CHAPTER 14:
HOW CAN WE HELP HAGRID?
GLaDOS contemplated the problem that Harry had posed her. If she was in her gynoid body, she'd certainly be frowning. He was communicating with her using the video-conferencing device built into the laptop he had brought to Hogwarts, using a disused classroom for privacy. "I am honestly not sure what to do about this yet, Harry," GLaDOS intoned in her lilting voice. "While I have been building a dragon enclosure in anticipation of receiving one, it is as yet incomplete, and smuggling it to Aperture may be something of an effort. However, I am in contact with Charlie Weasley in Romania. He's even assented to using a mobile phone shielded against magic. So I can call him up and explain the situation."
"Thanks, but I'm a little worried about Hagrid. He seems too fixated on his dragon. Taking it away from him may be a problem."
"Sadly, I think your best course of action may be to contact Dumbledore," GLaDOS said. "As much as I detest following authority figures when there's science to be done, the truth is, it is only thanks to Dumbledore that Hagrid still has employment at Hogwarts. I asked Dumbledore and Snape about Hagrid out of curiosity. Apparently he was expelled from Hogwarts over some scandal about fifty years ago, with his wand snapped. Dumbledore even confessed to me that he is half-giant. The human race is full of the prejudiced, and the magical world even more so. Dumbledore is not only in a position of authority, but he understands discretion. Not only that, but he can talk with Hagrid discreetly. Dumbledore is, after all, someone Hagrid looks up to, and Hagrid would listen to him about the issues involved in raising a dragon. You can also ask him for any perspectives on the law regarding raising dragons: many laws have exceptions and loopholes that can be exploited, and while your friend Hermione is an excellent researcher, Dumbledore has experience, being in charge of the Wizengamot. Speaking of Hermione, how did she enjoy the diving expedition?"
"Great! Transitioning between breathing air and breathing liquid, and vice versa, weren't pleasant, but she loved it! By the way GLaDOS, did you do that research into Nicholas Flamel and the Philosopher's Stone?"
"I've done as much as I can given my limited sources, especially in the wizarding world. They're real historical figures, the Flamels, though it is only in wizarding texts that state them to be still alive with any real authority," GLaDOS said. "His real location in the world is a closely-guarded secret, and I wouldn't be surprised if claims he lives in Devon are misdirection to prevent anyone from pestering him about the Stone(1). I hope to engage in correspondence with him anyway. The chrysopeian(2) abilities of the Stone do not interest me, but the Elixir of Life is another matter entirely. Of course, alchemists of yore were infamous for their deliberate obscurity. They were afraid of having their secrets stolen, and did not give a damn for peer review."
"The irony being that one of the most famous alchemists of all time was Isaac Newton, who was a nasty sort anyway. I mean, look at what he did to Hooke, Flamsteed, and Leibniz," Harry said. "I mean, I've read about that before, but that book Hermione gave me for Christmas was brilliant(3). I wonder if Flamel and Newton ever corresponded?"
"If I succeed in corresponding with him, I will ask him," GLaDOS said. "I'd suggest treading carefully, Harry. The Stone is at Hogwarts for a reason, and it'd be a dangerous reason. And I would prefer my great-nephew and favourite test subject to make it back here alive."
"Okay. Talk to you later, GLaDOS. I won't keep you from your important work any longer." With that, the video feed disappeared from the wall, and GLaDOS looked down at the gathered subjects of this latest experiment.
"Are you ready?" GLaDOS asked the Turret Choir. After receiving affirmatives, she sang some scales to warm up her voice (or at least test the synthesiser for bugs), before she cleared her throat. "Now, remember, we're getting it right this time, because Android Hell is very real, and I will be sending a random member of you there if you do not perform to expectations. It's a challenging song, I know, but if humans can sing it, you can too. Now, on three. One, two, three…"
After a moment, the Turret Choir, accompanied by GLaDOS, began singing.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality…
Dumbledore frowned as he listened to what Harry had to tell him. After some time, Dumbledore sighed quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Poor Hagrid," he murmured. "I would trust him with my life, but sadly, he has a rather skewed view of danger, one which makes him both a delight and a trial to deal with. I know this will break his heart. Sadly, there aren't any clauses in the Hogwarts Charter that I can think of that will allow him to keep the dragon on the grounds, even for educational purposes. And the laws are quite clear. I believe contacting Charlie Weasley is our best option."
"It'll break his heart," Harry muttered. "I don't want to do this, but…"
"I understand, Harry. Rest assured, I will use the utmost discretion, and Hagrid won't get in trouble if I can help it. The thing I am most worried about is who sold Hagrid the egg. After all, the odds are slim that someone would just happen to have a dragon's egg and hand it over to the one man in this area who'd want to raise a dragon more than any other," Dumbledore said.
