So this is it, the end of the story! I will be doing an epilogue at some point in the near future, but I'm so busy the next couple of weeks it might be a while.
Thank you all so, so, so, so, sooooo much for all your wonderful feedback throughout the entire story - it definitely wouldn't have been finished without you! I've enjoyed writing this story so much, I'm kinda sad to end it, but here goes! - Let me know your final thoughts!
I promised a mammoth, and here it is: 7,836 words.
Enjoy!
Missing Track: School's Out - Alice Cooper
Missing Track: Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
Missing Track: I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me) - George Michael & Aretha Franklin
For the first couple of weeks, I was horrible. Every mention of her name went through me like nails on a chalkboard, leading me to snap and lash out at my colleagues. They knew what was wrong, really, especially after the rumours and everything, but I was adamant that I didn't care. She had left me, again, and that was that. The end.
But it wasn't really, and I knew it. I just needed to see past my own melodrama, which was easier said than done, honestly. I had dug myself into a hole of self-pity and anger. Why was she doing this? Even though I knew exactly why, and knew that it was for all the right reasons, I just couldn't stop myself resenting her for it.
Then one night, just over two weeks after she left, there came a heavy knock on my office door.
"Come in!"
Raf poked his head around the door, before striding inside pointedly. I craned my neck and saw Morven and Fletch stood behind him, all dressed in their civvies and grinning nervously.
"Get your coat," Raf announced, nodding towards where it hung on the rack. "You're coming to Albies."
I sighed heavily, shaking my head. "Sorry, I can't tonight. I've got a mountain of paperwork and I've got to get back for Jason—"
"Evie's gone round for Jason. She'll get his fish and chips with him. And the paperwork can wait." He raised his eyebrows at me, and I knew I was trapped. I sighed again, rolling my eyes.
"I'll come for one, and one only," I promised, standing to get my coat. They cast one another a conspiring glance and I winced. I almost definitely would not be staying for just one.
"Come on then, spit it out," I said after we had sat down at our table. They had been muttering to one another the whole way here; I could tell they were up to something. Morven and Fletch both turned to look at Raf. He sat up a bit taller.
"We're staging an intervention," he told, glancing at the others for back up.
"A what?"
"You've been really grumpy lately," Morven said sympathetically, after a sip of wine.
"Yeah, even Hanssen's scared of you at the moment!" Fletch joked. I raised my eyebrows, looking back to Raf.
"I'm just stressed out getting to grips with all this new trauma unit business—"
"Without Bernie to help," he interjected. My eyes widened.
"This has got nothing to do with her," I insisted, taking a rather large gulp of my wine. "Not that she's done us any favours buggering off to ED right after opening—"
"Look, we're sorry, Serena," Fletch interrupted. I stopped, frowning. "If we had known that the rumours would cause… it was an insensitive thing to do, and I'm very sorry."
I looked around to see the regret in all of their eyes. They really thought…
I sighed heavily. "Don't be sorry," I murmured, staring down into my wine glass. "It wasn't because of that. Not that spreading rumours about someone's sexuality is in any way acceptable to do."
"I know, I wasn't thinking of that," Fletch admitted.
"Yes, I know you don't discriminate when there's gossip to be had." I gave him a fond smile, before running a hand over my face. "Oh, this is all such a mess," I groaned.
"So... what happened?" Raf asked, after a pause. I opened my mouth to deny there was anything going on between us at all, at the very least to deny that I cared either way, but seeing the concerned looks on their faces... I caved.
"Well, the rumours were true," I began. "Bernie and I were lovers, once upon a time."
Fletch grinned victoriously. "I always knew you—" He groaned as Morven kicked him under the table. I shot her a proud smirk.
"Anyway, when we both went off to university, I never heard from her again until she arrived back here in February. We ignored it, carried on as though we were just meeting for the first time but... old feelings resurfaced, for both of us, I think. We agreed to talk, that plan went a bit pear shaped, I got her to meet me in a bar, we spent the night together, I left before she woke up, she hates me, end of." I drained the rest of my glass.
The team seemed to be speechless for a few moments.
"But Ms Wolfe is coming back, isn't she?" Morven asked, her brow furrowed.
I hesitated. "Yes, she is," I replied, fiddling with my necklace. "But that doesn't change the fact that she's left. Again. I just feel so..." I searched for the word. "Disposable? If she really cared, surely she wouldn't find it so easy to keep dropping me like this?"
"Well, by the sounds of it you've done just as much of that," Fletch inputted. "I mean, leaving someone before they wake up, that's the biggest sign of not giving a toss there is."
