"Dean." That was Castiel's voice and I didn't need to hear how stupid that idea was, I know how stupid it is.

"Are you insane?" I practically shout it at the man holding a very sharp knife next to my brothers throat. "Why would I do that?"

"Because with barely any thought I could send this little boy with a girls hair cut, up to the pearly gates. And you would be alone Dean."

"It doesn't have to be like this."

"Your right, I could kill you brother and you could try and kill me and Castiel would die anyways and you would die or you could somehow make it out alive and yet you'd still be alone in this world. And tell me Dean, do you want to be alone?" my hands started to shake and I could feel how tense Cas was next to me. "I'll even give you a knife."

"No, no I can't-"

"Dean its ok." I turned to Cas, he has the most beautiful eyes. "If it saves your brother."

"No."

But he continues as if I hadn't has said anything, "God knows I haven't lived the best life."

"No I say again but he closes his eyes.

"I'm trying to be a better person Dean and I know that it's not working." He opens his eyes back up again and I don't look away. "I have this itch that I can't get rid of. Dean sometimes when I'm just lying in bed with you I want to carve your lungs out."

"But you don't." Cas reaches into his pocket and pulls out the curved knife he used to carve his name into my arm, "No." I won't take it from him but he wraps my fingers around the hilt and I hate how it's warm from his own fingers. "You can't make me do this." He looks over my shoulder to his brother.

"You promise that you'll leave these boys alone?" I stare at Cas's jaw, and he broad shoulders and the dark hair matted with dirt and blood.

"I swear on our fathers' grave."

"You can't make me." Cas's lips are pale but I remember how soft they are. I remember the heat of the fire we made back in that cabin. I remember the heat of his hands on my hips as he kissed me. "I love you."

"I love you Dean Winchester." He pulled me in for a kiss and I felt his soft lips against mine and I closed my eyes. Then his body began to drop and I opened my eyes and stared in horror. The knife was no longer in my hands but it was buried in Cas's chest. His unmarked chest. I looked down at my hands and I almost threw up at the sight of all that blood.

"Cas?" I bent down and raked the hair out of his eyes, "Hey, hey come on. No damn it. Keep your eyes open."

He started to close his eyes but he managed to open them a little bit, "I love you Dean."

"Damn it Cas."

There was a hand on my shoulder and I grabbed the knife out of Cas's chest, and I ignored all the blood on my hands and I twisted the metal into Lucifer's neck. And I smiled as he dropped to the ground and the light left his eyes.

I heard Sam call my name and I got up. My feet slipped on the blood around me and I knew that I would never be able to get these images out of my head. I would never be able to get the feeling of driving the knife into Cas's beating heart.

I cut Sam free then dropped the knife. "Are you ok?" he asked me and I think I nodded.

"Are you hurt?" I touch the spot on his neck where he was cut but I only make it worse by smearing my blood onto him. I'm covered in it. "Can you-" I forget what I'm about to say and I stare at the wall blankly.

"Dean." Sam snaps his fingers in front of me and I blink.

"Can you go outside, call the cops. Tell them where we are. Tell them what happened." He starts to walk away but I call him back, "Tell them that Cas was involved. It would be worse for us if they knew I was in a relationship with him. It'll be easier this way."

"Are you sure you're ok?" I nod and he walks away. I hear him open the warehouse doors but I can't hear anything else.

I crawl to where Cas is laying. His eyes are closed and he looks like he's sleeping, like he does when we would stay up late together at the cabin. We would stay up so late and he'd fall asleep first and look just so peaceful.

I touch the scar on my arm and I bend down to kiss him one last time, on the forehead, like a sendoff to where ever he may be. My tears mix with the blood on my hands and I don't look up when the cops get here.

I don't even notice when we arrive at the hospital. I don't hear the yelling that goes on outside the door.

I don't notice the way the cops look at me.

I don't remember Charlie visiting me.

I don't look away from the wall.

Someone says something about PTSD and I tune them out.

Cas loved me and I stabbed him.

I turn my head to Sam when he comes in, "Hey Dean." He says it quietly, like I'm a frightened animal. "I brought you a burger. I know that you don't like hospital food." When I don't answer he shakes his head and sits down next to me. "You're going to have to say something sooner or later."

"I killed him. I killed them both."

Sam looks surprised I said something but he doesn't press. I'm grateful for that.

That night I wake up screaming again and two nurses have to come in and restrain me. I fell them pump me full of something and soon I'm back asleep.

Back in my nightmares.

I kill Sam in my dream.

I kill everyone in that warehouse.

I wake up short of breath and the heart monitor starts making too much noise and a nurse rushes in and I calm down before they knock me out again.

"Hey Dean." Charlie comes back to visit me one the second day after…

I see that she's wearing a cast on her arm and there's a cut on her head. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be."

I don't say anything after that.

After a while she leaves, but before she does I see her set down a picture of the three of us, me her and Jo. It was one of the nights that we all snuck out to go out to the field.

In the picture my arms are slung around both of their shoulders and Jo is holding back a laugh. Charlie is the one taking the picture. "I thought you might like this."

I discharge myself a few hours later. Sam seems surprised that I'm home.

I make us dinner and we sit on the living room floor and I see the family pictures are taken down. He sees me looking and he looks down at the empty plate in his hand. "I needed some time before I could see everyone again."

"It's alright." Close to midnight neither of us is tired yet, and we're both still sitting in the living room. "Bobby was going to ask Ellen to marry him."

"The cops told me they found the ring on the kitchen counter."

"Dean?" I look over at my brother, the bruises around his wrists are nearly gone and the cut on his neck isn't that noticeable.

I look down at my hands and it's as if the blood was still there, "Yeah?"

"Do you think that they're in heaven? Together I mean."

I close my eyes and I see Cas laughing and his smile makes me feel a little bit better. He was my heaven on earth. "Mom use to say that angels were watching over us. I know that they're our angels now."

"Good."