Chapter One:

"Remember when you used to say, you think you've got problems, wait until you become a parent? Well, you should have seriously explained in detail how much of problem it was." Greg scolded his mother, ditching the overflowing laundry hamper by the washing machine. "Even when they're not here, I'm still picking up toys, cleaning their clothes, making sure there's enough food in the fridge for when they get back. Making beds, digging blocks of Lego out from between the sofa cushions and the vacuum cleaner..."

"You don't need to tell me. I'm still going through it all." His mother finished buttering the slices of bread, before she made her way over to the fridge for the ham slices and salad. "Instead of little Lego blocks and weird little science experiments that you used to keep though, I'm picking up dolls shoes, hair bands and clips, along with dirty socks from your brother. You wouldn't believe how many I've found under his bed."

"Oh, I think I would. I found some of Jacks' little booties under my bed the other day. They haven't fit him since he was about two months old."

"Aww, I hope you kept them. You never know when you might need them again." Jean gave him a smile, placing some things onto the counter. "When's Nicky getting back from work then? You said he'd be late..."

"He's..." Greg leant back against the washing machine, rolling his eyes as he looked up at the ceiling. "He hasn't lived here in seven months, Mom." He blurted it out. "I kicked him out."

"What?" She grappled hold of the mayonnaise jar she was holding, before she dropped it to the floor from the shock. "Why? Why didn't I know? When were you going to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now." He pointed out to her, kneeling down to pick up the clothes he had dropped. "I didn't want to tell you, because it really wasn't any of your business and I didn't want to hear the 'I told you so' speech from you after it all crumbled away... again."

Jean knelt down beside him, handing him the last few little socks and jeans. "Seven months is a long time, you should have called me. I wouldn't have given you any speech." She assured him, before she remembered something, "Hold on, seven months? Christmas was three months ago. We had you all over then. You stayed in the same room."

Greg shook his head. "Nick slept in Colt's room. The boys were in with me. I asked him to come with us... so you wouldn't know anything was wrong." Giving out a heavy sigh, he climbed to his feet, dumping the boys clothes into the machine. "I kicked him out, then I forced him to come with me and put on an act for you guys. That argument you saw us have in the garden, that wasn't nothing. He wanted it all back. Me, the boys, this house... but I didn't think I could trust him anymore."

"What did he do?" She leant against the machine beside him. "Sweetheart, you shouldn't have to go through something like this alone. What happened between you two, everything was going..."

"So great? Yeah, that's when you know that you're in trouble." He smirked, grabbing the washing powder from the shelf above him. "Everything was going so great before Colt was born. I didn't see any warning signs before he just up and disappeared on me. I thought he was dead. I would have given anything to have to him back. Now I'm kicking him out. And it wasn't just one thing either. It was more like one thing after another. And that one thing blew up into all of these problems..."

"What one thing?" Getting her son to face her, Jean demanded to know what was going on, "Sweetheart, what happened? You two have always been so strong, what could possibly tear you apart?"

"Me." He looked down at his hands. "I did. I broke us. And I'm such an idiot for doing it, because he won't even look at me now."

"How?" She putting her hands on her hips as she tried to understand what he was trying to say. "What did you do that broke the bond that the two of you had?"

Inhaling a deep breath, Greg looked into his mother's eyes, whispering, "I lost our baby's."

His mother stared at him a moment, before she reached out for his hands. "Stop doing that a moment." Stopping Greg from using the laundry as a distraction again, she looked into his eyes, asking, "How did you lose your baby's? If you lost a baby, it's never down to you. When was this?" She blamed herself for not noticing anything different between the two of them, but she still had to get to the bottom of this. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"The whole reason I kicked Nick out was because he didn't want to talk about it." Greg giggled softly, sliding down the wall behind him. "Instead of talking to me or acknowledging the fact that something happened, he shut me out, put on this fake happiness and it drove me crazy. I wanted him to share what he was feeling with me, but he just bottles everything. I kicked him out and I've wanted him back ever since, but I'm afraid to let him in again."

Even though she knew it wouldn't help, Greg's mother decided to give him the usual speech that everyone gave her. "Everybody deals with grief in a different way."

"We would have four kids by now."

"When?" She spoke softly, gently brushing a tear from her son's cheek. "How long ago...?"

