Neckties and the Art of Getting Kicked out of Galleries
By Theta Waves
Author's Note: Feels like just yesterday I was getting cracking on chapter 1, and now here we are at the penultimate piece. It took a little longer than I had originally hoped, with exams and all, but it's here now. I want to thank my beta Fatal Blow, whose work it is worth your time to peruse. Send me a message or a review should you have concerns or questions. And enjoy!
Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR, and you're sitting in your apartment wondering how Karkat is going to take the news. Hopefully he'll be in a good mood after his date with Jade; an event which your whole group is waiting eagerly to hear the results of. He's kind of an oblivious idiot.
You get up from your computer desk to fix another pot of coffee, and thank god Karkat hasn't been here much today, because he makes the worst coffee to have ever passed over your tongue. He also eats all of the Little Debbie snack cakes, so you've actually had a few of those today. You guess you shouldn't be trashing Karkat too much; he's your best friend, though you wound eat a brick before admitting it. You especially shouldn't be giving him a hard time considering what you've got to tell him.
Speak of the Devil, you can hear thumping and stumbling from the hallway, and it does not bode well: Karkat loses his coordination when he's in emotional turmoil. Good thing you just put a fresh pot on. After listening to him struggle with the lock for a few minutes you decide to make things a little bit easier for him and open the door. He is still frozen in the action of turning a key as he looks at you like a deer in the headlights.
You can tell by the look in his eyes…
"You fucked up."
"I fucked up so bad, Sollux…" He groans as he tumbles into the apartment and slumps against the kitchen counter.
"You don't drink." You say levelly as he looks at you, perplexed.
"Yeah, jack-wagon, I don't. Not in great quantity or frequency anyhow. Why?" He replies, beginning to get defensive.
"Because you smell like cheap beer, self-loathing, and forehead sweat."
"Oh my god, Sollux, disgusting, and also I had two, just two, drinks on the way home."
Whenever Karkat drinks, even a little, he gets emotional. Not irrational, drunk dialing, second-hand embarrassment worthy emotional, he just gets kind of soul searchy and overly-brotherly.
"Whatever," you continue, pouring him a mug of actually decent coffee, "It's not like you can even hold your liquor anyways, you lightweight."
"Go to Hell, I can drink you under the table!"
"No you can't" You say, trying to keep cool about Karkat's antics
"Oh I know…" He sighs as he buries his head in his hands"
Deep breaths sollux. After you finally get him standing, holding his mug and significantly calmed down, you seat yourself across the kitchen counter.
"So what happened? Did you try to cop a feel? No, let me guess, she caught you sniffing her hair, didn't she?" In your mind you know you shouldn't be egging him on, but the opportunity presents itself so perfectly…
"I should strangle you."
"Did she dislocate your shoulder after you tried to put your arm around her?" You asked while leaning in with a smirk.
"I am holding a scalding hot mug of coffee that would just love to be splashed in your face right now."
"Try me," you say as you top his mug off as if in a stupid way of asserting your dominance.
"Ok." He sighs as he breaths the smell of the coffee in deeply. "It all started after the petty theft…"
"Jade?"
"Yes, Karkat?"
"That guy over there is staring at us."
Surprisingly, you were both able to get to the gallery without further tomfoolery, as if it were fate's way of giving you a breather before whatever blitzkrieg of misfortune was bound to assault you next. The gallery itself was a rather nice place, you decide. Oyster colored tiling, dark marble walls that fan inward from the windowless walls to lead you through the exhibit. The art itself is aligned along said skewed partitions.
At the moment, you and Jade are studying a particularly unpleasant painting of a vineyard that grows faces instead of grapes. You are unsettled by this, but hey, who are you to judge fine art?
"Which guy?" Jade asks, looking around with concern.
"That one, in the tunic." You align with her, nearly touching cheeks mind you, and point out the spy.
"…Karkat that's a statue." She informs you, as if reassuring a child.
"Oh… Well, it's not my fault it's so creepily realistic. It's like in "The Trollar Express", the animation was so creepy and…real. Doesn't stop me from loving Troll Tom Hanks. Did you see him in "Sleepless in Trolleatle?"
She glances at you sidelong and grins, "I've been wrong before though, maybe it isn't a statue. In fact, I think he's giving you serious bedroom-eyes right now." She threw a wink your way for good measure.
"Oh my good Gog, shut up. Shut up, and never say anything like that again."
