to do the same, though she opted for straight whiskey instead.
The atmosphere between us was thick. There was an elephant in the room and we both knew it, but… I was just so happy that she was here. My heart fluttered in my chest. I missed her so much. I smiled at her again, and she smiled back, her cheeks slightly reddened, her eyes soft and warm, the curls that I loved so much framing her face beautifully. She was an angel, in my eyes, and I just…
This is what we started
This is what we started
I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers. I was entranced, spellbound. We were stood so close that I could feel the heat of her, though we weren't quite touching, and smell the Black Opium on her clothes. Goosebumps raised on my skin at the anticipation of her touch, at the thought of her pressed against me, her lips on that ever so sensitive spot just behind my ear. Anticipation. That's what I felt. My eyes flitted to her lips, rouged and inviting. I knew that we needed to talk, though. That's why we're here, first and foremost, I reminded myself, appealing to my rational mind.
They can't hold us down
They'll never be, never be
Never be, never be us
But I never did quite seem capable of rational thought, when it came to her.
I grabbed her by the arms, and, for the first time in thirty-three years, pressed my lips to hers.
It was gentle, for a few moments. Almost shy. Both of us were tense, after all that we had been through, but soon my hands came up to cup her face, my body pressing flush against her as I familiarised myself with her mouth once more, unable to stop myself from grinning into the kiss as my stomach did somersaults and the tension dropped from my shoulders, replaced only by desire.
She was every bit as delicious as I remembered. Her lips were soft, her hands firm on my hips as we tasted one another. I grazed my teeth across her bottom lip, pulling on it slightly before diving back in, my hands moving to the back of her neck as the kiss deepened, hunger taking over, biting and fierce.
And then I could barely breathe, my head spinning as I lost myself in her, but I didn't care. The building could be burning around us and still I would be unable to tear myself away. Her hands moved up from their place on my hips to my waist, fingertips dragging across sensitive skin through my jacket and I whimpered as I felt my body responding, my fingers tightening on her neck, my kisses hot and desperate, fingers knotting in her hair and hips bumping against hers as I devoured her.
I don't know how long we stood there, at the bar, hungrily biting and sucking at one another's mouths until our cheeks burned scarlet and our lungs screamed for air, but when we broke apart we found that the barmaid had given up and gone to serve someone else, and the crowd around us was thickening.
This is what we started
It's everything that we ever wanted
She rested her forehead against mine, eyelids fluttering in exhilaration, breaths quick and sharp. "I've been wanting to do that for thirty years," she panted, her voice light with joy. I grinned back.
"I'll second that." I dived in for another kiss, open-mouthed and greedy. She moaned softly as my tongue slipped into her mouth, a sound that went straight between my legs, and suddenly I was on autopilot, grabbing her wrist tightly.
"Let's get out of here," I murmured against her lips, and before she had time to reply I was dragging her through the crowds, my knees shaky and my stomach alive with butterflies.
I knew what I wanted, what I needed, and I was going to get it.
"Serena—"
I cut off her words with another bruising kiss, my chest heaving with restraint at not ripping her clothes off here and now. I brushed my hand across her waist and felt her melting into my touch, heard the sharp intake of breath between our kisses, and knew that she wanted it too, that she like I was barely restraining herself.
"Come on," I murmured, breaking the contact of our lips and threading my fingers through hers with a smile. She nodded, her eyes shining, her thumb brushing gently over my knuckles, before allowing me to pull her with me down the street.
Our old hotel wasn't there any longer. Unsurprisingly, it had been closed down by health and safety inspectors years ago, so instead I opted for a slightly more up-market Travelodge just three buildings down from Starlight, or 'The Darkroom' as it now was. She stood behind me as I booked us in, relieved when they said that they had a room, despite the busy weekend, and when I was handed our keycard my fingers were trembling, my pulse thundering loud in my ears and making me feel slightly disorientated as I realised that this was happening, I was here, I was doing this.
The lift ride was tense, neither of us daring to look at one another for fear we wouldn't make it to the hotel room in time. I could hear her shallow breaths, though, and that only intensified the anticipation and arousal that I felt, knowing that she too felt that aching in her groin, seeing her shift awkwardly from one foot to the other out of the corner of my eye.