"Did you ask her why she left?" Raf said, as if he were unsure whether to ask. I bit my lip.
"Her parents found out about our relationship," I divulged. "They were very homophobic, threatened her army career if she were to have any more contact with me. So she chose that instead." I sighed, toying with the stem of my now empty glass and praying that someone would suggest getting another round in soon.
"And you're still angry at her for that? Can you honestly say you'd have done any differently?" He looked at me in a way that told me he knew he was right on this one. I looked away, feeling tears stinging in my eyes and suddenly realising just how pathetic I had been about the whole thing. How could I keep a grudge this long, knowing what she had been through? Why couldn't I let go?
"I just..." I shook my head, sitting up straighter. "It doesn't matter now anyway, she doesn't want anything to do with me and that's that. I've buggered up the whole thing and I'm just going to have to accept it."
"But she's coming back," Morven reasoned. "Hanssen offered her a job abroad only last week. Surely if she really wanted to get away from you she'd have taken that instead, or some more permanent position." She nodded at me reassuringly, and I paused for a moment, contemplating my next words.
"She told me she loved me," I murmured, my fingers drumming on the edge of the table. "She said she wanted me, but I have to be sure. And then I tried to tell her I was sure, but she wouldn't believe me."
They were silent for a beat, until suddenly, to my surprise, all three burst into laughter.
"This isn't funny!"
"You are the most ridiculous woman, you know that?" Raf shook his head fondly, lifting his pint. "I thought my ex was bad!"
"And I thought Evie was stubborn!"
"I'm not being stubborn!" I argued incredulously. "I don't think you're getting just how serious this is. I've chased away the love of my life and all you lot can do is laugh about it!"
"Say that again," Raf said, grinning.
I frowned. "I don't think you're getting—"
"No, the last bit." His eyes glittered.
I stopped, sinking down in my chair. The love of my life. I looked around at them helplessly.
"I really have made the most ridiculous mess of all this," I muttered, squeezing my eyes shut.
"But you can fix it," Raf reassured enthusiastically. "She wants you, you just have to step up and stop acting like a sulky toddler. You need to stop bearing these grudges and fight for her. Life's too short. Think of all the time you've wasted!"
"And let's face it, you're not getting any younger," Fletch added unhelpfully.
"Raf's right," Morven murmured, her voice thickening. "Life's too short, and you'll never get that time back. You never know how long you've got." She blinked quickly, and I reached out to cover her hand with mine.
I took a deep breath, their positivity making me suddenly feel a little lighter. "You know what," I announced, a faint smile creeping onto my lips. "I think you're right. Life's too short to be this… I don't want to take my time for granted," I said to Morven, giving her hand a squeeze. She smiled at me thankfully.
"In that case, I think it's your round," Raf smirked, and I rolled my eyes. Giving Morven's hand one final pat, I stood, and it was at the bar that I realised that Bernie's decision to leave was exactly what we both needed. Over the next four weeks, I would allow myself time to work through my feelings, to let go of my grudges and put all that woe behind me, and when she returned, I would fight. I would do everything I could to prove to her that I was ready, that I loved her and that I forgave her. Would spend each day of the rest of my life doing so if needed. Anything, for her.
The love of my life.
::
Over the following two weeks, I worked hard at letting go of any bitterness I still held towards Bernie Wolfe. I went through old diaries, listened again to our mixtape, set aside time each day to work on my issues. I even invested in a therapy session, to talk about how I was feeling and get everything straight in my head. Something had shifted in me, prompted by the team's little pep talk. I knew that I needed to get my act together, that I was going to lose her forever if I kept up my childish antics. And I wanted to change, wanted to make the effort to do so - something which I had not felt before. Before, I had thought she was the one that needed to change; now, I realise that it's both of us who need to be different. I stopped putting blame entirely on her, and I think that was the biggest step.
I still did not contact her, though. As she had been the one to sever ties, I assumed that it would be on her terms that we should get back in touch. Fletch said that he had bumped into her on a trip down to A&E for a patient handover and that she had asked after me, asked how I was. He said I should text her, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do that. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her, or that I was angry at her; I had managed to work past a lot of that now. On the contrary, I was worried that she might be the one bearing the ill-feeling now. The more I thought about it, the more I realised just how pig-headed I had been, how cruel my behaviour was. The guilt was crippling; it made me want to run again. My I was beginning to think more rationally now. If I ran now, that would be the end for good. And I couldn't let that happen. So, patiently, I waited.
But then, sixteen days before she was due to return - not that I was counting - tragedy struck.