"One might even say he's…" Oh, she had better not.
"Don't you dare…" You brace for impact.
"…Rock hard for you." She's grinning and biting her lips so eager to see your reaction.
"I could not possibly hate you, nor anything, more than I do right now."
"What do you think of this one?" You ask, referring to a lovely painting of a mountain. It rises, devoid of vegetation, into a blue plane of view, and starts off with normal proportions before tapering off into a crooked peak.
"It's a steaming pile of shit." She answers without missing a beat.
"That was surprisingly vulgar and brutally honest of you. Come on, it can't be that bad."
"No Karkat, I mean you are literally showing me a painting of a steaming pile of shit!"
You turn your head at her and recoil a bit, "What the hell are you blathering about, it's a mountain!"
"No, Karkat, it is a pile of stinky stinky doo-doo." She is now laughing at you. The nerve…
"Can't you see there's the—oh… Oh! Oh…"
"Yeah see there's the handle of the shovel and there's-"
"I got it, I got it…" You puff out a lungful of air and pout dejectedly at what was once a mountain in your mind. When times were simpler…
You are now one painting wiser. She puts her arm on your shoulder and kisses you on the cheek. Her lips are warm, soft, and you can feel their imprint long after the lips themselves are gone.
"Come on, let's go see if they have cocktail weenies, you weenie."
"How about this one, fuckass?" Jade stops you abruptly to study a sad clown painting. Something about him tugs at a strange bit of sympathy from the corner of your heart.
"Douchie." You answer bitterly; ever since the manure painting, you have been much more cynical and cautious of art.
"What a shame, I was considering stealing it so that I could hang it above my mantle." She's teasing you now; who would want this above their mantle?
"Jade, you are a shithive lunatic. How would you even sneak this out of here, it's bigger than you!"
"Karkat, check it out. No matter where you are, it never looks directly at you…" You watch her lean way over on both sides to illustrate her point.
You cast a glance over your shoulder to catch the peeved glares of the other art goers. Both of you felt scorned by them and under-dressed when you arrived; the other patrons were dressed to the nines in starched collars and boorish dresses. You both ceased caring when you realized what a bunch of stuck up pisspouches they all were.
Before you even realize it, Jade is at another part of the exhibit, looking at a statue. Oh no, she is not just looking…
"Oh my Gog, Jade, what the screaming Hell are you doing?" You whisper harshly as you catch up to your date, who is now involved in the questionable action of cupping the statue's butt. She throws a smirk reeking of mischief at you before answering.
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"It looks like you're getting us kicked out of here because you're harassing the art, Jesus dicks!" You answer, trying to wrestle her hands away from the poor statue.
"What, no, Karkat stop it," she fights to keep her hand put and grows more excited with the commotion, "It's so smooth, I can't help it!"
Your hands fumble and fall to your sides when she says this, and your already red face breaks into laughing shambles while you crack up.
"Karkat, seriously, this booty is so firm you've got to try it." She has mastered the ability to remain completely poised and earnest in connoisseurism of statue butts.
"Oh me Gog, people will see…" She grabs your wrist and tries to guide it toward the twin of the buttock she is touching.
"Who cares? They'll just have to turn the other cheek, so to speak." She elbows your rib as she makes this shameless pun. "Can't you hear the booty calling to you?"
"Turn the other—Sweet Christ on the hood of a four-door coupe, Jade this is insanity." You can't help that your defenses are weakening every time you see her like this.
"Just one feel and I'll drop the subject literally and figuratively." She looks at you mischievously. You bite your lip and look around for witnesses.
Wow, that marble really is smooth. You vocalize this. Jade is already giggling.
"Told you! So how was your first butt-touch, Karkat?"
"That was not my—Shut up!"
But Jade had already dragging you away to find the next unsuspecting, inanimate victim. This girl was going to kill you. You were standing in front of a Greek style dancing lady, and Jade was bumping her eyebrows up and down at you. You dragged your hand down your face to cover the smirking. How can she do this to you? Then again, you know as well as she that you are powerless against her charms.
"Jade, people are beginning to talk."
"Let them talk," she seems to be talking more toward the statue now, even laying a dainty kiss on her cheek. "It won't get in the way of Denise and mine's love." She swoons and pinches the statues nipples and you look away crimson-cheeked. You're both really starting to attract some attention now…
"Denise?! What the seedflapping mulch muncher are you talking about?!" You can't get her to let go. "Are you saying you named it?"