Sniffling softly, Greg answered, "First one was shortly before Jacks' second birthday. That's why we cancelled his party last minute. He didn't really have a cold." He wiped his eyes, tilting his head back against the wall behind him. "I was fourteen weeks along. I was gonna tell you at his party. We had already heard the heartbeat and got pictures. I was in the shower when I lost it. It looked like a real baby... barely bigger than my hand."

"Oh, sweetheart," Sitting herself beside him, Jean put her arm around his shoulders, hugging him tightly against her side. "You should have told me, honey. Not that I'm... you just shouldn't have had to go through that alone."

Greg pulled his knees close to his chest, explaining, "Second one... I didn't even know I was pregnant. We were away on our vacation in Hawaii, when you had the boys. The doctor at the hospital there guessed I was around ten weeks."

"You were in a hospital?"

"Yeah, I fainted head first into some sort of lobster buffet. I was bleeding and anaemic, so I was in hospital the last three days of our holiday. They thought I had a concussion too, but I just didn't want to talk to anybody. Nick left me there. He took me to the hospital then ditched me, leaving me to deal with it all... again."

"Greg." Although his mother was a little annoyed that he would keep something like this from her, all she felt was her own guilt for not being there for him.

"Afterwards, Nick barely even spoke to me. All I thought about was how I felt and what I had lost. And how I let him down. I never even thought about what he might be feeling . . . and look what I've done to Colt and Jackson now." Greg pointed out to her, running his fingers through his hair. "I've completely screwed up their lives. Including any chance of giving Nick any kind of happiness in what time he has left with us. He had a follow up appointment at the hospital last week. I wanted to ask him how it went, but he can't even look me in the eye anymore. He walked away before I could really talk to him. It used to be me that was hostile towards him, but it's the other way round now. He hates me. I know he does."

"If we're talking about the same man, I believe he loves you more than anything. Something like that doesn't disappear in the space of seven months." She playfully ruffled her hand through his hair, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. "I saw the two of you three months ago. I saw how he looked at you. Believe me, love like that doesn't go away."

"Mom-my!" A voice called through the house.

"Just a minute." Jean gave her son another quick hug, before she climbed to her feet. "C'mon sweetheart," She helped him up, gently brushing away the tears from his cheeks. "I wish that there was a quick fix button for you, but this isn't something that's going to go away so easily. Believe me, I know. I still live with the guilt of the baby's that I lost. But believe me when I say that it does get easier, the more you talk about it. Shutting yourself off never helps. Nick probably feels just as bad as you do. If not worse because you kicked him out for it."

"Yeah, where were you with that advice earlier?" He smiled at her, giving his eyes a quick wipe as he heard footsteps in the kitchen. He got back to loading the washing machine with their clothes, while his mother tended to the hungry children in the kitchen.

"Hey, hands off the food. It's not ready yet."

Greg switched the machine on, inhaling a deep breath, before he stepped out into the kitchen. "Hey there, Munchkin." Lifting his toddler from the floor, Greg pressed a kiss to his little forehead, hugging him tightly against his chest. "Did you have fun at the park with Granddad?" He playful pulled the pacifier from his mouth, wanting to hear his adorable little voice. "Did you go on the swings?"

Jackson reached his little fingers out for his pacifier in his father's hand, giggling softly as Greg tickled his tummy.

"What about the slide? Did you have a go on the slide?" He took his baby boy through to the front room, sitting down with him on the sofa, so he could remove his little jacket for him. "Did you have fun?"

"Yes." He spoke softly, reaching his curious little fingers out for the ring on his father's finger.

"I pushed him on the swings." Colt climbed onto the sofa beside him, putting his cowboy hat on his father's head. "Granddad got me these." He held up one of the chewy gob-stoppers from the packet in his hands. He popped one into his father's mouth, giggling as the man pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Don't eat too many, they'll rot your teeth." He warned him, sucking the strawberry flavoured sweet in his mouth. "Mmm, they're pretty good. Gimme another one." He smiled at him, getting another giggle out of his son.

"Granddad let us have some Sprite too."

"Oh, did he now." Greg unzipped Colt's jacket, giving him a hand to get his arms out of the sleeves. "You definitely have to brush your teeth then. Granddad knows you're not meant to have fizzy drinks."

"Granddad said you drank fizzy drinks all the time." His son caught him out, receiving a playful jab to his side. "Granddad said that family's are always supposed to forgive each other for everything too. No matter what happened." His seven year old started up the usual argument. "Why can't Daddy come home? Can you just forgive him for what he did? This is his home, Papa. He should still live here with us. We live here, so why can't he?"

