sorry this is short. i just got back from the lake and i also want things to go by fast because that's how things feel to dean but dont worry i'll have something else up by the end of the week , maybe two things if you're lucky

Mom didn't make it through surgery. She didn't even make it long enough for them to do the blood transfusion. She lost so much blood. It made me wonder how much of it was on my hands and clothes. I didn't go home until the doctor came out and told all three of us Winchester men that she had passed away.

She didn't pass away. She was murdered.

There's a difference.

And the one thing I can do about this is hunt down that bastard down myself.

Sam's words have stuck in my skull 'Castiel could find this man. He could kill him.' except that I don't want Cas to do it. I want to kill the bastard. I want to make his suffer more than I have. More than I ever will.

oOoOo

Dad came home drunk and Sam hasn't left his room.

I've been sitting on the roof thinking about how far of a fall it would be and how much it would hurt. Instead I climb down and grab my car keys. The road doesn't seem to end. One black top after another and I keep seeing the same thing. Mom, lying on the ground 'my boys'.

My boys.

She didn't even know me. I had been keeping so many secrets lately. I'm a horrible son.

oOoOo

The gravel made my car spin around and I came to a stop facing the direction I was coming from.

I hadn't been paying attention.

I hadn't done my job.

Mom's gone.

It's my fault.

He'd been looking for me.

I killed her.

oOoOo

The gas station was empty besides a boy a little younger than me. He didn't look at me as he took the money I gave him so I could fill up.

Then I drove away again.

To the church.

And I wasn't looking for God.

oOoOo

It was dark when baby's tires came to a stop in front to the burnt down symbol of God.

I saw his shadow, standing in the entry way. Just staring. "Dean-" I threw the bottle of Jack at the wall beside him and he didn't so much as flinch. '"I'm sorry to hear about your mother."

He came down from the steps and I stepped back away from him, my back hitting the car door. "The man who did it. He was asking about me. Why?" Cas's arms came up around me and I hadn't realized that my shoulders were shaking. "I thought you were leaving."

"I said I was leaving at the end of the week, but I can leave now if you'd like."

He knows I dint want him to leave at all. "No it's fine. I just want to know about him. About the man from the hospital."

"Well I don't have any psychopath friends that I know of."

"Not the right time for jokes."

"Sorry." I couldn't focus on anything. Everything was happening so fast. The world around me kept spinning and spinning I felt like I was going to fly off. And the worst part was, I felt like no one would care too much. "Dean, talk to me."

"I don't really feel like talking."

"Then tell me about the man, tell me what he looked like." Cas ran his hands through my hair and I managed to calm my heart down a bit. Every second that I didn't hurt was like finding water after being in a desert.

I had no idea what he actually looked like, only the description that Sam had given. "Short blonde hair, kind of pale, jeans, shirt, and a button up shirt. He looked ordinary." I look down at Cas, who had stepped back. He scratched at his chin and tilted his head to the side. I could tell he was thinking. Cas looks ordinary, but I guess looks can be deceiving.

"That's not a lot to go on. Did he have any tattoos or scars?"

"If he did wouldn't I have said something?" I don't know if I meant to sound so sarcastic. "Sam said he had some weird skin problem on his face and hands. He looked kind of sick actually." Something flickered in Cas's eyes, even with barely no light I could see that that had caused some connection to go off in his brain. "Do you know who I'm talking about?"

"No." he was quick to answer, but I didn't push. He would tell me if I was in danger. I'm sure he would tell me.