Harry debated with himself as to whether to admit that he knew about the Stone. Then again, he did find out by accident, when Hagrid let things slip. Eventually, he said, "I don't think this is a coincidence, Professor. Some time ago, he let slip about his Cerberus guarding something. Something made by a man called Nicholas Flamel. I'm guessing it may be the Philosopher's Stone. Am I right?"
Dumbledore peered at Harry, before saying, "I can see why you and Miss Granger are in Ravenclaw. Obviously, this isn't something I want advertised. Nicholas and Perenelle are very old friends of mine. They taught me almost everything I know about alchemy. Harry, while I am sure that I cannot stop you from being curious, I must admonish you to have some caution. People would kill to obtain the Stone."
"Do you think that man who gave Hagrid the dragon egg might have winkled information out of him?" Harry asked.
"Hagrid is loyal, Harry, but as you yourself have proven, he sometimes can be indiscreet," Dumbledore said. "If the dragon egg man had gotten Hagrid into conversation, he may have asked about Fluffy obliquely. Harry, I must ask you something. Aside from remaining cautious, I want you to keep an eye out. If you see anything suspicious, bring it to my attention, or Professor Flitwick. Or, for that matter, any of the other House Heads. I trust them."
Which means, Harry thought, that he definitely trusts Snape. "Thank you, Professor. Is there any news about Sirius?"
"Yes, actually. I have received news from St Mungo's that he will be released tomorrow. He's looking to see what he can salvage from his ancestral home. I believe he intends to take your great-aunt up on her offer of work at Aperture Science. And to be fair, I will feel a lot better knowing that he is there for you at Aperture. Your great-aunt, frankly, gives me considerable cause for disquiet, especially given her current experimentation on Peter Pettigrew."
Harry nodded. "She does that. My great-aunt's a good person in the end, Professor. But Pettigrew betrayed her niece, and my mother, not to mention my father. He left my godfather to rot in Azkaban, and he's been sleeping in the same bed as underaged children. To forgive is divine, but contrary to what a lot of Magical Britain thinks, I am not a god." After a moment's pause, during which Harry reached over and took a lemon sherbet out of the bowl, he reflected, "Unless there's a god for mad scientists. Have they deified Nikola Tesla yet?"
Dumbledore, who was currently partaking of his own lemon sherbet at the time, spat the candy out in astonishment. Harry wiped away what had landed on him, and asked, "Oh, and I have one really big question I want you to ask Nicholas Flamel. It's something I'm curious about. Did he and Isaac Newton ever correspond? I mean, Newton did study alchemy, after all."
"No, or rather, never on good terms. In fact, Nicholas once talked to me about the rather…fractious relationship he had with Sir Isaac. They had met during the war Newton had with Leibniz over the creation of calculus. Flamel supported Leibniz wholeheartedly, and refused to share any notes about the Stone. In retaliation, Newton began spreading some of the first overt rumours in the Muggle world about Flamel having discovered the Stone, despite having sworn to secrecy. Newton, as you may know, was something of an egocentric, believing himself to be the sole true genius of his generation. And while he was doubtless one of the most brilliant men to have ever lived, he was also petulant, childish, and self-centred. I have seen many a genius fall prey to such selfishness. Even I haven't been immune."
Harry thought that a rather fascinating window into Flamel's long life and times. And it sounded like the sort of thing Newton would have done.
It was a bit anticlimactic, talking to Ron and Hermione, telling them about his request to Dumbledore. Ron seemed annoyed that Harry, of all people, had decided to go to the nearest authority, but Harry's argument won Ron over. Getting Dumbledore involved would ensure that things blew over with the least amount of trouble for all parties concerned, especially poor Hagrid.
Dumbledore and Ron arranged for Charlie Weasley to covertly pick up the dragon once it hatched. Hagrid, very reluctantly, conceded (once Dumbledore gently explained it to the half-giant) that it was a bad idea to raise a dragon in a wooden hut, though he wanted Charlie to send him pictures of Norbert regularly. Harry felt bad about that: it felt like he had killed an admittedly late Christmas for the good-natured giant man. So, to take Hagrid's mind off it, once Dumbledore left, he asked the Keeper of the Key's and Grounds what other animals he had had as pets.
That turned out to do the trick, as Hagrid was happy giving anecdotes about his various pets, though Ron had all but freaked out when Hagrid admitted he once had an Acromantula as a pet. Between Ron's arachnophobia and the fact that Acromantulas were huge bloody spiders, Harry could see why. Hagrid also mentioned some of his favourite animals that he kept for Hogwarts, though Harry had heard about the Thestrals and the Hippogriffs before. Hagrid even let slip something about Cerberuses: that if you played a decent tune for them, they'd go to sleep.
Harry filed away that information for later. Even so, he wondered whether Hagrid had let that slip to the man with the dragon egg. And if so, if that man was Quirrell, how soon before the man acted?