:27th August 2016:
It was unusual that I should be at work on a Saturday. Usually senior consultants such as myself only work regular office hours, Monday to Friday. However, with Bernie away, the trauma unit wasn't going to run itself.
I was just in a handover meeting when I heard it, the almighty crash that shook the entire hospital.
"What on earth?"
We all looked around at one another worriedly, one social worker standing to look out of the window.
"Can't see anything. Maybe just a car backfired?" He shrugged, coming and sitting back down.
"Car back fired? It'd have to be a bloody rocket launcher to make a noise like that!" One junior doctor said, her eyebrows knitted together. I shook my head, unsure of what to think, but went back to reading out my patient's obs.
Right on cue, every single pager in the room bleeped urgently. I glanced at mine.
AAU. Multiple traumas. ETA 10 mins.
"I've got to get back to my department," about four people said in unison. The atmosphere had thickened in the room, electric anticipation in the air and stomachs twisting as we all realised that something terrible must have happened. My heart was racing as I stood, grabbing my jacket but not bothering to put it on as we all rushed off. I was just about to get into the lift as my phone rang.
Henrik Hanssen is calling…
"Henrik? What's going on?"
He cleared his throat hurriedly. Henrik Hanssen never hurried his speech. My stomach dropped.
"There's been a terrible accident. A helicopter appears to have crashed into the ED and many people are trapped and injured. I don't have the full details yet but…" I didn't hear the rest of his words. My entire body went cold. ED. Bernie.
I felt bile rising in my throat and leant a hand against the wall, my chest heaving.
"… I'll let you know when I have any more details. I'd better get on."
"Yes," was all I could choke out. I heard the line go dead and quickly scrolled through my contacts. I hovered for a couple of moments, feeling silly, then decided to text instead.
Where are you? S.
Are you okay? S.
Call me when you get this. S.
I steadied myself, putting my phone back in my pocket and pressing the button for the lift. Focus. But then I heard sirens in the distance - a sign that personnel were being called in from other hospitals and that our emergency department must be severely damaged, and my hand dived back in my pocket and was hitting dial before I had time to second guess my actions.
The line connected and I held my breath, listening to the rings and tapping my foot nervously.
"Hel—"
"Bernie, are you okay? Where are you? Are you alright?" My speech was rapid, barely coherent, and I heard her frown.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Serena. Wha—"
"Where are you?" I panted.
She chuckled awkwardly. "I'm in Tesco," she told me, a smile in her voice. "In the chocolate aisle, to be precise. What's up?"
I let out a deep, trembling breath, my hand flying to my chest and my eyes welling up in relief. "Oh thank god," I murmured shakily, trying to compose myself. "I thought…"
"Serena, what's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked urgently, her tone deepening slightly in a way that told me she was going into army mode.
"No, no, I'm fine," I reassured quickly, and heard her let out a little breath. "Well, I'm not… There's been an accident at the ED. Apparently a helicopter has crashed and there are people trapped and more injured. It's all systems go here; I expect you'll be receiving a call for overtime any minute."
She gasped. "Oh god, is everyone alright?"
"I don't know yet, it's only just happened less than ten minutes ago. It's all hands on deck here. I just needed to know that you're safe." And that was the moment I knew: everything was forgotten. I forgave her.
"Thank you," she murmured softly. We were both silent for a couple of moments, neither wanting this connection to end.
"So, uh, how've you been?" She asked. I allowed myself to relax slightly.
"Okay. Good. Better," I replied, the colour returning to my cheeks slightly as I recovered. "Yourself?"
She barked out a laugh. "Well, I think the fact that I'm in the chocolate aisle says it all really." I chuckled.
"Toffee crisp?"
"You know me so well."
"You never change." I smiled fondly, allowing my eyes to flutter closed as I savoured the sound of her voice. "ED not suiting you then?"
"It's not that," she sighed heavily, and I heard a rustle as she put something else into her trolley. "The adrenaline is great, it's just... I think I'm a bit homesick for AAU. I miss my trauma unit." She laughed.
"It's missing you," I replied, feeling myself relaxed now. "We all are."
I heard her take a breath. "Yeah," she murmured, at length. "I missing you too." She coughed. "I mean, Connie Beauchamp is nice enough and all but there's only one co-lead for me." She laughed awkwardly.
I paused, before realising she was talking about me. "You know," I started hesitantly, biting my lip. "If you wanted, you could maybe drop me a text from time to time? I understand if you're too busy—"
"No," she interrupted. "No, I'd like that."
"Good," I said softly. Neither of us spoke for a few moments, both contemplating our words, not really wanting this conversation to end.