Greg rested his head back against the cushions behind him, looking between his boys. He wouldn't have had either one of them without, Nick. He wouldn't even have the life he had now without, Nick. But he didn't know if Nick would even take him back now.

He hadn't been able to look him in the eye for months now.

"It's... complicated, Buckaroo. I know you hate it when I say that, but grown up relationships are complicated, because we're so damn complicated. Being a kid is easy. I'm serious, you don't know how easy you have it." He took the cowboy hat off his head, placing it back on Colt's head in front of him. "Being a kid is the easiest job you will ever have."

"I still want Daddy to come home." Colt spoke softly, resting his legs across his father's lap. "I miss not having Daddy here."

"We'll work it out, you don't need to worry about anything. You're a kid, worrying is for adults. All you need to know is that Daddy loves you both more than anything in the world. That doesn't change because he's not here." Greg assured him. "Daddy will always be there for you when you want him."

"I know." Colt popped another sweet into his mouth, handing another one to his father. "Can Jacks have one?"

"No, he might choke. He can have one of those soft jelly ones though." He motioned towards the packet he had seen in his son's coat pocket. His son reached for the sweet packet, handing it to his father. "Mmm, these are nice ones. Daddy doesn't like sweets. He never let me have any. Your Nana never let me have any either."

"Granddad always lets us have sweets."

"Granddad's cool like that." Greg lifted his toddler against his chest, pressing a kiss to his delicate little cheek. "You look like you need your nap time a little early, little man."

"Nana said we're making brownies this afternoon. Can we take some over to Daddy?"

"Yeah, you could do." Greg gave him a nod, letting Jackson down as he started to struggle in his arms. "You better make lots then. You know how big Daddy's appetite is." He handed the toddler another soft jelly sweet, watching him carefully inspecting it, before he sucked it into his mouth. "Last one," He turned to Colt, taking the packet off him as soon as he stuck another sweet into his mouth. "I think Nana was making lunch, so don't get too many toys out."

"Can you get the Lego box?" Colt sprang to his feet, running over to the toy shelves against the wall. He ditched his cowboy hat and the toy pistol from his belt, so he could sit down with his toys. His father slowly followed close behind, reaching for the blue toy bin on the top shelf that was full of all of his son's Lego. "Over here." He hurried over to one of the soft bean bag chairs, instructing his father to place it on the floor beside him.

"Anything else, your highness?" Greg playfully ruffled his hand through his son's hair. "I'll be in the kitchen with Nana. Keep an eye on your brother around the Lego." He warned him, making his way through to the kitchen to see if his mother needed help.

His sisters Aza and Zane were stood around the island counter, helping their mother to make the rest of the sandwiches. Aza filled the sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes, handing it to her sister beside her. Zane plated them, slicing them in half with the knife in her hands, before she set it in the middle of the island with the others.

"Greg, look." Aza pulled up the sleeve to her pink sweatshirt, showing him her grazed elbow. "I only fell over once at my first ice skating lesson. There's a girl in my class the same age as me and she can do an axel. It's a really awesome spinny jump from one foot to the other in the air."

"That's cool. Mom never let me ice skate." He glared in the woman's direction, giving his sisters a hand with the sandwiches.

"You weren't the best at balancing on your feet, let alone on ice skates." His mother defended herself, washing her hands as soon as she was done. "Aza, go and find your father and brother, please. It's ready."

"Mom won't let me get my ear pieced again." Fourteen year old, Zane sympathised with her brother. "I just want a little stud here." She held the top of her ear to show him. "But she won't let me. It's not like I'm asking to get my tongue pierced or my belly button pierced. I just want a little stud in my ear."

"I already let you get them both pierced the once. You don't need holes in your body to express yourself. Just like I used to tell your brother when he came home with different coloured hair all the time, find another way to express yourself." Their mother argued, ushering them out of the way, so she could pour out some juice for them. "I was just as hard on Greg when he wanted a tattoo of some dragon or something on his back."

"An eagle." Greg corrected her. "And how do you know I didn't get one?" He playfully stuck his tongue out at her, before he returned to the front room. He lifted his toddler out of his toys, taking his boys through to the kitchen for their lunch.

He was glad that no one asked where Nick was, but it was a little heart breaking at the same time. He didn't want to imagine his life without Nick again, but he was already getting a glimpse of what it would be like without him around and he only had himself to blame.