The next day, in a quiet corner of a pub not far from St Mungo's, two old friends were catching up. "First drink I've had in a bloody long time," Sirius Black muttered, sipping from it. "They didn't even let me touch butterbeer, even when I visited Hogwarts."
"How is he?" asked the prematurely-greying Remus Lupin. "Dumbledore told me some pretty…strange things. Is it true that he grew up in a Muggle lab in the care of an insane computer?"
"That's about the size of it. I've spoken to GLaDOS a few times. Remember, we met Caroline Evans once, at the wedding between James and Lily. She's changed quite a lot…but quite frankly, Harry's better off there than at the Dursleys. I'm glad that bitch Petunia foisted Harry onto Caroline. Apparently, without Harry, GLaDOS may have gone completely insane, lost her humanity entirely. And she invited me to go to Aperture. I've accepted. Hell, I'm considering using a good chunk of my family fortune to fund her research. Not that she needs it, but frankly, I can't think of any better 'screw you' to my family than to have their funds go to a Muggle organisation. I'm going to keep some aside for Harry and you. Actually, speaking of which, I got to talking about the Marauders with her, and when she heard about your…ailment, she suggested you come with me."
"Why did you bring that up, Padfoot?!" Remus demanded.
"Because Aperture seems to specialise in doing the impossible," Sirius responded. "They've made some sort of gun that can create portals on certain surfaces, these gel things that we would have used for pranks, and artificial intelligence. Seriously, they're decades ahead of everything else in the Muggle world, and you and I know that the Muggles are decades ahead of us in most regards. GLaDOS can't make any promises, but she wants to try and study your condition, Moony, try and figure out if she can cure it."
"And what does she get out of it?" Remus asked.
"She's a mad scientist, Moony. She'd jump at the chance to study…what you are. And unlike Peter, I think she'll be nice to you about it."
"Yes, Dumbledore told me what GLaDOS was doing to Peter," Remus said. "Dumbledore hates it, but I say good riddance. Padfoot, I'm sorry. I know I said that before in our letters, and when I first met you, but I'm so angry at myself for being fooled so easily."
"I know. I was angry at everyone. You, Dumbledore, but especially Peter. And myself for getting fooled so bloody easily. But I'm out now, Peter's getting his just deserts, and I can get on with the one thing left to me: helping raise Harry. So, you're going to come with me?"
Remus sighed quietly. "Yeah, sure. Why not? I mean, it's not like there's a plethora of jobs for people with my condition. I just hope I'm not going to regret it…"
CHAPTER 14 ANNOTATIONS:
Phew, this story is finally on the downhill run. I'll be wrapping it up by the twentieth chapter, by the latest. I hope. I want to get more stories wrapped up so I can start sequels to stories people have been requesting for a while.
Now, in case you're thinking Harry decided to go to an authority figure too quickly, it's not just my lazy writing. Harry is a smart cookie, and he realises that GLaDOS was right, that Dumbledore will help smooth things over for Hagrid's sake. We'll still have the bit with the unicorns, but instead of having Harry on detention, GLaDOS will be involved.
Sorry about the rant about Newton. While I respect his discoveries as a scientist, I personally reckon he was a petulant little dingus. And yes, he was actually an alchemist, believe it or not.
GLaDOS singing Bohemian Rhapsody was requested by a few readers. I hope the small sample in the chapter above sated your desires. As I'm on a bit of a Bowie kick at the moment, I'm considering having her sing The Man Who Sold The World or Life on Mars.
Finally, I'm hoping that with this post, Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?! will officially surpass Fall to Zenith in terms of views, and hopefully Sins of the Father. If it surpasses Sins of the Father, it will officially become my third most-viewed fic!
Review-answering time! For those of you who commented on Snape being 'nice', he's actually being nothing of the sort. He gave Harry a chance because he was put into Ravenclaw, and because he answered the questions, including information outside the scope of the text. Harry also asked Snape some pertinent questions, and Snape can respect the fact that Harry can ask intelligent questions. He's still a snide, bitter and twisted man, but he can have a relationship, of sorts, with Harry and Hermione, in that they're far from dunderheads or Gryffindors, but actually are interesting to teach.
MWkillkenny84: I've no idea. As much as that may solve part of the problem, it's not going to happen. However, I am considering what fitting end to cause to Quirrellmort.
blackops warfare: Probably not. I'm not as versed with the other 'Mind' series, so I can't help you there. Anyway, if there is another 'Mind' main character who will appear, it'll probably be Barney.
EmiyaXander: Not going to happen for the foreseeable future.
1. In The Best Revenge by the now sadly-deceased Arsinoe de Blassenville, Flamel confirms that he doesn't actually live in Devon, but rather prefers Paris and his chateau in Normandy. I thought this an interesting explanation. Give The Best Revenge and its sequel The Time of the Basilisk a go.
2. Chrysopeia meaning transmuting base metals into gold.
3. One of the best chapters in Rivals, the book I mentioned earlier, discusses the various disputes Newton had with other scientists.