"Don't judge our love because you can't understand it." She declares with a breathy voice as she brushes Denise's cheek with the back of her hand, looking longingly into the lifeless eyes.
"Jade. Jade! We are quite literally going to be thrown out of here if you do not stop."
"You're just jealous!" She mocks back at you in a singsong voice.
"I am not! And this is going to end up just like that episode of 'Hopeless Romantic Architect Twenty-Something in Manhattan Tells his Future Children of his Search for Their Mother!'"
A sly grin grows on her face and she leans over to you, lips almost to your ear. You swallow hard as red returns to your cheeks and you stand petrified before she finally whispers…
"Chicken."
"What?!"
"You are a chicken" She purrs again.
You begin to refute when she places the backs of her hands on her hips and flaps her elbows, squawking all the while.
"Bawk bawk!"
"I am not dignifying this with a response." Jegus Hell, you think, much to your chagrin, it is unfair that she can be cute while impersonating an egg-beast.
"Jade, for the love of—"
"I can't hear you! Baw-gawk! There are too many chickens around, baaaawk!"
She is presently chicken-stepping around you, and gathering many looks of amazement, disgust, and silent appreciation for the lost art form from passerby. Also many people are telling you, in kinder words, to quiet the fuck down. This is getting out of hand.
"Jade, this is getting out of hand." Your hands ball up at your sides and you fold your arms, trying to dodge her eyes at all times. It is indignant Karkat's time to shine.
"You mean out of talon?" She snorts at her own joke and you cringe.
"Grrr… you have awoken the bear, Jade Harley."
She is paying you no mind. Your date is also now behind you pecking at the air, still garnering attention, and throwing one leg back, akin to our feathery brethren. You step forward, nod at the crowd with all of the dignity of a man walking to the gallows, and press both hands up against the motherly bosom of the statue.
"Ha! How about that for chicken, Jade! Jade?" But when you turn around, she is standing with her head in her hand, mortified at your idiocy and you would later find out, your inability to hear her telling you to cut it out. Behind her about two arms' length are two intimidatingly tall men in starched suits who you presume to be security. A throng of people surround the scene. You are still fondling the statue. Caught with hands red and also full of boob.
You snap back into the moment and wipe your hands on your shirt to face the guards and Jade.
"Karkat, I can't believe you-" she begins heatedly before you cut her off.
"I've got this, Jade." You wave her off coolly.
"What?!" She hisses at you while the guards wait stone-faced.
"Jade, I've totally got this, don't worry." You approach the guards. You've totally got this.
"Evening, gentlemen."
"In hindsight, it may have been a bit out of line to call them raging fuckasses, and I definitely could've left the bit about their upbringing out of things," lamented one Karkat Vantas as he walked one Jade Harley back to her apartment. Night had fallen, and despite having been forever banned from the art gallery, the pair was strangely pleased. So pleased, in fact, that they had silently agreed that holding hands was in order.
"I still can't believe it too three of them to restrain you. It was an impressive feat to say the least. Angry Karkat is like fighting a spider monkey," she laughed as she walked barefoot; you were holding her shoes in your other hand.
"Yeah, but I think they bruised me ass bone when they threw me onto the sidewalk. Thank you for coming to my rescue, by the way. I thought that one really tall guy was out for the count when you hit him with your shoe." You brandish the now broken shoe. It died valiantly in battle as a warrior-poet, and deserved such in death.
"What, and let them manhandle my date? That is a privilege reserved to me," she said back, "One I will try not to abuse. That is, if you behave."
"Great, I'm glad that's at your discretion. I hope you know I didn't want that to escalate to violence, but he started it," you pouted. And he totally did start it, but you didn't want Jade to think you reveled in senseless violence. She might realize, and rightly, that she was too good for you.
"Normally I'd tell you what a short-tempered idiot you are for taking a swing at that six foot four dude, but it was fun, and we got off pretty light. I didn't get manhandled, we kept the flower, and they didn't call the police," she said as she beamed at you.
"We were banned for life. They took our pictures and put them at the front desk so that we can't sneak back in."
"Hell with them then! The art sucked, and those people were all stuck up, pretentious gonads! I don't quite know how Rose stands them."
"And how," you agree, nodding your head her way. The next bit is a considerable risk, you even shut your eyes pre-emptively, "I'm really glad I came with you today."
