oh god a plan is forming and it's not a happy one and i love it

I remember my phone buzzing earlier and I grab it out of the pants I was wearing. It's a text from Jo. I'll talk to her later; I'm too tired to deal with her right now. When I wake up in the morning Sam is already back in his room, I can hear him moving around, getting ready for school. He's braver than I would have been. I've never really liked a whole lot of people staring at me.

When Sam and dad leave before I do, and when I get outside I see the cop car parked in front of our shed. It's obvious, but hopefully that's enough to distract the psychopath. I wave to the cop and he just stares at his phone, he's doing a real good job. But I don't blame him, who knows how long he's been out there.

Bobby practically jumps on me when I get to his house. "Come here." I've only ever heard his voice that broken up once and that was right after his wife died. "Son I'm so sorry." He wraps me up in the tightest hug of my life and I can smell the whiskey on him.

"Your parents out of town Bobby?" I point to the liquor bottle on his desk and he glares at me.

But his face softens and he looks like he's about to hug me again, "You ever need anything-"

"I know Bobby." I put my hand on his shoulder and he turns around, like he's ashamed of me seeing him like this. "This bastard won't get away with what he's done." I see mom lying next to me, blood staining my hands as I held her. Then as she was wheeled away the doctors had said that they would save her.

But they didn't.

"Go home son." He starts to walk back towards his front door but I don't follow him.

I wait for him to turn around, "I came here to work Bobby."

"And I'm telling you to go home."

"I can't go home!" he doesn't jump. "Because she's not there. I can't be alone there. Not yet."

"There's an irregular ping sound on your engine as you slowed down into second gear. I noticed it when you pulled up. Go fix it and come back inside when you're done." I smile at him and he holds up his hand, "Don't thank me yet, I'm going to have you clean my house today."

I knew what he was doing. Cleaning is busy work, work like that distracts your mind.

The impala is still a little warm from the drive over here so as she cools down completely I pull out my phone and send a text to Jo and Charlie

Do you want to meet up later tonight? I don't think I'll be falling asleep too early.

Charlie messages back right away.

I'm game, I'll even bring my new Link game. Later bitches.

Jo doesn't respond so I set down my phone and open the hood. It takes me a while to figure out what he was talking about, but when I do it doesn't take me long to actually fix. I work up a sweat though and my first thought was about the pies that mom made, and how she always seemed to make them on the days that I was really tired from work. And it hits me again.

Like a truck.

She's gone.

She's Fucking gone.

My whole life is coming to an end and it's all my goddamned fault.

When I said that I was a horrible son a few days ago I had never imagined this.

Who would think about their mother being killed?

It's all my fault

All my fault. My fault. My fault. The ground beneath me sags and I feel myself lurch to the side. When my head hits the bumper of the impala I don't even notice it. I don't notice that I'm lying on the ground covered in sweat and shaking like crazy. All my fault.

My fault.

My fault.

"Dean!" Bobby's voice cuts through the murky air around me but when I look at him my eyes don't focus and I can't stop shaking.

"I can't breathe."

"It's all right Dean, Dean snap out of it." I feel something around my lips and y breathing starts to slow down and I feel the paper bag around my moth and Bobby's hand on the back of my head. "Don't you ever do that again. Do you hear me boy?"

I nod and sit up. There's a throbbing in the back of my head and I reach my hand up to feel a knot forming. "I'm fine."

"Like hell you are."

"It was just a panic attack Bobby. I've had them before." I can manage.

He stands up and offers me his hand and the throbbing intensifies, "Go inside. I'll finish up here."

"But-"

"I said go." There's no arguing with him.

I go inside and clean up, I catch a glimpse of my reflection and I see the wild panicked look in my eyes and there's no wonder Bobby didn't believe me when I said I was fine. I look like a scared animal.

I feel like a scared animal. When bobby comes back inside he sits down next to me at the kitchen table and doesn't say anything. For a while it's alright, but after a few minutes I start to get worried he's too afraid to say anything to me. "Are you hungry?"

I look at the clock and it's barely nine thirty but my stomach rumbles and he just gets up and starts cooking bacon. "When I first met your mom it was after she had married John. They moved into these really shady apartments downtown and I lived in the one next to them. She was the one that introduced me to my wife…Marry had a way about her that made everyone like her. Even the people that hated most everyone. And after Jonnie died your mom came over with you and Sam, you couldn't have been more than seven, but she came over and I was a mess. But she just dropped you off in my lap and said that she'd be back later to pick you up.

"She knew that if I had someone to take care of, besides myself that I would do something instead of sitting around and wasting away. Your mother was one of the smartest people I knew. She was also the kindest." Bobby picks up a piece of bacon and eats it. "I owe everything I am to her."

"She was perfect."

"The last time I saw her was the other day. Maybe two days ago. She came over while you were in the back and we sat and talked for about an hour. She convinced me to marry Ellen."

I look up from the book that was just sitting in front of me. "What?"

"I'm going to ask her. Tomorrow, when I pick her up for dinner."

"Bobby… that's great."

"I thought that maybe she should know how serious I am about her. And your mother made me promise I wouldn't just say 'hey let's go to the courthouse and get hitched.'"

I look at my phone to see if Jo has texted back yet, to gossip, but she still hasn't. "That's really awesome Bobby." I think mom would want me to be happy for him, and so I am. But fate had other plans.