CHAPTER 15:

ARE YOU SIRIUS?

It was thanks to a Portkey Dumbledore had created that Sirius and Remus were now walking down the corridors of Aperture Science. They were following a young woman clad in an orange jumpsuit, one who was introduced by that blue-eyed metal ball as Chell. Said blue-eyed metal ball, who reminded Sirius uncomfortably of Pettigrew, albeit more endearing than that traitor, was called Wheatley, and he was some sort of artificial intelligence. He did all the talking while he slid along a rail on the ceiling, as Chell, apparently, was mute. She could talk when she wanted to using a device like a rod she held to her neck, but for the moment, she didn't.

"…and that's how I got my pet lizard," Wheatley said, finishing an anecdote. "Of course, GLaDOS tells me that he's still a research specimen, but as long as I look after him, well, I don't care. Anyway, what's it like in that hellhole with the soul-sucking monsters?"

"Like Hell on Earth," Sirius said, annoyed at Wheatley. They had arrived at a large pair of doors, which were beginning to open.

"Oh, sorry, sorry about that. GLaDOS reckons I should get some tact software upgrades. But I dunno, it feels a bit easy getting a software update to fix a bit of personality. Besides, I wouldn't put it past her to slip some sort of program into the upgrade to hurt me for her amusement."

The by-now familiar lilting mechanical tone of GLaDOS spoke from behind the doors. "It wouldn't just be for my amusement, Wheatley," the AI remarked dryly, her massive mechanical body peering at them. "Besides, curing Foot-in-Mouth illness would be a most laudable goal for me to achieve. Go and play with your lizard…damnation. I need to work out a way to create software designed to curb accidental innuendo. I am raising a child, after all. Wheatley, just go."

Wheatley skittered away as quickly as his rail would allow. Sirius and Remus, meanwhile, were looking up at GLaDOS' main body. Sirius whistled, impressed. "I've seen that golem body of yours before, but…well, is this your actual body?"

"This is the structure that houses my central processing unit, my brain if you will," GLaDOS replied. "The gynoid body, the 'golem body' as you put it, was an experiment I used to help foster a stronger emotional connection with Harry. That, and, frankly, I miss having a mobile body. I miss having legs and arms. Cave Johnson was a good man, but he had odd ideas of making sure that I was in charge of Aperture in perpetuity. You seem remarkably unfazed by this, Sirius Black. I know you have known of my true nature for some time, but I was under the impression that most wizards would be denying this possibility, or else looking for a way to kill me. Then again, so too would most non-magicals."

"I was the black sheep of the Black family. Well, the white sheep," Sirius said. "I've known quite a bit about the Muggle world, especially thanks to Lily. Hell, I even enchanted a motorbike so it could fly. I think Hagrid might still have it."

"And what of you, Remus Lupin? I can tell you are in awe, but you are coping better than I expected."

"I had to find work in the Muggle world. Given my condition, I find it hard to get steady employment, especially in Magical Britain. I'm aware of computers, as well as what an artificial intelligence is meant to be. Anyway, awe's not what I'm feeling."

"My mistake. I have a slight glitch in my emotional recognition circuits. I think I've been talking to Wheatley for too damned long. You're afraid. Fear is a perfectly understandable response. It only shows that you are sane. Or a nervous wreck. Either way is fine. I would bring my gynoid proxy body in to talk to you, but I finally managed to give certain features of it a field test with Doctor Freeman. It wasn't an unqualified success, but I can fine-tune those things, and Doctor Freeman has just awoken from his brief but deep coma."

"How did he get put into a coma?" Remus asked, and almost immediately regretted it when GLaDOS told him, in lurid detail. "…I didn't even know that was possible," he said quietly. Sirius nodded, though he took notes. He wanted to try a few of those things out in the bedroom.