Unfortunately, my pager bleeped again in my pocket, breaking me out of my thoughts. AAU. Crush trauma. ETA 4 mins.
"Is better get on," I sighed, pressing the button for the lift.
"Yes, I'd better too. Finish this shopping before I get called in. Though I might turn up anyway, lend a hand," she said, and I felt a rush of love at her gallantry.
"Well, stay safe. I'd say you've got about twenty minutes 'til they call, max."
"I'd better get a move on, then. Got to get home before my choc-ices melt."
"Christ, you must be stressed," I joked, watching the numbers above the lift as it neared my floor. "I'll speak to you later."
"Yes, I'll text you." I heard her nod. We paused for a couple of moments.
"Bye," we both said simultaneously. We laughed.
"Bye."
I ended the called, stepping into the lift and somehow feeling a little lighter, despite the knowledge of the bunfight waiting for me downstairs. We were speaking again, finally. And this time it felt... different. Less tense, now we were both on the same page. It felt fantastic.
The lift doors opened, and I stepped out, brighter, and ready to face the wreckage.
::
It was three days before she made contact. I had begun to lose hope slightly, wondering if I had imagined the new warmth in our conversation on the phone. But, half an hour after I arrived home the following Tuesday, I received a text.
Sorry haven't texted before - it's been bedlam here! Beauchamp's daughter is in ITU - not looking good. I've not sat still since Saturday night! How's your end? B
I wave of relief washed over me at her friendly tone. We were being amicable, genuinely, with no passive-aggression, for the first time in thirty-three years. And it felt fantastic.
Oh that's awful! Pass on my sympathies. We've got Steph Sims! Under lock and key, I might add. We've been non-stop too. Hope you manage to get some rest soon. S
I contemplated adding a kiss, but thought better of it, replacing my phone in my pocket and continuing making lasagna for Jason and I. We were sat down to eat before I noticed her reply.
You too. Was nice talking to you the other day. B x
My heart fluttered, and I felt slightly choked up. It was such a relief, knowing that we were on the same page, that she wasn't angry at me, that we were beginning to work things through. I knew that we still needed to have a proper conversation about what had gone on and where we go from here, but for now it was just nice to have her company back.
We texted almost every day, after that. Sometimes little things, like a particularly interesting patient, bits of gossip we'd heard around, updates on Jason or Bernie's latest contact with Cameron. Other times, there would be big long rants; Bernie really did not get on with Dr Knight in the slightest. Once or twice, we stayed up until the early hours, texting back and forth, chatting away about anything and everything. I'd forgotten quite how much she could make me laugh, so much so that on a couple of occasions I found myself with my hand clasped tight over my mouth, desperately trying to quieten myself so as not to wake Jason and usually failing. We still avoided the topic of us, but it was a different kind of avoidance this time. It wasn't that we didn't want to talk or were uncomfortable with it, we just both understood that it shouldn't happen over text. We needed to do it face to face.
If I was ever in any doubt that I loved her, or that I had forgiven her entirely for what had happened, this evaporated almost the second I received that first text. After that, the following messages we shared only served to further cement in my mind that this was what I wanted. I wanted her. It felt so natural, so right. I remember, one afternoon when I had been feeling particularly stressed, the only thing that managed to put a smile on my face was a quick text from her, and I just thought this is how it's meant to be. Finally, things seemed to be sliding into place.
I was happier than I had been in months, an extra spring in my step and a spark in my eyes, so much so that, even though I was missing her and counting down the days to her return, the time flew by. Before I knew it, it was Sunday night, and I was texting her good luck for the morning.
I can't believe how quickly this has come! Not that I haven't been missing you ;) Got a meeting with Hanssen first thing but maybe see you for lunch? B x
Sounds wonderful :) I really have missed you a lot you know, can't wait to see you. S x
Me too. Sleep well. B x
Goodnight. S x
::
I barely slept that night. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach like a swarm of angry bees, and by the time my alarm was set to go off I was already out of bed, desperately attempting to cover the dark circles below my eyes. As I put on my mascara, I noticed that I was trembling, and took a deep breath. You're being silly, I told myself. There's no reason to be nervous, you're on good speaking terms now. My racing heart didn't quite seem to get the message, though.
The drive in was tense. I couldn't even bring myself to put the radio on, instead allowing my mind to run wild with thoughts of how the day would pan out. What would she say? How would the others react to her? Had her hair changed? Would we be as close in person as we were over text? Would she kiss me?
Would I kiss her?