"Third floor."
We came to a halt, and it took us both a moment to compose ourselves enough to step out of the lift. As we did, our arms brushed, and I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to hold back a moan as my body reacted to her touch. I blinked hard, looking lost. Room 318. I saw the arrows pointing down the corridor to the left of us, and hurried down it, Bernie following close behind.
Eventually, we arrived at our door. I fumbled with the keycard, my hands trembling as I tried to slot it into place. Gently, she placed her hand over mine, guiding it to the card slot. My knees almost gave way beneath me. Her hands were as soft and warm as I had always remembered them, her fingers delicate and her nails neatly manicured and cropped short.
The door clicked open.
She stood back, her hand leaving mine as she gestured for me to lead the way into the darkened room. I did so, my steps unsteady as I tossed my handbag on the floor just inside. The door fell closed behind us, and I gasped as I felt her hand on my back through my jacket, softly brushing along my spine as her other arm creeped around my waist and her lips fell on the base of my neck. I shuddered, leaning back as she moulded her body to mine, her hot breaths tickling as she ran her tongue along the line of my neck, up to her back on my ear, before nipping gently at my earlobe, small hums of pleasure escaping her lips as she did so, her hips pressing insistently against my behind.
"Bernie…" I breathed, my hand covering hers on my abdomen, interlinking our fingers. Her other hand was firm on my waist, leverage to help manoeuvre us towards the bed in the centre of the room, her lips still pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses to my neck and causing goosebumps to rise on my skin.
"I can't believe… I haven't told you… since I got back… how absolutely… breathtakingly… beautiful you are," she whispered in between kisses. "I'm sorry… I'm so, so sorry I didn't tell you. You are so beautiful, Serena Campbell." Her hand left my waist to flick on the bedside lamp; I quickly switched it off again. Somehow, having it on didn't feel right.
I arched my back, grinding my arse against her hips and smirking at her sharp intake of breath. "I could say the same thing to you, soldier," I replied, my voice sounding infinitely more composed than I felt. My legs were barely holding me up, my chest tight and mind racing too fast for me to make out. All I could feel was her, pressed behind me, and the borderline painful arousal between my thighs.
I turned, my palms running smooth up her arms over her jacket, squeezing firm biceps before lifting up to her collar whilst peppering light kisses along the line of her jaw to her lips. We stood there, like that, for several more moments, only the sounds of our heavy breaths and our lips moving together filling the room. I pushed the jacket off her shoulders, hearing it land with a soft thud as my hands tugged at her blouse where it was tucked into her tight jeans, needing to feel her skin beneath my fingertips once more. She let out a little gasp, biting my bottom lip as she pushed into my touch, her kisses becoming deeper and more heated as she mirrored my movements, quickly ridding me of my coat before fumbling with the buttons at the top of my blouse. I shivered as her cool fingers brushed the line of my collarbone, my head spinning with the intensity of my arousal and my racing heart, and realised that I needed to sit down.
Turning her around, I pushed her down so that she was perched on the edge of the bed before moving forward to straddle her, moaning slightly as I rolled my hips against hers. I heard her chuckle, her lips leaving mine in favour of running the tip of her tongue along my newly exposed collarbone. My hands ran through her head, listening to her soft breaths of approval as I tugged slightly on her curls the way I used to, back in 1983. It was every bit as soft and perfect as it had been back then, and I felt emotion rising in my throat at the memory before quickly swallowing it back, fisting my hands tighter as she brushed her lips over the fabric of my bra over my blouse, causing me to roll my hips just that little bit harder.
"Eager," she commented with a smirk, fumbling with the buttons of my blouse and pushing it over my shoulders. I shivered as the cool air hit my bare back, hips now rolling at a regular pace.
"Well…" I breathed, gasping as she pulled down the cup of my bra and took a nipple into her mouth, swirling around it with her tongue before sucking lightly. "Mmm… keep doing that." I held her head in place as I arched into her, her little hums of delight sending a tingle down my spine. I moaned in protest as I felt my nipple go cold as it left her mouth with a pop, but soon she was uncovering my other breast and repeating her action, my breaths coming sharper and sharper as I rutted against her.