In the moment before she responds you grow increasingly more aware of the arc that your joined hands make swinging back and forth between you. You're increasingly more aware of the almost non-existent sound of her feet on the cement, and the sheen of the streetlight in her hair. So caught up with these things were you, that you missed her response completely.
"Hey, nubby-horns, did you hear me?" she asked.
"Sorry, spaced out. What?" She rolled her eyes before repeating herself.
"I said that I'm glad you came with me too, and it was the most fun I've had in a while."
As much as you should have been satisfied, as impossibly happy as that moment made you, as content as someone as loathingly pitiful as you should have been just to be near her, you just want to kiss her more than anything. It almost…hurt. There was a strange and bitter pain in wanting something so close.
"Well," she says, interrupting your reverie, "this appears to be my stop.
She has her back to the steps of a rather pleasant looking three story apartment building. She holds both your hands in hers for a moment that goes by too quickly before stepping backwards onto the first step on the stoop. She's got one hand on your new favorite flower, which you're amazed she was able to keep a grip on.
You take a step forward, opening your mouth to speak, but no words come out, and you just stand mid-stride with a question on your face. In frustration with your own ineptitude you tip your head back and pinch the bridge of your nose. With your eyes now closed you're aware of the way the heavy night air holds your skin. When you open your eyes you are taken completely by surprise.
There are green leaves of plants and fruits on the edge of her roof. Lots and lots of hanging and growing flora over her rooftop. She must see that you've noticed because she giggles at you.
"You like it? It's my garden." When you finally tear your eyes away to look back at her there is something tender there, and she asks you a simple question.
"Would you like to come up and see it?"
Would you like to come up and see it? The question rings a thousand times in your head she's looking at you. Nothing in her face is changed; she's just looking you right in the eyes. You almost can't think looking at eyes like hers.
The smile on her face is gone and replaced with something unidentifiable and she lifts a hand toward you. You gulp, and place your foot on the step. You start raising your hand toward hers and everything slows. You can see her face change; she doesn't look sure anymore. There is apprehension there, a flush grows in her cheeks and her eyes widen. You swear she starts leaning in. She is, she is, she's leaning!
Your hand is close to hers…
And your brain locks down. And your hands close around hers and shake them vigorously.
"Well, this has certainly been—has certainly been delightful! We really should do it again sometime; it was fucking peachy!" She looks like she's just come out of a bad acid trip. Karkat, what the fuck are you doing?! Your entire thinkpan is fried and fused to itself: You have jumped the metaphorical cliff. You're screaming in your mind: Jade no oh Gog what the Hell am I doing please stop me someone stop me!
You don't even give her time to respond; throwing a short salute her way, turning sharply on your heel, and walking briskly away down a very familiar street called self-destruction.
Ruining any chance you might have even entertained the fantasy of having with Jade and then spilling your guts about it to your asshole roommate is not how you planned on spending your evening.
"Wow. You completely screwed the pooch, KK. Or rather, you screwed yourself out of ever having the chance to screw the pooch; the pooch being, if you follow me, a certain—"
"Alright, I get it." You sat slumped against the kitchen counter, head between your knees, too regret-ridden to be angry with him.
"Well? What's your next move?" From Fort Self-Loathing you can hear Sollux ask you.
"Retreat to my room forever, cry in a manly fashion and hope repress all memories of today." You can hear his eyes roll.
"I mean about Jade, you neurotic asinine tool." Sollux corrects himself, adding particular acid coldness on his insults.
"What the living breathing Hell do you mean 'about Jade?!' I'm done; I bunged it up and convinced Jade that I am an inept ass-wad. That's it, game over, man, end of story."
"Are you…" He starts with a rising voice, "I should hit you…"
"What?" You lift your head from your knees to look at him, shock plain in your eyes.
"Jade deals with your sorry ass nearly daily, makes it a point to be good to you, forgives you for every past fuck-up, and you still want to let her go?!"
"Don't get—I didn't…"
"No, fucking seriously, Jade, if you haven't noticed, lights up like the light on a waffle iron whenever your around, she asks you out on this date, and you give up?! Who the Hell do you think you are?!"
He strikes a point. And then a few dozen more.
"No, she doesn't, Sollux, it…" you trail off, beginning to think he may be right. Good thing you have friends who aren't afraid to tell you when you're being a dick.
"KK, what is it you're so afraid of that you're subconsciously trying to sabotage yourself?" He asks you with his voice softening. You place your head back in your hands.