Stopped at a traffic light, I allowed my eyelids to flutter closed, imagining how it would happen. In our office? On the roof? On the bench outside? My tongue darted out to wet my lips, and I startled myself with the little groan that rumbled in my throat. I longed for her so badly, it often took me by surprise. But I realised there were things that needed to be discussed and sorted out properly first, this time, so resolved to make sure that that happened, before anything else.
On my arrival, I wasn't surprised to see our office already twice as messy as it had been for the previous six weeks, despite the fact she probably only came in to drop off her bag and coat. There was an empty coffee cup lying knocked over on her desk, a screwed up sandwich wrapper, and her coat had fallen off the hook and onto the floor. I sighed fondly, stepping over to hang it back up and to put her rubbish in the bin. I'd sat down at my desk before I noticed the little white paper bag on my keyboard, Bernie's messy handwriting scrawled on it.
It's good to be back - I've missed you! B x
I grinned, opening the bag to find inside a fresh pain au chocolat from Pulses. I tucked in as I read through my morning emails, before going out onto the ward.
And there she was, right in front of me, at the nurses' station being welcomed back by the other members of staff. I froze for a moment, collecting myself, clearing my throat, taking a deep breath.
"Ms Wolfe! We've missed you so much!" Morven bounced up to her as I neared, enveloping her in a tight hug, seemingly starting a trend as Fletch and Raf both greeted her with an embrace too. I smirked to myself, knowing how uncomfortable she found those sorts of greetings and imagining her face as she suffered it, before stepping going to greet her myself.
"Hello stranger." I fought to keep a telling smile from my face, but when she turned and I saw she was grinning too, I couldn't help but return the sentiment. Then, to my surprise, I found that her arms were around me, pulling me into a hug and murmuring in my ear a quick 'good to see you'. Over her shoulder, I saw the rest of the team winking and making thumbs up signs to one another, and couldn't bring myself to shoot them a disapproving glare.
"It's about time too," I said playfully as she pulled away. "We can't have ED poaching our finest, can we?"
"Wouldn't dream of it," she smirked, shaking her head, her cheeks rosy. "AAU's where I belong." She met my eye with a wink. "Where I'm staying."
I beamed at her, opening my mouth to speak but finding myself suddenly interrupted by the shrill ringing of the red phone. She gave my arm a squeeze before rushing off to answer it, and I got back to my patients.
The week that followed must have been one of the busiest in AAU's history. We didn't manage to grab lunch together; Bernie was stuck in a complex exploratory laparotomy which ended up having complications that took her well into the afternoon, and by the time she was out I was tied up with an emergency aortic valve repair and wasn't finished until well after both our shifts ended.
Sorry I missed you - didn't know how long you'd be! See you tomorrow. B x
I smiled at my phone, tapping out a quick reply and willing myself to get the energy to stand up out of my chair and go home.
On Tuesday we managed to coordinate our arrivals so that we could walk in together, but were quickly swept off our feet for the rest of the day again dealing with traumas from a five car pile-up that had happened overnight. As the ED was so badly damaged still, we were getting a lot more trauma patients than usual, meaning we didn't have the staffing levels to take patients together as we often used to, so I didn't even see her whilst we were working. By the time we were finishing up in the evening, both of us were too tired to do anything other than promise to talk the next day, but Wednesday ended up being much of the same. It was almost laughable, how at every opportunity we had to talk we ended up being interrupted in some way. Whether it was the red phone, a frantic call from Jason when the wifi had gone down or Hanssen popping in to see how we were holding up with the extra patients, we never seemed to be able to get five minutes to ourselves. Even on Thursday night, when we managed to make it to Albies without a hitch, the moment we were through the door we were dragged into the crowd of people gathered for Sacha Levy's birthday, never getting to be alone together for the rest of the night.
It was Friday, finally, when things thankfully started to slow down. We even managed to complete a splenic artery aneurysm repair together. I missed it, performing with her in theatre like that. We were so coordinated, so used to one another that we could almost complete it in silence. We moved together so naturally, each anticipating the other's movements almost before we had even decided ourselves what our next step would be. It reminded me of when we danced, somehow always managing not to step on each other's toes even in the most cramped of crowds, and when I looked up mid-suture and saw her eyes smiling through her surgical mask I wondered if she were having the same thought.
The rest of the shift passed unremarkably. Bernie had some post-op work to do whilst I caught up on a mountain of paperwork that I had been too busy for all week. I was finished by half past six, and spent the remaining half an hour replying to some emails.
"What a week!" Bernie exclaimed as she returned to the office just before the clock struck for 7pm and the end of our shift. She was out of her scrubs, instead clad in a rather flattering dark green blouse and those skin-tight jeans I loved. She sat down heavily in one of the guest chairs by the door, a bright smile on her face. "Are you nearly finished up?"