"Get back on the bed," I managed to pant out eventually, lifting myself shakily off her just enough to allow her to scoot back before climbing over her, my lips crashing down on hers with ravenous hunger as I made quick work of unbuttoning her blouse, tossing it aside along with her bra and my own. Our kisses slowed for a few moments as I pressed myself flush against her, both relishing the skin on skin contact, the feeling of our hearts beating against one another. I love you, I wanted to say; I couldn't. My hand moved to cup her breast, re-familiarising myself, remembering how it used to feel. Both of our bodies had changed with age and hardship and motherhood, all the moments of one another's lives that we had missed. But by God… was there ever a woman more beautiful?
I leaned up on my elbows, breaking the kiss to gaze down at her in the dim light that spilled through the open curtains at the other end of the room. Her eyes were heavy and darkened with arousal, her lips swollen from the force of our kisses, her cheeks flushed. I took a moment to take her in, all the new lines on her face, around her eyes. The small scar on her hairline from a piece of shrapnel in the explosion, the sun damage on her cheeks, a few extra freckles that hadn't been there in her youth, all so beautiful. I felt myself welling up again, so quickly moved to place a gentle kiss on the corner of her jaw, moving down her neck, over another scar left by the explosion, across her collarbone, down her sternum. A scar I hadn't seen before, in an uneven line down the centre of her chest, still raised and hard despite the time since the surgery. She noticed I had stopped and took a deep breath.
"It's a strange feeling," she joked, her fingers lifting to gently stroke through my hair. "Looking in the mirror every morning and being reminded that Ollie Valentine's had your heart in his hands. And he didn't even buy me dinner first!" She chuckled nervously.
"Is it sore?" I asked tentatively, refraining from brushing my lips over it just yet. The scar looked as if it had turned keloid, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.
"It's sensitive," she answered slowly, winding a strand of my hair around her finger. "But I wouldn't quite call it sore." She shuddered. "I hate it." Her voice had tightened slightly, her hand stilling, and I swallowed hard, placing an ever so light kiss at the point where the tissue started to raise. She trembled beneath my lips as I spoke.
"It's beautiful," I whispered, my eyes stinging. "You're beautiful." I ran a hand up her side, feeling the smooth skin, interrupted by the occasional scar or mole. "More beautiful that I can comprehend. You always were." I heard her let out a ragged breath, and reached to interlink my fingers with hers, her other still resting in my hair. Giving her hand a reassuring squeeze, I placed another feather-light kiss in the centre of the scar, right over her heart, before turning my head to take a nipple in my mouth, grinning to myself as I heard her gasp and arch into me.
"Serena…" She moaned as I untangled my hand from hers, trailing my fingertips across the front of her jeans and causing her to buck her hips. I moved to her other nipple, humming and murmuring how good she felt in my mouth, my fingers pressing more insistently at her centre as her hand tightened in my hair and her breaths became more shallow.
"God… Serena…" I grazed my teeth over her nipple, sucking hard as I fumbled with the button on her jeans. She writhed beneath me, twisting her body and as my eyes flitted open I spotted something on her side, my breath leaving me as I stopped my movements, gently turning her as my hand ran smooth across the skin of her ribs.
"You kept it," I whispered, fingering the emblem etched into her skin, the small 'S' below it. It was much more faded now, as mine was, and one of the edges broken by another shrapnel scar. I felt her sigh, her hand moving to cup my cheek.
"Of course I did," she replied, brushing my lip with the pad of her thumb. "Of course." She tilted my chin so that I was looking her in the eye, her wide pupils glinting in the streetlight that spilled through the window. "I have never wanted to forget you, Serena, not ever. Get over you, yes, but never forget." Her voice dropped to a whisper on the last word, and suddenly we were wearing too many clothes. I needed to feel her, all of her, feel her warmth beneath me, feel that she was alive and breathing and here, needed that comfort, that reassurance. She lifted her hips with a soft sigh as I tugged her jeans down her long legs, followed quickly by her underwear before swiftly removing my own, both of us completely bare in the dim moonlight.
