Cas and I talked until five in the morning and my mom came into my room around eight to tell me that she and Sam were going to the hospital to see Jess. When I finally got out of bed around noon dad was nowhere in sight, it was nice of him to tell me he was leaving.

Oh that's right he didn't.

When I stumble into the bathroom I see that my eyes are bloodshot and I cringe at y reflection, I looked better when I was being held hostage. Instead of showering or trying to look…or smell…decent today I just flop down on the couch and throw my arm over my eyes. And here I thought that secretly having a mass murdering boyfriend stay in town with me would be easy. I'm so stupid sometimes. Cas couldn't have done it. he has no motive. It's reckless and stupid and just not Cas. It couldn't have been Cas.

Maybe I should go to the church and see if he's there.

I trust him, I do.

He told me about himself. After Sam left my room; and I told him I wanted to know more about him he told me. There was no delay, and he didn't try to beat around the bush. He simply just told me.

When Castiel was born his mother died in childbirth; his dad never blamed him for what happened to his wife, Cas simply became his whole world, but his brother's hated him. Cas had four older brothers, there were some days that they were all mean to him and some days that the next two youngest would take pity on him and shield him from the other brothers wrath. Those were the good days, and they were few and far between.

He didn't go into detail about what his brothers did to him after their dad died, but I understood that it was something that should never be done to anyone, no matter what. And that they did it to a kid, barely eleven, was even more disturbing. Just thinking about it right now is making me mad. I obviously have no reason to think Cas was the person who broke into Jessica's house, he would never hurt a child, because after all that he went through he would never put another kid through the pain that he endured.

I decide against going to the church, because what if he's there? I don't want him thinking I didn't believe him, because I do.

I trust him.

I have the house to myself for the first time in a long time and I can't think of a single thing to do that I would want to do. Sure I think of all the things I would have done a few months ago. I would call over one of my 'friends' and we might fool around in my room or I would call over my actual friends and we'd do stupid shit, but I really don't feel like being a fool tonight. I have no idea when anyone will be home and I'm already bored of sitting in the living room by myself. I could always just sleep through the day but even that seems unappealing.

What would a normal twenty year old do when he's home alone on the weekend? I'm fucking pathetic.

What's even more pathetic is that I fell for the man who could have possibly tried to murder my little brother's first love.

Great I'm back to this.

I try to shrug off the heavy feeling that's weighing down my shoulders but I can't seem to shake it. I call Cas up, "Dean, are you alright?"

He sounds so worried and it makes my guy clench up and twist into a not, "Fine, I'm just bored and I wanted to see what you were doing."

My palms are sweaty, "I'm just sitting at the lake near the church, and it's beautiful out here."

"Do you have food?"

"I'm alright Dean."

Even though there is this lingering doubt that somehow Cas could have hurt Jessica, I want to see him desperately, "It's no trouble, and besides, I haven't seen you in a long time, not in the daylight anyways."

He doesn't answer for a little while and I start to imagine him growing bored of the simple farm boy who chose family instead of his heart, "That would be great Dean; any chance you could bring me a burger?"

"Yeah."

I leave the house, but not before scrawling out a note telling mom not to worry.

I pick up two burgers in town before I make a sharp turn to head outside of the city limit and down dirt roads older than my car. It doesn't feel like a long drive, even when I have to go slow, because eventually I'm turning off the engine and climbing out of the driver side door.

Sweat begins to trickle down my back; I guess I should have just worn one layer today.

I turn back around and toss my button up shirt back into the car and that's when I feel strong hands wrap around my stomach, "Took you long enough."

I turn around to see Cas, extremely sweaty, standing there with his hair in every direction possible, "There was a line at the fast food place, I thought you said you wanted a burger?"

"I wanted you Dean, to hell with the burger."

"Then can I eat yours?"

He pushes my hand away and grabs the sack away from me, "I've been thinking Dean, I can't really stay here forever."

The food in my hands seems like too much now, so I set it down and lean against the door to the impala, "What are you saying?"

I know exactly what he's saying, I just don't want it to be true, "I can't- staying here is only going to hurt you in the long run, not only that, living in a burnt down church doest quite cut it for me." He sees my hurt look and quickly sets down his food and presses against me, "I still love you Dean, I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, but it's because I love you that I can't stay and I can't ask you to leave your family. I know what that did to you the last time."

"Cas I-" but there's nothing I can say to that. It did fuck me up last time, I couldn't get my family off my mind, but if I lost Cas, I don't know how I would feel, or if I would ever feel again. "I love you, and I won't stop you from leaving if that's what's best." It hurts to say, but I can't help it. It's always been easier to put other peoples before mine.

"I don't want you getting hurt Dean, but staying here is making me crazy, and I thought I was doing better but-" he shakes his head and the seed of doubt from earlier sprouts up.

"But what?"

I don't want to know, and only God knows why on earth I just asked a known serial killer what he did to let off steam, "It's nothing, I haven't done anything, and that's the problem."

I can see the maniacal look in his eyes and it reminds me of that first night I laid eyes on him, he seems locked up, like he's just barely holding back. I guess what he means but not wanting me to get hurt he doesn't just mean my feelings, he looks capable of hurting me with his own two hands right now and he's not even angry.

So I take his hands and bring them up to my lips, "You could never do anything that would make me hate you Cas, I'm with you. I'm with you 'til the end."

He relaxes into me and I hold him there, not wanting us to be separated but a few inches, "I'm going to leave soon, by the end of the week." Right before spring break starts.