"Neither did I, but science is about pushing boundaries, even carnal ones, though there are lines even I would not cross. The drugs I gave Freeman were designed to enhance coital euphoria and help with flexibility. Thankfully, he seems to have enjoyed what are, in his words, 'the best sex I've ever had'. In any case, it was a choice between him, a schizophrenic, and a mute. And while I am fond of Chell, I am fond of her in a familial way, with all the snide language and bad feelings that entails, and I would prefer to hear some vocalisation. I don't think a cancer kazoo is up to the task." Chell didn't know whether to look flattered, annoyed, or disturbed, judging by her expression. That, and she didn't swing that way. "And Rattmann…he needs better personal grooming, to say the least, and would run a mile rather than sleep with me. It was an enjoyable experience all the same. A neurotic, oxycodone-addicted egotist he may be, but Freeman is, when push comes to shove, an excellent lover. I need to find out if there's a self-reporting scale for coital pleasure out there somewhere."

Remus muttered, "Is it me, or have we wandered into a conversation I didn't really want to have?"

"You will be more often than not, Remus Lupin. This will be one of the few relating to sex, though, if that's what you're worried about. I am raising Harry after all."

"That doesn't reassure me."

"Your assurance is irrelevant. Besides, I enjoy watching people squirm, either when they make mistakes during experiments, or else when I bring the conversation to uncomfortable topics. Speaking of which, I am most curious to research your lycanthropy. In exchange for a blood sample and a few tests while you are transformed in a secure chamber, I will endeavour to find either a cure, or else an effective treatment."

"You can't be serious."

"Actually, I believe the man standing next to you is Sirius, and you are Remus. Keep in mind that Aperture is an extremely vast facility, not counting even the abandoned sectors. Even if you broke free, I can even shift the test chamber away from any human bystanders. Of course, I wouldn't object if you mauled Wheatley a little. I don't think lycanthropy can infect artificial intelligences, especially if they're in an inorganic body. I also want your knowledge on magic, or, as I call it, Will-based Transmogrification Force. Professor Dumbledore has told me that you are an expert on Defence Against the Dark Arts. In exchange for helping me with this, you have free room and board, and, upon approval from me, an ability to buy what you wish, within reason."

After a moment, Remus said, "I don't want any charity."

A dry electronic chuckle emanated from GLaDOS. "Believe me, Remus Lupin, this is not charity. The only part of it that is charity is that you won't be tested as much as, say, Mr Pettigrew. My lip-reading software suggests that he is praying to God to save him from his plight. Sadly, I feel disinclined to grant his request."

"You remind me of my cousin Bellatrix," Sirius said. "You're as crazy as she was, but in a good way, though."

"I'll take that as a compliment," GLaDOS said.

It was some time after Hagrid had been gently made to relinquish Norbert (as he had named his dragon). He hadn't been at all happy, but had acceded to Dumbledore's gentle arguments. Harry made it a point to visit him whenever he could to reassure the part-giant. And it was during this latest visit that Hagrid mentioned the unicorns. Namely, the ones that were being killed by something. Or someone.

"Why would anyone kill a unicorn?" Harry mused. Hermione was currently studying like mad for the exams, and Ron was laid up with an illness. "I mean, unicorn hairs are plucked from a live unicorn, and horns are shed." Suddenly, he paled. "Oh no…" he murmured. "The blood?"

"I dunno," Hagrid said. "I saw summat while I was searchin' for the latest one. Looked like someone in a cloak. I talked to the centaurs living in the forest. Centaurs almost never give a straight answer. Ruddy stargazers. The only helpful one was Firenze. He hinted that it was the same one after the…never mind."

"I know about the Stone, Hagrid," Harry said quietly. "I told Dumbledore I knew. He asked that I just keep an eye out and let him know if anything suspicious happened. You've told Dumbledore about this?"

"Of course!"

Harry nodded, and then mused, "From what I've read, you'd have to be desperate to drink unicorn's blood. It's cursed blood because of the purity of the animal. Once you drink it, you're condemned, according to the books, to a half-life, a cursed life. They're rather vague on the specifics though, you'd think they would be more specific in order to deter people. The only reason why one would drink it is because it can keep someone alive, even if they are on the verge of death."

"It's nasty business," Hagrid concurred. "Firenze hinted…well, that it was…" He faltered.

"Voldemort?" Harry asked.

Hagrid winced. "Keep it down!"

"Isn't the Taboo curse gone?" Harry pointed out.