"I don't deserve her, Sollux…" You think you've always known it. You can hear Sollux shift around while the silence hangs. And then you hear the last thing you expected.
"You're right." It's said calmly and convincedly, but it lacked any malice. It was just a fact, and spoken that way.
Huh?
"You don't."
You snap back up to look at him. He's just staring back at you, expressionless. What is with him tonight? He's never this supportive or emotionally attuned…
"You do not deserve Jade Harley. You know it, I know it, and I'm pretty damn sure she knows it too, and she chooses to stick around with you anyway. So how dare you let her go that easy?" He looks at you, nearly squinting behind his glasses in focus as if studying you, wondering how this sad sack could ever be called a knight.
"Sollux…" You stand as you shake your head, "I hate you sometimes, but I especially hate you when you're right."
"Yeah, well…" he stands cross-armed in front of you looking sassy and flippant as usual, "I can't just let you be a raging idiot all the time. Especially considering…"
"…Considering what?" you ask as he trails off. He sighs and rubs the back of his neck.
"I'm moving out."
There are a thousand things you have to say.
"Oh," and after a moment of uncomfortable and eye-contact free silence, "Aradia, right?"
"Yeah, me and Aradia. Finally moving in together…"
"I'm happy. For you, that is. I'm glad to know there's someone out there who can stand to be around you 24/7." You huff half-jokingly while you stuff your hands in your pockets and scuff your shoe on the floor.
"Thanks, KK…" The corners of his lips twitch upward in an almost imperceptible smile as the weight of it comes off his shoulders. You shove past him off to your room.
"Don't let the door fuck you in the butt on the way out. Be out of here by Monday."
"No, wait, KK!" He starts after you, "Don't be like this, it isn't like that!"
"Oh fuck you!" you shout as you slam the door and flop onto your bed for a good therapeutic stare at the ceiling. You hear footsteps approach and see their shadows under the door before they pause and depart.
Of course Sollux was going to be leaving. Everyone does, or has, or will; you lost track. Why did you even stay with these people? Better question, why did any of these people even stay with you? It was supposed to be you and Sollux. You and Sollux against… against you don't know what; just that there was something to be against. And that made you figure out why you were really angry.
You felt left behind, at the end of all things. You felt left behind because Sollux had what you always wanted. He had love, and you wanted Jade. You wanted Jade like it's the only thing you've ever known you wanted.
Suddenly, you remember the vision you had of her when you were at John's. You want that. You wanted to wake up next to Jade, you wanted to hold her tight and to breathe in her hair and press your face into her shoulder. You wanted her to sit by you and hold your hand. You wanted to kiss her in her dorky face just because you fucking could. You need her because you love her.
And now you were mad because you fucked it all up and Sollux was going to leave too. That must be why he wanted you to try again… From day one he knew that you wanted, needed, even if you yourself didn't know it, a matesprit. No, fuck that, a lover. A lover, a girlfriend, a fiancé, or a wife or a soul-mate or whatever the fuck humans call them, you were looking for yours. And now that Sollux had found his, he saw in you how it felt to be without one.
That asshole. He treats you like his human brother or something.
With a sigh you creak the door open and walk down the hallway to see your soon-to-be ex-roomie with his back to you sitting poor-postured at his computer desk.
"Hey, you bifurcated bastard," he straightens up in his seat and lets his headphones rest on his scrawny shoulders to spin his chair around to meet your gaze, looking resentful as ever, "I didn't mean what I said before."
"I know." Oh, that bastard, he's going to drag this out isn't he…
"I'm…glad that things are going the way they are for you in your life. What you've got with Aradia is… beautiful in its level of vomit-worthiness." A sentence that starts off laden with awkward brotherly sentiment ends in a shell of insult. A thin shell.
"Wish I could say the same for you," he snorts back.
"Oh, eat me…And thanks for kicking my ass about it."
His expression grows pensive and he nods at you, and you nod back, effectively saying all of the things that would otherwise get lost in translation between the dysfunctional pair of you.
"I'll tell you what I won't miss," he calls after you as you retreat to you room. "At least Aradia knows how to make a half-decent cup of coffee!"
"If you think I'm helping you pack, you're batshit!"
"Yeah, have fun figuring out how to pirate your own shitty goddamn movies." He's almost laughing again at his last line. You're glad for that.
Let him win, Karkat, you think, setting down on your bed for a night sans sleep.
You've got a woman to woo.