shut up this one is short and i just needed to put in the fact that sam is having major trouble with the idea of cas but at least he's willing to listen to his brother because they love each other and i just needed to write something today and i know it's not perfect but here it is and enjoy yet another chapter of my poor writing, stay lovely and as always i love your comments so if you feel like nah maybe you shouldnt i encourage you to go ahead

I managed to calm down Sam enough for him to go back to bed, but only after making sure that Cas left and he promised not to say anything to our parents. It was hard, seeing the look of pride drain from Sammy's eyes. I really need to make things better, because I knew one thing; if I couldn't have Sam in my life then I wouldn't ever be happy with just Castiel. I so desperately wanted to not believe it, but Sam was my whole world growing up, I practically raised the little brat. And no one, not even the man I loved could keep me from my little, annoying, brother. I just had to find a way to explain the situation I'm in. I knew that I shouldn't feel the way I do about Cas.

For fuck sake I was terrified of him for the whole first month we were on the road, but then one day I found myself laughing at something he said and it was easier and easier to see the man that was buried beneath all the blood.

I wake up earlier in the morning than normal, I want to make sure Sam isn't going to say anything at the breakfast table.

And I couldn't sleep after the events of last night.

Sam's door is unlocked, like it always is and I just barge right in, the little booger is still asleep so instead of being a good brother I roll on top of him. "Samantha!" I sing at him and he groans under me, "Samantha wake up, you've had enough beauty sleep. It's not like you're beautiful, it's more like nothing's going to help."

"I'm not talking to you Dean." His voice comes out muffled and I roll off of him and onto the side of the bed next to the wall. "I promised I wouldn't say anything at breakfast and I won't. I also won't say anything to you."

"Sammy."

"No Dean." He rolls over to face me and rubs the sleep off of his face, "I don't understand what you think you're doing. You're having a romantic relationship with a serial killer. What the fuck man?"

"Sometimes I think like that too, but then I remember that Cas is actually a great man that was raised by insane brother who didn't want to get their own hands dirty and they made sure the only times they ever hurt someone it was him. You don't know his story Sam."

"How can you be sure that this isn't just some sort of sob story he made up?" Sam raises an eyebrow at me and I roll my eyes.

I sit up and rest my chin in my hands, "No, I can tell. You should have seen his face, he looked like he was seeing a monster from his childhood. His hands were fucking clenched until his knuckles were white. I know when I'm being lied to Sam, you should know that." Sam sits up and looks back at the clock on his wall. It's almost seven and he has to get ready soon and so do I.

"I want you to explain everything to me Dean, all of it. The moment you left in the impala to the moment you knocked on the door Christmas Eve morning." Sam glares me down and suddenly I'm struck with how intimidating he can be, normally I'm being used by his puppy dog eyes and I'll do anything he asks. Now he's not playing around and he's being serious.

He's growing up. I can't lie to him about this so I nod my head and he gets off the bed and so do I.

Mom is up in the kitchen making breakfast and I wander in to steal some of the frosting she's using for the synonym rolls.

She doesn't say anything, other than smiling at me and after a quick shower and what seems like a glaring contest with my father I'm out the door and on my way to Bobby's for another long day of sweat and motor oil.

It would be a good day of I didn't have the impending talk with Sam in less than ten hours.

I'm going to tell him everything, from the first night when I wanted to bash his brains in with a crow bar to how he told me I was just a hostage, to Heidi, to his offers of sex, to how easily I started to laugh around him, to the cabin. I plan on leaving out only the too graphic details. Sammy doesn't need to know how he fucked me so rough that first time and he doesn't need to know how scared I was when he was beating the shit out of me.