"Yes, but you don' know what it was like in those days: the fear and terror, even before he used the Taboo. Even the young 'uns who're afraid of the name don' understand what it were really like to fear him," Hagrid said solemnly. "But yes, Firenze hinted that it was You Know Who. And I dunno whether he had enough human in him left to die when you stopped him."

"My mother probably did, with a ritual, Hagrid," Harry said pointedly. "I hate how people don't give her due credit, though I guess that's because she's a Muggleborn."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Harry," Hagrid said. "More than a few, while they cheer for her publicly, look down on her for being a Muggleborn in the safety of their homes."

The rest of the conversation went by amicably, before Harry left. Even so, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to happen, and soon.

Sirius and Remus watched bemusedly as GLaDOS, now in what was, frankly, a hot gynoid body, was working in a laboratory. She was also all but dancing along to a piece of Muggle music, an electronic piece that GLaDOS was singing lyrics about someone called the Ghostbusters. Chell was looking on, chuckling, albeit without any noise coming from her mouth. Occasionally, she'd take some sort of rod and press it to her throat, to say, in a buzzing monotone, "I ain't afraid of no ghosts." It seemed to be at the right moment in the song, as GLaDOS didn't object.

The song came to an end, and GLaDOS returned to working on the device she was assembling. "So…what is that?" Remus asked.

Gordon Freeman, who turned out to be a neurotic man with a fussy, neat beard, blinked. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that was a ghost trap from Ghostbusters."

"That's because it is," GLaDOS said. "I loved that movie. And given the ghosts within Hogwarts, I have been given a golden opportunity to obtain one for experimentation. With the hologram projectors I sent to Hogwarts, I was able to use the sensors to calibrate an energy trap that can contain ghosts. I just needed enough readings to start making one up to specifications."

"…And who were you planning on trapping?" Remus asked, dreading the answer.

"A ghost known as Moaning Myrtle. I would have chosen Professor Binns, but I let slip something about my plans while in communication with Dumbledore, and he forbade me, citing a number of boring moral reasons. The only reason I considered remotely sane was the necessity of hiring a new History teacher on short notice. That, and apparently Binns has cursed Hogwarts that, if he is ever exorcised or removed from his position, the other teachers will die."

Sirius blinked. "That…explains a lot. Why?"

"Apparently he wants tenure, even as a ghost. I can understand that desire." She held up the ghost-trap, peering over it critically. "I spoke to the Weasley twins via the hologram projector about other ghosts. Myrtle is the main candidate for trapping, as they told me to leave Peeves alone, as apparently they are friends with him. I will send a couple of these over to Harry once these are ready."

After a moment, Remus said, "Should I feel sorry for Myrtle?"

"Probably not. I have some interesting plans for her."

"That's not reassuring…"

CHAPTER 15 ANNOTATIONS:

So, Sirius and Remus are at Aperture, and GLaDOS is channelling her inner Ghostbuster. The ghost traps are important. Oh, and for Myrtle fans, don't worry. She'll be fine.

BTW, there's a few milestones I want to celebrate. First is that this story has surpassed 100 thousand views! The second is that this story now has a recommendation on TV Tropes, being the second story of mine to do so! The first was Harry Potter and the Cetra Heritage, which now also has a Tropes page for the Cetra Heritage Saga. I'd like to give a big thank-you to EmperorMax2019 for both recommending Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?! on TV Tropes, as well as creating the Tropes page for the Cetra Heritage Saga. Of course, I'd be remiss to not thank again jgkitarel, a longtime reader who wrote the original recommendation for Harry Potter and the Cetra Heritage. Both of you, feel free to do more recommendations and Tropes pages.

By the way, this story will end in two chapters. I'm keeping the last two chapters in reserve for my next big update, sometime in July.

Review-answering time! Kenka: Well, wait until the last chapter is posted in July. It's traditional for a Portal game to end with a song, and I think you may be pleasantly surprised…

Reishin Amara: Funny you should mention pancakes and alignment. I seem to recall a Hellboy story where the demons of Hell lament that their darkest hour has come…because Hellboy (as a child) ate pancakes…and enjoyed them.

MWkillkenny84: Well, I could say something, but…spoilers.

Jostanos: Norbert's fate will be explored in the sequel.

No numbered annotations this time.