I nodded, gesturing at the screen. "Just got to finalise this email to the board and then I'm all set." I tapped a few more keys, before clicking shut down on my computer. "Done."
"Great," Bernie replied, pausing a moment. "We need to talk." She said it a notch quieter than her other words, and I shot her a reassuring smile.
"Yes, we do," I said seriously. "If we can ever get five minutes to ourselves."
"Well, no time like the present," she said, nodding over at the coat rack for me to hurry up. I stood, but then had a better idea.
"Hang on." I moved to my desk draw, fished about for a few seconds, before taking out a key, walking to the door and locking it shut. "There we are. No interruptions."
She looked mildly intimidated for a moment, before her posture softened and she nodded, standing to hang her coat back up and flick on a lamp as I closed the blinds. I sat back down in my office chair, before hastily moving to sit on one of the other guest chairs beside her, feeling too much as though I were conducting a job interview. We needed to be level for this.
"So…" I started, my palms resting on my knees. I had built myself up to this moment for the past seven weeks, and now it was here… I was lost for words.
"I'll go first?" Bernie offered. I opened my mouth to protest; after all that had happened, I thought that it were only right that I should be the one to make the first move, but no words came out. Instead I simply shook my head, holding up a hand to signal for her to give me a minute. It wasn't that I didn't know what I wanted to say, what I needed to say; I just wanted it to be perfect. I didn't want to leave any room for doubt or misinterpretation. I wanted her to know, definitely, how I felt, and to know that I knew for sure myself that this was what I wanted.
I tightened my hands on my knees, allowing my eyes to flutter closed for a couple of seconds, before looking up at her, meeting her eyes.
"I'm in love with you," I confessed, my voice thicker that I expected. "I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to find... to process what happened. I've been so selfish." I gave her a guilty look. "I've been so wrapped up in myself that I lost sight of what really matters. And when I realised that, then I could finally allow myself to just... get over myself." I laughed nervously. "I needed to get over myself and to see that we're both only human and that life's just too short for me to be so... finicky. I love you. I always have. I daresay I always will. So... there you have it." I let out a deep breath, my heart hammering in my chest. She gazed at me contemplatively for a few moments, a small smile on her lips, before reaching out and laying her hand over mine on my knee.
"I love you too," she said softly, simply, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. "Thank you for being so patient with me these past six weeks."
I barked out an incredulous laugh. "Me the patient one?" I scoffed, shaking my head. "You're the one that's put up with my ridiculous moods for the past six months! I certainly wouldn't have put up with me for that long."
She grinned. "Yes you have been rather adolescent." She looked down at our joined hands, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter. "I can't believe I'm the one that's had to be grown up about this."
I bit my lip, sitting back a bit more comfortably. "Can we blame hormones?" I asked jokingly.
"What hormones?" She teased.
"Well, lack of, then," I replied, before bursting into giggles, our hands still joined as we laughed at one another, at how ridiculous we had been. It felt like a breath of fresh air, each giggle dispelling more and more of the dark cloud that had surrounded us for so long.
"Really, though, thank you for not holding it against me. I just needed some space to... cool off a bit."
"It was the right call." I squeezed her hand. "I needed some space too. It was the best thing for both of us. Probably the first thing we've done right since you got here."
She shook her head. "I"m sorry I… ignored you, when I first arrived. Truth be told, when I first saw you by that car, I didn't recognise you until after we'd begun talking. And then you didn't seem to have recognised me and… I didn't think it would be the most welcome of reunions." She sighed.
"I didn't know what to do," I admitted. "I was shocked to see you. I didn't know what to say or think, and we were both in relationships, so I guess I just blanked it out. Until I got home and on the Shiraz, that is." She chuckled fondly. "I dug out our old mixtape - the one you gave me before you left - and… let myself remember, for the first time in years."
"You've still got it?" Bernie asked in surprise. I nodded.
"Could never bring myself to throw it away," I replied wistfully.
Our eyes met, and we smiled. We were being honest, finally. I felt as though a switch had been flicked, a light turned on, and now it was okay to talk to her about anything. We were both past the point of flying off the handle at the little things; we just wanted to tell the truth.
"Both in relationships," Bernie repeated, with a faint smirk. "Doesn't that feel like a millennium ago?" I laughed.
"Quite," I agreed.
"What happened with Robbie, anyway?"
I paused, heaving a sigh. "Jason was and always will be my priority. Robbie couldn't accept that."
"Twat."
"My sentiments exactly. I'll admit to feeling a bit heartbroken at first, but… then I found out that you were newly single." I winked at her.