Placing one knee between hers, I steadily lowered myself down, both of us letting out a shaky breath as we felt our hot arousal against one another's thighs. I stayed still for a moment, my lips finding hers once more, kissing her softly and tenderly, savouring her, before beginning to roll my hips, grinding my thigh against her wet centre.
She whimpered against my mouth, matching each buck of my hips, one hand tight on my arse, moving me against her. I reached between us, moaning as my fingers found her dripping wet and open for me. I curved two fingers inside her, leaning back to watch her face as her breath caught in her throat and her back arched.
"So beautiful," I murmured, leaning back down to place a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth, along her jawline until my lips brushed her ear.
"I've missed you so much," I breathed. She let out an uneven sigh, looking at me tearfully as my hand continued to move between us.
"I've missed you too," she repeated, trembling fingers coming up to rest on my cheek. For a few moments the world seemed to stop as we gazed at one another, eyes watery, lips twisted into a relived smile. The burst of love that I felt deep in my stomach was so strong that it was almost nauseating. I leant down again, brushing my lips over hers before pumping my fingers harder in and out of her. She groaned, her chest heaving and hips bucking into my touch. Her hand left my cheek, her fingers dragging a shaky line down my body until they met my throbbing arousal.
"Bernie" was all I could moan as she circled my clit, spreading my wetness until I was slick all over. I rocked my hips against her hand, gasping as she pushed a delicate finger into me, then two.
"I want us to come at the same time," she murmured, hooking her fingers round and making my whole body tremble. She always was so good at that.
It doesn't take long until we are both lost, Bernie panting and shivering beneath me, her legs spread wide as I fuck her whilst riding her fingers, my head thrown back in ecstacy. Neither of us can speak, just gasp and moan and whimper and sob as we build each other up, feel ourselves bleeding into one, exposed and wanton and so completely, rawly human, shameless and free and alive.
"God… Serena, I… are you…?" Her words were incoherent, but I knew what she meant. I rocked my hips faster, my fingers thrusting hard her as I felt her begin to contract, felt my own orgasm building too, more and more until I was ready to expose.
And then she came, hard and with a gush that coated my entire hand and the sensation of it, the sound of her breath hitching and her moans reaching fever pitch was all I needed to push me over the edge too, hips bucking blindly and voice hoarse as I gasped her name over and over.
"Bernie," I whispered eventually, breathless, having flopped down beside her, our legs intertwined, our arms wrapped around one another so tight it was barely comfortable. "Bernie…" I wanted to say something else, but words failed me. All I could think about was her, here in my arms, sticky with the aftermath of her orgasm and kissing my neck, my hairline, my cheeks, my lips. Everything felt so right, so perfect, as if the world had been set to rights, and everything had finally fallen into place…
::
I woke up the following morning with a smile, last night's events flashing through my mind, my heart skipping as I felt her warm skin beneath my fingertips as she slept beside me. She had always been a heavier sleeper than I, and I took a moment to simply gaze at her, my fingers ghosting over her cheek as I did so. She always looked so different when she slept. When she was awake, she always had some element of trouble on her features, as though she were constantly trying to solve a very intricate puzzle, but whilst she slept, everything just melted away. All the lines, the troubles, the strain, all left, and she just looked so…
Youthful. She looked youthful, angelic, innocent. Like she hadn't aged a day…
And for some reason then my stomach dropped. I gazed at her sleeping form and I didn't see Bernie Wolfe, trauma surgeon, mother, ex army medic. No, I saw Berenice Wolfe, rugby captain, straight-A student, the love of my life. Were they two different people? How would I know? We hadn't talked about anything, hadn't worked through our problems, hadn't allowed one another to process what had happened, we had just… dived in, just as we had that very first night we had kissed around the back of the nightclub. No reservations, no planning, no consideration, just…
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
My elation at having her back was quickly replaced with horror as I feel it, feel history repeating itself. I didn't want to be like that, didn't want us to be like that. I wanted us to be better, to work through all that had happened and come out of it stronger. And now… could we do that? Have we moved too fast for that?
I panicked.
Guilt churning in the pit of my stomach and tears stinging in my eyes, I hastily disentangled myself from her, threw on my clothes, and left.
(dont hate me plz)
Let me know what you thought!