"Daddy lives here? It's really big. It's taller than the sky." Holding the box of freshly baked brownies, Colt looked up at the tall apartment building in front of them, while his father got his younger brother out of the car behind him. "Is this near where we used to live, Papa?"

"When you were a baby? No." Greg set Jackson in the stroller, buckling him in, before he locked up the car. "We lived on the other side of town, closer to the lab where I work." He ushered his son towards the front door, spotting the buzzer beside the name 'Stokes'. It made him feel as though he didn't even belong to him anymore. He was complete separate being from the life that they had created.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, it's us." He had already called ahead to check he was in and up for visitors first, so he knew that Nick would be around.

"C'mon up, doors open." Nick buzzed them in.

"Grab the door, Colt." Greg instructed him, wheeling the stroller backwards through the open doorway. "Daddy's building is a lot nicer than the one we used to stay in." He immediately noticed how clean it was inside. There wasn't paint peeling on the walls, the elevator didn't have an out of order sign on it and the floors looked as though they had actually been washed quite regularly. They were spotless and shiny. "Lift." He pointed his son over to it.

"Does it work?" Colt gave his father a smile, pushing the button, before he stepped inside. "Which floor is it, Papa? There's so many numbers."

"That's a very good question. Do you think it's the presidential suite?" Greg wheeled the stroller into the elevator, biting his lower lip as he looked at the numbers. His husband had been staying with his sister in town for the past few months. He had only just moved into this apartment building now, so he hadn't actually stopped by to visit him yet. "I... don't know. Push some buttons, see where we end up." He joked, pulling out his phone to find the address that Nick had texted to him. "Eh... three."

"This one?" Colt stretched his hand up across the panel, pushing in the number three. "Can we stay with Daddy tonight? I don't need pyjamas to sleep."

"I don't think he has any beds for you two. And Daddy's got work later, so you'll be on your own. Maybe we can arrange it a different time."

Colt pouted his lip out at him, giving him an annoyed look. "But Papa..."

"Don't start, Colt." As the doors opened to the third floor, Greg ushered his son out, while he struggled with the stroller across the coarse carpet. The lobby was a nice squeaky clean floor, but the hallways leading to the different apartments were lined with some sort of industrial carpet in a horrible dark orange colour. "That's the one." He pointed towards the apartment with the open door.

"Daddy?" Colt pushed the door open a little wider, smiling as he caught sight of his father stood in his kitchen. "Daddy!" He ran towards him, throwing his arms around his waist.

"Hey, buddy." Sliding his hands beneath his child's arms, Nick lifted him onto his hip, pressing a kiss to his son's forehead. "Mmm, what are these? They smell good." He took the box off his hands, seeing gooey chocolate brownies inside.

"We made them for you. Jacks didn't though. He was sleeping the whole time. Papa thinks he's growing, because he never stops sleeping."

"Thank you. We'll have some of those later." He set the box on the side, lowering his son to the floor, so he had his hands free to lift his baby boy from the stroller. He pressed multiple kisses to Jackson's soft little cheek, not even taking any notice of Greg stood in the doorway. "Ooh, sleepy little boy." Nick smiled as his toddler widely yawned against his shoulder. "Have you had a busy day?"

"We went to the park with Granddad." Colt announced, touring his father's apartment for the first time. He ran his curious fingertips across the marble counters in the kitchen, before he hurried over to the sofa that was only a couple of feet from the fridge. "Your house is really small, Daddy." He noticed a double bed beyond the television set, wondering why his father would choose to live in this tiny apartment over their spacious home.

"They haven't eaten yet." Greg unloaded the diaper bag from the back of the stroller. "My Mom's gonna make us dinner, so don't give them too many. I packed some extra diapers and things. Call me when you want me to pick them up."

Nick responded with a slight nod, turning his back to Greg as he carried his baby boy further into the apartment.

"Okay, I'll see you later." Greg pushed the stroller all the way into the apartment, giving Colt a wave, before he stepped outside. It felt weird leaving his children behind, but he was going to have to get used to it if this was going to be their lives from now on.

He wanted to ask him how everything was, and if he was doing okay, but it was as though they were complete strangers to each other now. He hated these awkward and uncomfortable feelings around his own husband. He hated it more than he could stand. The feelings made his stomach feel as though it was in knots, bringing tears to his eyes as he took the elevator down alone.

Thank you for your reviews, sorry about the big surprise. I was going to start this story a little differently, but I wanted a more dramatic beginning. Thanks for reading, let me know what you think. More on the way soon.

~ Holly