She laughed, her cheeks brightening a little. "Yes, I'll admit my heart did a little jump when I found out Robbie was off the scene." I smiled, squeezing her hand.
"I'm sorry I went off on one about you and Alex, by the way," I apologised softly, turning my palm now to interlink our fingers.
"No, no," Bernie shook her head. "I don't blame you. It wasn't one of my wisest moves."
"What happened?"
She shrugged. "I just… fell in love with her. I don't even remember it happening. One day we were good friends and colleagues, the next I found myself kissing her. It was nothing sordid; I never intended to cheat on Marcus and I don't think I'll ever truly forgive myself for doing that to him and the kids. I just think that when you're our there and working so closely with someone, and you haven't seen your family for so long… it's kind of like a different reality, you're detached from home and so detached from the guilt too."
"Until you get blown up," I inputted. She smiled.
"Yes, until that. Karma."
"I wouldn't quite go that far."
"Anyway. She told me I needed to sort my life out. I have done, within reason, and I don't love her any more. So maybe it was just circumstance." She cleared her throat. "Either way, I think I'd have always chosen you." She lifted our hands, brushing her lips across my knuckles. I beamed, fighting a blush.
We sat in companionable silence for a few moments, enjoying the feeling of our joined hands, of being around one another again, until I spoke.
"So, what now?"
I held my breath as she turned her head back to me, her eyes searching.
"What do you want?"
"I want you."
She held my gaze for a few more moments, before breaking into a grin. "I'm all yours," she promised, her eyes soft. "But let's take it slowly this time. No rush."
"Of course," I agreed, nodding a little too enthusiastically. "We'll take it slow. And I think we're past our time in nightclubs, too."
"Yes," she chuckled. "I'm still not averse to a bit of music though, if we're staying?" She nodded over at the radio on the side. I arched an eyebrow, meeting her gaze, and suddenly we both knew what to do. It was as if we were on autopilot, reverting back to default as we both stood, Bernie moving to tune the radio and I reaching into the bottom drawer for my emergency bottle of Shiraz and glasses, both beaming as we went.
"Ah!" Bernie exclaimed, finally finding an oldies radio station as I started to pour our glasses of wine. "Remember this?"
Well we got no class
And we got no principles
And we got no innocence
I nodded, biting my bottom lip. "Last day of school?"
"You got it."
"And Alan—?"
"Yep."
We both collapsed into giggles.
"He's a detective superintendent now," Bernie told, both our hands trembling with laughter as I passed her a glass.
"What is the world coming to?" I sat back down again, a hand over my mouth. "I still can't believe Miss… Caroline saw us. Apart from the obvious, I'm absolutely mortified she saw me doing Flashdance."
"Well, at least you kept your clothes on that time," Bernie winked, taking a sip of her wine.
I cringed. "Don't remind me. We should go visit her sometime, you know?"
"We should." Bernie nodded happily.
"Take her out."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Together."
"Together."
::
We stayed in the office for the rest of the night, reminiscing about old times, filling each other in on our thirty years apart. I told her about Edward, about how I had remembered her on my wedding day. She told me about university, about her therapy, about her combat training. We swapped stories of our children growing up - Elinor and Charlotte had even been at a summer camp together, unbeknownst to us. It was nice, getting to know her life, all the moments that we had both missed out on. It felt like a release.
"This song always reminded me of you."
Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever, forever, no! yeah!
"I suppose it is rather fitting, yes. Not quite Summer of '69, though. Summer of '83, yes."
"Debatable." She smirked at me. I shoved her playfully on the shoulder, my cheeks reddening.
"Good to see your juvenile sense of humour hasn't changed," I chastised jokingly. She shook her head.
"Never."
By the time we had finished the first bottle of wine, both of us were famished, so, after a small argument about toppings - pineapple is an abomination, and I refuse to hear differently - ordered a large half Hawaiian, half meat-feast pizza, bribing an F1 with assisting on a scheduled laparotomy on Monday to go down and collect from the driver for us, along with another bottle of wine from the off license round the corner whilst they were on their break. We weren't leaving the office for anything. Nothing could be worth breaking this little cocoon we had formed, this shelter from the world around us that allowed us to just be us, to forget everything else for a while and discover one another again.
At some point in the evening we had ended up sitting on the floor, both deciding that it was more comfortable down there and moving the chairs so that we could rest our backs against the wall, instead placing our glasses of wine and pizza on them. We ate in silence, both enjoying the music playing.
I don't regret a single moment,
No, I don't (I know you don't) looking back
When I think of all those disappointments
I just laugh (I know you do), I just laugh
Our eyes met over the lyrics and we smiled at one another, our mouths still half-full of pizza. I swallowed quickly as her eyes fell to my lips, my heart faltering for a moment before she leaned across, gently, innocently pressing her lips to mine. It was so soft, so chaste that it made my head swim and my toes tingle, somehow knocking the breath out of me despite requiring little energy on my part whatsoever.
I knew you were waiting
I knew you were waiting for me
She pulled back, her cheeks rosy, her eyes sparkling, her hand hiding a grin so bright that it made my eyes water, and I knew in my heart that I would spend every day of the rest of my life working to elicit that very same smile. I could never, ever tire of that.
We finished our pizza, kissed some more, sang along to some of our favourite songs, drank more wine, kissed again, danced, cried, laughed until our stomachs hurt, kissed until we could no longer breathe.
The morning shift came all too quickly. We were dozing, by then, slumped against one another, our fingers intertwined. There was a sharp knock at the door, and we both jumped awake, wiping sleep from our eyes.
"Just a minute!" Bernie called out, laughing as she looked at my face. "Your tongue is purple!"
I covered my mouth with my hand. "So's yours!" I shot back, looking at the discarded pizza box and wine bottles around me. "Oh, heavens. What a mess."
"Wait 'til you look in a mirror," Bernie teased, her knees cracking as she made to get up.
"Charming! You've seen better days yourself, darling."
Bernie laughed, standing, before holding her hand to her head with a groan. "Oh, god, I'm still drunk."
"I'm not surprised."
"I drove here."
"Bernie!"
"I'd better order a taxi—" Another sharp knock at the door.
"I'll get it," I sighed, wincing as I stood. I patted down my hair, brushed off my blouse, wiped the smudges of lipstick from around my mouth.
I opened the door a creak.
"Morning!" Fletch poked his head in. I forced a cheery smile.
"Good morning, Nurse Fletcher. What can we do for you?"
"I need the handover book."
I sighed, rushing over to my filing cabinet to fetch it. "Here."
"Great. I'll leave you two ladies—"
"Actually, Fletch, would you mind ordering us a cab while you're at it?" I asked, squinting against the bright lights of the ward. He grinned.
"Just one cab?" I rolled my eyes.
"No. No, Fletch. Two cabs. Please."
He gave me a wink and dashed off.
"I only live ten minutes from you. We could have shared," Bernie said lightly, running a hand through her hair and fastening the top button of her blouse.
"I don't think that would have been the best idea, do you?" I raised an eyebrow. She chuckled, leaning over and giving me another peck on the lips before turning to search the desk for her phone as I cleared away the chairs and litter.
"You know, I was thinking," I began, a little tentatively. She stopped, blinking in confusion at the new seriousness in my voice. I allowed my posture to soften slightly. "Well, I was wondering… They're doing a stage production of Mamma Mia at the Old Theatre next week. Cheesy, I know, but… if you fancied it?"
Her face went blank, her tired brain seeming to take a couple of extra moments to register the idea, before smiling warmly. "I'd love to," she replied, stuffing her phone in her back pocket. "Friday?"
I sighed in relief, nodding. "Friday it is."
"It's a date."
We grinned at one another for a few moments.
"I need to go get a couple of things from my car before the cab arrives," Bernie announced. "Are you coming?"
"I'll be right behind you. Just gotta nip to the ladies' before I go."
"Well, if I don't see you, text me when you're home."
"And you. I'll book the tickets for Friday."
"Perfect."
We stood gormlessly for another couple of moments, neither wanting to leave the other's company, until my bladder got the better of me.
"Well, see you soon."
I leant over to give her a kiss goodbye, and it came to me in a rush how natural it felt. I could see this for the rest of my life.
"See you soon."
We both hurried off, and though I didn't want to part from her, all I felt was elation. I knew now that I had the rest of my life to stare at that beautiful face, to hold her in my arms, to sing to her as she fell asleep. I knew that this was how I would spend forever. And I looked forward to every moment.
::
"And Bernie will get this too, yes?"
"Yes, Auntie Serena. She's got it on her phone already. You're behind."
"Oh, shush. Right, so how do I work this?"
"Well, what do you want?"
"That one."
"Okay. You just press this button here, then that one there, then click where you want to put it."
"And Bernie can do that too?"
"Yes."
"Marvellous."
Spotify Collaborative Playlist: "Our Songs: 2016-?"
Track 1: Mamma Mia - ABBA
THE END
Thank you all again so, so, so much. I hope I didn't disappoint! There will definitely be an epilogue on it's way :)